DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Bill, or the line I've borrowed from 'Officer Krupke' in West Side Story.
Author's Note: Well, here's a new story from me with a bit of a Christmas vibe. So, Merry Christmas everyone (though it's a bit late...)!
It's Christmas!!
To be honest, Smithy really didn't stand a chance against the Christmas festivities. Apart from all of the decorations, there was mistletoe everywhere. He had found out where the majority of it was, but he had missed one crucial piece – in the doorway of the sergeant's office.
He was currently standing in the doorway talking to Callum, who was aware of the mistletoe which was right above Smithy's head. Across the corridor, Leon was in the inspector's office talking to Rachel.
"Do you reckon…?" Leon asked.
"No, I don't think he's realised yet…"
"Even though Callum keeps looking up at the door frame?" he said, just as Callum's eyes flicked up to the mistletoe and back to Smithy's face.
"He knows something's up, just hasn't worked out what it is yet…"
Leon looked at his watch. "Well, he's running out of time…"
"How long…?"
"One minute to go…"
"Left it a bit late, hasn't he…?"
"Yeah… Hang on, hold that thought…" Rachel said, as Callum leaned towards Smithy.
"Wait for it…" Leon said, getting his phone out and putting it in camera mode.
"There we go!" Rachel said, as Callum kissed Smithy on the lips. Leon started filming, resisting the temptation to wolf-whistle. He held up his hand for a high five.
Then Rachel saw the Superintendent. "Bugger, here comes the Super!" she whispered to Leon, who looked up.
"This is gonna be classic!" Leon said, looking back at his phone.
"Sergeant Stone and Sergeant Smith! What are you doing?" said Superintendent Heaton. Surprised, Callum let go of Smithy, who fell on the floor. Leon and Rachel were doubled over in silent laughter, although Leon was just about managing to keep his phone still.
"I honestly don't know what…" Smithy said. But he trailed off when he saw the mistletoe at the top of the door frame as he stood up. "…Ah… Mistletoe…" he said, pointing at the mistletoe. Callum burst out laughing and Heaton took a step backwards, out of the line of fire.
"Care to explain, Sergeants?" Heaton asked, looking between the two sergeants expectantly. Smithy looked at the Superintendent and shrugged his shoulders, as confused as Heaton. Both men turned to look at Callum.
"Well… It was a dare, but it is for charity, sir…" Callum said.
"A dare for charity?" Heaton said, slightly perplexed.
"Basically, I was dared to plant some mistletoe in the doorway and then corner someone in the doorway and kiss them under the mistletoe within five minutes of getting the person there… And unfortunately for him, Smithy just happened to be that someone…"
"Is there any particular reason why it was me? Or was it just because I was the other person who is most likely to be in here?" Smithy asked.
"It was because you were most likely to be in there at the time…"
"Well, that figures…"
"Sorry Smithy…" Callum had the good grace to look a bit sheepish.
"You will be…" Smithy muttered under his breath.
"Anyway, who dared you to do this?" Heaton asked.
Leon and Rachel looked at each other. Bollocks, they thought simultaneously.
"Quickly, put that away and act like I'm telling you off!" Rachel hissed. Leon did as he was told.
"I shouldn't grass, but it was Nate and Mel…" Callum said. Leon and Rachel looked around, surprised that Callum hadn't told the Superintendent that it was them who had set the dare.
"You mean PC Roberts and PC Ryder?"
"The very same, sir…"
"Well, I shall have to go and have a word with them. Now don't let me catch you two doing anything like that again, or I'll stick you in CAD for a few weeks… Do you hear me?"
"Yes, sir…" said Smithy and Callum at the same time.
Heaton walked off. Stone turned to the inspector's office and knocked on the door, which Rachel opened.
"Money please, you two…" he said, holding his hand out. Reluctantly, both Leon and Rachel dug £10 notes out of their pockets and put them in Callum's outstretched hand. "Thank you…"
Smithy looked between the three of them. "So it was you two that dared him?" Leon and Rachel nodded. "And you've just got Nate and Mel in trouble?" Smithy continued, turning to face Callum.
"You blamed Nate and Mel?" said Rachel. She didn't look very happy.
"Nate's gonna kill you… And Mel probably won't be far behind him…" Leon remarked. Smithy and Rachel nodded in agreement.
"Bollocks! They will as well!" said Callum when realisation dawned on him.
Smithy spotted Nate and Mel walking up the corridor towards them. He tapped Callum on the shoulder and pointed at them. Callum gulped.
"Run!" said Leon, Rachel and Smithy in unison as Callum sprinted off down the corridor.
* * *
"Hi Smithy!" said Arun, as the pair of them walked into the male locker room.
"Hello Arun. How are you?"
"I'm good thanks, and yourself?"
"I'm good thank you! Now, what can I do for you?"
"Well, the lads and I were thinking of putting on a pantomime… Cinderella to be exact…"
"Ye-es…"
"And we were wondering if you'd like anything to do with it…"
"I don't mind directing or producing it if you need some help…"
"Oh! Well, that wasn't really what we meant…" At this point, Callum, Nate, Tony, Roger, Ben, Leon, Mickey, Will, Jacob, Terry Max and Stuart walked into the room.
"You see, Smithy, we have sorted out most of the parts…" said Roger.
"… But we're at a loose end for the final one we need…" continued Ben.
"… And we think you'd be excellent for the part…" said Nate. Max held up a fairy wand.
Smithy looked at the wand in horror. "Oh no…"
"We think you'd make a lovely fairy, Smithy…" said Callum. Some of the men sniggered.
"There is no way in hell I'm going to be a fairy…" Smithy said.
"Please Smithy?" said Stuart.
"Nuh-uh… Nope, never, over my dead body…"
"But we've already got you a costume, and we're sure it'll look lovely on you…" Leon said, as Terry held up a fairy costume.
"Look, Smithy, it's only a bit of fun…" said Tony.
"I'm one of the ugly sisters!" said Jacob, trying to reason with the sergeant.
"And I'm bleeding Cinderella!" said Will. Smithy snorted.
"Please Smithy…?" they all pleaded. He shook his head. Then they all knelt down on the floor, forming a circle around Smithy.
"Officer Krupke, we're down on our knees…" they sang.
"Fine! I'll do it, but bear in mind that you'll be buying me drinks for a long time now…"
Everyone cheered and stood up.
"Cheers Smithy, you're a life saver…" said Arun as he walked out of the locker room, followed by everyone else, with Max and Terry only pausing to give Smithy his costume and the wand.
When the door had closed behind them, Smithy sighed and looked at the wand. "I'm never going to live this down…" he said to himself.
* * *
"Secret Santa!" shouted an excited Sally as she ran into the briefing room, followed by Tony dressed in a Santa costume carrying a sack of presents.
"And Santa's even taken time out of his busy schedule to come and visit us!" said Nate.
"Oh, how nice of him…" Smithy remarked dryly.
"Come on, Smithy, lighten up…" said Mel.
"It is Christmas, after all…" Leon said, agreeing with Mel.
"I know…" Smithy rolled his eyes. Why are they so excited?, Smithy thought.
Tony sat down on a table, depositing the sack on a chair next to him. "Shall we get on?" he asked. Everyone nodded and sat down.
Tony took a present out of the sack. "Right," he said, "this first one's for you, Leon…" He handed the present to Leon, who ripped it open, looked at the gift and the piece of paper which said who it was from and grinned.
"Thanks, Nate!" he said, holding up the remote controlled car that he had been given.
"No problem, mate!" Nate replied.
Tony took another present out. "This one's yours, Mel…" he said, as he passed her the present, which she promptly opened. She started laughing, before holding it up so everyone else could see.
"Cheers, Callum… It's… just what I… needed…" she laughed as everyone else also burst out laughing as they saw the assorted and random sticks and pebbles that Mel had been given.
Only Rachel didn't understand. "I don't get it…"
"Long story… and that's ok, Mel!" said Callum.
When everyone had recovered, Tony pulled out a third present. "Smithy, it's for you!" he said, as he threw it to the sergeant, who caught it before it hit Millie on the head. "Nice catch…" said Tony.
"Bad throw…" replied Smithy, without missing a beat. He tore the wrapping paper off before looking at the gift – a blue glow cube – and who it was from.
"Thanks, Beth…" he said, acknowledging the piece of paper. But then he saw another piece of paper in the wrapping. He picked it up. What's this?, he wondered.
The piece of paper just said 'Look up' in black ink, which was slightly suspicious. Smithy, however, knew what was coming, but he looked up anyway and found himself sat under some mistletoe. Again. Not again…, he thought. He looked around, where everybody else was looking at him with evil looks on their faces.
"Oh no…" he said, not liking the looks everyone was giving him. He stood up and tried to edge his way out of the briefing room.
"Get him!" yelled Ben and Diane at the same time, and everyone stood up and ran after Smithy, who had already sprinted out of the room.