Disclaimer: Guess what? I don't own the Harry Potter stuff. Wow, what a revelation.
Remus was the only one who could love me, Cephus. Funny. The one whom the world despised, whom the world looked upon with hatred, was the only one who could love this one creature in the world. The others, who were so loved by the world unlike Remus, put up with me but could not love me.
They put up with me because there was nothing else for them to do. Why bother and take the time to tell me they couldn't stand me when they could just put up with me a little and it would all be fine? They thought I couldn't tell, that they were propelling the bliss of ignorance which I supposedly possessed into eternity.
All they were propelling into eternity was my hatred for them.
Remus was the only one who did not hate me and whom I therefore did not hate in return. He, hated by the world, was the only one who could love me.
I was the first whom he told. I, the underdog, he whom the others trod underfoot and yet pretend to treat me with care. He told me: "I am a werewolf and the world thus hates me."
Just like that. So matter of fact. I remember the words running through my mind: "Why does this kind of thing happen to such a nice and good person? Why to Remus of all people?" I was still idealistic then, I guess. I thought that good people would have good futures and fortune.
Silly of me to think of that. When I am good only misfortune befalls me; when I am bad, I sometimes can get fortune. Only sometimes, but it is more than can be said for the times in which I am good.
He saw the look on my face. "Now you hate me too."
I was shocked he thought so. Then I did not hate anyone, back in those days of idealism and sweet thoughts. "I -- I don't!"
"It's okay, I can deal with it, no need to pretend." Remus is now bitter. "None of the others take the trouble to pretend. Very nice of you to, really, but you don't need to. I can deal with it."
It isn't right, damn it, is all my conscience says. It tells me that it isn't right for Remus to have to attain such bitterness already. Not Remus! something inside me cries out. He's only twelve years old, for the love of Christ why can't he just be happy? "But Remus I don't!"
A spark of hope, not a ray but just a short-lived spark, flickers in his eye. It goes out. "I know you do."
Bitterness at its height in the voice of a twelve-year old. Remus too was forced to drink the bitter water of hatred and contempt. How was I blind to it all these years? He has drunk of the same spring which I have and yet I did not notice him drinking from it right beside me.
"Remus -- Remus, I don't. Why should I hate you?"
Remus looked like that was the stupidest, most foolish question ever asked. He had never been treated with equal respect by someone that knew his status. "Because I'm a werewolf you dumbass."
"So? The world despises me for just being me, just being who I am. Ugh, scratch that, that sounds like the Sesame street 'I'm Unique and Proud' show. They hate me just because they can't find a way to like me. But I don't expect you to hate me. I expect it from the rest, but not from you," I said back then. It made sense to me then. I'm not sure if it makes so much sense anymore but then it did.
"You don't?" he asks.
"I don't."
Remus looks glum today. We two are the only in the dormitory. The others are out, enjoying a day in a world who loves them. "What, thinking about contempt?"
"I got over that long ago," Remus answers bitterly. It again pangs me. He's twelve, I remember, and yet he thinks as an adult. I guess I'm the same way, but I can't feel sorry for myself simply because I can't. But Remus...I deserve this somehow, but Remus doesn't. Nonetheless Remus continues. "Just it's going to be a full moon tonight."
The words should be void of meaning but they mean far too much. "Oh," is all I say. "Oh."
"Yes, oh," answers Remus. "Oh." Suddenly he yells. Just yells at the top of his lungs.
"Remus --" my voice is cut short. I can't talk. The agony in the voice I hear holds me back, crying for me to shut up.
"I'm -- I'm sorry," he shudders. "I -- I didn't mean to."
It blows me away. "YOU'RE sorry? You should be mad, not sorry!"
"No, it's my fault. I let myself be careless and be bitten, and I let myself be careless and scream out. It's me, not you, not anyone else. They are blameless for me," Remus is somber.
"What the hell?" I don't understand it. He's talking like a sad, wizened old man, not a sweet twelve year old boy.
"Never mind," Remus smiles thinly, a smile that does not reach his eyes. "No time for explanation. I must leave now."
He vanishes to go only I know where, for he has not told anyone else. He can only tell me because we are both the scorned. He is scorned less by some others, for they can accept him as long as he's normal, but me no one can accept.
In time the others learn. They act all noble and self-sacrificing. Stupid fools. Remus goes along with them to please them. They think that he really appreciates it. I only know the truth: he despises them for treating him different now. All he wants is them to treat him just the same, but he can't say that because he's too wise for his years.
I can see it in their eyes. They pretend to be the same, but whenever he turns his focus to them they avert their eyes. The few times they look at him, they just look bewildered and like they wonder about him. They no longer think of him as a friend but as a curiosity who is nice.
I alone behold him as I did before. We become animagi, but the others still do not treat him the same. I and Remus, the despised of the world, alone can tell the truth.
Remus is the only one I still pity, I still feel for. I am not sorry for what I did to the other two, only for the pain I might have caused Remus, for Remus was the only one who I ever cared about and who ever cared about me.
I am not sorry that I caused Sirius to be imprisoned. He never gave me even a moment's thought.
I am not sorry that I killed James or Lily. They never looked at me as an equal or as a real human being.
I let James and Lily die. I put Sirius in prison. I only am sorry because I made Remus feel as though I had betrayed him, I, the only one who ever cared, had betrayed him.
I did it, for I am Cephus, which means Peter.
A.N.2.: Okay, that was just stupid and it wasn't good at all. What was I thinking??? Oh well...too late now, it's written and now I have to post it. :-(. *sighs* Please review, all things from flames to rave reviews are welcome. And in case your wondering, Cephus really does mean Peter. ;-)