I remember the first time I saw his face. The first time I smelt his scent. The first time I heard his voice.
---
"Mum! Look, we have new neighbours!" I shouted up the stairs. I ran excitedly to the front window, carefully pulled the curtain back and peeked through. Boxes swarmed the front lawn. I saw him, for the first time then. His golden hair lay across his left eye, exposing his other bright blue eye. I didn't see the surroundings properly, my eyes still fixed on his beauty.
"Why don't you introduce yourself?" my mum shouted back, interrupting my trance.
I grabbed my jacket and tried to think of a suitable greeting, just to be able to talk to him. 'Hi I'm Hannah!' No, too cheesy. 'Hello, what's your name?' No, too formal. 'Hi.' Perfect.
I flew down the front porch, onto his garden, nearly tripping over cardboard boxes and stumbled at his feet.
"Hi", I breathed, looking up at his brilliant eyes, capturing my full attention.
"Dougie", he answered, knowing my question before I even asked it. That's the way it has always been.
---
Even now, after knowing him for 3 years, I can never get over his beauty. His voice always the one I need to hear down the phone, his scent always needed to help me fall asleep. He was always there for me. He was my best friend.
---
"Doug", I squealed, squirming on his bed. His warm hands tickled my sides, making me wriggle.
He stopped and looked down at me. I looked up at his face, staring down at me.
He laughed his breath taking laugh and flopped next to me. His breathing slowed to a relaxed pace. Our breathing. I turned my head to look at him, and found him staring at the ceiling, a puzzled look of his face.
"What you thinking?" I asked him, looking at the ceiling myself.
"About that conversation we had the other day, about camels."
I laughed, remembering the randomness. We always talked about irrelevant stuff that made no sense to anyone, but we understood. We always understood each other.
---
"Forever?" I asked, my heart pounding.
His smile, showing his pure white teeth, glittering in the darkness.
"Forever", he agreed.
---
"Still up for tonight?" I wondered down the phone.
"Of course." He said, as though it was obvious.
Later that evening, I found myself sitting in Starbucks, across a table from him. We were drinking our third refreshment, still chatting. I stared at his blue eyes and everything seemed perfect at that moment. Small butterflies, barely noticeable, fluttered around in my stomach and I found myself not being able to tear my eyes from him. This was not a feeling I was used to.
"You okay?" he asked, interrupting his story.
"Of course", I lied. How could I admit I was falling for my best friend, and possibly ruin everything.
He placed his glowing hand on my pale cheek and turned my head to look at him.
"I know when my best friend isn't okay, you can tell me. I'll always be there for you".
"Forever?" I asked, my heart pounding.
"Forever", he agreed.
---
"This is for you". He took my hand and placed his hand on top. He opened his palm up, and I saw a small silver heart attached to a long chain.
"Wow", I stared at it. "It's... wow", words couldn't describe it. It wasn't the beauty of the pendant, but the fact he had given it to me. He had thought about me.
I snaked my arms around his neck.
"Thank you", I whispered into his ear. He hugged me tighter as if he never wanted to let go.
---
I crashed back on my bed, exhausted and fell into a deep sleep. I dreamt about him that night. Dreams are incredible, you have your own world where everything is perfect in your eyes and nothing can go wrong. Except when you wake up.
I squeezed my eyes shut trying to encourage myself to go back to sleep. I wanted this dream to leave me alone, to stop following me. Tears trickled down my cheeks as I sat up. I was being stupid now, why was I crying?
I remembered my dream. He was staring at me, as though mesmerised by me. He looked into my eyes and grabbed my hand. His hand, still holding mine, wound round his neck and dropped my hand there. His other hand found my neck and his eyes flickered down to my lips. He tilted his head and started to move closer.
In the space of a few seconds, he was gone. My hands reached out, grabbing nothing but air. I ran, trying to find him, but my legs wouldn't move. I saw him ahead of me, I tried to make my legs move, but they were paralyzed. I tripped, hoping for him to catch me, but he wasn't there.
More tears streamed from my tired eyes, and I furiously wiped them away with my sleeve. It was only a dream, I told myself, only a dream.
---
The first time we kissed is engraved in my memory forever. How perfect, yet so out of place. We stood in the laundrette, in complete silence, watching his clothes roll round and round.
"Can I kiss you?" he suddenly asked. As if he had to ask. My head snapped up and looked at his innocent expression. He cupped my face in his hands and leant down. As I said, so out of place.
His soft lips pressed against mine and my heart surged forward.
"Breathe", he chuckled in my ear. "Sorry about that. I couldn't help myself."
"It was perfect", I muttered, smiling against his lips.
---
We knew so well; we knew each other inside out. That's why we fit so perfectly together. Like two puzzle pieces, meant to be. We were always meant to be, he just didn't realise it.
"Do you love me?" he asked, suddenly, out of the blue.
"Of course I do", as though it was obvious.
"No, I mean do you love me, properly?" he corrected himself.
My heart pounded. Should I tell him the truth, that I had fallen for my best friend?
"Yes." I whispered, so quietly that I didn't think he would hear me.
"Good." His lips found mine and pressed lightly against them. We were obviously meant to be. Like two puzzle pieces, I reminded myself, smiling into his lips.
---
Sometimes happiness is hard to find. It can be right there in front of you, reachable, and then disappear the next.
---
She was really pretty. Like a model, except she wasn't.
She was sitting on his lap, her bronze arms curled around his neck. It seemed like she had her mouth permanently fused onto his body. It made me sick to watch. I knew he felt the same way about me, he had told me, but he wanted that 'thing' instead.
My heart felt as if it had been ripped out of my chest, stabbed, and then thrown on the floor to be stamped on. Her orange face looked over at me, and then resumed with Dougie. I couldn't stand this torture any longer, so I got up and rushed out of the room, escaping the pain.
I didn't stop until I reached the park. I sat down in my usual spot, where we used to come in the summer months, just to chat.
"I'm sorry", I heard a small voice, out of breath.
I didn't look up. Tears streamed down my face. I closed my eyes and felt his hand stroke the droplets away. He sat himself next to me and kissed my cheek. Even though he had broken my heart, he was still my best friend, and I loved him. I had to stop pretending my feelings; I had to tell the truth.
"I love you Doug", I whispered. "More than just friends."
"I love you too", his lips sighed.
As though it was obvious.
---