Last Goodbye

The sheer shock I felt at the final verdict surprised me and I realised that even through the last few weeks when I had been holed up in my 4-by-4 cell, my hope had not entirely diminished. Some small part of me had still believed that the court would realise I was innocent and let me free. There was still so much in life that I had to achieve, starting with finding Lissa's half sibling and restoring the Dragomir family their place on the council. But now none of that was ever going to happen, or at least not by my hand.

Guilty!

The word still echoed around the courtroom, even as chaos broke out. Accusations and hurtful words are thrown in my direction but grieving Moroi, while guardians try to regain control of their charges. Distinctly I hear Lissa calling out my name and screaming 'No!' over and over but I can't look at her.

Guilty!

I'm vaguely aware of Abe on his feet beside me arguing profusely with the judge, defending me yet again. Abe, the father I'd never known but had gone to such lengths to try and keep me safe. We were only beginning to develop anything resembling a relationship and now that would die, along with me.

Guilty!

My breathing was becoming harsher and harsher as fear slowly rooted itself in my numb body. I'd never really thought about death. From such an early age it had been drilled into my mind that as a dhampir I had to fight to the death to protect my charge but it was only ever the dying anyone ever thought about. Killed in action, saving lives, that was how it was supposed to happen. But this was different, because now I knew how I was going to die; only I didn't know what would happen next. I should have asked Mason when I had the chance.

I became aware of someone shaking my arm none-too-gently and realised a guardian was trying to get me to raise from my seat so he could re-cuff me. Numbly I obeyed and stood obediently as the metal manacles were placed around my wrists. The sharp click seemed to pound through me as they clipped together, sealing my fate.

I Rosemarie Hathaway, aged 18, had been sentenced to death at sunrise for the murder of Queen Tatiana. And if that wasn't bad enough I was going to be staked. The irony did not escape me.

Feeling another tug on my arm I complied and followed the guardian down the aisle. As I did I kept my head up to try and show everyone that I had nothing to hide but all I achieved was a view of all my friends tear streaked faces as they fought family and dhampirs to try and get close to me.

Lissa; my best friend, my charge, had gone so deathly pale that, accompanied with her red-rimmed eyes almost made her look like a Strigoi. I smiled slightly at the errant thought and she must have noticed because she stopped struggling against the dhampir holding her and stared at me in horror and disbelief. I immediately looked away not wanting her to read too much into my expression and think I had a plan to escape. I didn't. I was going to die.

My eyes then came to rest on Adrian who was alternating between shouting wildly at his parents and staring at me pleadingly with tear-filled eyes. My heart clenched painfully and I once again averted my gaze. I wasn't stupid, I knew Adrian cared about me a lot, possibly even loved me, and I cared about him too. But I guess in the end it wasn't going to be enough. He would be okay though, his life was fairly simple before I came along and messed it all up, and hopefully it would gain that simplicity again after I had gone. I wanted him to be happy, even if it was never going to be with me.

I scanned the crowd again, taking in all the familiar faces; Christian standing frozen in place staring at me as if believing I'll disappear when he blinks, with Tasha behind him, her hand resting on his shoulder as she quietly cries; Mia wrapped up in Eddie's arms as her body shakes with sobs. And my mother, the great guardian; Janine Hathaway. For once her guardian mask fails her and she stands shaking slightly, anguish clearly displayed on her face. There were so many people here that I care about in so many different ways, mourning me before I was even gone. It painted a heartbreaking picture but at the same time made me feel overwhelmingly loved, like I was actually important to all of these people. I think if I had to die anytime soon then at least it would be with this thought on my mind.

A kind of acceptance flows through me at this thought and another small smile graced my face, though it had to appear pained in at least some degree. I resumed my crowd scanning as I continued my walk of shame. There were, of course, a number of faces glaring at me in anger and those who looked like they'd do nothing less that spit on me if given the chance. But I was easily able to ignore them as my attention was grabbed by a tall, dark figure, leaning against the wall near the doorway.

Dimitri.

My heart clenched painfully as had become accustomed, whenever I saw him nowadays. At least my death would bring some sort of freedom to him. He would no longer have me to bother him with memories and feelings from the past. He could move on and live his life protecting Lissa or any other Moroi just as he'd always planned before I'd come along and complicated his life. The thought made me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

However as we approached the door-and him- I was brought up short by what I was seeing. It was something I had only seen once in my life and never expected to ever bear witness to again.

Dimitri was weeping.

His whole body was tensed as if preparing for a fight. His knuckles were stark white where they gripped onto his forearms, nails digging into his clothing and his whole body was shaking ever so slightly as the silent tears cascaded down his face. His dark eyes were burning with passionate grief as his gaze locked onto mine.

I stopped in my tracks, causing the guardian that was leading my out to barrel into the back of me. He grunted in surprise and annoyance, and then gave me a forceful shove on my shoulder to make me start walking again. I complied but didn't break eye contact with Dimitri like I had with everyone else. I was in too much shock because right there in his eyes, in his whole expression, was what he had been denying me for so long; his love.

I felt suddenly sick as I realised how much this was going to hurt, to finally get what I'd been vying for since he had been changed back only to lose it again so quickly. With heavy steps, I was within two feet of him and the air crackled with that long denied electricity, but now it was filled with so much more than lust and attraction, there was hurt, love, longing, painful grief and heartfelt understanding flowing between us. In that moment I knew why he had said so many hurtful things to me, he felt so guilty about everything that happened in Russia, about how he had used and abused me, and eventually tried to kill me. It hurt but I could empathise with him so I let go of any resentment I had towards him, knowing full well that I had only hours until I would never see him again and had no time to hold a grudge.

I smiled at him sadly, my emotions no doubt displayed clearly on my face. I knew this was going to be the only chance I had to say goodbye so I was going to take it. I stopped my progress again, much to the annoyance of my guide, who once again shoved my shoulder to try and keep me going.

Dimitri shot him a dark look which immediately had the guardian backing up a step. Dimitri was a well know ex-Strigoi after all. He then returned his gaze to me and resumed his silent pleading.

I fought back the urge to burst into tears and jump into the comfort of his embrace as I thought of the words to tell him that I understood but he spoke first.

"Roza," he whispered brokenly, "I don't...I didn't..." He opened and closed his mouth repeatedly and normally I would have made some comment about him resembling a goldfish but now really wasn't the time. I cut him off before he could voice his reasons. We had so little time and we didn't want to waste it on truths we both already knew.

"It's okay," I assure him softly. "I know. I understand."

His brow furrows as he looks at me determinedly.

"No, you don't. You have to know that...that what I said...in the church." His voice broke and I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out the memory. "I didn't mean it, any of it. I'm so sor-"

"It's okay," I repeat, meeting his gaze again. "I do understand. I-" My guide once again pushed my shoulder, trying to move me forward and I realised everyone had gathered around us, waiting to leave. I sighed and just got to the point. "I love you too Comrade."

He laughed once through his tears at the old nickname and smiled at me, looking semi-relieved. "My Roza," he sighed. "I can't believe I've lost you," his voice broke again at the reminder of my impending death and I smiled at him weakly.

"It's okay," I said one more time. "You'll be okay. Just live your life. And look after Lissa for me. Please." Tears were threatening me again as I thought of how life would simply go on for all those I was leaving behind.

"I won't be okay, not without you in my life," He spoke fiercely, and made a move towards me but was immediately held back by three guardians gripping tightly onto his arms. "No!" He struggled against them but it was useless. Two more guardians gripped my own arms and forcefully removed me from the hall, but not before I heard Dimitri call out in a broken voice "I love you Roza! I'm so sorry!"

The tears fell, unrestrained now as I was lead away and back towards my cell. At the realisation that I was being lead back to my concrete hellhole I dug in my heels, making the guardians once again grunt in frustration.

"Miss Hathaway, will you please just keep walking," One of the told me in a gruff, detached voice.

I shook my head vehemently causing him to sigh and tighten his hold on my arm.

"Look, you can protest all you want but it's not going to change the fact that-"

I cut him off pleadingly. "I don't want to go back to my cell. Please. Can't I just go outside, see the sky one more time. Please. It can't be that much longer till sunrise. I just want to go outside again. Please." I couldn't help it anymore; silent tears began to make their way down my cheeks.

The guardian sighed and looked displeased but after some persuasion from the other he agreed and led me in the opposite direction, telling me it was only one hour to sunrise anyway. My heart was beating double quick as if trying to fit a lifetime of beats into that small amount of time. One hour. I had one hour to live.

I was taken to one off the smaller, rarely used courtyards and allowed to sit on one of the cold, stone benches. I leant my head back and observed the few stars visible in the early light of day. Dawn was fast approaching, a new beginning in my end. We sat silently for the hour; the guardians allowing me my peace, as I reminisced over my time spent with all those I loved. Lissa, Adrian, Christian, Eddie, Mason, Mia, Tasha, Mum, Dad and Dimitri. Some memories were happy and others heart wrenchingly sad but each one filled me with a desperate longing for life, to make more. But it was over and I knew it.

As the sky began to turn pink the guardian's rose and I dutifully followed. I was crying now, unashamedly. I was scared, there was no point denying it, you'd have to be an idiot not to be.

I was led into a large open room, where many people had already gathered waiting to watch my execution. This time I kept my head down not wanting to meet anyone's gaze, but that didn't stop me hearing the screams and pleas being emitted by Lissa and Adrian. I let out a strangled sob and clenched my fists at my sides. They shouldn't be here; I didn't want them to see this. But I had no control over anything anymore so I silently accepted their presence.

I was led onto a raised platform surrounded by a metal fence, where my hands we tied tightly behind my back and to a metal pole. I felt like I was taking part in a witch burning, or a cattle market.

"Rosemarie Hathaway," boomed a voice from my right that I recognised as the judge from the trial. "You have been tried and convicted of the murder of Her Majesty Queen Tatiana. You have been sentenced to death for your crimes and shall be staked and bled until you are dead."

A cold shiver of fear ran through and I couldn't contain another sob. I hated that all these people were bearing witness to my destruction but I couldn't do anything about it. I felt disgusting and unworthy under their accusing glares so desperately I raised my head, again searching out the crowd. The faces of all the people I love were there and I relaxed slightly, remembering that I was loved by so many people.

"The dawn has come and it is time to pay for your crimes." The judge concluded, backing away from me as a masked guardian took up position in front of me, stake in hand. I wanted to correct her and state that dawn hadn't fully arrived yet but I saw no real use in it. What were a few more minutes, really?

I scanned the crowd again my eyes coming to rest on a devastated Dimitri, who was gripping the rail in a death grip and again crying. I wanted to tell him to stop it, to not cry for me. He was a god among men; he shouldn't be weeping on my behalf. His lips were repeatedly mouthing 'No' over and over again, as if saying it would reverse this situation. I shot him what I hoped was a comforting smile and mouthed 'I love you' to him just as the dhampir in front of me raised the stake and drove it forcefully and unceremoniously through my heart.

I immediately heard the horrified screams of my loved ones and Dimitri's cry of "Roza!" before the pain overtook me and my head lolled lifelessly on my chest.

As the dawn finally broke and blanketed me in the comforting heat of a new day I took my last breath and my heart took its last beat.