A/N: This is my first Twilight fic, so I'm sorry if it's not very good. It's a little slap dash but the thought popped into my head and I just began typing.
Do what I have to do.
Summery: My take on how Bella realised she doesn't like music anymore. Set in 'New Moon' during her zombie phase.
It had started the same as every other day. I had woken up, Gone to school and come home again. Pretty basic really. Of course I couldn't give you any details in between these 3 points of reference that had shaped the average Wednesday in Forks. To be honest unless I looked down and studied it, I wouldn't of been able to tell you what I was wearing. This wasn't new, it had been happening since… well since September. It was like I had tunnel vision and I couldn't really see small details. I could put one foot in front of the other but I didn't know my destination until I arrived. It was as if my mind was on autopilot and for that I was grateful. I didn't want to have to think because I would think about the wrong things and I couldn't afford to lose grip of what little reality I was clinging to.
When Charlie had arrived home from work, everything shifted.
"Hey Bells." He had murmured and I faintly noticed his tone. It was wary. I glanced up to his face and caught him scrutinizing me, like I was an escaped animal from the Zoo and he was in charge of capturing me. "How was your day?" He added, still watching me.
"Non-descript." I answered. It was true, I didn't see the point in lying to him. All my days were non-descript. Empty.
Charlie was still watching me and I realised he was hesitating. He had more to say but he appeared to be afraid to say it. I looked back down to the homework I had been doing before he had come in, and instantly forgot he was there. It was as if he ceased to exist because my focus wasn't on him. As if I never existed. I flinched as a velvety voice from my past echoed in my head and I hastily wrapped my arm around my torso to keep it for crumbling from the force of the forbidden memory.
"Bells, your Mom and I have decided you should move to Jacksonville and live with her. Your not coping and-" Charlie had tried to say with authority. I heard the fear though, he didn't want me to go as much as I didn't want to leave. That didn't stop me from blowing up though.
"No! No! I'm not going anywhere!" I had yelled. I was faintly aware that I was standing.
"Bells it's for the best."
"No! I'm not leaving, you can't make me leave. I'm not going!" I continued to yell, knowing how childish I sounded but I couldn't leave! It was out of the question.
I found myself seated in my truck without the faintest idea of how I got there. Charlie was yelling from the porch for me to get back inside but I wanted to drive. I wanted to be alone.
Revving the engine to life and ignoring my dad running down the steps of the porch towards me, I raced out of the drive and headed for the freeway.
I didn't realise I was crying until I couldn't see the road in front of me. Pulling over before I could get myself killed, I shut the engine off and sat in the silent cab. The tears that fell were hot and seemed to burn a trail down my cheeks. Everything felt hot to me lately, I was always so cold now. Crying was pointless though, I never felt any better after, I just felt more hollow.
Charlie was right and I knew it. I wasn't coping. My body felt as though it was missing something vital and I was slowly dying because of it. It was like I was grieving but nobody had died.
I felt myself shaking as I sobbed noisily. I usually reserved this kind of behaviour for my bedroom, I had spent many a night in my bed crying myself into a nightmare filled sleep, and I wasn't sure if I would recover enough to drive back home again. I thought of Charlie driving around in his cruiser looking for me. I was doing exactly what he had accused me of, not coping.
I let my head fall to the steering wheel and closed my eyes.
Edwards face appeared and I felt myself smile slightly through the sobs. I let myself imagine his voice, uncaring that I would pay for it later. I imagined him whispering Romeos lines to me, as he had done on our last normal day together. Before everything had changed. I imagined his arms wrapped around me and his breath ghosting across my neck. For a moment I felt peaceful.
Suddenly without my permission, Edwards voice changed. It was hard and hollow "I'm no good for you, Bella" he said and pain stabbed through me as the image of him in the forest swirled around my head.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." He said perfectly clear and without a trace of lie in his tone.
"Stop!" I whimpered wrapping my arm around my chest as my heart squeezed painfully tight. I clamped my eyes shut to try and block him but he continued anyway "You're not good for me, Bella."
"Stop, please!" I whispered, slamming my hands over my ears "Please."
"I won't come back…", "It will be as if I'd never existed" His smooth voice was kicking chunks out of my already feeble heart and I cried out in the agony of it. I was stupid, I knew this would happen as soon as I had thought his name and now I was paying.
With shaking hands I reached for the stereo, turning on a random station and turning it up to full volume in an attempt to block out Edwards lovely but dangerously agonizing voice.
I jumped as the sudden sound of drums and guitars shook the cab but for the moment it seemed to work. There wasn't enough room in my head for the noise and Edward. He had been silenced…for now.
As the music blared on around me, I had a chance to breathe. I took deep gulping breaths as though I were a drowning person who had managed to reach the surface. My chest felt as though it had been ripped open and I clutched at it to try and keep it intact.
My breathing faltered as the song ended and was replaced by the sound of a piano and I was momentarily thrown back in time, watching Edward playing my lullaby. This melody however was more melancholy, mournful almost. I wanted to change the station but I couldn't seem to be able to move and it filled the cab and my ears without my consent.
"What ravages of spirit,
conjured this temptuous rage.
Created you a monster,
broken by the rules of love.
And fate has lead you through it,
You do what you have to do.
And fate has led you through it,
You do what you have to do …
And I have the sense to recognize that,
I don't know how to let you go."
I stared out of the windshield as I listened. My mind was telling me that I should shut the damn song off but I couldn't. My body was forcing me to listen, this was my punishment for thinking of Edward. I'd have to endure it.
"Every moment marked,
with apparitions of your soul.
I'm ever swiftly moving,
Trying to escape this desire.
The yearning to be near you,
I do what I have to do.
The yearning to be near you,
I do what I have to do.
But I have the sense to recognize,
That I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go.
A glowing ember,
Burning hot and burning slow.
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing,
For only you.
I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do.
I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do.
And I have sense to recognize but,
I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go."
As soon as it was over I was released from the frozen state I had found myself in. A surge of anger washed over me as I realised how true the words were. It was as if my pain and misery had been made into this agonizingly beautiful song. The image of Edward once again playing the piano flooded my memory and I flipped.
I launched myself at the stereo and began clawing at it. I was uncaring that it was screwed into the dashboard, uncaring that I was practically ripping my nails off and they were slowly beginning to bleed. I had to get the stereo out. I had to be rid of it because it represented everything I hated in that very moment. I hated music, I hated the Cullens and I hated Edward.
With every piece of plastic that snapped and every wire that became exposed, I felt a stab of satisfaction. As I finally managed to wrench the mangled piece of technology from its place I cried out in relief. As I gazed at the gaping hole in my dashboard I felt an odd sense of peace. How alike we were now.
The peace didn't last as I was once again assaulted by a fresh wave of sobs.
Of course I didn't hate Edward, I loved him. That was the problem. Clutching the battered stereo to my battered chest, I slumped over the steering wheel again. The ever present pain sliced through me as I shook violently and the image of him still clouded my thoughts. I knew I couldn't keep this up, I couldn't break down like this. I had to stop thinking about him and I had to avoid anything that reminded me of him at all costs. I couldn't be with Edward, he had made it quite clear how he felt about me and I had to accept that. I shuddered at the thought, knowing it would be a cold day in Hell when that happened.
I threw what was left of the once top of the range stereo under the passenger seat and swiped at my eyes, brushing away the tears that still fell from them. I blinked as I glanced at my reflection in my rear view mirror. I looked awful but that wasn't new. My eyes were red and puffy but Charlie was used to this by now and wouldn't comment on it. I started the engine up and began to return to Forks.
On my way I decided that things had to change and they had to change straight away. I'd do whatever it took in order to get through each day. And with that thought I felt myself being surrounded by numbness, as though a protective shield was being erected around me.
As I sank into an unfeeling abyss that I hoped I wouldn't resurface from, I kept one thought at the front of my mind blocking anything else that may try to fight its way forward. 'I'll do what I have to do.'
***
The song, if anyone is interested, is 'Do what I have to do' By the amazing Sarah McLachlan. I listened to it a lot when my 'Edward' abandoned me and I felt it was completely perfect for Bella. I will leave a link to the song on my profile, you should definetly check it out. Thanks for reading x