There are certain rules to living at Stark Tower, rules that were drawn up by Tony one by one in the first few months that the Avengers were living in the Tower.
1. I don't care what our birth certificates say, my name is Tony (not Anthony), Bruce is Bruce (not Robert.)
This rule came into place when Steve moved in, not too long after the Battle of New York, and Bruce had already been there for a few days, they'd been settling in just fine and then Steve moved in, and he upset the balance.
Because Tony and Bruce had been very nicely avoiding their collective daddy issues, just completely ignoring them, really.
Then Steve barges in and starts calling them by their given first names because that's what he read on their files, thinking that he's being polite.
Steve insisted that the rule be made after Tony and Bruce both completely avoided him for a week and ignored him for over a month.
2. Thor is not allowed in the kitchen under any circumstances.
This rule came into place after the toaster blew up when Thor put too many pop tarts in it, and the kitchen almost burnt down since the Thor was obscuring all signs of the fire from JARVIS completely by accident. Thor claims that he didn't know how to use the toaster properly.
He wanted to keep using the kitchen on the condition that he learn how to use the toaster, but then, when Steve agreed to do so, even more things caught fire in the kitchen and Tony drew the line.
Thor very much misses eating breakfast in the kitchen with everyone else, but everyone likes their clothes and precious food supplies untouched and unsinged. Occasionally, someone will eat in the living room with Thor, taking pity on him. There is also a rota depicting who cooks for Thor each morning, between Bruce, Natasha and Clint, because Tony isn't allowed to make any food except coffee and Steve…well, that's another rule entirely.
3. Thor gets red solo cups and not my fancy mugs.
This rule came into place not because Thor kept throwing mugs around (though it did still happen when he got excited), because he got over that habit. No, this was because he had a habit of gripping things a little too tightly, and Tony was yet to find any kind of material suitable for mugs that could withstand Thor's strength. He was working on it though, so it wouldn't be too long until he had something, but for now, the cleaning bots could deal with crumpled card better than the Avengers could deal with foot injuries.
Seriously, the foot injuries were getting really bad. Shards of mug were everywhere, especially in the morning, when all Avengers frequented the communal floor and the cleaning bots had to avoid the floor for fear of Thor and Steve's clumsiness.
They ran out of plasters, and Clint loved the My Little Pony plasters that turned up in the Tower every so often. The situation was drastic, and Tony only admitted defeat in the area of designing a mug for Thor when it got drastic.
4. I am not responsible for any injury that may come to you if you:
A- Make a sexist comment to Natasha ("Get back in the kitchen," "Is it that time of the month," etc. etc.)
B- Take Clint's hearing aids.
This rule was self-explanatory. Tony himself was not stupid enough to try anything on the assassin twins, but their part-time lodger of the god of mischief wasn't so bright, now so fortunate.
Loki had underestimated the powers that Natasha and Clint seemed to have over the sheer forces of scariness. Tony had to say he felt a little sorry for the guy, who was having a harmless joke with the pair, stealing their things (Natasha's lipstick, Clint's hearing aids) and making rude comments about what else Natasha used her thighs for and what else Clint liked that was antique.
They were very good jokes, actually, Loki had a very good sense of wry humour. But he stopped using it so much when he woke up taped to the ceiling with duct tape and with multiple knives hanging at various dangerous places, near parts that Loki might want.
Tony could do nothing to prevent it in theory, as even though he could get JARVIS to stop anything like that happening in the Tower, it would endanger him, and he couldn't stop anything bad happening to anyone who did or said stupid things outside of the Tower.
So the rule went up and Tony prayed that no one broke it, because the cleaning bots hated clearing up blood.
5. STEVE IS NOT ALLOWED IN THE LAB, TECH ROOM, OR ANY ROOM WITH TECHNOLOGY FOR THAT MATTER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. TECHNOLOGY HATES HIM AND BREAKS IF HE IS IN A FOUR FOOT RADIUS I SWEAR BY IT.
Steve tried to deny it, but it was the truth. Maybe Tony rigged all electrical equipment to set off an alarm if it detected Steve's bio signature, but that was for the safety of his tech.
Tony loves his tech. And Steve was not going to keep breaking it with his large hands, his stupid smile and however the hell he broke everything. Seriously, he broke everything.
He was still allowed to go the movie night every week, but that was beside the point.
6. No nesting. (Clint)
It was blocking the vents, and Tony was getting tired of seeing blankets on top of the fridge, seriously.
He was completely asking for Natasha to start nesting, though. He specified the rule to Clint and Natasha started using all of Clint's nests.
It is probably the most lenient rule on the list. Everyone ignores it, it's mostly only a warning to everyone who comes into the Tower that they have a legitimate bird living there.
7. It's mandatory for everyone on the team to get at least 4 hours of sleep a day.
Tony was outraged at this rule. Admittedly, he was the only Avenger who did not sleep every night. Maybe he only slept once every three days or so, but that wasn't a problem. He balanced it with plenty of coffee and he was the only Avenger with an official full-time job.
Okay, maybe he did get tired, but as much as Bruce was a good friend…
8. IT'S MANDATORY FOR BRUCE TO STOP TOUCHING MY LIST AND ADDING RULES OR THE FIRST RULE WILL BE AMENDED.
Yeah, Tony was completely serious.
Okay, maybe not, but eh. He could threaten people.
9. It's especially mandatory for Tony to follow rule Seven. If he doesn't I have that picture you showed me of you in grad school. Yeah, I play dirty, Anthony.
That was it. Steve stopped anyone from adding anymore rules to the list.
He got too close to the tablet though. It was a good job JARVIS had saved a copy from the now-broken tablet.