The Henna Problem
Summary: Just a loving little crack fic involving knee caps, rats, pregnancy scares, and raccoon murder.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the OC babies and the plot
XXX
Izuna Uchiha was a man who took pleasure in many things. His family, his pride, his carrots, and his sleep. Something so simple didn't come very easily to him and his best friend Kin was usually to blame. She was always climbing through his window and keeping him up at night with her ridiculous stories about how she got high, tripped over something, then laid on the ground for at least a good hour trying to figure out if the ground ever got cold.
Fortunately, but somewhat unfortunately, Kin was gone for the next year on a self bettering trip. Now, if that were totally true why did he feel the presence of another person lying next to him? Did he miss his friend that much that he was pretending she was next to him? No, it wasn't her. This person was much smaller. Much smaller.
"Oh God dammit Henna!" Izuna exclaimed ripping himself away from her hold and on his feet. Sure enough the tiny girl giggled from her lump under his blankets before poking her silver haired head out.
"Oh my, Izu-baby you look just startled." Her eyes were wide and Izuna could sense a feel of …crazy in them.
"Get out of my bed Henna." He frowned.
"Oh c'mon! I came all the way here to snuggle with you!" She whined. Izuna sighed. He was already tired enough and seeing Henna in his bed drained him of whatever energy he had left. In all honestly he wasn't completely surprised to see her here. Henna had somewhat of an obsession with him. A sick, sick obsession. She basically spent her free time stalking him and lately, she'd had too much free time on her hands. It'd gotten to the point where he could no longer trust his housemates to stop letting her in. They'd all just gotten tired of her vengeful, lust fueled attacks.
"You drove, all the way to my house, at five in the morning, to snuggle? Do you even live with your parents anymore!? How do you get away with this shit!?"
"Um they're sleeping. Duh. Dumbass idiot. You know Izu-baby, for someone with such a nice butt you don't have much brains."
"My butt and my brain have nothing to do with each other nor do they have anything to do with you. Do I need to get another restraining order on you?"
"Does it fucking look like I'm following the restraining order you have now!?" She yelled. God she was always so loud for no reason. The little psychopath stood up in the middle of Izuna's mattress with her arms folded over her chest.
"Izuna. I don't know why you're acting like this. When are you gonna stop playing hard to get?"
"I'm not. You're a stalker. A crazy lunatic." Izuna shuddered as he remembered the last few times he'd been trapped by her. She'd broken into his bathroom while he was in the shower and stolen his towel. She'd littered the house with shadow clones so transportation was out of the question. Or the time she'd poisoned his drink. Or the time after that when she'd poisoned his food. He shook his head remembering all the times she'd appeared out of nowhere and smacked him on his ass. Izuna was a victim to this tiny phenom, a helpless victim. Her insatiable greed for pain left fighting her back awkward and utterly pointless. How does one beat a masochist?
"Thank you Izu-baby. That's so sweet." She sniffled wiping away an invisible tear. "I think you and I both know that we are definitely meant to be together. We share a birthday, we're both very strong, we're both sinfully hot, and the first letter of our names are right next to each other in the alphabet. That my friend, is some hardcore God damn proof."
"You have got to be kidding me. Aren't you supposed to be dating Zein or something?"
"No!" She yelled. "Don't say that word out loud or I swear he'll never let me hear the end of it. I keep telling him, we're not dating! We're just friends who rub our nakedness together."
"You need help midget."
"Hey Izuna, do me a favor, pretend I'm a carrot and fucking eat me!"
"Henna, what do I have to do that isn't degrading or sexual to get you to leave me alone?" Henna made a face. It was her thinking face. She didn't think quite often so she wasn't quite sure what she should look like thinking, but it was somewhere in between irrational anger and frustration.
"Kiss my left kneecap and I will go to sleep and be gone before you wake up later on. I will also not play grab ass with you for a whole week."
"Kiss your left kneecap?" He was only slightly shocked. She was weird.
"Yea, it's a good spot for me. Really gets me going." Her eyes widened again and she began breathing forcefully from her nostrils. The messy haired Uchiha dropped his head into his palm. How did he get the vastly unfortunate luck of knowing her?
"So, you swear, on your Lord Jashin, that if I kiss your stupid little kneecap that you'll go to sleep and leave my butt alone for a whole week?" Henna nodded her head furiously and raised her leg up offering him her kneecap. Well, here went his pride. Izuna heaved a deep sigh and leaned down quickly placing a short kiss on Henna's bare kneecap. She made some kind of squealing noise before she cackled like the maniac she was and plopped her small frame back onto his bed. Izuna resorted to curling up on his couch and closing his eyes against the sunlight that was threatening to spill through his curtains.
Part of him was sure that allowing himself to sleep with her in his room was him just asking to be taken advantage of but the better half of him didn't care. He was tired and from the quiet snores coming from his bed he guessed that she was sleeping…hopefully.
XXX
Miachi sat across the table from her elder cousin Izuna. She watched him quietly while he continuously dozed off and jolted himself back awake. She'd heard all the yelling that came from his room this morning and while she was out looking at the plants that she'd managed to kill she saw Henna climbing out of his window. The two of them made eye contact and Henna scowled at her and told her that she saw nothing before taking off to her car. Miachi was fine with 'seeing nothing'. It was less troublesome that way.
Izuna's eyes were closed again and he was slowly achieving a sleeping face plant into his breakfast plate. Just a little more and, bam. He didn't hit his food. The food had been saved by Kezuri's chakra threads that he'd attached to the plate to move it out of the way. Izuna's head shot up with a red mark on his forehead. His sharingan blazing at the snowy white haired man.
"The actual hell Kezuri?" He spat.
"I was nice enough to make us all breakfast, I won't let your face ruin it." Miachi giggled quietly to herself and it brought on Izuna's attention.
"What are you laughing at? You watched me and said nothing!"
Izuna stared at his cousin, and she stared back. He glared at her and she stared back. He frowned at her and she stared back. "Sorry. That was rude of me wasn't it?" She finally said. Socially handicapped. Just like her father.
"Are you actually apologetic Mia, or are you just saying that?" Izuna asked. Miachi shrugged.
"What's up with you Izuna? You're cranky and tired. Did Kin come back early and keep you awake?" Kitame asked.
"It wasn't Kin." Miachi said in between tiny nibbles of her food. "It was Henna. Don't tell her I told you guys though or she's gonna assault me again."
"I thought we all agreed she wasn't allowed in the house anymore?" Kezuri frowned.
"That was before she stole Kitame's keys and made herself a few copies." Miachi told him.
Kezuri sighed. He didn't have the fondest of memories of the girl. Not to say that he hated her because he didn't, but was she someone he would want to willingly spend his time with? Hell no.
Flashback:
"Hey Kezuri," Miachi said, "I just finished painting Henna's annual weird portrait for her dad's birthday and she gave me $50. Can you pretend you owe her $50 and give it to her before she leaves?"
"Of course Mia." Kezuri smiled. He took the money from his friends hand and walked to the front door. Henna was just finishing shoving the portrait into her backseat when he called out to her. "Henna! Here, before you go, I have that $50 I owe you!"
"Kezuri! Close the damn door, you're letting in flies bitch!" Izuna yelled. Kezuri looked behind him and rolled his amber eyes. Izuna was always yelling about something. By the time he looked back, Henna was charging at him full speed and it was too late to move before she kicked him right in between the legs. His eyes widened and watered with pain as he doubled over onto the ground holding onto his manhood for dear life. The angered little woman scooped the money off the ground and began screaming at him.
"You sick little bastard! I wanted to buy a pet rat yesterday Kezuri, but I couldn't because I didn't have enough fucking money, because you were hogging it! You know where that rat is now!? In some little snot nosed brats home!"
He couldn't even make an argument. He just wanted ice. Ice and a doctor. How in the hell had she forgotten just that fast?
"Rot in hell you jerk!" Henna bolted from the crime scene and into her car, speeding off and tearing up a patch of grass on her way out. Kezuri heard Izuna's footsteps and he thought maybe he was coming to help him. Wrong. Izuna used his foot to shove Kezuri out of the doorway and then slammed the door shut to keep out the flies. Asshole.
End of Flashback.
"We need to have a serious intervention you guys." Kitame said shaking her head. She too had had one too many run ins with the bad side of Henna and it wasn't such a fond memory. Izuna liked to gamble and he was good at it. She'd never beaten him before and she doesn't know what made her think that time was different.
Flashback:
"Hey Miachi!" Kitame exclaimed throwing her arm around her best friends neck. Miachi grumbled to herself shrugging Kitame's arm off her shoulders and putting a reasonable amount of space between the two of them.
"What do you want?" She asked cautiously.
"Ugh, rude? I can't just come in here to hang out with my bestie?"
"You only call me 'Miachi' when you want something." Kitame stared at the dark hated beaut and then decided there was no point in trying to lie to her.
"Okay you're right. I just had a question that I wanted you to answer."
"Oh no." Miachi gasped.
"So uh, has Kezuri put his bunny in your rabbit hole yet?" Miachi raised an eyebrow.
"What? I didn't even know he had a bunny?"
"Oh for fucks sake you're so innocent. Have you and Kezuri consummated your relationship?!"
Miachi gasped her cheeks flushing red. "Kitame! That is none of your business! However, if you must know, we're waiting until were married."
"Wow Mia, that-that's fucking boring." Kitame said with a roll of her eyes. "We all know you two are never gonna break up anyways." Miachi scowled at the other woman and turned away from her.
"I'm done talking about this." Kitame shook her head at her friends back and transported herself back upstairs to Izuna's attic room.
"Well? Do you have something for me?" He asked holding his hand out.
"Your cousin is a prude." She grumbled shoving the money in his hand.
"Miachi is not a prude. She simply has values that we don't. Place your next bet."
"Fine. I bet you $60, that Henna has had at least two pregnancy scares."
"I bet you she's only had one."
"Seriously? You give her too much credit." Kitame laughed.
"And you give her too little. She might be …a lot of things, but she isn't a complete idiot."
"Whatever. Deal. I'll go find that little weirdo." And find her she did. Henna was sitting on a riverbank holding up a net full of fish that were flopping around desperate to get back in the water.
"Hey!" Kitame yelled startling the girl.
"Hey you, you bitch! I'm killing fish here dammit announce yourself quieter next time!"
"Right, sorry. Look I just need to know how many pregnancy scares you've had." Henna's attention was grabbed completely. She felt her blood boiling and before she could even stop herself, not that she wanted to, she sprung into action tackling the older girl to the ground and wrapping her little fingers around her throat.
"Who told you you filthy whore!?" Henna screamed slamming Kitame's head against the ground.
"Henna! Stop it!" Kitame choked.
"It was one time and I was six okay! Nezumi was going around whining about getting her stupid period and Adonis said that she should be grateful because it meant she wasn't pregnant and daddy wouldn't kill her! I didn't have my period! I thought I was pregnant and I didn't want daddy to be mad at me! You have no idea how many times I threw myself down the stairs before my mom finally explained everything to me."
Henna stood up staring down at the girl. She began wagging a finger at Kitame and rolling her neck.
"Dammit, so you've never had a real pregnancy scare?" Kitame sighed feeling her pockets begin to weep.
"Um, bitch that was real. But no, I have never forgotten that and I never will. Jimmy don't get wet with no umbrella!" She added. Henna turned back to her fish net, wailing about how her prisoners had escaped. Kitame went back to Izuna and ran a hand through her dark blue hair.
"Let me guess, I win again?" He questioned.
"No. Hell no. That doesn't even count!"
"Was it the time when she was six and thought she was pregnant because she simply didn't understand her female anatomy yet?"
"You knew?!" She shrieked.
"Of course I knew. When she's not trying to wiggle her way into my pants she's quiet easy to talk to and she'll tell you literally anything." Kitame narrowed her eyes into slits at the oldest of Madara Uchiha's children and throw the money at his head before storming out. Fuck him.
End of Flashback:
"I don't mind speaking to Henna." Miachi said. Her three housemates had no objections whatsoever and so it was decided that Miachi would be the lamb sent to the slaughter.
XXX
Miachi wasn't necessarily afraid of Henna as she had no reason to be. She'd never done anything to anger her. Well, except for the few times that she refused to let Henna inside the house which ensued a fight that Henna won. Whatever. That was different. Sort of.
Miachi pulled into the long, winding drive way of the home of immortals. Henna was sitting on the porch in a bathing suit feeding her pet raccoon. Mr. Twinkle Toes as she called it. Upon seeing the girl pull up Henna was immediately on alert. Glaring at Mia who slowly emerged from her car with her hands up.
"I come in peace oh tiny cute one." Miachi said with a small smile.
"Ah, so you come bearing compliments. Nice. What do you want oh tall weird spinster!"
"Spinster? I'm not a spinster." Mia frowned.
"Yea yea what the hell do you want?" Mia looked at the way Henna stroked the fur on the raccoons back. It just sat there in her arms, casually sniffing for food.
"Henna, I think we should talk. About your um, visitation rights." Henna's silver and violet speckled eyes slowly narrowed at her.
"My visitation rights?" She reiterated. Miachi nodded. Henna smiled suddenly. "Miachi, Miachi, Miachi. Is this about what you think you saw earlier?"
"Maybe. Or maybe it's about how you've assaulted my housemates and I physically, mentally, emotionally, and in Izuna's case, sexually."
"Miachi. Do you care about your well being?" Henna asked her.
"Are you threatening me?" Miachi asked.
"Does it look like I'm fucking threatening you?! Do you or don't you?"
"Obviously yes Henna!"
"Then don't you dare say what I know you're trying to say!"
"Henna, come on. You knew this was coming eventually." Miachi sighed.
"What? Just because you guys are punks I can't hang out at your house anymore?!" Miachi was quite sure that Henna's breathing at this point had become very abnormal and if done by anyone else she would have been slightly worried, but with Henna she felt like the girl was gearing up to slap half her face off.
"If I let you continue to come over will you stop hitting us and yelling at us and ya know, stop trying to rape Izuna?"
"Dammit Mia! I love you guys why are you doing this to me!? That's just how I express my love! Love love love!" Henna whined.
"You love us?" Mia asked.
"Fucking duh. Dumbass idiot." Mia stared at Henna with such confusion.
"See you say you love me, but then you insult me."
"I can't help it. I was born with this disease where I give no fucks about what I say and do. It's awesome."
"Fine. Henna look, we love you too, but you have to promise to try and tone it down a bit or you can't hang out at the Lead House anymore. Deal?" Miachi asked offering her pinky. Henna stared at the pinky. And then accepted it.
"Deal you creepy little cow!" Henna laughed. "Here hold my Mr. Twinkle Toes! I have to get his leash so I can walk him!" Henna shoved the raccoon into Mia's arms and started into the house. "Oh!" She stopped and looked back at Mia. "Feel free to watch the booty Mia. I get it from my mama!" And then she was gone.
Miachi's cheeks felt hot and she stared down at the raccoon in her arms. It was so tame and calm. It was actually kind of cute too when you got a good look at it. Miachi smiled at the raccoon and stroked the fur covered belly. And then she realized it. The raccoon had stopped breathing. The raccoon was dead.
"Oh no." Mia wailed quietly. "I killed her raccoon!" She shrieked to herself. Miachi began to panic. She didn't know what to do. Why had she even accepted to hold it? She knew she wasn't allowed around pets ever since she dropped her pet fish on the floor and it died. So in her panic she threw the raccoon into the air and it landed with a thud on the porch in front of her.
As Mia looked down at the dead animal she also saw the hunter green nail polish on tiny toes that belonged to Henna. Henna who stared at her beloved pet.
"Henna I am so-" Henna silenced Miachi with a sole finger on her lips and she returned back into her house. "I feel horrible." She muttered to herself. Henna actually seemed slightly devastated when she saw her dead animal on the floor. Miachi sighed and raised her head and just in time because Henna hadn't gone to go sob in a corner about the loss of her best friend. She had gone into her house to recover her scythe. It looked just like her fathers only with two blades instead of one.
Miachi darted from off the porch and across the lawn while Henna chased after her yelling obscenities. Unfortunately for Mia, she couldn't get in her car fast enough so she went in circles again and again with Henna. Fortunately for Mia, Hidan had heard her screaming and had come to her rescue, disarming his youngest. While Hidan laughed and made promises to go and find a new raccoon for Henna, Mia got into her car and sped off as fast as she could. Screw it, if Henna wanted to come over, Miachi wasn't going to stop her, but she sure as hell wouldn't be there either.
XXX
A/N: And there you have it. My first completed crack-fic of the OC kids. I hope you all liked it and as you know, I introduced two new children today. Kezuri and Kitame. They'll be used and described more in other stories. Also, I hope by now everyone has gotten a really good feel of Henna's character because she'll basically remain the same throughout all of her stories. Crazy just like her old man. Which means a lot of cursing, a lot of sexual assault towards Izuna, and maybe more animal killing.
Anyways, R&R, please and thanks!