A/N: This fic has some spots of very weird formatting, all done intentionally. It's mostly bits of Canada's monologues, intentionally formatted to look like conversations, Prussia's two poems, and forum posts.

-...-

Lady Armageddon
2010-03-09 08:55 pm (local) (link)
Hey, America! Glad to see you're working on your laugh. It's so depressing, most wannabes these days think just doing random acts of evil and making an ass of themselves will earn them the title of supervillain. But it's the classics that set the supervillain apart from the psychopath. It always makes me happy when I see a classical villain. Oh, and try this website [link] for some good theatrical laugh tips.

America
2010-03-11 10:56 am (local) (link)
Thanks, Armageddon. I tried some of the tips with my coach yesterday, and she said I was "greatly improved". Yay!

Ah, the classics really do give supervillains their panache, huh?

-.

evil "genius" my foot
2sly4U
2010-03-09 09:42 pm (local) (link)
hey, genius! where are the gold bars you were supposed to pull out of that bank vault with your transmatter ray? obviously it failed or it would be in the papers.

Re: evil "genius" my foot
America
2010-03-11 11:01 am (local) (link)

Wow, sarcasm! How original.

...

Anyways, they wouldn't be saying anything in the press, but check this out.

[image:smellslikecumin]

That's the bouillon... er, bullion. The process is still a little... uh, the molecules shifted on the way. It's not about making money, anyways. It's about upsetting the status quo. The world is a mess, and I just need to... rule it.

-.

Bad_Horse_rules!
2010-03-09 11:03 pm (local) (link)
Cool, man! League membership will be yours this year for sure! What's the Freeze Ray you keep talking about?

America
2010-03-11 11:05 am (local) (link)
Well, I'm hopefully. That letter of condemnation from the deputy mayor is really a boost this year. So, thanks, Tim.

The freeze ray should stop time, once I get the phlebotinum I need to fuel it.

-.

WTH DUDE?
JohnnySnow
2010-03-09 12:54 am (local) (link)
america, i c u r ones again afraid 2 d obattle w/ur nemisis, i w8d dooly park 4 45 mins. 4 u. WHt gives?

Re: WTH DUDE?
America
2010-03-11 11:08 am (local) (link)
"Dude", you are not my nemesis. My real nemesis is that idiot Poland. He dislocated my shoulder… again. Last week.

Look, I'm just trying to change the world. I don't have time for a grudge match with every poser in a parka. Besides, there are kids in that park.

-.

LiechtensteinGirl
2010-03-10 07:30 am (local) (link)
Hello, America~ I must say, I admire you for wanting to change things in politics. If you ran for a government position in my area I would certainly vote for you.

America
2010-03-11 11:10 am (local) (link)
Thanks, uh, Liechtenstein, but I'm tired of the government. If we want to make things better, we have to do it by ourselves, away from the self-running bureaucracy.

-.

DeadnotSleeping
2010-03-10 08:29 pm (local) (link)
Long-time watcher, first time commenter, I'm a huge fan of this blog and I completely agree with you, this government is a joke.

Hey, you always say in your blog that you will "show her the way", show "her" you're a true villain. Who is "her" and does she even know you're alive?

-.

Canada stared blankly at the screen, his response still untyped. Truth be told, he wasn't entirely sure what to say about her. He could hardly convey exactly how he felt about her without sounding soft, and softness was exactly what he had wanted to avoid when he created his pseudonym of "America". He'd been successful for the most part, able to brazenly speak his mind in his videos and rants (replying to comments was something different entirely, but he did try his best to be polite).

But DeadnotSleeping's question had already gotten to him. Canada considered saying that he knew her from the nearby Laundromat. He'd seen her there, sorting her sweaters, and found her pretty. A little observation told him that she was friendly enough as well, albeit easily moved to tears and constantly wringing her hands in worry. She also seemed rather shy, and did not initiate conversations very often. Canada could sympathise there. He had the same problem, being shy and apparently not distinct enough.

But saying how she made him feel? Canada couldn't do that. Around her, he felt like a fool. Kind of sick, like he had special needs. Soon, though, that wouldn't matter. When his freeze ray was done he'd be able to commit any act of evil he wanted, certainly, but he could use it to stop time in the Laundromat as well. And if he did that, perhaps he could finally get the courage to finally talk to her.

And if he spoke with her, perhaps he could show her he was the one she wanted. That was the plan anyways, to rule the world side-by-side with her. Together, they could make time stand still and change the world for the better. The world he wanted would be at their feet.

Canada was disturbed out of his fantasy by someone coming through the door. He left it unlocked while he was home, feeling trapped when he locked himself in his apartment. There was only one person who would come in anyways, and that was his henchman/friend Korea.

"Good morning!" Korea said brightly. He smiled and walked straight towards Canada, holding his mail. It had been a habit he developed, stealing the key to Canada's mailbox and then leaving stuff inside it like bricks and water balloons and very small rocks. Eventually, he had decided he should just bring the mail and the bricks up to Canada so he could see his friend's reaction to the mail. Then Korea had discovered carrying a brick up three floors was difficult and tiresome, and so he stopped bringing things other than Canada's mail upstairs.

"Good morning," Canada replied absently, logging off. "What's going on?"

"Life of crime," Korea replied happily. He handed over the mail and Canada carefully started going through it.

"Didn't you go on a date last night?" he asked. (Electric bill, flier for a self-confidence seminar, flier for the nearby grocery store…) "Thailand mentioned you were going on a double date with two girls."

"Yeah…" Korea said glumly. Canada prompted him, and he continued, "It was with Hungary and Belarus."

"Oh. I saw Ukraine today," he added, trying to distract Korea from what must have been some miserable memories. His friend, while very cheerful and enthusiastic, had trouble keeping his hands to himself when he was around girls.

"Did you talk to her yet?" Korea asked, perking up at the mention of Canada's own miserable love life.

"So close," Canada hissed. "I think I'm only a few weeks away from a real audible connection." Korea sighed, exasperated. Then Canada muttered, "Oh my god."

"Is it from the League?"

"It's from him, here's his seal," he replied, showing Korea the Iron Cross imprinted onto a black wax seal. Korea gibbered a little, and Canada stared speechlessly. He had a letter from Prussia himself.

Heart pounding, he slowly opened the letter, uncertainly thinking that perhaps it would simply explode or something. Prussia was an incredible villain, but he was not known for being sensible and controlled. But the envelope clearly held no explosives, because Canada was able to pull the letter out unharmed. It said:

Hey kid,
I saw the application
That you just sent in
It needs evaluation
So let the games begin.
Show us that you're evil
Any way you can.
Cause a great upheaval
Or display an evil plan.
And if so inclined,
Kill a man or two.
I do it to unwind.
Who cares if it's taboo?
The Evil League of Evil
Is watching, so beware.
The grade that you receive
Will be your last, we swear.
So make the Great Me happy,
Or you'll become my glitch.
Do something, make it snappy,
We don't care which.

Signed,
Prussia.

"A poem?" Korea said in disbelief. Canada wasn't listening.

"This is great," he whispered. "I'm about to pull a major heist. You remember, the phlebotinum I need for the freeze ray? They're transporting it tomorrow."

"Armoured car?" Korea suggested. He didn't want to think about the last time the two of them had gotten tangled in the messy business of armoured cars and tanks. Then again, he didn't want to think about tanks at all. Not after what England and Russia had done.

"Courier van," Canada corrected. "Candy from a baby." Not that he would ever steal candy from a baby. He was evil, not an asshole.

"You need your henchman? Or one of my inventions?" Korea asked. It was true that he was an inventor in his spare time, but Canada would never call his inventions great innovations that would improve the lives of humanity. So he was glad when he could honestly say "no" this time.

"Sorry, but the League is watching. I need to do this one alone."

-...-

Ukraine stood on a sidewalk in front of an abandoned building. There was a heap of trash bags only a few feet to her right, but a little discomfort wouldn't stop her from trying to gather signatures.

"Would you lend a caring hand to shelter those who need it?" she asked a man as he walked purposefully past. A woman was coming from the opposite direction, so she tried again. "Only have to sign your name, don't even have to read it." People weren't listening to her. She'd just have to try again.

-...-

Only a few blocks away, Canada was staking out the area. He was in a back alley, holding a duffel bag that had all his supplies necessary for the heist. The courier van was only a short distance away. He rummaged through his duffel and found some binoculars. Peering through them, he saw the driver leaving the van to go get the phlebotinum. A smile crossed Canada's face. He was just in time.

He put the binoculars away and found a small cylindrical device in the bottom of his bag. He held it carefully and tossed it towards the van. Between the facts it was very light and highly magnetic, the cylinder practically floated towards the van and stuck to the top of it. Another smile.

Finally, Canada found his remote, stuck in the middle of his lab coat disguise. He clicked away at it until the cylinder and remote were communicating and he had gotten control of the van. He punched the "gas" button and was delighted to hear the van start up.

Suddenly, a voice from behind him asked quite loudly, "Would you lend a caring hand?"

Except, he couldn't hear the last bit of the question in his startled yelp. The speaker squeaked in shock and jumped back a little. Canada turned to face her and immediately his shock increased exponentially. Ukraine was here. Talking to him. Initiating a conversation. All he could manage out was a "what".

"Oh, um, if I could just get…" she trailed off and began to smile. "Oh, I know you, don't I?"

"Ah, hello. You know me? Cool- I mean, yeah, I think you do," Canada said. He was reeling. She knew him? All these years he'd been told he was rather unremarkable and difficult to notice and she knew him? He was starting to go into a very un-manly tizzy just thinking about it.

"From the Laundromat?" Ukraine asked carefully. Her smile was still in place, but now with a mix of uncertainty.

"Wednesdays and Saturdays except twice a month you skip the weekend," Canada said before he could stop himself. Halfway through he realised he sounded like a stalker. And that was… bad. Sure, he'd been carefully observing her habits, but it wasn't stalking. He hoped. Either way, he had to fix it. "Or, if that was you…" he added in a mumbled. "It could've been, uh, someone else… I mean, I've seen you…" Ukraine's smile was fading and she was starting to look confused. "I'm Canada," he finally said. At least there he was on mostly solid ground.

"I'm Ukraine," she replied, holding out her hand with a fresh grin. Canada almost reached out for a moment, then realised he couldn't just let go of his remote. He clicked a few more buttons to make sure the connection was maintained and Ukraine pulled back her hand. She looked a little wounded, and Canada promised himself that when he was finally in the League he would make this up to her. He hated being rude, but this was a necessary evil. "What are you doing?" she finally asked.

"Texting," he lied quickly. "It's very important, or I would stop. What're you doing?" Yes, best to keep her attention elsewhere.

"Actually, I'm out here doing volunteer work for the Caring Hands shelter. Could you spare a minute?" She sounded more confident and Canada's pulse skipped a beat. As much as she was cute when she was being sweet and unassuming, he was quickly finding that her being forward was much more appealing.

He turned to the van. The driver still wasn't back and there was no one around but the two of them. Would he have enough time? He tried to quickly measure the pros and cons. "Okay, go."

"Um, we're helping to open a new location, trying to expand our effort. And there's a great building nearby that the city just wants to demolish and turn into a parking lot. But, if we get enough signatures-"

"Signatures?" Canada scoffed. It was quiet, but enough to stop Ukraine's speech. He wasn't really sure how to elaborate on his comment. A few years ago, when he would only go so far as committing the very least of necessary evils for the benefit of society, he'd tried signature-collecting and petition-holding, only for his cause to be ignored by the municipal government and apathetic public. The memory was not one Canada liked, even if it had spurred him on to create his "America" persona and become seriously invested in the world of evil.

"I'm sorry, go on," he said sincerely.

"Well, maybe we can convince the city to donate the building to us instead." She was still talking, but Canada was getting sidetracked. The connection between the remote and device was starting to get choppy, and he really needed to restore it. Ukraine cut through his thoughts again.

"Are you actually interested in the homeless?" she asked.

"No, no, I am," Canada replied. "But they're a symptom, and no one's addressing the disease that's taking over society. The fish rots from the head, so why don't we just cut off the head?"

"Of the human race?"

Canada blushed. "It's not a perfect metaphor," he admitted. "I just think, we should overhaul the system. Give other people the power."

"Oh, well, that's good, too," Ukraine said. There was a moment of silence. "This petition is just about the building."

"I'd love to sign," Canada replied, taking the pen she offered. He came in close to place his signature on the clipboard. "Sorry, I just… am really passionate about some things."

"Well, you signed," Ukraine replied. Now there was a genuine, thankful smile on her face. She did seem to smile a lot, despite their interesting conversation. It was a very pretty smile.

"I don't want to turn my back on someone in need," Canada replied. Ukraine was saying something in reply, but his remote had just started squawking at him. The driver was returning, holding the briefcase of phlebotinum. He mentally cussed. Why'd she have to come by now? He vaguely heard her saying something that sounded like a goodbye.

"No, I will-" he began to say. But she was probably already out of earshot. "She talked to me," he sighed, glancing at his remote. "Why'd it have to be now?"

Canada looked towards Ukraine. She was still walking away, but if he really wanted to he could follow her and try and strike up a better conversation. As long as they avoided social issues, he was certain any discussions they had would go along swimmingly.

But America turned away. "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do," he reminded himself softly. "You don't plan a plan without following through." He strode away with confident steps, smirking. This would be an easy heist, and when he was finished he could make the final touches on his freeze ray, get into the Evil League of Evil, and prove to Ukraine he could be a true villain. He would make social reform when he finally got into power, and he would give his little activist every homeless shelter she wanted.

"All that matters is taking matters into your own hands," America said, changing into his long lab coat and setting his goggles on top of his head. He tugged on his heavy gloves and hummed cheerfully to himself. "Soon I'll control everything, and my wish will be your command."

He activated the remote and set the carrier van driving away. The security guard who was supposed to be driving the van chased after it, but it was clearly too late. America switched on the camera to see where the van was going. Suddenly, the whole thing jostled, as if something had landed on it. America immediately knew who it was.

"Stand back everyone, nothing here to see!" Poland shouted from his position atop the moving van. "Just danger, and in the middle of it, me! Yup, Poland's here, fabulous hair blowing in the breeze! The day just needs some of my day-savingness!" He crushed the device on the van with his fist.

"No!" America shouted, running from his safe position in the back alley as his connection was abruptly cut off. Poland was indeed on top of the van, shouting about how a man had to do what a man had to do. The van, suddenly uncontrolled, began to swerve as the device sent broken orders to the vehicle.

Poland had jumped off of the van entirely, and was hitting on a girl. The van abruptly turned into an alleyway while Canada pounded the brake. The camera suddenly came back online, and in the distorted image America could see Ukraine getting rapidly closer and closer. His heart nearly stopped completely. Poland jumped in and shoved Ukraine away just as the connection was made again and the brake activated.

"Idiot!" America shouted, running up to Poland.

"America, I should've guessed. Don'tcha, y'know, have a hobby or somethin'?"

Canada ignored the question completely. "You almost killed her."

"Yeeeah… no."

He was about to ask for Ukraine's well-being when Poland wrapped one strong hand around his throat. For all of Poland's airheadedness and utterly bizarre manner of speech, he was still endowed with super-strength and knew how to use it.

"I think it's curtains for you, America. The lacy kind." Canada looked distinctly confused for a moment, but before Poland could do anything else Ukraine started climbing out of the heap of trash bags.

"Th-thank you so much," she said timidly. She tripped over a bag and squeaked. A smile was beginning to cross Poland's face as he watched Ukraine. He absently smacked Canada's head against the hood of the van a few times, but it was not nearly as violent as usual. Ukraine was blushing, seemingly oblivious to Canada's presence.

"Don't worry about it," Poland dismissed. He made a grand gesture and flung Canada away. "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!"

Canada just leaned on the van, heaving for breath. When he finally looked at them he demanded, "Are you kidding?" Poland was being his ridiculous, grandiose self, and Ukraine seemed utterly enraptured. "What heist were you watching?"

Poland was just ignoring him. "Seems like destiny wanted me to save you." She smiled timidly, and Poland took two steps forward. He seemed to be taking in just how pretty Ukraine was, and it made Canada sick.

"Stop looking at her like that," he said. He was duly ignored. Remembering the phlebotinum in the back, Canada went to retrieve it. "Didn't you notice that he threw you in the garbage?" he grumbled bitterly. Once he had the phlebotinum in hand he saw them through the front window. They appeared to be flirting. But, Canada wanted to say, I stopped the van. The remote control was in my hands. Whatever, he would deal with the problem later.