Author's Note: Sorry if it's too short, can't think of anything right now but I'll hopefully get the hang of this and write longer chaptered stories… but still… please R n' R…
My Kind of Existence: by Yue No Kitsune
My existence, to begin with, is a mistake…
My dream to become the greatest onmyoji , and surpass my grandfather is just plain lies.
I am nothing more but an insignificant child chained to them forever.
My life is nothing more but an illusion with no apparent truth.
My fate has been sealed and my destiny carved in stone.
I am the embodiment of mistakes, wrong doings…
I am a bad omen to those who are precious and close to me no matter whom they are.
I was born for the sole purpose of being their lover;
Only for that and nothing more.
My blood, delicious, a sweet and irresistible poison for an ayakashi.
My soul, sweet, delightful and pure.
I am a delicate and fragile doll as they described me; something they own and use.
I am not allowed to fall in love with anyone,
I am their possession and theirs alone.
No one is also allowed to fall for me
They never treated me as a human being, but more like an object on which they could just use and disuse.
Am I nothing more but a play toy for them?
Is that the only reason I exist?
They had chosen me as their lover because I am different,
But…I have no freedom…I'm just a prisoner…
To be chosen to become the gods' lover is a nightmare I could never awoken from.
It is far worst than death itself…
That's why my existence is a crime… a sin…
Sometimes I wonder, do I really have to live?
I wished to die badly, but they'll find me soon enough.
No matter how much I ran away from them, no matter how much I hide, they'll find me and I could never break apart.
Is it a crime to wish? To dream of being free?
I have lived long away from life…away from freedom… just this once; can't I be given a chance to be free?
Years passed and times changed, but my role never wavers and it's all the same.
For me, life is just a nightmare that would never leave, that would never disappear in my life.
Though these things happened to me; even how tragic it may all seem to me, I'm gad, even this one chance I am able to live and know a lot of people that had cherished me…
Even if they will no longer remember me, I will always remember them.
No matter how time may passes and people change…
As long as I remember those wonderful memories that I have…
I could still live this dreadful life.
Even if those memories were created with lies of the shadows,
Deep inside me, I know they were true…
And now, my friend, I say goodbye, and I hope for you to have a wonderful life.
"…Mokkun, you don't have to suffer anymore, my friend. All those sad memories… I'll make them all disappear. I will give you this life of mine because I know you'll do the same for me…"
With this final gift of mine, cherished this forsaken life…
With this final request, remember me in your heart even if I am no longer in anyone's memories.
With my final breath, 'thank you' for being there for me when I needed you the most,
"Thank you" for believing in me though I am nothing more but a child…
You believed in this life of mine full of lies…and though it is like that, you have given me hope for a better tomorrow in this darkened place…
I hope when we'll see each other again, we could start all over…
It might take time or perhaps a life time before we'll meet, but hopefully, when that time comes,
No more dreadful memories… no more fear and suffering…
I'll see you again my dear friend… soon