Startling Realisations

I feel his gaze on me as I stand at the nurses station checking my patients chart. I know its him, looking at me. And I tell myself not to look, because I know what I'll see and it will make a little bit more of my heart crumble. Don't look up I tell myself. I don't listen. I look. My eyes connects with his. And I feel it like a punch to the stomach, he tears his gaze from mine. And looks at the laughing woman next to him.

He chose her, and I see him look at her without the look that he has when he looks at me. She kisses him on the cheek and walks to the lifts. I look back at my chart. The words blurring, as tears feel my eyes. I know where he's walking. To me. And sure enough I raise my eyes and see him.

"I miss this." he states softly so no one can over hear.

I slam the chart closed. "Yeah well. You're married." I turn and walk away, his eyes burning into my back. And I turn and as I see the pain in his eyes he sees it in mine and we both reel from it.

I finally see it. In the look she sends me as my eyes meet hers after she walks away from me. I see the hurt. And in that one moment of clarity I understand. I realise what I have been doing to her everyday, and to myself. I nod at her, my resolution found. She looks at me confused before turning away and entering a patients room. I stare after her for a few moments before I turn and rush towards my office. I open the bottom draw and find the papers. I flick through and find the pages and sign. I sign my name and close the pack. I walk to the door, pen still in hand and go to the lifts. I punch in the floor number for where her case is. I walk into the room as she stares down at her patient. She hears the rustle of papers as I hold them out to her saying nothings. Her eyes widen and move up to lock on to mine. She reaches out and signs. I turn towards the door, I hear her voice and turn back.

"I'm sorry" she says.

"I know. It just. It would never be enough. I found Meredith. I'm sorry too." she nods acceptance knowing that I am resolute in my decision. I head back to the lifts and punch in another number. I walk towards the nurses station and see Bailey.

"Where's Meredith?" I ask. Bailey glares at me, looking me up and down, eyes resting on the papers in my hands before making a decision.

"Room 4312"

"Thanks." I nod and turn towards the room. I walk in, and see her leaning over her patient who is in a coma.

"I signed." my voice is loud in the silent room. She looks up startled at not hearing me enter. She follows my gaze to the papers in my hand.

"And.." she licks her lips, her voice dry. "Her?" she can't bring herself to say the name. I understand her pain. The same pain I felt when I had to say Marks name after finding him and Addison together.

"She signed."

Meredith nods. She looks back at her patient and jots another not down before returning her glance to me.

"I can't just forget."

"I know."

She nods. And walks towards the door where I'm standing.

"But I'll start trying." she says and kisses me on the cheek walking out of the room.

I stand there and looks at the heart rate monitor of the patient. The constant beeps steadying me.

She'll try. That's all I can hope for.

A/N: Short, I know, but this is what should have happened at the start of season two. He should have hesitated and chose Addison only to realise that seeing Meredith everyday he could never be happy without her. At least.. Thats what I think. Review if you like. Its a one shot deal.

Take Care