Sometime after Exit Wounds, John came back to the hub...
"Tell me."
Jack looked up, eyebrows raised. John leaned against the doorway, but when Jack didn't say anything he pushed off of it and took a single step closer, hands shoved into his pockets. "What's it like, all that pain and trauma, every time you're dragged back?"
Jack closed his eyes, unwilling to answer, unable to shrug the question off. John had asked him that before, but he had been pretty sure he didn't really want to know. Or maybe Jack hadn't wanted him to know. Whichever it was, he hadn't answered the question back then and he didn't feel like answering it now.
John moved in, their old rapport establishing in an instant. He stood close, almost toe to toe, but didn't touch.
"Tell me", he repeated, his eyes and voice soft. God how long had it been since Jack had seen that look? This was the man he'd traveled Time and space with. Who'd saved his ass more times than he could count and double crossed him just as often. Who'd shagged him senseless and pissed him off royally, usually within an hour. Who'd held him close and spit in his face, sometimes literally. This was the man whose kiss could make anything fall away. To his utter terror Jack felt his throat close up. He cleared it.
"Gets easier every time."
John gave him his trade mark don't fuck with me look. The one that said 'professional liar here, and I'm not buying your shit'.
"You want me to fuck it out of you or suck it out of you?"
He closed the distance, his voice barely more than a breath:
"Or do you need to pour it into me? Cause either way I'm game."
Jack turned his head away.
"You can't solve everything with sex, John."
John grinned.
"Yes I can. I always could, and you never complained."
The grin died on his face at Jack's next words.
"It's terror. Every time I die and come back I'm scared to the bone."
John reached out and traced Jack's jaw.
"Of what?"
"Of the pain that comes with dying. And the pain that comes with coming back. But most of all - of the time in between. Every time I hope this time it might be permanent. That place I go - it's dark and cold and I'm completely alone, and Time doesn't exist. It's eternal."
John swallowed, completely at a loss.
Jack heaved a sigh and grimaced.
"Also, a lot of the time, after coming back I have to deal with the person who killed me. Which sucks if they are friends, or teammates - or lovers."
Jack's pointed look killed the little jolt of joy that had come with hearing that word from Jack's lips. It sent John to his very own cold dark place. He closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Jack. I didn't mean to kill you."
"Which time?"
John flinched.
"The first time. When I didn't know yet that you'd come back. Seeing you fall...that horrible sound...and your eyes...I still have nightmares about that."
"Seriously? Of all the things we did, all the things we lived through, that's the one that gives you nightmares?"
"Of all the lies and cheats and murders, that's the one I regret. Will always regret."
Jack looked at him for a long time, but John kept his head down.
"I forgive you."
John's head jerked up.
"Just like that?"
"Not just like that. I heard you. Guilt. Remorse. Forgiveness. That's how it works, right? Maybe that will help with the nightmare."
Jack moved closer, and the next thing John knew was that Jack was kissing him, gentle, no bite, no fight, just tenderness. When they broke the kiss he rushed out:
"I love you. I know you don't feel that way but I can't help it."
Jack drew back a little.
"I'm sorry, John. I know what that feels like."
"Yeah? Who's it for you? PC Cooper?"
Jack smiled but didn't answer.
"I've seen the way you look at her and I don't get it."
"You don't get what?"
"I've seen the way she looks at you as well. So what's keeping you?"
"She's a married woman."
"Oh please. When has that ever stopped you? Monogamy?! God I hate this backwater century."
Jack smiled all through another soft kiss that made John's breath hitch.
"There's one thing to be said for the 21st though. Apparently it taught you how to be gentle."
"You never wanted gentle."
"I take what I can get."
Jack's smile turned sad and he straightened.
"It's not Gwen. Not like that. Not like -"
"I get it. Not the way I unrequitedly love you, the kind where your heart gets ripped to shreds. So who?"
"It's - the Doctor."
John's eyebrows hit the ceiling.
"You're in love with a Time Lord? God, Jack. You sure know how to make your life miserable."
He smiled, and it turned smug.
"So, how well exactly do you know him?"
"I'm not talking about him."
"Oh come on, we've made such nice progress on the opening up front."
"I'm serious, John. I'm not talking about him. But..."
He gave John another one of those kisses.
"...I do know how you feel, and I'm sincerely sorry."
John moved into Jack as much as he could, turning the kiss into something less gentle, more passionate, until they were both panting. Resting their foreheads together John grinned:
"Remind me to send him flowers."