Inner Struggles
Silence pierces the air unexpectedly. Both he and I stare at the broken frame on the floor, pieces of it scattered across the hardwood. It's not the fact that the frame contained one of the few pictures of my deceased father and I together that hurts, nor is it my pounding head. What really hurts is the look on Alex's face after I had shoved him back against the desk behind him.
I'm convinced that he's going to walk out now, something that I both wish he would and wouldn't do. My god, does that even make sense? But instead of leaving, he speaks.
"Lara…I…I don't understand…I mean, one minute it feels like you want to see me and that you are comfortable around me, but the second I get close to you, you shut down. I like you Lara, okay? It's no secret. But if you don't want that between us, it's okay. I'm sorry if I've been a little forward here and there. Just please explain to me why we can't be friends." When I failed to speak, he hangs his head, seemingly trying to decide on his next move.
"Alex…I…," I say finally. "It's so hard to explain…" A tear begins to roll down my face when I speak again. "It's just that every time I see your face, I go back there…to the island. And then I think about all the things I could have done to save you, to save Roth and Grim…I think about how if it weren't for my suggestion on taking the direction we took on that ship, how all of this wouldn't have happened...I remember all of these things as soon as I see you approach me, during the quiet moments between us, and when you leave. Not to mention the nightmares…" I turn my back.
"Lara…you could not have seen that storm coming. I mean, it came out of nowhere. And do you not see all the things you have done? None of us would have made it off without you. There wasn't much more you could have possibly done…And wishing you could have done more isn't going to help with getting past it." He reaches out, as if to touch my shoulder, but retreats and shifts his stance. "Look, if you need some space, I understand, Lara. But you need to accept that you did everything you could."
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Alex crouch down and scoop up the photo, brushing away the glass. He takes a moment to gaze at it, then places it on the desk. I think about what happened just before the frame broke.
We were laughing at something Reyes had said to Alex recently. It was such a simple occurrence in which I didn't have cause to think about anything else. I had grown to appreciate these times with Alex, especially because it's so rare for me to truly relax these days. In that moment, when we were sitting on the floor in front of my desk laughing, Alex stopped gradually to look at me through his glasses. He didn't just glance, but he fixed his eyes upon me, studying every detail of my face.
When I stared back, his eyes caught mine. They were the same eyes that begged me to leave him, so that I could survive, but at the same time, they told me that he had feelings for me. My heart stung when my eyes fell upon his cheek, the cheek that I had planted my lips against before I left Alex to his doom. How devastating it must have been for him! He finally had received affection from the woman he loved, but it was only out of pity, with the desperation of the situation thrown into the mix. I tried to swallow a growing lump in my throat. That's when Alex took one side of my face into his hand, stroking my loose strands of hair back behind my ear with his thumb. The corners of his lips lifted, revealing a brilliant, genuine smile.
And that's when I lost myself again. When I shut down. Alex tried to calm me down as I got up to pace, but I pushed him away. And now, here we are, backs turned to each other without a single word spoken. The situation persists until I hear my apartment door open and close. And that's when I realize it. I realize that my heart is broken.
I drop onto my bed, overwhelming emotions washing back over me. My breaths become slow and heavy, as if some invisible hand is pressing down on me and refusing to let up. The impending pressure manages to squeeze quite a few tears from my eyes. I begin to sob and find that I can't stop. Every part of me hurts from the relentless emotional pain that aches throughout me as I think about why it's so difficult for me to love Alex.
How is it that I can charge toward an army of men and fight without thinking twice, but I can't let my feelings for Alex emerge? I know that they're there; I feel them every time Alex smiles at me or even when he simply nears me. His presence is one of the only things anymore that finds me when I feel lost, which is most of the time. Though just looking at him takes me back to that horrifying place, I at least am aware that he had indeed made it out alive with the rest of us who survived. And being aware of that fills me with joy I didn't even know I could have. Despite knowing these things, that even with the war within me, comes the peace that both precedes and follows, I still can't seem to let him in. He's seen too much of me already, too much of the pain and the weakness. And what kind of a person am I for leaving him to die alone? I should have fought for him…
I wish we had met before the island. It'd be much easier to be myself around him then, like how I can be myself around Jonah, a longtime friend of mine. I wish I could show Alex pre-tragic Lara. I want to show him the music I enjoy, the books I read, and the places in which Roth took me to train in survival skills. I want to cry on his shoulder when the pain returns, his arms holding me close to him so that I feel safe. I want to rest my lips against his, to show him that I share the feelings he has. I just want him, now more than ever. This thought alone astonishes me to great lengths; for the longest time, I had wanted nothing more than to see my parents alive again. Or at least the opportunity to restore my father's reputation. But now, things are different. Am I seriously finding that I desire love from another, a love which runs deeper than friendship? How is this possible, when I've spent my whole life fixated on making grand discoveries throughout the world? Despite my internal questions, I come to realize that I really need Alex here with me now. Without a second thought, I send him a text, asking him to come back.
~Time Lapse~
Forty minutes pass without a response and I begin to coil in despair. I pull my covers over me, trying to take shelter from my loss of hope. Fatigue continues to sway me to sleep but I can't. I keep my eyes closed, putting an exhausting amount of effort into trying to fall asleep. However, at long last, I hear a knock at my door. I sprint out of my bedroom and go to answer, not bothering to look through the peephole to see who it was. Alex stands before me, breathing heavily and his dark brown hair disheveled as if he had been through an ordeal just getting here. He looks concerned. I imagine that my raw eyes are the cause for this. Carefully, without words, Alex places a hand against my lower back as he enters, guiding me back to my bedroom.
Once there, we both sit down on the edge of my bed. We sit side by side but face the same direction towards the door. After a few minutes pass, Alex decides to break the silence.
"Lara…I'm sorry for leaving…I didn't want to. I just thought you weren't ready to talk to me." He pauses to take a deep breath "But I shouldn't have left. I should have stayed…I'm sorry." I feel his eyes on me, begging me for forgiveness.
"You have no reason to apologize, Alex. Especially after the way I left you." My voice cracks as I say the last few words. Alex turns towards me.
"Why are you still dwelling on that, Lara?"
"Alex, you don't unders-"
"I may not understand how that moment made you feel. But I know how it made me feel." He almost sounded angry when he said it. I remorsefully stare at the floor, but Alex is quick to clear the air.
"Look," he says, shifting his weight. "I know you regret making a run for it. But I don't regret telling you to do so. I wanted you to survive."
"But I wanted you to survive too. I-"
"Listen, I care about you. Just like you cared about Roth and Grim. You have to understand that. And besides, I survived…and you survived. We're both fine." I breathe, trying to stay calm.
"I care about you too, Alex. I'm so sorry. I don't know why this is so hard. It sounds much simpler when you say it like that."
"It's not simple, Lara. I understand." I nodded in thanks before he spoke again. "You need to try to not keep all this on yourself though, okay? Accept the past for what it was and know that you did your best."
"I'll try, Alex." No more was said for a long time. Throughout this duration, I thought very deeply about where to go from here, how to proceed. I mean, how could I possibly show Alex how I feel? That I want to lay my head on his shoulder right now, but I don't feel that I deserve to. How do I rid myself of the guilt and allow myself to be loved?
I take a moment to look at Alex. It's such a bittersweet thing to do; though shame and guilt persist within me, I admire the carefree stance that Alex takes. The way he carries himself is just so relaxed and confident in a way that isn't as obvious upon first meeting him. But I soon realize that this isn't what I'm seeing right now. There seems to be a whole other side to him present. I watch silently as he runs his fingers slowly though his hair repeatedly with both hands, hunched over in his own world. He looks more stressed than I've ever seen him, even more so than when we were trapped on the island. I worry that I've pushed him to this. That my instability shook him.
"Hey, L.C.?" I'm suddenly jolted from my thoughts.
"Hm?"
"I understand how much of that place stays with you…" Alex stumbles into what he says next, as if cautious about not expressing it in the wrong way. "S-so if you need some time to sort through it, I can step away. But I want you to know that if it'd be better for me to stick around, I will." He sighs and scoots closer to me. "Just please, tell me what you'd like me to do."
"Both…" I think to myself hopelessly. I swear that I can feel my heart tearing in two inside of me. I'm in more pain that I've ever felt, and I've taken bullets to my bare skin. I've watched Roth die before my very eyes. But there is something even more enduringly painful about wanting Alex but feeling like I shouldn't or can't be close to him. The frustration reappears deep down and boils until it reaches my head. Before I know it, I squeeze a few searing tears out. And before I know it, I drop myself into Alex's arms and cry. Alex runs his fingers up and down my back and holds me tight as I hide from the world in his chest.
"I really like you Alex…I really do," I say as I calm down. Alex squeezes me for a moment.
"I like you too, Lara." I disengage our embrace and shift my face towards his, still looking down. I sniffle in between words.
"No, Alex…I mean I really do." When I say this, I face Alex, who begins to look very perplexed.
"I really like you, Lara. I'm not sure what y-"
"I love you." I say it so fast that it didn't even register for a few seconds. Alex seems equally as shocked. Before he can respond, I throw a few more words into the silence of the moment. "But I can't be with you…" Alex appears frozen in time for a moment, his jaw hanging wide open.
"Why not?" he asked, clearly perplexed. I shake my head again and again slowly.
"You don't really know the real me…I've changed." Alex straightens up.
"Who is the 'real' you, Lara?"
"I…I don't know. Just a girl who loves history, I guess." Alex chuckles slightly.
"Well I could have guessed that." His comment somehow causes me to give off a small smile in such a tense atmosphere. "But there is more to you than just that, and you don't even have to tell me, 'cause I know." I secretly cast my eyes sideways, thinking that there was no way he could know much beyond my passion for history.
"Lara," begins Alex, as he lifts my chin to make me face him. "You are incredible. You are so protective of those that are close to you, you're smart, trustworthy, and you kick ass. And on top of all of that you are so beautiful. You're beautiful and amazing, Lara." At this point in his little speech, I begin to tear up again. I've never heard anyone describe me so pleasantly. As my tears begin falling again, Alex embraces me.
"It's okay, L.C." Once again, I can't seem to calm down. I breathe fast and shudder within his arms. What on Earth is wrong with me? Why can't I keep it together anymore? Perhaps it's the embrace of someone who really cares; maybe I've needed this after having lost Roth. After all, it's no lie that I've isolated myself for a while since Yamatai, and, as a result, haven't had this kind of physical comfort since surviving. To say that I had avoided social interaction is an understatement; I made a calculated effort to stay indoors as much as possible. When Jonah had forced me out of my apartment to go see my therapist every week, I dodged glances, concealed my face by wearing my hood over my head, and barely even spoke to Jonah unless it was necessary to. Since then, I have opened up a little more, but still found that I was having issues with even accepting hugs, for I feared that once I let go, I would immediately lose that person one way or another. What was it that Reyes said back on the island? Ah yes, "Seems anyone caught with you has a pretty low survival rate." I hate that what she said is true…
After a few minutes in Alex's arms, he releases me and softly tells me to hold on. I watch as he pulls out his phone and fiddles with it for a moment. Within seconds, Alex has a calm melody playing. Too distracted by pain and confusion to really pick up what's happening, I let him gently pull me to my feet. He allows me to rest my head against his chest again. He holds one of my hands in his own, while his other hand holds the back of my head. I wrap my arm around his upper back to support myself. He begins to sway the both of us while whispering in my ear. Though his words are clear, I'm too distraught to take them in. My eyes begin to feel so heavy from fatigue and the amount of crying I had done tonight.
It takes a second, but I finally begin to feel myself rise out of despair, despite the emotional weight I still carry. I listen to the soothing combination of Alex's reassuring voice and the slow music, and I focus in on the movement of our hips together. I'm suddenly brought back into that therapist's office, back when he was discussing the concept of "grounding" to me, where one focuses in on his or her senses to bring oneself back to reality. This technique has never worked for me until now and because it was happening, I feel a smile of relief stretch across my face. Just when I thought that this alone was amazing, something unexpected happens: Alex plants a soft kiss on my forehead. I stop moving and let go and in turn, Alex stops with me.
"I'm so sorry, Lara, I didn't mean-" I interrupt his apology with an abrupt hug. I feel Alex's arms close around me again.
"Thank you, Alex," I say in a now steadier voice.
"No problem, L.C." We part, and both sit back down on my bed as the song comes to a close. Not much time passes before Alex says "I guess my dance career isn't over after all." We laugh together at this statement. He hesitates before lightly touching my shoulder.
"Feeling better?" I take a deep breath, still feeling the blood in my cheeks from that little surprise. I wipe away what's left of the tears on my cheeks.
"Yes. Thank you." Alex smiles and nods in understanding before rising to his feet.
"Well, if you need anything, you can call me, okay?"
"I will. Thanks, Alex." He nods once again before heading back out through my bedroom door. Something in me begins to not feel right again. Some sort of nagging emotion stirs within me. Like something is left unsaid or undone. Perhaps I just don't want him to go?
"Alex?" I say just before he disappears from sight. He pokes his head back in.
"Yes?"
"Would you like to stay for a movie?"
"Uh, sure," he responds, clearly caught off guard. "What movie did you have in mind?" I think for a moment.
"Have you ever seen Into the Wild?"
"I haven't. Any good?"
"I suppose," I say with a slight laugh. "I like it, at least."
"Well, let's see it!"
We proceed to head into the living room, where I grab the DVD and set it up. I ask Alex if he'd like any popcorn. He declines my offer and we both settle in on the couch as I start the movie. I'm not sure what made me want to watch this particular movie. Perhaps it's the beautiful scenery that surrounds the main character as she treks the long trail ahead. Or maybe it's what she learns about herself through her journey.
Regardless, I find that I repeatedly break my attention away from the movie, because Alex is sitting right next to me. I feel as though something is still missing in this picture. What more could I need right now? I've got nice person accompanying me who respects how I feel and the boundaries that I currently need. I've got someone here with me who doesn't judge me for how my past has affected me and doesn't blame me for what happened.
And then it hits me. I'm craving more of his warm embrace, more of his welcoming and even, dare I say it, loving touch. I want these things for once instead of avoiding them. I want to be close to him, physically and emotionally. But is this the right thing? Is it right for me to act on these feelings? I mean, within the last year, I lost Roth, my loving father figure and I still replay the death of Grim in my head, wondering endlessly which action of mine in that situation could have been different and how that difference could have saved his life. I love history and exploring it first-hand, but now I'm unable to even walk through a local park without imagining incoming danger. I interpret every strange noise at night as an intruder and every salesperson that approaches me in a store as an assailant. I haven't spoken to my best friend, Sam, in months, because she is dealing with trauma of her own after enduring so much on that island. My poor Sam…She would have died alone, surrounded by the cultists that were attempting to sacrifice her to the Sun Queen, had I not made it in time to save her. At least I got her off the island alive…but at what cost? She now struggles to live a day without having hallucinations of that awful ancient leader. And on top of all this, I left Alex to die alone and all he wanted was to help me by retrieving some tools from the wreckage he became trapped in. And he's not even upset in the slightest with me for leaving him behind.
So, what the hell gives me the right to accept his love and affection? I surely don't deserve it. Or do I? Am I just being too hard on myself, as Alex seems to have been suggesting? What if I'm making a mistake? Which choice would be the mistake?
"Lara, you okay?" I'm suddenly thrown back into the present and realize that I have been staring at the floor instead of the television. I look at Alex and try to mask the fact that I was just in deep thought by giving him a sheepish smile.
"Yes. I'm good." Alex smiles back and continues to watch the movie, though I can tell that I don't have him fooled. Though he is absorbed in the movie again, I keep my focus on him. The nagging coming from within grows stronger and I feel my heart pumping faster and faster until it is pretty much slamming up against my ribs as I contemplate the seemingly urgent thoughts racing through my head. It's a similar feeling to the one I get when I must make a considerably large jump across a gap while traversing in remote parts of the world. It doesn't take long for Alex to notice my fixation on him. He raises his eyebrows.
"You sure everything's alright?" Though he has a puzzled look on his face, something about the warm contrast to his deep blue eyes brings everything slowly to a halt.
"Yes," I reiterate, this time offering an attempt at a reassuring smile.
"Okay," he responds with another casual smile. We don't take our eyes off each other for a moment, until I shift so that I'm leaning into his chest with my head resting where his neck and shoulder meet. He responds to this by putting his arm around me, though hesitantly. I feel too shy in this moment to look up at him when we're like this, so I just begin watching the movie again. As each scene goes by, I feel more and more relaxed, yet feeling alive and energetic oddly enough. Almost as if I've been resting in darkness for so long that I've forgotten what it's like to feel the sun on my skin. And speaking of skin, I become astonished with myself when I feel the urge to caress Alex's neck with my lips. Where is this coming from?! A year ago, I could care less about affection. Back then, I only deeply cared about Roth, my father and his legacy, and discovering the world's deepest secrets. And now I've grown to care about this man enough to want to lay sweet kisses on him for the sake of expressing how I feel?! Am I being a fool for allowing us to get close after losing so much throughout my life?
Thankfully, the credits finally roll, and my mind is freed of these random impulses when Alex gets up to stretch. He faces me.
"I liked the movie, Lara. Good pick." He lifts his jacket from the couch and slides into it. "I'd love to stay and talk about it since we were both pretty quiet during the movie, but it's getting pretty late. I better get going."
"Right," I reply neutrally, picking up on Alex's unusually stiff demeanor. I stand up to see him out. He looks as though he's kicking imaginary stones as we head for the door. Upon reaching it, Alex gives me another hug.
"Remember to call if you need to, okay?" I hug him back.
"I shall." We release each other and before leaving, Alex seems to waver. He takes a second, glances at me, and then makes his move for the doorknob. I begin to panic for some reason. "Damn it, Lara. Just do it!" screams a voice in the back of my head. Before I could stop myself, I obey the voice, and grab the back of Alex's head, pulling him down so his lips could meet mine at last. I feel myself pouring out all the emotions I have been holding so dearly to me. Everything I have felt and denied feeling up to this point is now being presented to Alex through the movement of my lips. It lasts for a few sweet seconds until I feel him grab my shoulders and pull me away from him. Hands still on me, he looks at me and shifts his gaze to the floor. The relief and passion within me dissipates and all that is left is this odd, uncomfortable feeling. I couldn't bear the silence for another second.
"Alex?" He takes a moment to breathe.
"I was trying so hard not to do that same thing to you." His gaping mouth twists into a smile as he still looks down. He fixes his eyes back on me and I notice that his smile disappears. My heart hangs on the edge of its seat, waiting anxiously for his next words. Alex clears his throat and releases my shoulders finally.
"Lara. That was incredible. All of this was incredible." My heart begins to sink; I can feel a "but" coming. Alex faces me at last.
"I love you and have for a long time. But you're in a vulnerable place right now and I just don't want to take care of you in the wrong way." I suddenly become flushed with confusion.
"Take care of me in the wrong way?"
"I don't really know how to explain it in a way that makes sense…like when I look at you when you're upset, I just want to comfort you and be there for you, but then I have thoughts of kissing you and doing more to show you how I feel about you. And I don't mean that as a way for me to…you know. I respect you, Lara. I just mean that I hate seeing you blame yourself and I want to show you that you are the best and that you deserve to be shown that." The fog inside my head begins to clear the more he explains. On the other hand, Alex still appears to be conflicted.
"I understand what you mean, Alex. Thank you."
"Yeah…I just don't want to take things too far. Especially if you aren't sure about how you feel towards me."
"I do have feelings for you, Alex. I meant what I said. I just was afraid to show it since the day we reconnected. I've lost so much, and I get afraid that if I get too close to you that I'll lose you too." A silent moment comes and goes, followed by a reassuring smile from me. "Think I just needed to take that leap of faith," I point out, referring to the kiss I plunged us into. Alex laughs and shakes his head.
"I didn't know that the action of leaping for you applied to anything else beyond flinging yourself across cliffsides and in and out of collapsing temples." I join him in laughing.
"What can I say? Jumping straight into dangerous situations is a specialty of mine," I reply. Alex was always so good at casually sliding a little humor into our conversations, something I usually lack in. As the light mood settles back into the eerie silence, Alex pipes up again.
"Since the day we reconnected then, huh? It wasn't because I literally sacrificed my life for you was it?" He asks sincerely, despite the goofy smile that appears on his face, which causes me to smile yet again.
"No. I mean, well, that may have something to do with part of it. But I think you are really funny and confident and smart. And just so pleasant to be around upon getting to know you. I guess I just didn't get the chance to really get to know you at first, nor did I know that you would do something of that caliber for me, giving me a chance to escape like that. Honestly, I just sort of misjudged you and I'm sorry about that." Alex shrugs.
"You wouldn't be the first," says Alex in a humorous manner. "Reyes just about wanted to take my head off half the time. Though I can't say I blame her. I did accidentally hit on her daughter." I smirk at the mere thought of this incident and lean against the door.
"But in all seriousness," he continues, "I do know what you probably thought of me when we first met on the ship. At first glance, I'm this nerdy guy who's obsessed with technology and comic books. And honestly that's true. But there's so much more I value deep down beyond all that stuff I enjoy. I love and admire the independence you have, but sometimes I think you need to let yourself depend on other people so that you have a break from carrying the load. And I would love to be that guy for you. To carry you when you can't walk anymore. I know how much you love to travel and I would love to be your companion. Want to know my favorite part about traveling? It's not toying with radars and signals. It's actually getting to see exotic animals and environments. And you know what else? I-"
"Shut up, Alex," I cut in, pulling him into another kiss. This time, I'm the first to pull away. I take a step back with a wide grin spread across my face.
"Yes ma'am," Alex says quietly with a matching grin on his face as his cheeks change color slightly. "So how do you feel about joining me for dinner tomorrow night?" I draw closer. Alex appears internally nervous; though he's still smiling, I can see it in his eyes, as he awaits my response.
"That would be great." Alex's grin widens. He shifts his stance.
"I'll give you a fair warning L.C.: with my classy side, comes my nerdy side. That means going on dates to see superhero movies."
"I wouldn't have expected otherwise," I reply, giggling. Alex smiles again, this time with deep affection. He gently reduces the space between us and gives me a kiss before speaking again. I feel weak in the knees at this moment. "For real, Lara?" I think to myself, "An army of supernatural Samurai warriors can't take you down, but this can?"
"I'll pick you up tomorrow evening at 7." I move so he can open the door at last. "I'd tell you to stop me if I'm ever crossing any boundaries with you as we begin to go on dates, but I expect I'll know when you begin kicking my ass for it. I've seen what you can do." His comment makes me bust out laughing.
"Damn right, Weiss."
"I'll call you," Alex responds just as the door closes. As soon as I hear it click, I breathe in the air around me to my lungs' full capacity and release it all through a single exhale. As I begin to settle back into bed, I realize how restless I'm feeling due to all the excitement, confusion, the leftover anxieties still swirling within me. "Relax, Lara," I assert internally, "Everything is going to be okay. There's no need to be afraid of these feelings anymore. Just take your time with things." I pull my covers over me and smile, thinking of each kiss that was shared tonight. I close my eyes and embrace the darkness as my consciousness eventually slips away…Only the sunrise will reveal what's to come.
The End