"The Gambler"
Rachel promises herself all sorts of things when it comes to Quinn, but she never says them out loud.
She used to promise she wouldn't fall in love with Quinn. She had inwardly groaned upon first laying eyes on Quinn because she was so wonderfully stunning, but she was in a Cheerios uniform and Rachel knew that would mean trouble. She wasn't stupid- she knew Quinn would end up ruling the school like most cheerleaders did and her own aspirations would likely have her ending up at the bottom of the food chain. Being in a glee club didn't exactly promise you popularity, and Rachel knew it. She knew from the first time Quinn opened her mouth that she would be trouble. She knew it because Rachel wanted to continue hearing that voice speak even if it was only to insult her.
Her next promise was that she'd get over her growing attraction to Quinn. She would attempt to point out all the flaws in Quinn, going so far as to write them down. She was nasty to everyone that she viewed as beneath her, she valued her image over sincerity, she only dated people for popularity, she had been in on a plot to end Glee with Sue Sylvester. The list went on, but no matter how long Rachel stared at it, it did nothing for her levels of attraction. She scrutinized Quinn hard to find some sort of physical flaw, but she found none.
Then she promised herself she'd tell Quinn how she felt. When it became apparent that her feelings were far beyond the normal crush, Rachel was actually getting on shakily good terms with the girl. The two fought still, but sometimes they'd have these honest moments with one another where it appeared they both cared for each other at least minimally. Rachel promised herself that she'd come out and tell Quinn how she felt… the next time. Or the next time. She kept pushing it off.
Rachel promised that she'd buy Quinn a rose- no, a gardenia. But she blurted the idea out to Finn Hudson and he took that idea. She rashly promised that she would buy Quinn as many flowers from the flower shop as she could physically carry, but she never even stepped foot in the shop, too afraid that the clerk would ask her who the special someone was.
When Quinn was in the hospital, Rachel promised she'd be with Quinn every step of the way until she could actually take steps herself. She never showed up to a single physical therapy appointment. Quinn walked again at Prom and Rachel cried, knowing that the day should be celebrated, but she was given a plastic tiara instead of Quinn's hand to hold.
Rachel promised that she would keep in touch with Quinn, that she would use the metro pass that Quinn had given her. Over the summer she saw Quinn a few times and they would talk and laugh a little, Rachel relishing in the fact that she could make the girl smile. Throughout those summer months she never got around to telling Quinn that she'd fallen in love with her sometimes between the first time she'd seen her and the first time she'd heard her sing. Instead, she tried to memorize that smile underneath shining hazel eyes. A year later, and she hasn't seen those eyes under any other season but summer since high school.
When she graduated, she promised herself that she'd send an invitation to her graduation party to Quinn, but she never found the right words to put in the card. She couldn't just send a normal one- Quinn's would have to be special. But perhaps striving for perfection left her empty-handed, because the envelope lay empty on her desk.
Rachel promised herself that she would forget Quinn Fabray, that she would be a memory of her high school days. She was a professional now, or soon to be, and she was no longer in school. She didn't have the time to reminisce on a schoolgirl crush that had gone unsaid and unrequited for so many years. She tried hard and dated again, but she couldn't help comparing each one to a young blonde woman that she sometimes swore her heart was perfectly shaped for.
She promised herself that she would attend Quinn's wedding to a girl she'd never met without caring. She got to Arizona- Quinn had moved out there after graduating from Yale- a few days early since she was invited to the bachelorette party Santana was throwing. Rachel didn't even know that Quinn was gay, but apparently she didn't really know much of anything about the girl she loved so deeply that it still hurt some days.
When she embraced Santana, she promised herself that she would congratulate Quinn and her bride-to-be like normal upon seeing them, that she would pretend that Quinn wasn't the only former glee club member that Rachel hadn't so much as had a coffee with in the past five years. When she saw Quinn approaching the group gathered, she ducked out to go to the bathroom.
To actually keep any of her promises would be a gamble, and Rachel had never found herself as a gambler. It involved too much risk, and Rachel was usually okay with things being adequate instead of extraordinary if it meant playing it safe.
Rachel promised herself that she would sit through the bachelorette party without objecting to this wedding.
She finally kept one of her promises, and she cried that night, knowing that the next day Quinn would be married.
When it came to Quinn, Rachel could never keep her promises until she made the one that she originally had no intentions of keeping, the one that went against her heart's desire.
A few doors down in the hotel was the woman Rachel had tried desperately not to fall in love with, and Rachel was too much of a coward to even hold a conversation with her. She promised herself one last thing about Quinn Fabray- to sit through her wedding without any objections and go back to New York and return to her life as if it hadn't been the worst day of her life and her heart hadn't just been broken possibly beyond repair.
New York would still never sleep even if Quinn got married to a woman that wasn't Rachel Berry.
A/N: Inspired by "The Gambler" by fun. Just a one-shot, though I may make a second part one day.
Keep your eyes open for the first chapter of "Hunger Within" and the final chapters of "Fill My Jar."