"I don't want to go to the stinking wedding, mom!" Cartman yelled, almost loud enough for the neighbors to hear. He was quite frustrated about missing sleep that day just to attend a dumb wedding. Not only was it going to be full of stinky old people, but it had to be on a Saturday of all days.
"But poopsikins, there will be lots of delicious yum yum snacks there for you!" his mother replied, her voice as sweet as the heart attack inducing frosting on a wedding cake. But even cake couldn't get young Eric to budge from his bed that day. He was hellbent on catching up with the sleep he missed from trying to make one million dollars last night.
You see, his attempt to reverse time so that he could win the lottery failed, and now all he wanted was his much needed rest. Mom just didn't understand that hustling was a hard job. Well, okay, she probably did considering her own profession, but that didn't really matter right now. Sleep did.
He rolled over to face the wall, holding a pillow over his head to block out all sound and light from the living world. His mother sighed, but finally accepted her son's stubbornness. "Alright. I'll let you sleep for 30 more minutes, but then you have to get ready." And with that, she left to go put on her own attire.
Mrs. Cartman returned about a half hour later, dressed in a small black dress, matching heels and a shiny pearl necklace. Her lipstick was bright red, a shade sure to draw attention and potential clients. In her hands she held a cleanly pressed suit and tie. She hung them on the closet door and then opened the window blinds.
"Snookums, time to wake up!" she announced cheerily, the blinding sunlight flooding the room.
"Hmmmph!" Cartman grumbled, immensely annoyed.
"Sweetie, if you don't get dressed now we might be late!" his mother pressed.
"Alright, mahmm! I'm going as fast as I can!" he muttered grumpily, rolling over in his bed to the face the opposing direction of the light. Cartman getting out of bed wasn't exactly a quick process. Neither was him getting dressed.
When they finally arrived at the wedding, he was greeted by dozens of sloppy wet kisses from old people. The church smelled like mildew and diapers, but he managed to survive through it with the help of his handheld game.
The ceremony didn't seem as long and boring as he expected, considering he was busy shooting robots and aliens the whole time. When it finally ended though, he was disappointed to learn that they wouldn't be going home yet. No, not yet, because now they had to attend a wedding reception. How many parts to a wedding did there need to be? He was pissed off, to say the least. This stupid event was taking up his whole Saturday.
On the bright side, there would be food as promised, so he had begrudgingly agreed to attend. It wasn't like he had much of a choice anyway. The only reason his mother was attending the wedding in the first place was so that she could pick up new "clientelle" at the after-party.
When they got there, Mrs. Cartman quickly went off to chatter with random men, leaving Cartman all by himself. He stood there awkwardly for awhile, observing the surroundings and scanning for the food tables. The reception area itself was hideously tacky; covered in multicolored streamers, balloons, and shiny lamé fabric, which hung from just about all that the awful decorators could cover. It looked as though a sequin eating monster had thrown up on everything in sight.
He scoped out the food tables, and was just about to dive for them when something much more appealing caught his eye. At first, he thought he was just imagining things. Maybe someone just spiked his drink and he was coincidentally drunk. But after a double take, he realized that it wasn't a dream. She was beautiful.
Cartman had never seen anyone quite like her before. She looked very sweet and innocent, wearing soft pink and white adorned with cute lace ruffles. She was about the same height as Cartman, too. There was a very quiet, reserved quality about her.
He noticed how she was just sitting there by all herself, and looked lonely. Maybe he should approach her? Just to get to know her, nothing serious. But he was getting nervous just thinking about it.
"No. I can't..what if I do something stupid?" he thought to himself. Rather than risk making a fool of himself, he decided to lurk against the wall and watch from afar, hoping nobody would notice his obsessive gaze.
It took a good couple of minutes before Cartman finally built up the confidence to go up to her. Nobody else was around, so this was his chance.
"Hello, precious," he greeted, stars of lust dancing in his eyes. There was something about her that made his heart flutter.
Suddenly overwhelmed with desire, he continued. "I couldn't help but notice how..enticing..you look. And..I can see that you're not one for words. Neither am I."
With that, he gave her a soft and swift caress, before grabbing her with both hands, almost desperately to try and keep her from getting away from his mouth. It was a brash move, but she tasted so sweet on his lips..and he didn't want this moment to ever end.
Cartman was harshly brought back to reality when he felt a hard slap land on his cheek. He suddenly let go, realizing that he had gotten carried away in the moment. Desire had gotten the best of him.
"Eric, what have you done to the cake?!" his grandmother shrieked. All that remained of the beautiful wedding cake was a mushy mess of crumbs and icing. There were pink and white globs all over the floor. He looked up at his grandmother, then to the onlookers standing nearby, looks of shock and disappointment on their faces. He simply shrugged innocently. His suit was ruined, and so was the wedding. And now, he would have to pay the consequences.
But it was so totally worth it.
He licked the last bit of delicious frosting from his lips and smiled to himself.