Aaaaaand I'm starting a new one again. Ever since JC the corn's 'Endless possibilities for Jaune arc', I've wanted to do something like that. And since recently I saw other people writing their own versions of that fic with a permission from JC himself, I decided why not take a shot at it myself. And yeah, I got permission from JC, so don't worry about that.
Unlike the rest of the authors, I'm gonna focus on having them react more to comedy, parody, mindf*ck things, but I'm open to more serious stuff as well. I dunno how this will go since it's my first time writing a reaction fic like that, so I'm open to constructive criticism.
Also, unlike the rest, this fic will NOT be a sequel to 'Endless possibilities for Jaune Arc' or any of the other fics, inspired by it. So team RWBY and co will never have been teleported previously in this fic.
RWBY and Bullshit evolved belong to their respectful owners.
"Aaaaaaaaah" RWBY, NPR, Glynda and Ozpin screamed as they fell down from a sudden teleportation.
"Get off me!" Weiss said as she pushed Ruby off of her. They all stood up to see that they were in some kind of room they never were in before.
"Where the hell are we? What the hell even happened?" Yang asked as she felt her eyes go red from the confusion.
"Yang, shut up." Blake tried to shut her up.
"No way. I want my ans-"
"Really, SHUT UP!" Blake put her hand on Yang's mouth. As it went quiet they heard a snoring sound, coming from a nearby couch, which back was facing them.
"There's somebody there." Ruby whispered. They moved around the couch to see a long haired person lying on the couch with his feet crossed on the table, snoring loudly. On the table was a giant pyramid, made of beer cans.
"Whoever he is, he sure does snore louder than Yang." Weiss said.
"Naah, I snore louder." Nora said with pride.
"I don't think this is something you should be proud of, Nora." Ren deadpanned
"Well, we should wake him up. He might know something." Blake suggested.
"Good idea." Ruby moved to shake him awake, but in the process, knocked down the entire beer pyramid.
"Oh sh*t woman. God damn. I took a day off. I ain't going back. Johnny was being a d*ck and deleting all my p*rn. What was I supposed to do? Work?" The man complained in his half asleep state. The others reached for their weapons, only to find out that none of them had their weapons with them. When reality finally set in he down at the scattered beer cans and sighed. "Oh man, I spend hours doing that."
"Oh I'm sorry." Ruby apologized, backing away. "I was wondering if you can tell us where we are."
"Oh right. Well you guys are at my realm. Pretty comfy, heh? Wait? Who the f*ck are you guys?" The man asked them.
"Watch your tongue." Glynda stepped forward and threatened. The man however gave her a 'you f*cking kidding me' expression, completely unfazed by her threat.
"You f*cking kidding me, woman? It's bad enough I have to censor all my sweet lovely profanity to keep this sh*t T rated. But now you want me to 'watch my tongue'? No way, jose!" The man complained. Glynda growled at the disrespectful stranger and attempted to lift him with her semblance, only to find that she couldn't.
"Oh what's that?" He grinned evilly "heheheh. Too f*cking bad for you, cuz. *ahem* YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE! HAHAHAHAHAHHA!" He cracked up like a madman. The others also tried and realized they couldn't access their semblances. After a few seconds, the man's laughter died down as he stared at them. "Man, I always wanted to say that, among other things. Now, who the f*ck are you g-. Oh wait. Right. Your team Rugby and friends, aren't ya?"
"It's team RWBY and yes, we are. How do you know about us?" Ruby asked.
"Yeah, I remember. I wanted to bring y'all here and so I started the summoning process yesterday. It took a long *ss time though, Jesus Christ. Anyway, you may call me Marca and you are here to watch and react to stuff." Marca explained.
"Watch and react to stuff." dumbfounded Blake asked.
"Yeah. More specifically, watch and react to different universe versions of your sweet and charming Casanova. The one and only: JAUNE AAAAAAAAAAAARRCC!" Marca shouted, raising his hands in the air.
"Jaune? JAUNE! Where is he?" Pyrrha ghasped.
"Back at Bacon. Didn't summon him here as it would have ruined the moment." Marca said, snapping his finger to summon a couple more big couches. "Anyway, enjoy and have fun." He hurriedly said before anyone could open their mouths, snapped his finger and disappeared.
"Hey wait. How do we get out of he-." Yang asked, but was too late as he was already gone. "Great. What do we do now?"
"I don't see any doors or windows." Pyrrha said looking around the room. "No way out."
a large TV screen suddenly materialized in front of the couches.
"I guess we have no other choice, but to compline and watch. Maybe he will teleport us back after we're done." Blake suggested. Everyone sat around the couches.
The screen showed the inside of what appeared to be a courtroom, where a court is in session.
"They're in court? Did Jaune do something?" Pyrrha started to worry.
"I doubt it. He might be a dense idiot, who never accepted 'no' as an answer, but he wouldn't do something that would end with him in court." Weiss tried to assure her.
"I-I don't… touch boys… I'd-" Stuttered a weird looking nervous man with a massive bow tie
"Whats wrong with his bow? Why is it so big?" Ruby shouted in disbelief.
"I dunno, but it strangely suits him." Yang said.
"Also, what in touching boys would be so bad?" Ruby obliviously asked. Everyone looked at her like she's grown a second head.
"I'll tell you when youre 42." Yang told her.
"At least it's not Jaune standing there." Ren pointed out.
before being brutally cut off by a loud "OBJECTION!". The camera focused on the one who shouted, revealing our favorite resident blonde knight, wearing a blue suit with a pink tie and his blonde hair combed backwards.
They stared in disbelief.
"… the dunce is his defense attorney? Who in their right mind would hire him?" Slack jawed Weiss asked.
"What's a defense attorney?" Ruby asked.
"It's the good gentleman that bails you out of trouble when you spend a night randomly trashing night clubs, along with owners' nuts." Yang answered. "But hell do they cost and arm. Anyway, Noodle boy looks pretty slick here, Mama Yang approves" She gave the screen two thumbs up.
He slammed his hands on the defense bench in front of him. "Yeah you do. I can see it in your eyes." Jaune said, pointing accusing finger at the man.
"um, isn't he supposed to be defending him like Weiss said?" Ruby asked.
"Uuum, Jaune. You're defending this guy." Said Ozpin, who was apparently the judge.
"Oh no." Glynda grimaced. "You were always awful as a judge."
"Glynda, I am shocked." Ozpin faked having his feelings hurt.
"Have you seen his eyes. They're so majestical." Jaune said, having hearts in his eyes, before another loud "OBJECTION!" was heard.
"My eyes are way cooler. As they shoot lasers." said a redheaded faunus with bull horns and a futuristic looking laser mask covering his eyes, who was standing behind the prosecutor bench across of Jaune's and holding a cup of coffee in one hand.
"A-A-Adam." Wide eyed Blake stuttered.
"Ooooh, I love his mask. I want a mask like that. Just imagine me shooting lasers out of my eyes." Ruby fangirled.
"Even better, make it lasers, shaped like wings." Nora added.
"That mask. This must be one of those White Fang terrorists." Weiss said.
"Even worse, he's the leader of the Vale branch. He was my partner." Blake revealed.
"… Forget what I said about Jaune being a defense attorney. Who in their right mind would hire one of those imbeciles, and a leader no less, as the prosecutor?" Weiss said.
"HOLD IT! Who the hell is this guy?" Jaune asked.
"I'm the executioner." Adam replied.
"Executioner? D-don't you mean prosecutor?" Jaune asked.
"Well, Adam is not wrong, unfortunately." Blake commented.
"OBJECTION!" Adam shouted, sipping his coffee and smirking "This dude doesn't even have a laser face. What a b*tch."
"Weeell, now that you've all got acquainted, let's go on with this case you know, so… what's your name sir?" Ozpin shut them up before addressing the weird man.
"My-my name is Fundels. And…" Fundels brought up a small pupped, attached to his arm "this is my puppet… His name is Giggles… And we-we like to touch boys the-"
"OBJECTION! This isn't a puppet-show. Go elsewhere with your antics." Jaune said.
"Didn't he say earlier that he doesn't 'touch boys'." Ren asked.
"I know, right? This dude is awkward as hell. And not in a good way." Yang commented.
"I knew there was something wrong with that man the minute I saw him. And to think that Mr. Arc will be defending him. This will be a terrible catastrophe." Glynda said.
"Well, he's certainly doing a great job so far." Weiss words dripped with sarcasm.
"But… I always keep my puppet with me... He keeps me strong." Fundels said.
"HOLD IT! I think the puppet is afraid…of you…, touching none other than... Little boys." Adam smirked as he brought his mug to his lips and had just started slurping when Jaune interrupted him with another "HOLD IT!" "You just gonna interrupt my coffee drinking like that?" Adam asked, glaring at Jaune.
"He sure loves his coffee." Ruby said. "Reminds me of a certain headmaster."
"His glare looks like it will burn a hole right through Jaune's face. Quite literally." Ren deadpanned.
"Eeeeeh no worries. He and his legs stand no chance against our fearless leader Jauney." Nora cheered.
"Yeah I-" Jaune was sweating a bit.
"That's-that's how you gonna… that's how you gonna do this?" Adam continued to glare at Jaune, his mask somehow steaming.
"I-I mean… I can drink coffee too." Jaune said.
"Oh-oh you think you can drink coffee like a pro, huh?" Adam smirked with a challenging expression on his face.
"Yes." Jaune accepted the challenge.
"Alright. Let's go little pussy boy." Adam taunted.
"They're not gonna to fight over such petty reason, right?" Pyrrha asked.
"Drinking contest! Drinking contest! Drinkng contest!" Ruby, Nora and strangely enough Ozpin cheered.
"oh oh oh you're it, oh oh" Jaune quickly brought his mug to his lips.
Both of them started slurping furiously and for a moment it looked like both of them were tied-
"They're totally fighting over such petty reason." Pyrrha said in disbelief.
"Layers, man. They sure love their coffees. It gives them the strength to tear the witnesses… taste-imonies appart. Eh? Eh? Am I right?" Yang punned as everyone groaned.
"Yang, just. Shut up." Weiss said.
"Fearless leader is so gonna kick metal face's butt" Nora continued to cheer.
-until Adam's mask suddenly exploded.
"OH GOD, ouch uh uh! Hold it! hold it! Stop! STOP!" Adam frantically shouted as his face was bleeding from under the mask."OUCH-"
Everyone sweatdropped.
"This doesn't look good." Glynda commented.
"Ha, amateur." Ozpin snickered.
"Oooooh, he should start wearing laser greaves too." Nora said "By the way, yay for Jaune. I knew he could do it." She said as she highfived Ruby.
"HOLD IT! Hah, I win. I'm the-" Jaune started boasting, but was cut off as furious Adam threw his mug of steaming hot coffee at him and it spilled all over his head.
"Ow ah, ow ow, ah ha ah." Jaune whimpered.
"Yep. That's Adam alright." Blake confirmed.
Ozpin growled in his seat and stared daggers at the screen.
"Wow, I never seen Ozpin that mad. Or mad at all." Pyrrha pointed out.
"I have only once before, when Mr. Branwen dropped his mug. Mr. Branwen then spend the entire weekend cleaning up the entire academy." Glynda said.
"OBJECTION! Haha, that was actually pretty entertaining." Ozpin commented before changing topic back to the defendant. "Alright then mister… Fundala was it?"
"It's Fundels." Fundels corrected.
"Okay, um. Why are you here today? I don't even know why. Why is he here today?" Questioned a confused Ozpin.
"So… apparently… this little boy…" Fundels said, gesturing to his puppet. "Says that I touch him-"
"HE TOUCHES ME" shouts Giggles.
"But that's a puppet. I'm pretty sure that doesn't count." Pyrrha pointed out.
"Of course it doesn't. This whole trial is turning out to be a circus." Weiss said.
"Well, I think it's cute." Ruby voiced her opinion. The others looked at each other.
"He believes… that… me… digging my hand… into his butthole-" Fundles continued.
"Yuck. Isn't that where poop comes from? Why would anyone want to put their hands in there?" oblivious grossed out Ruby asked.
"I said I'll tell you when you're 42." Yang said, hoping this wouldn't go where she thought its gonna go.
"OBJECTION! Laser face" smirking Adam said as a mug slides into his hand.
"OBJECTION! It's not touching if it's touching with love." Jaune said.
"HOLD IT! You're still touching a child. That's kind of… illegal."
"It's a puppet" Pyrrha repeated.
"Hahahahahaha. A terrorist talking about what's illegal and not. That's rich." Yang laughed, whipping a tear from her eye.
"Uuum, guys. You don't think Jaune might be into this stuff, do you?" worried Weiss asked.
"What stuff? Why is it so bad to touch boys?" Ruby asked but was ignored.
"Oh Monty, I hope not." Pyrrha answered.
"But he just sai-" Weiss started but was interrupted.
"He might just be faking it to defend his client. Although I'm not sure how that helped him." Blake said, trying to assure them all.
"Defend what? Mind I remind you that this is a puppet. This whole case is a joke." Glynda said.
"OBJECTION! Not in my world."
"HOLD IT! Shut up!" Adam retorted, throwing his mug once again at Jaune.
"You wanna stop doing that?" Annoyed Jaune with coffee all over his head asked.
"Well, he sure has a nice way of solving stuff." Yang sweat dropped.
"You don't know the half of it." Blake said.
"Guys, Ozpin is scaring me." Ruby shivered.
"Can we… please… get on… with the case, now?... I have… a grand story to tell all of you." Fundels interrupted them.
"OBJECTION! I don't wanna hear your gay story, you pedo." steaming masked Adam said, before sipping yet from another new mug. "As far as I'm concerned, that pupped is all the evidence we need."
"How many mugs does he have?" Nora pointed out. "Oh, or does he have reality breaking powers to summon his mug back to him after he throws it?"
"Nora, I don't think that's possible." Ren said.
"Well, I can dream." Nora said.
"HOLD IT! In what way?" Jaune asked.
"I-I mean, he's plainly got his hand up that little boy… puppet's… *ss." Explained Adam, gradually starting to steam from his mask again. "Pretty gross if you ask me. And I-"
"IT'S A PUPPET!" Pyrrha repeated.
"That Fundels guy is screwing with all of them and they're none the wiser." Yang laughed.
"Yes. I mean I can understand for Jaune, but for someone like Ozpin to be so incompetent to not realize this." Weiss said.
"Hey, I'll have you know Jaune is a brilliant tactician. Thank you very much." Ruby crossed her arms.
"HOLD IT! I think it's pretty… affectionate." Jaune said.
"OBJECTION! I've got a laser face." Adam smirked again. "You real-"
"CAN WE GET ON TOPIC PLEASE? Jesus." Ozpin shut them both up. "Okay, so this… wait wait wai-what was your name, little kid?"
"My name is Giggles." The pupped replied.
"You're saying that he… put his hand in you're an*s." Ozpin said.
"His hand is in my an*s, RIGHT NOW!" Giggles said, while trying to punch Fundels.
"IT'S A P-" Pyrrha began to shout, but was interrupted.
"Pyrrha, calm down. They cannot hear you." Ren tried to calm her down.
"Wow, that little guy is feisty." Yang commented.
"HOLD IT! EVERYONE IN THIS COURTROOM EXCEPT ME" Adam shouted, slamming his mug down. "IS A PEDOPHILE!"
"Definitely Adam." Blake confirmed again.
"Why is that?" Ruby asked.
"Judging an entire group of people based on certain individual members of it." Blake answered "That's kind of his thing."
"Pretty much, yes yes. We all like little boys" Ozpin said with a hint of sarcasm. "So what I understand umm… you know. You put his hand in his butt. He didn't like it. He called the police and now you're in court. So, what is your defense?" He asked Fundels.
"Why do I feel like there's a grain of truth in that Ozpin likes little boys." Nora suddenly got a canon insight. "Eh, it's probably nothing."
"My defense is… that he is… a puppet… and he is part… of me." Fundels answered, while enduring Giggles' punches. "We are one."
"HOLD IT! That's just cause your hand is in his butt." Adam retorted.
"IT'S TRUE!" Giggles agreed.
"This is getting ridiculous. Does no one have this thing called common sense here?" Weiss asked.
"And we're supposed to react to such insanity? I'm not even sure how to react anymore." flabbergasted Blake said.
"I kinda like it." Nora admitted. "I'm really curious where it will go."
"OBJECTION! In his an*s actually. Getitright." Jaune corrected.
"HOLD IT! That's pretty much the same thing." Giggles said.
"HOLD IT! Did you touch this little boy, or not? Because it's hard to defend you when the evidence is pointing against you…, a lot." Jaune asked.
"Yep I knew it. He's just pretending to defend him." Blake said.
"It doesn't look good for him." Ruby said.
"Nothing looks good here. It's all nonsense." Weiss complained.
"I'm… I touch him… always… therefore… I touch myself… with a little boy,… with a little boy… puppet. And I want him… very much… which is why my hand… is always in his butt." Fundels explained.
"Okay okay." Ozpin stopped him, refusing to hear more. "Look, let's talk to this pupped, shall we? Can we talk to the puppet? Any objectio-"
"OBJECTION!" Jaune objected, but Adam stopped him.
"SHUT UP, YOU!" Again, Adam threw his third mug at Jaune.
"O-oh" Jaune whimpered.
"Poor Jaune. He doesn't seem to have a say in this." Ruby said.
"It's probably for the best. He wouldn't know how to defend a client with such a ridiculous case." Blake said.
"10 lien says this Adam guy gonna pull another magical mug out of his ass." Yang voiced her bet.
"It was a dark and stormy night. And this super pedophile here just comes waltzing into the shop and says 'I quite fancy that little boy'. And the shopkeeper says 'dude, that's kinda weird.' But before I knew it, mister Fundels here had his hand up my pooper, quicker than you can say 'Oh my god, mister Fundels has his hand up my pooper'." Giggles testified.
"Ohmygotmisterfundleshashishandupmyv*gina. SEE, I SAID IT QUICKER! Which means, that's not physically possible." Jaune said.
"Hahah. Dunno about you guys, but I love this Jaune. He's hilarious." Yang laughed while covering Ruby's ears.
"Yang, he said it quicker than you covered my ears." exasperated Ruby said. Yang just let out a sigh of defeat.
"Oh, are you done?" Giggles asked him.
"Continue, Giggles." Ozpin said.
"Ok, so anyways. His hand was up my butt and I was screaming for an adult. Then he twisted his finger a little bit a-" Giggles continued testifying, until…
"AAAAAARRRGGGGHHH! AAAAAARRRGGGGHHH!" Adam screamed in agony as his mask started suddenly and continuously exploding and bloodying his face. "I REQUEST A BRIEF RECESS, PLEASE!" Another explosion with another "AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"
Everyone sweatdropped.
"Oh crud, I take it back, I take it back. I no longer want a mask like that." Ruby shouted.
"That sounded horrifying, even Laserface Mcedgeballs couldn't take it." Yang shouted, grossed out from the puppets story.
"No kidding. Why did he have describe it in such detail?" Also grossed out Blake whimpered.
"He's still exploding. Is he going to survive?" Pyrrha pointed out.
Ozpin stared at him for a bit, before smirking and asking "Why?". He only received yet another explosion and yet another cry of pain from Adam in return.
"Wow, savage Ozpin is savage!" Yang laughed.
"HOLD IT!" Jaune stopped Adam…, somehow. He then proceeded to furiously sip from his own mug with a smirk.
"Way to rub it in his face, fearless leader." Nora cheared.
"Okay, okay. Lets-lets wrap this up, shall we?" Ozpin brought the attention back to the case. "So, this little puppet is your little boy, right?"
"Y-y-yes… he's my everything." Fundels replied, still being beaten up by the puppet in question.
"Okay and your hand is in his… butt?"
"Affirmative."
"But you see. The thing is, sir. This pupped isn't real." Ozpin said.
"THANK YOU! FINALLY! SOMEONE F*CKING SAID IT!" Strangely enough, Pyrrha was the one who uttered these words. After realizing what she just said, she covered her mouth in embarrassment. "I'm sorry" She whimpered
"Wow. First time I see P-money's vulgar side. And I thought she wasn't capable of that." Yang whistled.
"Do you blame her really." Weiss interjected."And why did Ozpin dragged this on so long, before he finally said what we're all thinking?"
"You don't know him as well." Glynda shook her head.
"HOLD IT! I would like to draw attention to the large white van with no windows outside, full of tied up little boys, that belongs to none other than mister Fundels here." Adam with yet another mug said.
"Pay up, Ice Queen." Yang laughed.
"Drat" Weiss handed a 10 lien bill.
"You really took on her bet? Why?" Ruby asked her.
"I thought the faunus must have run out of mugs already." Weiss answered.
"OBJECTION! They're just his roomates." Jaune said.
"NO, WE'RE NOOOOOOOOOT! HEEEEEELP UUUUUUSSS!" "HE'S MEAN, HE…" A bunch of terrified, desperate voices started crying out from outside.
"Nice save Jaune." Was Weiss sarcastic remark.
"Why did he think that would make sense?" Blake added.
"What's gonna happen to the kids now." Ruby asked in worry.
"God, these kids so annying. ARREST THEM!" Ozpin ordered an officer.
"YES SIT! OKAY SIR! WILL DO SIR!" The overly enthusiastic young officer replied as he ran to arrest the kids.
"Well, I guess that's case closed. Annoying little kids arrested, you get to go free and I get to go home and watch Remwatch." Ozpin declared the case closed.
Everyone looked at Ozpin.
"May I have the honor to ask why all eyes are upon me?" He asked.
"Oh, I dunno. Maybe perhaps that strangely doesn't seem far from the real you." Weiss said.
"Whatever do you mean, Miss Schnee?"
"Remember initiation?"
"Miss Schnee, I will have you know that that was a perfectly acceptable concept for an initiation. Approved by the entire council of Vale."
"No it wasn-" Glynda began to speak, but Ozpin quickly covered her mouth and smiled.
"OBJECTION!" Adam slammed the mug on the table. He then smirked "Laserface!" And sipped.
Jaune sipped too.
Adam sipped again.
Jaune sipped again.
And they continued to do so until…
"AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!" …Adam's mask exploded once again.
After that the video ended.
Everyone stared at the screen for a while, collecting their thoughts on what they just saw.
"Huh, well. That was something." Still dumbfounded Yang broke the silence.
"I never seen Jaune act like that." Ruby said.
"Neither have I. And why did he choose to be a lawyer?" Pyrrha asked.
"Well, at least he's still incompetent in his chosen career, so that's kind of like him." Weiss said.
"Well, yeah. That's kinda how alternative versions of people work." A familiar voice spoke. They all turned their heads to see Marca sitting crosslegged next to Ruby, holding another can of beer in his hand. He gestured the can to Ruby "Hey kid, want some?"
Yang quickly rose up on her feet and took a shot at the can, destroying it. Marca stared down on the remains "Dude. That was my favorite can." He gloomily said.
"YOU-" Yang started, but was stopped by Pyrrha raising her hand.
"Wait, Yang." She turned back to Marca. "What do you mean 'that's how alternative versions of people work'?"
Marca stood up and laughed. "You mean you don't know? Well, let's see. As I said earlier, you are watching alternative universe versions of Jaune. Each and every one of these have stories quite different from the Jaune y'all know. They choose different paths, different careers in life, have different hopes and destinies. The events of their lives unfold differently, which sometimes reflects on their personalities. For example, here you saw a Jaune, who became an attorney, next you might see him as a powerful honorable warrior, a dark vengeful figure in search for payback, a movie star, or even an evil ruler, who has fallen to the dark side. The possibilities… are endless." Marca explained, he then snapped his fingers and summoned a couple of fridges, full of delicious food. "So anyway, treat yourselves before you start the next video. They didn't call me the genius of cuisine for nothing." He snapped his finger again, disappearing.
"HEY WAI-UGH, DAMMIT!" Yang slumped her shoulders.