AN: crack fic, I know, but I couldn't resist!
Petunia was humming to herself as she chopped carrots. Her Diddykins was at the drill bit company Vernon worked for with his father. They would be home in about an hour and she wanted everything to be perfect for the two men in her boys. She was preparing a hearty stew. It was Vernon's favorite and the chilling weather called for something warming in the stomach.
Beside her, was her no good nephew, Harry Potter. He was two years old and was a complete nuisance. If it were up to her, the boy would be in an orphanage already, but some thing kept her from plopping the toddler on someone else's doorstep. He was the only thing she had left after her sister was killed.
A pang of sadness fell upon the housewife, but she quickly brushed the feeling away. It was her sister's own fault she got herself blown up. She should have been more careful, like herself. Petunia was extremely careful. No one could ever come and threaten her family and she did have her fair share of enemies around. Still, they looked for her in other places. Never in Surrey. In Surrey, she was just Petunia Dursley: mother, loyal wife, and first prize treacle tart winner. Her home life was perfect, not even Potter could ruin it.
Then, the phone rang. Petunia, still humming, went to answer. It was most likely Mrs. Figg, inviting Harry over to play in her yard again. She wasn't sure why the hag took interest in the boy, but it did get him out of her hair for a few hours and he did sleep for a couple of hours afterwards.
"Hello?" Petunia greeted.
"They've found you," A deep, obviously disguised, voice said. There was a click and Petunia was left in a stunned silence. The irony behind it all was almost too cruel. Seconds ago she was thinking how safe she was only to be told that she wasn't.
She had to act and fast. She first ran into the kitchen and put her simmering pot to boil. This would come in handy later. She then grabbed all the knives in the drawers and hid them in places that she didn't think anyone would look for them.
Harry looked up from his coloring. He knew better than to say anything to his Aunty while she was doing something. It only made her mad. Since she looked more busy than normal, he grabbed the stuffed sock with a smiling face drawn on it and went beck to his clubhouse under the stairs. His relatives didn't care he spent a lot of time in the cupboard under the stairs. They even let him spend the night there!
Having seen Harry disappear under the stairs, Petunia focused more on preparing for the invasion that was bound to happen. Unlike her sister, she won't die and leave her son all alone without a mother.
In the backyard, she saw a tree move. The leaves couldn't hide the figure the was hiding in it. Petunia's eyes were trained to see what normal people couldn't. She was an elite assassin trained by the government after all.
With a quick glance at the clock, Petunia had to time her home invasion perfectly. She had forty minutes to get rid of the pests that were going to crash into her home– a window shattered upstairs– scratch, had crashed into her home, clean up the mess and finish making dinner by the time Vernon and Dudley returned home.
At the sound of the glass breaking, Harry poked his head out of his clubhouse. "Aunty, what was that?"
"Nothing," Petunia grumbled, pushing the cupboard door shut, sliding the lock over. She clicked a new round into her AK47, a home weapon of choice, and marched up the stairs to meet her intruders.
The turmoil almost the instant Petunia stepped onto the second floor landing. She threw her back to the wall, narrowly dodging the silent bullets that flew past her. She retaliated with a shower of bullets of her own. Like her attackers, her gun had a muffler on it, rendering her shots completely silent. The mysterious figure dove into Dudley's spare bedroom. Seeing the opportunity, Petunia barreled down the hall and cornered the intruder.
Everything seemed to be in slow motion after that. Petunia fired two shots at the intruder int eh pointed areas that guaranteed a kill. The intruder fell to the ground, dead already. Setting the gun aside, Mrs. Dursley set about dispose of the body. she used her extra strength garbage sacks to enclose the dead, man, now that she had a closer look at the bloke. She dragged him down the stairs and lugged him into the trunk of the van in the garage.
After the body was ready for transport, Petunia went about restoring her house to its normal, perfect, nothing out of the ordinary state. She grabbed Harry from the cupboard who was crying because he was stuck in the cupboard under the stairs.
"We're going out for ice cream," she said hastily shoving her nephew into his car seat (that used to be Dudley's). Harry eventually quieted down when he realized that his aunt was actually taking him for ice cream.
"Can I have chocolate chip?" Harry asked. Even though he only two, he knew when his aunt was being to nice to be true. He had to test her proposal.
"Yes, you can have it in a cone too, as long as you do two things for me."
"What?"
"This whole car ride we're taking remains our little secret. You will not say a word of this to ANYONE. And, you don't drip on the seat," Petunia snapped. She swerved into an alleyway and slammed on the brakes by a dingy looking door.
Harry looked out the window in amazement. If it meant ice cream, he would have a secret with his aunt. "Okay, Auntie, I promise!"
"Good answer," Petunia put the car in park and went around to the trunk with a little note in her hand. Harry craned his neck to see what Aunt Petunia was up to but only saw her pulling out a long piece of trash out of the back. He then swivelled around to see her drop the trash in front of the dingy door with a small note attached. She hopped into the driver's seat and sped down the remaining alleyway.
On the way home, Petunia stopped by a pizzeria and an ice cream parlor. She had her family safe, dinner done and showed her sister how to keep a family safe. Not that it mattered, because Lily couldn't have a re-do. Still, the victory was sweet.
AN: that's all folks! Don't own anything. Well, maybe the attacker because it is my imagination that created him. Tell me what you think!