Disclaimer: We don't own any Harry Potter or Harry Potter related copyrights.
~*~*~*~
It was the first Order meeting of the New Year, and not all the Order members were completely comfortable: Lily Potter and Alice Longbottom had given birth a couple months ago and were still breast feeding, Molly Weasley, the Prewett brothers' sister was pregnant with her seventh child, while the other six amused themselves- the oldest two were running around the table, the third oldest had a book and was reading it under the table, the twins had stolen a wand from somewhere and were poking around the room at people and things, while the youngest so far was sitting in Molly's lap making animal sounds.
"I'm sorry," Kingsley interrupted the report Gideon and Fabian Prewett were giving, "but I'm not really comfortable with the two of you breast feeding your babies in the middle of an Order meeting."
"Well, what do you expect us to do Kingsley? Our babies need to eat," Lily said, readjusting the blanket that covered her son Harry from sight as he suckled, but it did nothing to cover the little sounds he made.
"Well, can't you find a babysitter for nights like these or something?" he asked helplessly.
"Oh yes, Kingsley," Alice said grumpily, "Who do you suggest? Everyone we know is in the Order!"
"Alright everybody! We have a new mission: find some way to keep the children safe, but out of order meetings so that Kingsley here isn't uncomfortable," Dumbledore said from the head of the table. At this Kingsley sunk into his seat.
"What if we had a daycare kind of thing for during the meetings?" suggested Frank, suddenly interrupting the silence that had descended while some members actually tried to think of a solution and others just pretended.
"I am not leaving my baby with a stranger for a few hours all the time!" protested the sleep deprived Alice in an overly loud voice.
"What if we took turns watching the children?" said Remus trying to mollify Alice, whose shrill voice was intensely offending his eardrums since he was sitting right next to her.
"Yeah," added Frank. "They could all just be in another room. Then they wouldn't be bored and no one would be distracted by them."
"I like that idea Frank. Nose goes!" Lily said quickly putting a finger on her nose. James, who could nearly read his wife's mind at this point, hastily followed suit because he knew exactly where she was going with this.
The rest of the Order quickly caught on, except poor Remus and Sirius who were currently being assaulted by those the group was seeking to ostracize. Under the table, Bill and Charlie were each grabbing on to a leg of Remus's trousers and pulling, seeking to get his attention because they knew he was the keeper of the sacred chocolate. Fred and George had tripped over Sirius's clunky biker boots while on their travels under the table and were now seeking revenge; Fred, who was now in the possession of the wand, was angrily stabbing the offensive boot while George was doing his part by chewing on the straps and drooling everywhere. So by the time Sirius had emerged from under the table holding a flailing and shouting Weasley twin under each arm, and Remus had the oldest two sitting contently in his lap with chocolate melting in their hands and being smeared all over their faces, the rest of the Order was grinning at them, fingers posed triumphantly upon their noses.
Dumbledore, looking peaceful and calm as always, his long finger perched upon his crooked nose in a silly fashion, stated, "Brilliant! Thank you for volunteering! Sirius and Remus, you two shall be the first official Order of the Phoenix Babysitters!"
"Aw crap," cursed Sirius mildly.
"Aw crap," echoed the twins.
"Sirius Black!" screeched Molly as the twins kept repeating "crap" in their three year old way.
"Sorry Molly," Sirius grumbled, placing Fred and George down and taking Harry from Lily, while Remus helped Bill and Charlie slide from his lap and gathered both Ron and Neville into his arms, and herding the other children who were capable of walking in front of him and into the other room.
As Sirius and Remus left Dumbledore's dining room, the room that served as the Order's temporary headquarters, the meeting began again as the Prewett brothers picked up where they left off.
The room that Sirius and Remus designated as the "Official Order of the Phoenix Babysitting Room" was, awkwardly enough, Dumbledore's own bedroom, as a slight revenge for "volunteering them." The walls of the room were papered in a garish shade of chartreuse while the carpet and matching bedspread were puce. The window coverings, however, were purple with green squirrels and orange polka dots. Both Remus and Sirius winced when they were exposed to the awful coloring of their headmaster's bedroom. Neville, who was considered to be accustomed to such displays of crude decoration since he often visited his grandmother's house, actually burst into tears as he was carried into the room.
Bill and Charlie immediately ran up to the bed and began jumping on it, finding it to be extra bouncy. Percy found a comfy chair near the window and settled into it with his book. The twins immediately scampered off to the closet and hid among the brightly colored robes. Sirius put Harry on the floor and pulled out his wand to start baby proofing, but he didn't know where to start, so he turned to Remus who had placed Ron on the floor next to Harry and was currently trying to sooth Neville's crying.
Sirius tried to recall what his best mate James had done before Harry's arrival, but soon realized that he had been paying more attention to the pictures of the Holyhead Harpies in the magazine he had nicked from James's secret stash and didn't remember any of the precautions James had been instructed to take.
"Well you're bloody useless!" Remus yelled over Neville's incessant shouts. "Do something!"
"I can't think over all this bloody crying!" Sirius shouted as Fred and George emerged from the closet and renewed their attack on his precious boots and Charlie and Bill ran in circles around him as they chased each other.
"Then stop the crying!" yelled Remus, the sensible one.
"How?!"
"Think of something!"
"I can't!"
"Try!"
"Okay! I got it!" Sirius shouted as he was suddenly inspired. He waved his wand and a kitten appeared on Neville's head.
"You really think this is going to…" Remus trailed off as Neville actually stopped crying and the kitten slid down and cuddled against his chest.
The rest of the children paused and looked at the cat in reverent worship for a moment before they rushed Remus to try and touch the newcomer.
"Sirius!" bellowed Remus as he nearly lost his balance and almost squashed Ron.
"Everybody loves kittens," was Sirius' only remark.
Remus carefully took the kitten and placed Neville on the ground; the children watched in excitement as the kitten came almost within reach. Remus straightened and looked down at his new charges.
"Alright boys," he said sternly, "this kitten is very breakable and you have to all be very careful with it, okay?"
"What's 'breakable' mean?" Fred or George asked.
"Well, when Ron was born, did your mummy ever tell you that you had to be very careful around him, or he could get hurt?" Remus asked. The twins nodded.
"This kitten is like Ron was, okay?" All of the children nodded, the younger ones nodded mostly because the older ones were. Remus lowered the kitten within reach and Charlie quickly snatched it from him. The children clamored around him and left Sirius and Remus standing just inside the door to Dumbledore's bedroom, staring after them in silence.
"It's quiet," Remus said disbelievingly after a moment. "I can't believe that actually worked…"
"Told ya! Everybody loves kittens!" Sirius said, right before there was a loud, angry hiss and Charlie started crying.
Percy looked up from his picture book, saw the bloody scratches on his older brother's cheek and yelled, "Blood! Not funny! Blood! Mummy! Blood! Blood on his face! Blood!"
Sirius, who was actually a bit squeamish around blood, despite the fact that he was an auror and frequently ran around with a violent werewolf, turned to Remus and shouted, "Blood! Blood on his face!"
Remus wiped the copious globs of spit off of his face and said, very slowly and calmly, "Sirius why don't you and Percy go bond over in the closet, which is now the designated 'Offical Order of the Phoenix Babysitting Room Blood-Free Zone.' Meanwhile I will take care of the other ninety children and clean up the bleeding one."
Sirius nodded shakily while hyperventilating slightly. He grabbed Percy who was now hyperventilating himself, and shut them in Dumbledore's closet.
"Alright, Charlie come here," Remus said, crouching down to the child's level, "Let's see those scratches, yeah?" Charlie approached Remus, his eyes red from crying. Remus quickly healed his face with a wave of his wand.
"All better?" Remus asked. Charlie nodded, still sniffling slightly.
Once Remus was done with Charlie he looked up and found chaos. Fred had pulled Bill's hair, which he insisted on keeping long, sparking a fight between them. George, loyal to his twin, had of course jumped in to help Fred fight off the older boy. Harry had crawled over to the floor length curtains and begun chewing on them. Ron, who also thought the curtains might be tasty had followed Harry and then tried to rip them out of the younger boy's gummy mouth. Harry, a scrappy fighter like his father and uncles, had bitten Ron with his three teeth in retaliation. Remus sighed. Then he addressed the ceiling saying, "Why couldn't they all have had girls?!"
Remus first walked over to the brawling trio in the middle of the floor. He reached down and plucked one of the boys up by the scruff of the neck and then grabbed another with his other hand. The two in his hands stopped flailing randomly and began aiming their punches at each other. Remus separated them as far as he could and then their blows began landing on him. Their fists were tiny and ineffectual, but the punches were a bit annoying.
"Stop!" he bellowed. He didn't think that would work, but it actually did, until the twins in his hands began crying. Bill smirked triumphantly from the floor for a moment, before his better big brother instincts kicked in.
"Put them on the bed," he requested as he climbed up there himself.
Remus sighed, acknowledged the fact that he was taking orders from an eight year old and did as he was asked. Bill began telling the twins a story his uncles had told him about battling dragons and breaking into Gringotts vaults. They quieted and listened attentively. Bill winked at Remus and continued on with his story.
Remus sighed again and turned his attention to the squabbling toddlers. He was afraid that they would bring the curtains down upon themselves because they were tugging quite vigorously. Remus's fears were realized as the atrocious drapery fell upon the boys. Luckily neither was hit by the metal rod, but both instantly started crying as they were suddenly plunged into darkness.
"Remus!" he heard Sirius call from the closet, "Is it safe to come out? Is the blood gone?"
Remus sighed, and uncovered the crying boys, "No Sirius, you just stay in there where it's safe."
"'Kay," Sirius said.
Remus fixed the curtain rod with a wave of his wand, and moved Harry and Ron away from the window. He then conjured them some toys that would keep them occupied for a while. He turned around and found that Charlie had climbed up onto the bed with his brothers as well. Looking around, he found that peace had been restored and turned toward the closet.
"Okay Sirius, you and Percy can come out now," he said. The closet door opened slowly and two faces peeked around the frame and into the room. Taking in the calm atmosphere of the room, Sirius emerged with Percy in his arms.
"Oh good. Way to go Remus, you got them to be quiet," Sirius praised him, setting Percy back into his chair with his picture book. Sirius looked around.
"Um, Moony?"
"What is it Sirius?" Remus asked tiredly.
"Weren't there more children?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Aren't there supposed to be more children than this? Like there seems to be enough gingers and even if there aren't I'm sure Arthur and Molly wouldn't mind not having to feed all of them. But I thought there were more… other ones. James has a kid- check- and then there's another one who has a kid…"
"Alice!" cried Remus, remembering the woman who had been sitting next to him with a baby on her lap only ten minutes earlier.
"That's the one!" cried Sirius unconcernedly. "Where's Neville?"
"That's an excellent question," said Remus as the severity of the situation hadn't yet dawned on him.
"Perhaps under the bed?" said Sirius, who also hadn't allowed himself to face reality yet. Alice seemed like a nice person most of the time, but Neville still wasn't sleeping through the nights and his sleep-deprived mother was on the warpath 100% of the time. No one wanted to go up against one of Moody's favorite aurors when she was fully armed and sleep-deprived when they were telling her that her only and favorite child was missing.
"Let's look, shall we?" Remus and Sirius each approached a side of the bed and pulled up the puce dust ruffle. They peered under the bed and found a banana that was covered in moldy tomato sauce, one slipper that seemed to be chewed, a dozen half-eaten sugar quills, rolls of parchment that seemed to be from several centuries ago, a newspaper with the headline "Grindelwald defeated!," a powder blue chapeaux, and a garbage disposal.
"That's a mess!" declared Sirius.
"Ladies and gentlemen what we have here is a classic example of the pot calling the kettle black. Padfoot, you can't even see all of the stuff that is under your bed because there's too much stuff!"
"But the stuff under my bed doesn't span decades," retorted Sirius as he gestured to the newspaper.
"We still haven't found the baby," Remus pointed out.
"Right," said Sirius as he pulled his head out from under the bed and stood up. "Well he isn't in the closet."
"And he obviously isn't under the bed, which means he isn't in this room because there's nowhere else to hide," Remus said reasonably.
"Nu uh, have you looked behind the curtains?" Sirius asked.
"Sirius, the curtains don't even go all the way to the floor, we would be able to see at least a little bit of him if he was back there," Remus said.
"There's a bookcase; did you look there?" Sirius suggested. They both turned to look at the overflowing bookcase.
"There's no room for another book on that bookshelf, never mind a baby."
"Well, what about under the telescope?" Sirius said.
"Pads, nothing can hide under a telescope," Remus said, shaking his head.
"Did you look in that large pile of lemon drops in the corner there?"
"No Pads, I didn't," Remus sighed, levitating the lemon drops and revealing… floor.
"Well, then I have no idea where this kid could be. We're dead aren't we?" Sirius asked.
"Why, yes Padfoot, I believe we are…"
"Oh look, the door's open…" Sirius commented.
"What?!" Remus cried, spinning about to face the open doorway.
"Do you think he could have gone out there?" Sirius mused.
"Well, if he isn't in here, that would be my guess," Remus said. He grabbed hold of Sirius's jacket and instructed Bill to watch the other children. Remus continued to drag Sirius out the door, making sure to close the door behind them.
They quietly sneaked past the dining room door and made it into the kitchen undetected.
"Now, if I were a baby, where would I be?" Sirius mused, turning in circles and looking around the room.
"You would probably be sitting on the roof you crazy ass madman! I don't want to know where you would be; I want to know where Neville is!" Remus shouted.
"Open the pot," said Sirius gesturing to the large saucepot on the floor.
Remus did and found… the kitten. "Why is the kitten in the pot?! How did the kitten get in the pot?!"
"How does anyone get in a pot?" asked Sirius philosophically.
"Sirius! Find the baby!"
"I know how to attract him! It's just like the time Prongs and I were hunting ducklings."
"When were you hunting ducklings?"
"Last summer."
"Why were you hunting ducklings?"
"To decorate Harry's nursery."
"Wouldn't you use paper ducklings?"
"Don't ask me! Lily was pregnant and crazy at the time! We just did what the crazy lady told us to do!"
"Well get on with it," Remus sighed, hoping that Sirius's nonsense would keep him occupied while he thought up a real strategy.
Sirius waved his wand around his head three times and then tapped his nose and drew a line down his body to his big toe on his left foot. Remus blinked and suddenly his best mate was replaced by the ugliest woman he had ever seen (mostly because she looked a lot like Sirius and not so much like a woman… except for the very obvious breasts), and that included that hag he saw that one time in the Leaky Cauldron.
"Now what is your plan again?" Remus asked cautiously.
"Simple! Ducklings are attracted to a mother duck and babies are attracted to women!"
"So are you a duck…?"
"No a woman!"
"Sirius, you are one sexy woman," said Remus sarcastically as he started opening cabinets.
Meanwhile Sirius stood in the center of the kitchen, arms outstretched as if to emphasize his presence. The babies did not flock to him.
Remus, as he crawled on the floor checking under the table and chairs, asked, "Now did that strategy work with the ducks?"
Sirius scratched his head and said, "Now that I think of it, that might have been a dream…"
"Then start helping me!" bellowed Remus.
"No need to get testy," said Sirius as he opened the cabinet under the sink. "Hey look it's a baby!"
"Where?!"
"Here, under the sink, chewing on an empty bottle of cleaning potion…" said Sirius slowly as he extracted Neville from the cabinet.
"What?!" exclaimed Remus.
"Do you think he drank it?" asked Sirius as he glanced from the seemingly happy and healthy baby in his arms to his best mate.
"Why would Dumbledore keep an empty bottle of cleaning potion in his cabinet?" asked Remus, borderline hysterically. Neither of them were experts on poisoning and the closest person they knew who was trained to respond to this sort of situation was Lily, Alice's best friend and also a new mother who was sure to overreact.
"Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap," sang Remus under his breath as he circled around Sirius, peering at Neville closely.
Neville hiccupped and Remus had heart palpitations; Sirius nearly dropped the kid. At this moment, the parents and other Order members began filing into the kitchen to get the snacks that had been prepared by Dorcas.
Dorcas, who had been leading the charge, stopped dead in her tracks when she saw her ex-boyfriend dressed like a female of some sort.
"Ummm… what's going on?" asked Dorcas meekly.
"Oh, hey guys…" Remus said just as weakly. "This isn't what it looks like."
"Honestly, I… I don't know what to, uh, what to call this. Guys, this is a whole new level of weird that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. At least it's not my son… Sorry Frank…" James said.
"Yeah…" Frank said slowly, rubbing his neck.
"Give me my baby!" Alice said, hurrying forward and snatching her son from Sirius's grasp.
"Where are the rest of them? And why are you out here?" James asked, now slightly concerned about his own son.
"Er, well, you see…." Remus trailed off. Both Remus and Sirius kept glancing surreptitiously at the empty cleaning potion bottle. Marlene was able to put two and two together because of the drool covered bottle and terrified looking Marauders. She went and picked it up,
"This has been empty for a very long time, from the looks of it," she said, causing Remus and Sirius to sigh in relief, and everyone else to look at her like she was crazy.
"That's because I don't clean!" Dumbledore announced. Silence followed.
"Awkward…" Peter muttered from the back of the crowd.
"Anyway," Lily declared, "Where's my baby?"
"Oh yes! Right! In here…" Remus and Sirius lead the crowd to Dumbledore's bedroom. They opened the door to reveal the eldest Weasley boys curled up on the bed asleep, and Ron asleep amongst the toys.
"Aw, aren't they precious?" cooed Molly.
"Sirius, Remus," Lily said slowly. "Where is Harry?"
"Umm…." They stuttered.
"You lost my son?! My son?! Seriously?" James exclaimed. "I mean I can understand losing Frank's son, but my son? After all I've done for you?!"
Remus and Sirius groaned and fell to the ground, covering their faces to ward off the inevitable attack from irate new mothers and their best mate.
Sirius peeked between his fingers under the bed; "Harry! I found him!" He grabbed Harry and pulled him out from under the bed. With the boy came the newspaper with the article about Grindelwald. Dumbledore saw it and snatched it away quickly, tucking into his robes looking about shiftily. "See he's perfectly fine!"
"Fine?" screeched Lily reaching a decimal only new mothers were privy to. "Sirius! He has a beard!"
"It's only dust bunny fuzz," said James soothingly as he wiped his son's chin off and picked the baby up. "Apparently Albus meant what he said when he said he didn't clean," he whispered to her as he handed Harry to her so she could be sure he was safe.
"I think it's about time everyone went home," announced Arthur as he gently woke Bill and Charlie and grabbed the twins. Molly scooped Ron up and slowly shook Percy awake.
"I'll say," said Alice. "I'm taking Neville home before he really is lost or drinks cleaning potions!" She elbowed her way through the crowd and was gone before anyone knew what was going on.
"Really mates, I don't know how to thank you," said Frank sarcastically as he gave Remus and Sirius each a kick for good measure. "She has been in a right state since Neville was born and now you have gone and riled her up. Thanks so much."
"Good luck to you Frank," said James as he clapped Frank on the shoulder as he went by to follow Alice.
"Thanks James," said Frank dully.
"I think we'll head out too," said Lily as she summoned their things and put Harry into his winter apparel.
Almost everyone filed out of the room, leaving Remus and Sirius still lying on the floor. James squatted down between the two of them and got right up into their faces. "If you even almost lose my son again I will personally castrate you both and then let Lily have her way with you."
Sirius and Remus groaned.
James grinned in a predator-like way and said cheerfully, "Glad we understand each other. Enjoy the rest of your evening."
Then he too was gone. Remus looked over at Sirius and said, "I am never having children."
"Screw that," replied Sirius. "I'm not even ever getting married!"
"So you'll be a bachelor forever like Dumbledore?"
"No way! I would never have curtains this hideous in my bedroom!"
~*~*~*~
A/N. Hoped you enjoyed this little bit of silliness! Please review!
P.S. This was a challenge we gave ourselves. In case you were interested these were the people, places, quotations, and things we challenged ourselves to include in one story:
People
Kingsley Shacklebolt, Albus Dumbledore, Sirius, Remus, Neville and Frank Longbottom, Marlene McKinnon, DorcasMeadowes, Gideon and Fabian Prewett
Places
Dumbledore's Kitchen
Quotations
"Open the pot." "That's a mess." "Sirius you are a sexy woman."
Things
Kitten, garbage disposal, tomato sauce, purple curtains with green squirrels and orange polka dots