A/N- haiiii :) so this here ficlet (hahahaha…ficlet. it's a funny word.) was co-written with LostInASeaOfSilence (Lindsey), and it was sooo much fun to write! it's a really fun story, hope you like it as much as I do :) if you want to co-write a story with me, you can PM me and I'll respond as soon as I can. this was inspired by Bade Prompts 2 –Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. references to Ghetto Deer, Twilight, The Nanny, and Can I Have Your Number lie herein. If any of this offends you, I'm very sorry, it wasn't me (our) intention. enjoy!
It's a Thursday night in the majestic life of Beck Oliver, and it's pouring rain outside. Luckily for Beck, he gets to spend all night cramming for a midterm that he didn't know existed until about six hours ago. …Oops.
He looks up from his Theater History book for the first time at about 3:30 AM, distracted by the mysterious pounding at the door of his RV.
"'Scuse me, can I talk to you fo' a minute?" comes a terrible impression of a manly voice from outside, then, an obnoxiously loud giggle. The person, whoever it is, clears their throat, then says in a louder voice," I said, excuse me, can I talk to you fo' a minute?"
From outside Beck's RV comes another giggle, then an annoyed voice Beck knows all too well says," Seriously, Mom, open the fucking door, I gotta pee."
Beck scrambles to the door and yanks it open, pulling on a pair of sweatpants.
"Jade?" he asks disbelievingly.
His girlfriend, surprisingly only slightly damp, giggles.
"Ohhh, so this is your house?" Another giggle. "Oopsie poopsies, guess the pegacorn lied, then," Jade shrugs.
"…Pegacorn?" Beck asks after a brief pause.
"Yeah, you know, a cross between a pegasus and a unicorn?" she says matter-of-factly.
"I saw one in my bathroom. It told me to come here, 'cuz apparently my mom lives here now?" Pushing past him, she storms into his RV.
Beck follows, closing the door dazedly. "…Bathroom…Pegacorn…?" he asks faintly.
It's only then that he notices the giant carton of Peppermint Cow-flavored Ben&Jerry's ice cream that Jade is nestling in her arms.
"Jade?...How many cartons of that ice cream did you eat?" he asks, trying to keep calm.
"Only six! This is just my seventh one!" Jade pulls a huge spoon out of her back pocket and shovels a dollop of ice cream into her mouth.
"Y'know, I didn't know peppermint cows were this…yummy!" she exclaims through another mouthful.
Beck nods to himself. Oh, what fun he was going to have…
"Mmm…" Jade pulls him from his trance (if she wasn't so high on ice cream, it would probably have been really embarrassing for him right them, because he's pretty sure he had that gay-looking, dreamy smile on his face again).
Jade's face is now covered in ice cream, her nose peeping out of the mess.
"My tastebuds have boners," she says. Beck stifles a laugh.
"Okay, so I'm gonna try to finish studying for a midterm that I have tomorrow, okay? So you just…um…you can just…play with the goldfish over there, okay?" It's like talking to a four-year-old. Beck gives Jade an encouraging smile. She nods, licking her spoon clean, and prances over to his fish tank.
Beck shakes his head at her, finally deciding to stop creeping on his girlfriend and to get some studying in before the sun comes up.
He suddenly becomes aware, about thirty seconds later, of Jade cooing…something. It's sort of like a mixture between," Come to mummy!" and "I wanna fuck you up, bitch!"
Beck whips his head around to see Jade, ice cream tucked under one arm, with her head hovering above the fish tank, a goldfish in her hand, her mouth open…Oh, sweet Jesus, she's trying to eat it, he realizes with a thud. Dropping his book in a rush, he hurries over to Jade, slapping her hand, causing her to drop the fish back into the water where it belongs, before she can slide it into her mouth.
"…the fuck?" she asks crossly. "I was just about to eat it!" Beck gapes at her, at a loss for words.
"You can't eat my fish!" he informs her, gesturing wildly at nothing.
"But why not?" she says with an admittedly cute puppy-dog face.
"Because, you just…you, well, you… you just don't do that, okay?" Beck exclaims, frustrated. He's beginning to get kind of annoyed, because
His girlfriend is completely oblivious to everything that's happening, and
He is so gonna fail that Theater History exam.
"You know what?" Beck says," Give me that. You're done." He jerks the tub of ice cream out of her hands, causing Jade to let out an ear-piercing scream.
"Give me back my ice cream, man! It's like my baby! I wanna eat my baby!"
Beck has to bring out his inner actor to force himself not to laugh.
"Nope, you can have this back when you learn to be a mature adult." He then proceeds to put the ice cream on top of his refrigerator, where Jade can't reach it. Well, not in this state, anyway.
However, in the middle of his short little trip, he swears he hears someone…sobbing?
Beck turns his head slowly. It's Jade, on the floor, in a heap, sobbing. He sighs deeply, frowning.
"Jade," he starts exasperatedly.
"No!" she screeches, looking up furiously. Her eyes are bloodshot, face flushed.
"You took away my child!" she shouts, burying her face in his pillow again. Her makeup is smudged.
"Jade?" Beck says gently, then louder when she doesn't reply.
"Jade. Jade, come on! I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry!" He's walking over to her now. She scrambles to the other end of the RV and throws the pillow at him. Dodging it easily, he's about to give her a cocky grin when he remembers her…condition.
"Okay," he groans. "Okay. What do you want me to do?"
"Give me my baby back," she says sullenly, wiping her eyes.
"…Fine." he retrieves the tub from the top of his fridge and gives it to Jade, whose eyes light up immediately.
"Oh my fucking God! Ice cream!" she yells, using her hands to shovel it into her mouth.
Beck snatches it away from her again, holding it above her head. She pouts, ready to protest, when he puts a finger to her lips and says," You have to promise me you'll calm down, first."
Jade nods, eyes fixed on the ice cream. He lowers his arm and she grabs the carton hungrily.
"I have to study now, okay?" he tells Jade again. When she doesn't respond, he opens his textbook and tries to focus.
Okay. So the theater-"Woah."
Beck's thoughts are cut off (yet again) by Jade. She's petting her chin, which is covered in ice cream.
"When'd I grow a beard?" Her eyes shift to the abandoned ice cream, and she yelps," OMG!" and proceeds to attack it.
"Jade, you said you'd calm do-" "And when I'm with yooooooooooou…" Of course.
She's serenading the ice cream. On her knees. Off key. Using her big spoon as a microphone.
"The world is…butterflies and teddy bears and rainbows and puffy white clouds and-"
"Okay, what the hell are you doing?" snaps Beck. "Calm down and be quiet or I'll take away your baby again!" Jade pouts and plops down cross-legged on the ground again.
A few minutes later, she breaks the silence with a loud sigh. Beck glances at her, sitting there looking like a little kid, and can't help the rush of affection he feels for the beautiful girl sitting in front of him…which fades away quickly and is replaced by amused-ness and slight annoyance when she states," Man, this sobriety thing is a fucking trip."
Beck inwardly lets out a groan. Who knew Jade could be so hard to handle when she's high?
"I'm just going to go back to my studying, okay?" he says.
"Yeah, sure, whatever," says Jade, who, by the way, is still utterly engrossed in her ice cream.
Beck walks over and tries to give her a peck on the lips, when she starts scrambling to get away from him.
"Woah, woah, woah," she says, "Look, I like you and all, but you just don't have awesome enough tits." Beck just gapes at her. "Oh, don't look so surprised," she says, "I mean, looking at you, I can tell why Victoria keeps it a secret."
"Okay…I'm just going to ignore that," says Beck, as he makes his way back to his textbook.
A few minutes later, he hears Jade say to herself," What if Jesus had really rockin' tits! That'd be frickin' awesome!" Judging by the way things were going now, Beck knew this was going to be one loooong night.
"Dude, have you ever noticed how hot your dad is?" asks Jade.
"What?" Beck asks, as if he can't believe what he's hearing.
"Seriously, I mean, he's probably one of the sexiest men alive. Like, sexier than that wolf guy, Taylor, or whatever the fuck his name is. How have you never noticed?"
"Well, you know, normally I don't think about my DAD like that. And you really shouldn't either. He's like twice your age. And not to mention the fact that HE'S MY DAD!"
"I'm just saying. I would totally bang him. Like, anytime. Tell him to just say when."
"Oh my god. No. Just…No. Let's never have this conversation again."
Jade just shrugs, "Mkay," and goes back to her ice cream.
A few minutes later, after Beck has decided that his attempts at calming Jade down are futile, and that he's just going to have to fail his Theater History exam, he turns on the TV and flips it to a random channel.
"Hey," he says, "You hungry?" When she doesn't respond, he looks around to see what she's up to. He swivels his head to see Jade playing with…dinosaur figurines?
"Roar," she says in a throaty voice, shaking one of the plastic toys. "I eat piglets like you for breakfast, bitch!" Quickly, she changes to a higher tone. "Oh, please spare me, you fat-ass dinosaur!"
"Okay, that's it," says the bigger "dinosaur", "that tears it, I'm gonna go have sex with Beck's dad, and as soon as I come back-"
"Okay!" Beck loudly interrupts Jade's little game, snatching away the toys. She stands up and glares at him with wide eyes. "What the fuck? Gimme those things back, I was fucking having fun!"
Beck rolls his eyes. "Where'd you even get these, anyway?"
"Um, I pooped them out on Thursday?" Jade says, as if it's obvious. He decides not to answer.
"Are you hungry?" he asks her.
"No," she tells him snottily. "Suit yourself," he shrugs, turning to his fridge.
Almost instantly, he hears a loud thump from behind him. Sighing loudly, he turns around to see…nothing.
Panicked, he scours the room with his eyes quickly, then calls," Jade? Jade, where the hell are you? It's not fucking funny!" "Calm your tits, bitch, I'm right here," comes a voice from the floor.
"Jesus, Jade, why the fu-"
"Dude," she cuts in. "When was the last time you mowed your ceiling?" she asks, disgusted.
"It looks like a fucking jungle up there!...Like my mom's ass," she adds.
"Okay, I really did NOT need that picture in my head," he says.
"…Hey, Beck?" she says after a pause.
"What, Jade, what?"
"…I'm kinda hungry."
He facepalms.
"Oh! Are we playing slap ourselves in the faces?" Jade asks in a childish manner.
"That's like my fave game!" says Jade, and suddenly she smacks herself across the face, as a loud 'smack' reverberates through the room.
"Oh my god, now you sound like Cat," Beck says with a sigh.
"Gross, cats are disgusting. All they do is cry, poop, and vomit. Then they repeat the process." Jade then giggles, and says," No wait, that's babies. Silly me. But while we're on the subject…Don't you think me and your dad would make awesome babies?"
"FORGET IT!" snaps Beck. "Now what the hell do you want to eat?"
"Hmm…" she says, tapping her finger on her chin.
"How about…Ooh, I know!"
Beck waits for her to continue, but Jade just sits there, playing with her nails.
"Well," says Beck," What do you want?"
"Ice cream!" shouts Jade enthusiastically. Again, Beck facepalms.
"Will this night ever end?" he thinks to himself.
Taking a deep breath, Beck wills himself to be patient.
"You already have ice cream," he tells her kindly.
"Hell yeah," Jade winks, licking her spoon seductively.
"Jade…" he warns.
She frowns, sticking her spoon into the ice cream.
"I just noticed," she begins. "That South America is the worst planet ever."
She nods thoughtfully. Beck lets out a loud groan.
"Hey, save it for the toilet!" she whines disgustedly.
Clawing at his hair, Beck mutters through clenched teeth," You know you're really pissing me off right now?" She mock-pouts, giggling childishly.
"I'll stop bugging you if you get me some more ice cream." Jade raises her eyebrows.
Sighing yet again, Beck finally nods resignedly. "Fine. I'll get you some ice cream. But I swear to God, Jade, if you try to pull anything while I'm gone-"
"Kay!" she says brightly. "Peppermint Cow, pretty please! Oh, and get two, 'cuz I'm a fast eater," Jade orders.
When Beck is inside the store ("open 24/7, for your convenience!" according to the sign outside) paying for the ice cream, he hears something…odd.
"Hey yo Keisha, get yo ass over here," comes an obviously false manly voice from behind him. Giggling, Jade stumbles over.
"Jade?" Beck half-shouts. "What the hell? How'd you get here?"
"I walked," she says simply. Then," Duh!"
"Three miles? In the rain?"
"Um, yeah?" Jade smiles widely.
She clears her throat, then resumes the deep voice, using it to say (again)," I said, hey yo Keisha, get yo ass over here!"
"What the hell, Jade?"
"What the hell, Jade?" she mimics, grinning.
"Ugh…Jade, you're…you're so not…right. You're so not right!"
"That's not what your daddy said last night," Jade laughs loudly.
"Ahem." The elderly lady at the register is staring at them with a confused expression.
"You gonna pay for that?" Beck smiles apologetically, shooting a death glare at his girlfriend.
"Yes, I'll pay for the ice cream-"
"Ice cream?" Jade interjects.
"Yes, ice cream. Is there a problem?" Beck asks Jade jerkily.
"Why're you getting ice cream?"
"Because you made me!"
"But I already have ice cream," she says innocently.
Beck curses under his breath, grabbing Jade by the arm. "Sorry," he forces a smile, apologizing to the lady over his shoulder. "Jade, let's go."
"No!" she squeals. "I wanna play with the saggy lady!"
"Jade!" he reprimands. He turns to the woman, and apologizes to her. Again.
The elderly cashier just mutters a "Youth these days," as Beck drags Jade out of the convenience store.
"No! I don't wanna go! I wanna stay in Narnia! REEPICHEEP!" she yells.
Beck grips her wrist tighter, and continues dragging her to the car. He stops to unlock it, when Jade says," Woah, where the fuck did the car go?"
"…It's right here. In front of your face?"
"Oh," Jade giggles, something she's been doing a lot tonight. "Silly me!
She proceeds to climb into the car through the window, and when Beck stops her and opens the door for his girlfriend.
"Here, let me help you out."
"Why thank you, Niles!" Beck rolls his eyes, slides into the driver's seat, and starts up the car.
He decides to turn on the radio, to tune out Jade's nonsensical babbling, but his plan backfires when "Rolling in The Deep" comes on, and Jade starts singing along.
Well…sort of.
She's replacing all the words with lyrics that cannot possibly be repeated…loudly.
"Uh, Jade? Am I goin to have to wash your mouth out when we get home?"
"No, gross. It's just…why did they have to make all these words so fun to say? Bitch. Shit. See? You try!"
"I'm good," Beck says as he turns off the radio, deciding he likes Adele's version just a little bit better.
Jade begins sucking on her thumb.
"Jade, stop it, you're not a little kid."
"It's okay," she says," it's non-toxic."
"You're unbelievable."
"You know what else is unbelievable? That polar bears are black. Man, I always thought they were white. Learn something new every day, huh Niles?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever." Beck's begun to tune out everything she's saying, due to the fact that just about none of it is making any sense.
"Did you know that Paul bought himself a trumpet from the Salvation Army? I think we should go up there and check out all the stuff they've got. I've heard good things about their waffle makers."
"Say, Niles, have you ever had Jamaican Waffles? Man, they're almost as delicious as this ice cream!" she exclaims as she takes another large bite.
"Okay, that is ENOUGH!" Beck snaps, not able to stand it anymore. "My name is not Niles, pegacorns do not exist, they never have, they never will, we have not been to Narnia, hell, it's not even a real place! You are fucking high off ice cream, and you can't even comprehend anything I'm saying, can you?" Beck's practically out of breath by the time he finishes his rant.
He looks over at Jade to see her reaction when he notices her eyes are closed and her breathing is even.
"She fucking fell asleep on me," Beck says, and he actually starts laughing.
He's still chuckling by the time they pull into his driveway, but decides to calm down so he doesn't wake Jade up. He unbuckles her seatbelt, picks her up, bridal-style, carries her inside, and tucks her into bed. Kissing her forehead, he mutters a quick," Love you, Jade," then climbs into bed himself.
He gets a D- on his Theater History exam, but it was so worth it.
A/N: I reply to reviews :) thanks for reading!