The Ghost In The Fog

harper/justin

justin/juliet

i. i wept 'til tears crept back to prayer

When she dreams it's in heavy fog. There's the sound of her mother's voice, the shrill pang of fighting and an almost (almost she can remember when her family was whole and them and she could sleep without waking).

But her family's gone now, across states and hills and she's sleeping in a basement and she's still lost in a fog.

She takes up running and she plays her tapes of dogs, but it's not the fanged domestics she runs from, it's the almost.

Almost family and almost loved but never nearly whole.

Even after the embarrassment of lost trophies and not really good enoughs, she takes up quiet training.

She oils the beast and the machine and runs to forget.

But she never gets far enough to lose sight.

ii. with dreams unsaid and final words

A Sunday filled with dirty city rain and towering shadows that linger long past the setting sun, bring Justin to the basement.

"Why are you still running on that thing?"

She gulps down water and air and pushes her legs just that much further. "Maybe I wasn't good enough to win on my own last time, I just need the practice."

"Is that a dictionary you're reading?"

She blushed but looked ahead. "I want to learn how to spell."

"Training for another third grade spelling bee."

"This time I hope to remember how to spell sergeant."

"Magic isn't all that bad you know."

"I guess."

He sits on her bed and she keeps running. She tempted to laugh to fill the silence.

"Do you wish you had left with your parents?"

"Sometimes."

"Why do you always let Alex get away with stuff?"

"Why do you?"

"I don't know." She can feel his eyes but she refuses to look into them. She's over the hopefully maybe.

"I think, it's because I need the chaos. I need something to fill up the imbetween. I don't like the quiet, it leaves to much space for thinking."

"Yeah you never have to think when Alex is involved." She hears his grin and she let's her own fall on her lips.

"But really Harper, what's so bad that you can't stand the silence."

She runs harder and turns up the dogs

.

iii. and i broke under Christ seeking guilty signs

She leaves Justin a note on Thursday.

She bites her nails and hums something about work and play and the days that were better.

He shows up three hours later, his eyes wide and she feels silly and unsure like maybe nothings ever going to change at all.

"What is this?" The paper flutters to the table and she doesn't shudder.

"It's all the reported mummy sightings I could find." She wrings her fingers under the table. "Well the ones that sounded realistic. Alex should me how to use that wizard internet thingy."

"Why-"

"You love her."

She doesn't tell him she loves him.

"Thank you."

"Look you'll need help. You should ask Alex. You need someone who's good at thinking on their feet."

"You come."

She rolls her eyes. "Yeah what with my magical powers and stellar ability not to faint under pressure, how could you not do this with me."

"I want to do this with you."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

She folds the paper into a perfect square. "Okay. But you'll have to show me how."

She doesn't think she's just talking about search and rescue.

iv. putting reason to flight

They spend hours and days (months, sometimes between Alex and school and never sleeping it feels like years) narrowing down sightings and making wizard phone calls and she sets up a map with colorful pins (blue is where she could be and red is where she might have been, green is a no go and yellow is places she might go.)

It happens on a Friday and her skin feels slimy and maybe she hasn't showered or slept but they're so close.

"Greece."

Justin's red rimmed eyes slide to her.

She licks her lips and repeats. "Greece. There's been sightings there. And a new mummy exhibit's opened. It's got to be. I know."

"Then to Greece we go."

She shakes her head. "No. To Greece you go. My parents-"

"I can't go without you. I couldn't have gotten this far-"

"I know. But, don't you think this should be your moment. White knight. Shining horse." She rolls her tongue. "You know what I mean."

He grins and leans close enough that she can feel the eight day old stubble through her shirt.

"I need you, though."

She stretches out her toes. "My parents flew back in tonight. I have to at least see them. Eat dinner and make small talk."

"After."

She wants to say no. That she'd give him anything. But watching them find each other and fall into bliss will break her. And if he cared, he wouldn't ask.

If he cared, she thinks. "Sure. After." Because he doesn't, she reminds herself.

Three hours and a shower later she feels like maybe everything will work out fine.

Maybe her parents are better and maybe her life is going where she needs it to.

Maybe her Mom will pull her close like before and tell her she's beautiful and her Dad will make a silly joke about something and they'll laugh and she finally find her way home.

"Bye everyone. I'll be back in a couple of hours."

Justin's waiting at the door. "So, eight?"

"Yeah. Eight."

"Call if anything happens."

"Hey. Hey. What are you two whispering about over there?" Harper turns to stare at Alex and finds all the other Russo's looking long.

"We have a plan for a silent movie at eight tonight."

"You two aren't like dating or anything like that, right?" Jerry hands twitch at his side and years of being Alex's friend and months of sharing his roof have taught her that he's two seconds away from a full blown rant.

"No. Just friends. We're working on a project."

"About silent movies." Justin rushes.

"About mummies." She says.

She leaves before anyone can say anything else.

v. the breeze stank of sunset and camphor

Her Dad's grinding his teeth.

She sighs and giggles.

Her mother glares and Harper laughs.

"Harper really. My goodness. You haven't grown up at all."

She bites her lip to stop from making a sound. But she'd rather look silly laughing than look pathetic crying.

"What do you expect Samantha? She's your daughter through and through." He jabs his steak and Harper looks down to her half devoured chicken.

"Very nice, David. Wonderful. Insult me in public now."

"Why not, you're insulting me by being here. Shouldn't you be out spending money that I've earned, on shit for yourself."

"Why shouldn't I spend that money, I earned it by putting up with your horrible attitude."

"I won a marathon." She nearly shouts.

"Harper! You're father and I are talking."

"And really, you? You won a marathon. You don't look like you've lost weight or been training. And you ate that meal so fast you'd think you'd have a vacuum for a mouth."

She clamps her mouth shut and thinks she'll never find a way home.

vi. vows in fragrant blood

After dinner and inane laughter that she wishes she could take back she walks around the city.

It glows and calls to her and she's never away from noise. There's the honking horns and the shouting and the burn of incandesnt lights to keep her warm.

"Harper. God, I've been calling you and looking for you and I thought something horrible had happened and I went over to you're parents hotel and let me just say your dad? He's a jerk. And it's raining and you don't have a coat." He pulls her under his umbrella and she still doesn't shudder.

"God, I'm so sorry, Justin. I completely lost track of time." She looks down at her watch and sees it's nearly midnight. "We still have time though, we don't have school tomorrow. We can take the IPP and find her."

"Don't worry about it right now, what happened? Why are you wondering around New York at midnight."

"It's not quite midnight you know. We still have like fifteen minutes."

He rolls his eyes and she can see the lights reflect off the white in his eyes.

"Harper."

"I laugh in the silence."

"Yeah. I know."

"Because I can't stand thinking that this is all there is."

"All what is?"

"The fighting and the meanness. And never being good enough or pretty enough or enough of anything at all. I can't stand my mother's voice in the silence and my father's coldness. It wasn't always like that you know. When Peter was alive. God. It was great and my Dad always came home and my Mom was always happy and Peter and I got into adventures and my Dad would spin me in circles and call me Love and Princess and Baby. He told me I could be anything in the whole world and I believed him. I-" She can't tell if it's tears or the rain on her cheeks. She laughs instead. Pathetic or silly. Silly and Pathetic, she's always one and most of the time she's both. And she's tired and lonely and she wishes Peter was alive and her Mom was still here and her Dad didn't hate her for living and Peter for dying.

"Harper, you can do anything and you're so much. You're-"

She wrenches herself from him and stands outside the shade of his umbrella. "Stop. Okay. Just- Please don't say anything. Don't say nice things to me. Don't make me feel better. Because, I can't. Okay. I just can't."

He brushes off the rain from her cheeks and hugs her like maybe it would be okay. But this time she doesn't believe. There was no home for her. No enough she could be. Tomorrow they'd find Juliet and she'd go back to before.

She wasn't going to pretend anymore.

"Let's go find Juliet." Off in the distance there's a honking horn and someone shouting about the end of the world.

vii. was starred with frost

Greece is unusually warm and her skin feels red and she's sure that everything would be more beautiful if she wasn't thinking of cancer and moles.

"I forget sometimes about your brother."

She wishes she could to. "Lots of people do. A couple weeks ago, Alex told Robbie that I was an only child. I mean I guess I am. But it doesn't feel like it. Not really. It's like I know he's here. Somewhere. Like when I was a kid and we'd play hide and seek. Just because I don't see him..." Her voice falls way.

When he turns to her his eyes are shadowed. "I miss him to." He reaches up and runs his fingers across her face and neck. "Sunblock. We can't have you getting sunburned."

"What did you tell everyone?"

"That we were going to a silent movie." He takes her hand and leads her to the exhibit. "So when it's almost time for them to close, I'll use magic to transform us into objects till everything shuts down. We find the mummy, I say the spell, we save Juliet."

"Everyone goes home. And everything goes back to normal." She says.

"At least, normal for us." He gives her a smile.

She wishes she could give him one back.

"What's wrong?"

She looks to the sun.

"Harper, really, you could go blind that way."

She closes her eyes and sees red and burn and life the way it always was.

"Talk to me." His head turns the her closed eyes black.

"I don't know."

"What?"

"I don't know what's wrong." She shakes her head. No she does. She knows. She knows that she loves him. Or that she wants to love him. That if she had time and him then she would love him and maybe he'd love her to and then she'd be worth something more than a laugh. Because if someone as great as Justin loved her the her parents could love her again.

Her face feels warm and wet and she's still staring at where the sun was. That, she thought, was always her problem, always looking at what had been and never what was going to be.

She can feel his fingers at her cheek and at her neck and catching each drop on his hands. He isn't talking but he's swaying because her eyes are still squeezed shut and the red and black are blurring and biting at her. She wants him to say something. Tell her to stop blubbering or to ignore the tears. To push her away or something. She doesn't want him to understand.

Because she hates the silence of others, but she's use to the loneliness of herself.

"Harper, when I say it's going to go back to normal I mean-"

"Don't." It's haggard and watery and she hates herself more for the sound than the action.

"I care-"

"No."

"Let me finish-"

She opens her eyes and sees him to close. Can see the hairs sprouting across his chin and the frown line between his brows. "No. Don't look, it's Peter and Mom and Dad, it's magic and change and not changing and I'm tired. I haven't slept and I feel like I'm on fire and it's nothing. Or it's everything. It's not this. It's not about us. Not the way, not this way. Please. I know you love her. I know. And I do love you. Maybe it's not in love with you, maybe it's I want to be in love with you, to worth loving. And I want to be wanted, and if you look at me like that, with your face wrinkled and concerned and say that there's no hope then I'll be embarrassed or hurt and if you tell me there is, then I think your a liar. And I don't want to. So just leave it alone. Please."

His hands fall to her wrist and he nods. His lips thinned into a blank line.

"Let's do this then." His fingers lace through hers and she let's the sun dry her face.

viii. like the shadows they cast

It's over quickly without the usually disarray that she's left with a strange anticipation.

There home by early Sunday, Jerry is all grunts and raspy air and she grits her teeth and clutches the couch beneath her for the yelling.

Justin keeps looking at her, his eyes sliding and if Juliet wasn't pressed so tight to his side, she thought his hand might have found hers.

It's Theresa that finally says something. "There will be punishment, I know it was for a good cause, but something could have happened to you." Theresa's fingers glide over Justin's head and then come to Harper's own. "Whether you know it or not, Harper, you're apart of this family to, and what would we have done if something had happened?" Her mouth thins for a moment but underneath the beginning glare is a relief and a smile. "But it's late and you're tired and Juliet needs to go home to, her family has missed her. The punishment will be decided after sleep."

"What the chizz!" Alex shoots. "I go off on adventures and do stuff and I get." Her hands jet out and she deepens her voice to sound like Jerry. "Alex! Justin and Harper leave the COUNTRY and take on a MUMMY and they get sleep!?"

"Alex, you're not suppose to be in here!" Theresa's hands slam to her hips and Alex stomps a foot and heads off.

Her voice carries from the top of the stairs. "Fine. But next time I take the IPP to a different country and do stuff, I want to sleep to!"

"Bed."

Harper trudges to the basement. She wonders if maybe they'll send her to her parents.

She wonders about they're new house and how thick the walls are there. She slips into clean clothes and slides off her shoes.

Her teeth feel rough with dirt and she thinks about the stairs and the climb and how she'll have to brush them again anyway later, when a shadow looms from the top.

"Alex?"

"No."

She sits up but doesn't turn the light on.

"What?"

"When Peter died, I stopped... I don't know. Being as nice to you. I don't know why. I guess-"

"Because it was my fault."

His at the her side of the bed in a blink. "No. Never. I just. You're like him you know. It was weird. He was my best friend."

"You don't have to say anything. Really." She stares at her bed and the shadow of him on her sheets. "I... I shouldn't have... I don't know. I shouldn't have dared him, you know. We were so... I wasn't like this. I know. I was willing to do anything. My Grandpa said I was like Anne Shirley. Never back down and willing to find trouble. And we shouldn't have been that close to the street. Peter died. And it's my fault. It is. I took him from my parents. From you and all his other friends. And now, that's why I have to be like this." She bites her lip and wishes she could stop her mouth sometimes.

He sinks beside her. His skin is warm and she can smell his soap and him and she wants to cry again.

"Peter dared you to do the same. I remember. Only you said, do it first then. And he did. If you had done it, it would have been you. I don't think..." His fingers curl around hers. There both looking anywhere but at each other. "I couldn't imagine..." But his body twists and his other fingers touch her neck. "Never you."

"Back to normal."

"Normal changes all the time."

"Not for me. Not anymore."

"For everyone, Harper." He pushes her chin up. "I do love you, Harper."

"But you're not-"

"Maybe it's not in love. But I love you. And I was in love with her. But... it's not...she's not and I'm not and we're not...the same."

"She looked pretty in love."

"She just got back from being a mummy's mind slave. But I walked her home. We talked. Things change. Her parents... she's moving and things..."

"Change?" She says.

"All the time."

He doesn't kiss her and she's okay with that. But she leans in and his forehead is on hers.

They're sharing air and time and things change.

She's not okay.

Peter's still dead and there's Alex and punishment and her Mom and Dad and life.

But maybe there's hope and when she finally sleeps, the fog has lifted.