Hello?
Oh, hey.
Yeah.
I am.
I'm okay, though. Just a little banged-up. But to tell you the truth I wanna get outta here as fast as I can so nobody hears nothin'. This is fuckin' embarrassing.
Who told you?
Uh-huh.
Well, he lies a lot too, so. . .you know.
Yeah.
Okay, so I won't say I woke up because if I woke up that meant I wouldn't be in this shithole I'm in right now. I also won't say I got out of bed, and that I didn't hit my head against the bedpost, and that I didn't start bleeding, and that they didn't cart me to the hospital. So pretty much nothing happened today. You wanna know why? Because that shit's the same old story and I'm tired of it. I am, man. Everyone in this town tells the same exact story. And Lord knows you don't want to hear another one.
What?
Is he home now?
Oh.
Well, I guess you shoulda seen that coming, huh?
Jesus, calm down. I don't mean nothing by it.
I know. But he's not gonna be me. And to be honest I don't think he's gonna be you either. I mean, he isn't you and he isn't me. He's him. Plus, he's just starting to figure it all out. So what if he hits a little bump in the road every now and then? We ain't really been saints, you know.
Well, I just think you need to go a little easier on him. I mean, he's gonna be what? Nineteen? For Chrissakes, he's almost the age you were when -
Yeah. I know. I just thought - okay, guess I wasn't thinking.
Yeah.
I know.
I know.
I know that.
Why won't you let me talk?
I let you talk.
I am not. You're the one being selfish. Shut up.
Look, you're my brother and I love you and all but sometimes you need to shut up. And don't think you can threaten me, 'cause I learned how to hurl guys over my shoulders like goddamn shotputs.
Okay, so I didn't. Nah. If I did that I'd be built like a goddamn firetruck. Not that I would have wanted to be built like a firetruck - they'd kick your big huge ass off the plane. But most people don't know that. Actually, it's pretty funny what I can tell people these days. What do they know? They weren't there; they can't argue with me. It's funny 'cause I watch these college kids parade around and I think, you're so stupid. You know? What do they know? Nothing. Exactly. And then it's priceless, the way they look all spooked or angry or pitiful or some shit when someone who does know goes and tells them, Hey, what are you yelling about? You're wasting your breath. Go do somethin' useful. I mean - when I tell them that they look at me like I just came back from Never-Never Land. Which, in its own way, kinda was.
Kinda was.
People are stupid, Dar. Why didn't you tell me people were so fuckin' dumb?
Oh.
You didn't know either.
Guess that makes two of us.
Nah. It's just the IV bag deflating. I really did hit my head on the bedpost. Why do they make 'em so hard? Don't they know people are gonna hit their heads on them?
Oh hey, that reminds me. Did I ever tell you the one time - wait, what? What are you doing? Don't you dare leave this phone - Darry - I swear to God if I hear you start the car I will jump out of this bed and smash your windows - you ain't taking away my bag of happy-sauce.
'Cause it's mine.
Man, they should hook everybody up with this shit. Boom. Instant world peace. Then we'll all hold hands and sing, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds -
No. I am most certainly not.
Well, you're gonna have to wait for him to get home anyways, wise guy.
Jesus. Don't pop a gasket. I'll go home in a day or so. You know how they are. They fuss up a storm if you get a papercut. Plus, if you think this is bad - a couple of years back me and Steve were walking home from this big party, right? Do you remember that time he popped his knee and he was takin' all those meds? Yeah. Well, I didn't even know and he didn't bother to tell me. That night he took eight of those and a quarter of rum, and when we went on the bus the people on the bus were ready to jump out because he looked ready to blow up all over the windows, but it turns out we hopped on the wrong bus, and then we get off and walk five blocks when Steve says, Man, I feel like shit, and he goes and pukes all over the concrete, and he's smilin' like a jackass when I look at him, and when we finally get to the right goddamn bus stop it's two A.M. and I feel like fuckin' crying 'cause he's just so out of it, pukin' his guts out everywhere, and then this kid with a really bad British accent comes by and tells us the bus stop is actually over there and that's all Steve remembers, the dork.
. . .This stuff is making me say weird things.
No.
No.
No - are you deaf? I already told you.
I can't hurl guys over my shoulders like shotputs.
That's just plain fuckin' dumb.
Who told you that?
Oh.
Right.