Birds and the Bees
"Noah Eli Puckerman!" came his wife's scream through the Upper East Side penthouse home they shared together with their family, Puck winced and looked up from his laptop in his upstairs study mentally going through everything he could have done that would warrant a Rachel Puckerman rant.
Yep he said Rachel Puckerman, in senior year he had finally got his act together, got rid of the hook ups and fully committed to a long term relationship with the girl he had been dreaming about since sophomore year, funny thing about being Rachel Berry's boyfriend? You don't have a choice in kicking butt in you SATs and class in general, getting a 1420 in SATs (ok she got 1600, perfect as usual) but still was enough to get him into Columbia business school, now he worked for some big hedge fund consulting on public relations and image, yep he didn't really know what that meant either.
But somewhere around working manic hours to finish his internship and Rachel working on her first Broadway play and barely seeing each other he knew that he couldn't handle losing her after four years of dating and he swallowed his fear of commitment and asked her to marry him. Sixteen years later they had four kids, all boys, and were living their dream in New York City, Rachel was a Broadway legend, he was consulting, Nate was 15, Seth and Aaron were 12 and Caleb was 9, he had the perfect life, but man his wife could yell!
"Yes Hunnie?" he called back hesitantly
"Get your butt down here!" She screamed through the penthouse, Puck following her orders quickly bolting down the wide staircase to the large kitchen which was the heart of their warm comfortable home.
Entering the kitchen he halted at the sight of his eldest son's sullen face, his arms crossed and his slouched position in his chair at the large wooden table, and then his wife's livid expression hands on her hips as she faced her son.
"What's going on?" he asked slowly moving halfway down the table until he could decide which side of the fight he was about to come down on.
"I found these in your son's room" Rachel said throwing down a pile of magazines that slid down the smooth wooden table, Playboy, Maxim and Esquire cover girls staring up at them all "on asking where he got them, do you know what he said?" she asked deceptively sneaky.
Puck blanched and looked at his son in panic before looking back at his wife "noooo"
"Yes you do" Rachel said snapped "don't lie, he found them in your desk drawer"
"Nathaniel Puckerman I told you to stay out of my office!" Puck protested lamely
"Yes because that is the point here " Rachel said arching her eyebrow as she sat down primly crossing her legs in front of her as she crossed her arms at the same time. Puck's eyes naturally slid down to run his eyes over her legs, because despite twenty years of being with the same women she was still hot as fuck.
"Right course not the problem is..."
"I don't see what the big deal is they are a just magazine's" Nate interrupted sullenly.
"Yes I did realise that they were magazines, well done Nathaniel" Rachel said scathingly making both men squirm uncomfortably in their seats, despite being outnumbered five to one Rachel was well and truly in charge of this family.
"Can I have a recap of exactly what is wrong?" Puck asked gently "that he found the magazines? That there were magazines in the first place?"
"The fact that there were magazines in the first place is something I will discuss with you later" Rachel said ominously, Puck gulping again at the imminent threat in his wife's tone.
"Ok so you're pissed that I found them?" Nate asked
"Language!" Rachel snapped her eyes flashing warningly "I am angry that you seem to be under the impression that you are all knowing in the art of sex and have the knowledge to use those magazines"
"Uh..."
"It is time for the talk" Rachel said resolutely, not in the least bit fazed that she had completely confused both her son and husband with her freak out about his lack of knowledge rather than him reading the magazines in general.
"The talk?" Nate scoffed "I know all about sex"
"Noah?" Rachel asked looking at her husband "does your son know about sex?"
"Fuck no!" Puck laughed at his sons angry face "dude you're a virgin, I know these things"
"And seeing as I do not wish of a repeat of the Fabray incident in my own family, Birds and the Bees Noah, now" Rachel ordered getting up "and then come upstairs" before leaving.
"Mom never makes sense does she?" Nate said as his mother left the room.
"Nope that's why I married her" Puck smiled "right Birds and the Bees" he mused sitting back and looking at the ceiling.
"Dad I know about the mechanics of sex, and what is a Fabray incident?"
"Uh, right well I got a girl pregnant in high school" Puck admitted unwillingly "which is why the mechanics of sex are one thing and the reality is very different"
"You got someone pregnant?" asked Nate in shock
"Yep my best friend's girl" Puck said wryly "your mom doesn't care about you reading the mags because she prefers that to you going out and having sex and doing a me"
"Fuck!" Nate said in shock "so Birds and Bees"
"Yep ok now sex... sex needs meaning for it to actually mean something, trust me on this one, because all the hook ups I had before your mom didn't mean anything afterwards"
"Don't really need to hear about you and mom and sex, kind of creepy"
"Yeah but the best sex I have ever had is with her, ok I get it, kind of creepy to think about this stuff but ok protection! Protection that is the thing I can talk to you about"
"Protection? Ok how much of this are you making up on the spot?"
"All of it" Puck shrugged "but protection is the best thing I can think of right now and obviously considering my legacy the most important"
"Ok so protection, what about it? You mean wear it? Because I already kind of guessed that"
"Yep but it is the most, most, most important thing in the world ever! One time does it, and never ever take 'Trust me' as birth control ok? Even if she says she is on birth control you cannot take it on faith, always have a condom on you"
"Shouldn't you be telling me not to have sex?"
"Hey you're my son, not happening" Puck shrugged "you follow after your old man, nothing to be ashamed off, just don't get a girl pregnant"
"Right, no getting girls pregnant" Nate said solemnly nodding "but I can keep the mags?"
"Yeah sure" Puck shrugged "just hide them better than me, and remember your mother takes after your grandmother, which means scary Jewish person who has a nose for finding things that you don't want her too"
"Right..." Nate said nodding in agreement and shuddering at the idea of his mom turning out like his Bubbie "but she won't start obsessing about grandkids will she?"
"No I think your safe, on the off chance I'll stock your bathroom with condoms though, just promise to always carry at least one with you"
"I will" Nate promised picking up the mags "shouldn't you go get your argument?"
"Yep" Puck said unwillingly getting to his feet "until then condoms are in second drawer of my desk, I know you know where"
Nate had the decency to blush and nod before running off upstairs, Puck going up the back staircase to the master suite, poking his head in to cage his wife's mood before he jumped into the fire.
"Why?" Rachel asked sadly as she saw his head
"Why what baby?"
"Why did you have the magazines? Aren't I enough anymore?" Rachel said gripping her pillow in sadness.
"Oh baby no" Puck said hurrying to her side "I confiscated them off Steve months ago, I forgot about them"
"Steve? Mike's son?"
"Yep, he was sneaking off to read them and I took them off him threw them in my drawer and forgot about them"
"Oh" Rachel squeaked "where are they now?"
"I let Nate keep them, should keep him busy until I can stock his bathroom with condoms"
"Of course, your birds and the bees talk is about just not getting a girl pregnant, oh I feel outnumbered" Rachel laughed "I want a girl"
"Let's work on that then" Puck smirked climbing over her "fifth time the charm and all"