Sigh. Mandy Milkovich is my girl. Her relationship with Ian is my favorite so of course, this mostly about them.
This is also written in the same headcanon I wrote for Mandy, but this can be read as a stand alone piece.
future rust and future dust
Mandy was on the ground, flat on her back, her arms spread out to the sides. Her eyes were open, huge, and she was staring up at the sky in something that felt like amazement but she knew how fucking high she was and she felt a little like an idiot, but even more like a fucking special snowflake, so whatever. Ian was beside her and it was like she could almost feel his chest taking in those deep breaths, inhaling the nitrous, and it was all vibrating in her ears. His breathing, her heart beat. Everything was so loud and the stars that were just starting to appear above them were so fucking big and swirly and Mandy couldn't help the high pitched laugh that came out of her mouth when Ian said, "Fuck me. This was a bad idea."
She snorted and giggled and turned her head to look at his face. His pupils were blown so wide and he had this look of terrified wonderment on his face. Her hand felt so fucking heavy when she lifted it and batted her fingers at his face. They brushed against his mouth and his head turned from side to side.
"What do you feel?"
"I'm seeing all this shit Mandy." He sounded so freaked out and she felt bad, but the smile was not dropping from her face. It was a fuck good high for her and it was a damn shame that Ian wasn't feeling it like she was.
She stretched her arm and placed her hand over his eyes. "Just shut your eyes. It'll be over soon."
She heard him swallow loudly and his lashes brushed against her palm when he closed his eyes. He kept breathing so fast though and it felt like the sound was filling everything, her ears, her vision, she felt it pulsating all over her skin.
"Shhhh…" she whispered to him and then she looked back up at the sky and the black started mixing with the whites of the stars and it was swirling together in a mess and she felt so deliriously happy. With Ian's breathing starting to even out, she gave herself over to that feeling.
Later, when cold air was filling Mandy's lungs and her head was clearing, she turned to Ian, who was still lying beside her on the ground, her hand still covering his eyes. He looked a little more relaxed, less like he was about to piss himself, and she smiled softly at him.
"You okay?" She removed her hand and he blinked at her before smiling slightly.
"That was fucked up."
Mandy just hummed quietly and Ian grabbed her hand and pressed a kiss against it before setting it on his chest. She could feel his heart beat through his layers of clothing and she closed her eyes, feeling the quiet just as intensely as she'd felt the stars and his breathing a few minutes ago. And for the first time in weeks, she felt whole and happy, just lying there with him. She pushed everything else away, Lip, Mickey, everything. She felt a little like she was home again with Ian next to her on the ground, holding her hand like that.
Because she was still a little out of it, she told him that and he pressed a kiss to her hand again. He was quiet for a few minutes, and she scooted closer to him, their heads touching, faces turned to the sky, and her eyes closed.
"I gotta get out of here." He spoke quietly and Mandy turned her face to him with her eyes still closed.
"Dinner with the family?" She felt a slight pang when Lip's face came to mind but then Ian was talking again.
"No, well sort of, but that's not what I meant."
She cracked her eyes open and saw he was chewing on his lip anxiously. She felt the mood change to something she'd tried to avoid. She took a deep breath and exhaled quickly through her nose as everything she'd eavesdropped on in the hallway came back to her in one big rush.
"The army."
He sighed out a "Yeah," in one slow breath.
"I didn't think you were serious." And she knows how stupid that sounds because it's the fucking army and it's Ian. Ian has never said or done anything in the time she's been his best friend if he wasn't serious about it and Ian has always been serious about wanting the army. Call it wishful thinking, but she'd thought he was just saying that shit to get back at Mickey somehow.
Ian glances at her and then it all comes out in a big stream of words about his idea to use Lip's id and birthdate and all this other shit that he's convinced will fly under the radar of the U.S. Army. Ian tells her the army has always been his end goal so why wait on fucking West Point and waiting to be a high school graduate when he's so ready to do it now. And Mandy listens and fights to breathe evenly. He doesn't talk about Mickey or the shit he's shoveled in Ian's direction for the better part of two years and Mandy can only grip his hand harder. She can feel the air getting trapped in her lungs and like she's sinking into the ground from the weight of this.
She blinks up at the sky, half listening, half trying to come up with some reason for him to not do this, to not be so fucking stupid. She can't decide if she should slap him herself or call up Fiona Gallagher and let her do it.
She turns back at Ian, at the strong, stubborn set of his jaw, the hard look in his eyes and she can see a faint scar that's now above his eyebrow. She doesn't know if it's from Terry or from Mickey and her heart sinks because fucking hell, that it's even a question makes her want to throw up.
She can remember when she was a kid and the shit her dad would do to her mom when he came home drunk or pissed off, Mandy's never known the difference. Terry would slap her around, yell at her, a few times he even wrapped his hands around her mom's neck until she stopped screaming. And when Terry passed out or fucked off elsewhere, Mandy's mom would always reach for her needles, shoot up her veins, or she would press the lit ends of her cigarettes into the skin of her legs. Mandy would watch her from the hallway and her mom would always smile with her cracked and bloody lips, a smile that never reached her empty eyes, and say, "It's alright. It's just our way."
Mandy glanced back at Ian and she sees it, the same dead, empty look in his eyes that she recognized from her childhood. And the scar. She wanted to scream and punch and kick because this didn't have to be his way. It should never have been his way.
And she understood then why he wanted to get out. He was coping, in probably the only way left to him. Getting out and finding something, anything, to distract himself from the pain of loving someone who might never give that back to him and will only ever hurt him. And she didn't want him to hurt anymore, especially not over shits like her and her family.
Ian had finished a while ago and was staring at her, waiting. She took a deep breath and squeezed his hand. "Do you really want this?"
Without breaking her gaze he nodded, said, "Yes."
"Then you should go." What else could she say to him? Since she'd been slapped with the reality of Ian and Mickey, she had promised herself she'd wake the fuck up and be his friend again. So even though she thought he was stupid and making a fucking mess of his life, she would stay beside him.
They lay there in the silence for a while longer, Mandy watching him and trying to remember everything, remember the beginning, the middle, the end. Them.
She asks him if she can go with him when he leaves, if she can get a good look at the other recruits and point out the ones she approves of and disapproves of if he ever needs a good fuck while he's gone. He laughs at her and says thanks but no thanks. And he looks at her so fondly that it splinters her heart a little bit. She tries to memorize everything she can about him, the way his hair is mussed up from laying on the ground, the feel of his hand around hers, the feeling of belonging she has with him. She swallows around the panic building because she doesn't want him to go, to leave her alone, but she knows she has no choice.
They talk quietly, tell each other things they've never said to each other, but had always thought there would be time for. And Mandy feels a sense of urgency to tell him all of this shit about herself, like she doesn't want him to forget about her. She wants him to tell her everything as well, and she tries to soak up as much of him as she can.
Too soon though, Ian sits up and shakes his head, trying to clear out the fuzz and Mandy follows suit.
"We're having a party for Lip," he looks at her a little guiltily, but she waves him off.
They stand and she watches him wipe the leaves from the back of his jacket and wind the scarf around his neck and she tries not to think that this might be the last time she ever sees him. Because that thought scares her more than anything she has ever experienced in her life. More than Terry hurting her, more than Lip hating her, more than Mickey making one of the biggest mistakes of his life by letting Ian slip through his fingers.
She walks to him and hugs him and when his arms come around her, tight, she has to remind herself to breathe. "Please…" her voice cracks and catches and Ian presses a kiss to her cheek. "Please write or call or whatever. Let me know when you're okay."
"I will," he says quietly into her ear and she closes her eyes. His hands rub gently against her back and she realizes she's shaking in his arms because fuck, this is bullshit and she hates it and she wishes she could make it all stop. She doesn't want to say goodbye, to let go, but that's what Ian needs from her.
"I promise, Mandy. As soon as I'm okay, I'll let you know."
They hug each other for a little while longer before Ian presses another kiss to her cheek and when he pulls away, her breath stutters a bit because of the look on his face. It's sad and hard and for a brief moment, she thinks he looks like a soldier. But it disappears when he smiles and gives her this wave and then he's walking out of her yard. They don't say the actual words, but Mandy can't help feeling that this is goodbye and the emptiness she feels is sudden and bitter. She stands there and watches him until she can't see him anymore and then she sits on the back steps, lights a cigarette, blowing the smoke in circles like Ian had taught her once.
When she hears the back door open, and Mickey sits next to her, she doesn't acknowledge him or his fucking inability to grow a pair.
She scowls at him when he reaches and snags her cigarette. "You talk him out of that bullshit?"
Fucking incredible. "No."
"The fuck not?"
She steals her cigarette back and takes a long drag. "It's what he wants. Who the fuck am I to stand in his way?" And she looks him straight in the eye, her mouth set in a scowl. Mickey kind of grunts and then they sit there, not speaking to each other because she is still so pissed at him. Mickey kicks at the chipped wood of the steps and Mandy brings her knees up to her chest, crossing her arms and resting her head on them.
Mickey rubs at his eyebrows and his fingers tap against his knees before he says angrily, "What the fuck is he expecting?"
"From you? Nothing anymore."
Mickey stops his fidgeting and Mandy can almost feel it when he shuts off and mentally checks out. He looks away from her and she is so disappointed in him. It's a strange feeling, she's more used to being pissed and annoyed at him or fucking proud to be his sister. But she cannot ever remember a time in her life when she's been disappointed in him. Mickey has always been a force in her life, he's always looked out for her, protected her, stood up for her, and she'd always been able to look to him when they needed to get shit done. But now, she's seeing this cowardly side of her brother and it's… fucking disappointing.
She and Mickey continue to sit there on the steps together and Mandy doesn't have it in her to fight the emptiness that washes through her because everything she'd thought she'd known about her brother and Ian and herself was so wrong.
And Mandy had no idea when that would change.
I have some things written and outlined to continue this as a future fic from Mandy's point of view, mostly just little snippets and scenes, so I'll post them on here.
Title from "Spanish Sahara" by Foals.
Thank you for reading!