Author's Note: Hey guys. This is just an idea of what would happen if Darquesse got shunted to the Harry Potter dimension. Although Harry Potter himself isn't in here, there is an amusing showdown with Lord Voldemort. The first half contains most of the comedy, while the action is in the second half. Hope you like it! Reviews are much appreciated.
-MOP
Skulduggery and Valkyrie walked briskly down a dimly lit hallway.
"Why did we come here again?" Valkyrie asked in a slightly agitated tone.
"For the view" Skulduggery replied simply.
"We're in a prison."
"I never said it was a good view."
"I would hardly call it a view at all. All I can see are walls and bars," Valkyrie said, rolling her eyes.
"Nonsense. Any sight can be a view. Besides, don't you ever stare at walls?"
"Only when I have nothing else to do."
"And do you have anything else to do?"
Valkyrie opened her mouth, than closed it again. "Just tell me why we're here," she said through gritted teeth.
"A friendly visit," Skulduggery said cheerfully.
"None of our visits are friendly…."
"A few have been."
"Name one."
Skulduggery paused, then said, "An unfriendly visit then."
"To who?"
"An old friend."
"I thought you said-"
"An old enemy."
"Skulduggery, I swear…."
"I believe he might have a lead on who killed the Butter Twins."
"Ah I see." She frowned. "Why would anyone call themselves the Butter Twins?"
"Valkyrie, I don't know the answers to everything."
"Obviously."
They reached the end of the hall and were about to walk into the prison lunchroom when a guard stopped them. "Hold there. You're not supposed to be in here," he said, taking a Cleaver-like scythe from his back.
"Sure we are, the prison warden must have said something?" Skulduggery said.
"Oh. You must be the detectives. I've heard rumors about you two…"
"Good ones?" Skulduggery asked, hopefully.
"No."
Skulduggery's shoulders sagged slightly. "Ah."
He waited a few seconds, then said, "Well?"
"Well what?"
"Are you going to let us through or am I going to have to punch you?"
The guard frowned. "I hate being punched…." and he stepped aside.
Valkyrie looked into the lunchroom and tensed slightly. There were over sixty nasty looking inmates.
The guard must have caught her look and said, "Don't worry they all have magic damping handcuffs on. The only way to get them off is with a password, which is unbreakable."
"How unbreakable?"
"I thought it up myself," he said proudly.
"Well, that's reassuring…" she said, sarcastically.
She followed Skulduggery into the center of the lunchroom.
"Why are they looking at us like that?" she whispered.
"Like what?"
"Oh, I don't know, like they want to kill us in the slowest most painful way possible?"
"Oh. Like that. I imagine half of them are in here because of me. Which of course makes you just as much of a target, because why hate one person when you can hate two?"
She glared at him. "You really don't know how to make someone feel better."
He ignored her and sat down across from one of the largest men Valkyrie had ever seen. She would be surprised if he could even walk. He was balding except for a small, ridiculous patch of hair near the back of his head. A few tables away she caught sight of a man that could only be Silas Nadir, the dimensional shunter. He turned around and looked at her with hate in his eyes. She blinked and quickly looked away.
"Hello again, Bill," Skulduggery said.
"I can't believe you have the nerve to talk to me. I didn't do it. Whatever it is, I didn't do it." Bill said in a startlingly high pitched voice.
Valkyrie could help smiling a little. "Why is he in here?" she asked Skulduggery.
"FOR STEALING PINEAPPLES! THEY GAVE ME LIFE IN PRISON FOR STEALING PINEAPPLES!" Bill raged.
"No. You're in here for killing the people that tried to arrest you for stealing A LOT pineapples," Skulduggery corrected.
"They tried to take my pineapples…" Bill practically whimpered
Valkyrie had to stop herself from laughing "wouldn't you rather steal beef sticks?"
As soon as she ended the sentence the lunchroom was filled with a series of loud clicks as dozens of handcuffs were unlocked.
Skulduggery turned slowly and called to the entrance guard, "Your unbreakable handcuff password is beef sticks?"
The guard's eyes filled with fear as the prisoners slowly stood up. "I was hungry," he said softly, then bolted down the hallway, pursued by three prisoners. The remaining four dozen smiled at the two detectives.
"Oh hell," Skulduggery sighed.
"Run?" asked Valkyrie.
"Run."
They bolted from the table, heading for the exit, but five greasy prisoners blocked they're path, pushing at the air as one. Skulduggery directed the air around him, but Valkyrie was thrown backward. She landed hard and was hauled to her feet by a bald man. He laughed and pulled back his fist, but she was too quick for him. She hit him in the face and flipped him over her hip. She looked up just in time to dodge a kick to the face. Then without warning, a stream of blue energy hit her in the chest, sizzling right through her very bones.
Valkyrie fell to her knees, vaguely aware of people laughing. She couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't think, and the life was leaving her fast…. This of course was the last thing she had in mind. She healed the hole in her chest and Darquesse stood up.
The prisoners murmured in surprise and smiled, realizing they could have more fun. How adorable. A large man ran at her, but she punched through his head and threw his corps behind her. She took the heads off three men with shadows and burned another with a powerful jet of flame. Laughing, Darquesse spun around just in time to catch a beam of blue energy in her palm. Without much effort she reversed the direction of the beam and amplified it tenfold, reducing its owner to dust.
By now the room was filled with shouts as the prisoners scrambled over each other to get to the doors.
Skulduggery was on the floor, struggling to get up. It looked like he had been kicked by the five other inmates. Poor thing.
Darquesse sensed someone behind her and whirled around just in time to get hit in the face by Silas Nadir. She laughed, grabbing his wrist and throwing him across the room.
But something was wrong. Her cheek throbbed, and her smiled faded as she realized she was about to be shunted to another dimension. The world flickered. Maybe if she killed him it would stop. She charged at him, drawing back her fist, but right before she could hit him, the lunchroom vanished and was replaced by a cemetery.
Darquesse's fist slammed into a large headstone that stood where Nadir had a moment ago. The headstone split apart.
Roaring with rage, she blasted the rest to pieces. How was she going to kill the world when she was trapped in here- she smiled as realization dawned on her. Why not kill this one as well?
A group of people across the cemetery caught her attention. They were all dressed in black robes, and all but one had hoods obscuring they're faces. The man in the center seemed to be the leader. Has was bald and his face was oddly snake-like. Darquesse smiled in spite of herself at the notion.
The bald leader was talking angrily with one of the other men. She wondered if they were sorcerers. Then as if in answer to the question, the leader raised what seemed to be a stick. There was a flash of green light, and the unlucky fellow dropped to the ground.
It was at this moment that Darquesse revealed herself. There was a pause as the other sorcerers studied her. Then in a raspy voice, the leader said "Ah, someone to amuse yourselves with. Have fun."
"Not very friendly-"she started to say but was cut off as someone pointed a stick at her and yelled "Crucio!"
Agonizing pain shot through every part of Darquesse's body. It was quite fascinating. She had never been in this much pain before. Just from a stick too. She studied the pain with curiosity for a few more seconds, and then shut it off. She grabbed at the water inside the sorcerer, and ripped it out of his body, and he crumbled in dusty heap on the ground. She ignored the sounds of surprise from the other sorcerers and forced the water down another man's throat, exploding his stomach, and expanded the air in another man's lungs. There were several shouts of "Avada Kadavra!"
She dodged three green bolts and caught the forth one in her hand. It was an amazingly powerful piece of magic; meant to extinguish a life apparently. She had never seen anything like if before. She sent the green light into a sorcerer as he tried to run, and he fell down and didn't move again. It was truly amazing.
Darquesse blocked a few more green death spells and sent a stream of fire at another mage. But he dispersed it with the stick in his hand. What were those things?
Laughing she poured magic into her hands torching everything around her. Most of the mages were able to protect themselves but a few were burned to a crisp.
Suddenly the bald leader yelled "ENOUGH!" and sent a shockwave that extinguished the flames and took Darquesse off her feet. She tried to get up but something kept her down. The leader was still pointing his stick thing at here. What the hell were those things? She strained against his magic, but he didn't waver.
"I'm not here to fight you," he said in his raspy voice
"Obviously."
"Instead; I have a proposition for you."
"Oh?" she laughed. "And what might that be?"
"There is a castle a few miles west of here. I want you to destroy it, and kill everyone inside."
"My god what a compassionate person you are.
"Do it."
"Let me up."
"Swear you will do as I ask."
"Swearing is bad for you."
"I could kill you now."
Darquesse looked at him, and knew he was telling the truth.
"Why don't you do it? If you want something done correctly, do it yourself, right?
"Your magic is different. Even I can see that. You could easily get past their defenses."
"Well I have always wanted to storm a castle…" she admitted.
She sighed. "Fine, I'll do it."
The bald leader released the spell keeping her down, and she stood up.
"I should kill you all now," she said. The leader raised his annoying stick thing. "But you won't."
She cocked her head to the side "Later, sweetheart," and jumped into the air, speeding west.
It wasn't long till the castle came into view and Darquesse smiled at the thought of turning it to rubble.
She was about a quarter mile from the front wall when she smashed into what felt like a brick wall of air. It was an odd sensation, feeling her neck break and spiraling out of control downward. She hit the ground and felt her body cave in. she found it amusing that her body was this damaged and it still wasn't as painful as that spell earlier. She healed her neck first, then fixed her spine, and felt the bones in the rest of her body click back into place. Fixing the muscles took a little more work but she managed it and stood up. Now where was that pesky force field she hit?
Darquesse walked slowly forward until she felt something invisible in the air and pressed her hands against it. She laughed in spite of herself, it was clever. Powerful, and clever.
She punched it as hard as she could and felt the bones in her arm splinter. Wonderful.
After healing herself again, she poured almost all her magic into her fist, making it glow dark red, then punched the force field again. There was the sound of breaking glass as the entire wall broke apart.
She smiled and sped toward the castle again.
Darquesse reached the main castle doors and shot through them, blasting them to splinters. She raised her hand. The shadows curling around it, ready to kill everyone in the main hall. She hesitated. Kids. There were just kids looking up at her from their dinner tables, mystified. Why would she want to kill kids? She shook her head; she wanted to kill everyone, kids included. No she didn't.
"Ah," Darquesse said aloud, "Very clever, Valkyrie."
She sent a blast of fire mixed with shadows downward, but at the very last second her aim changed and she hit the far wall, blowing a hole clean through it.
The children started panicking and scrambling underneath her. But there were several adults at a long table who stood up and started firing spells from their annoying stick things. Darquesse deflected most of them but missed one, and it sent her flying backward into a wall. She rose into the air again, but suddenly threw herself sideways into the wall again. Why would she do that?
Some of the kids were joining in and firing spell after spell at her. Darquesse let out a cry of frustration. She couldn't fight both the mages and Valkyrie at the same time.
The battle in her head was as crazy as the one outside; Valkyrie was fighting full force to get through, because she didn't want to murder all those children. Which was silly really, because neither did Darquesse. Didn't she? Valkyrie fell to one knee trying to stop the constant barrage of spells hitting her. And her check was throbbing. Wait. NO!
Darquesse spread her arms wide; creating a shockwave so powerful it blasted everyone in the Dining Hall of their feet and causing plates of food to fly everywhere.
The world flickered. Valkyrie took the opportunity to run back through the splintered front doors.
Darquesse turn around and raised her hand to burn everything, but Valkyrie lowered it as the castle disappeared, and was replaced by a small hut at the top of the hill.
Valkyrie sat down, breathing hard. She was back in control, but she knew she wouldn't be able to get there by herself again. After a few minutes she forced herself to stand up and start walking back to the prison. She had to find Skulduggery and finish the Butter Twins case.