Nightmares
"The guardian angels of life fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us."
Burning resentment bubbled under my fur. Stupid Bluestar, I thought vehemently. We deserve to be warriors far more than that bratty fluffball.
As Cloudtail's warrior ceremony came to close, the other apprentices and I stayed firmly put instead of going up and greeting him by his new name. Swiftpaw looked especially angry, but Thornpaw and the younger apprentices were frowning too.
I swished my tail back and forth, glaring at my fellow warriors-in-training.
"Let's go back the den," Swiftpaw growled.
I heard a murmur of agreement as I got to my paws and padded angrily after Swiftpaw back to the apprentices' den. When I arrived, I dropped into my nest and glared up as the others took their places next to me.
"Cloudtail," Swiftpaw spat. "He will always be Cloudpaw to me! We deserve to be warriors just as much as he does!"
"Here I was thinking he liked me," I growled, fury burning in my eyes. "If he was truly loyal to me, and us, he would have made Bluestar make us warriors as well!"
Thornpaw frowned a little. "I don't think he could," he said slowly. "You know how weird Bluestar's been acting lately."
"So you're siding with him now?" the black-and-white apprentice snarled at him.
Thornpaw flinched back, mewing quietly, "N-no, Swiftpaw. I was just…"
Ashpaw and Fernpaw hid in their nests, their eyes wide. They seemed very scared. "What are you looking at?" Swiftpaw hissed at them. Fernpaw flinched back.
Ashpaw peeked his head over his nest, defiance flashing in his eyes. "Don't you talk to my sister like that!" he said angrily.
"That was a little uncalled for," I murmured quietly, feeling sympathy for the younger apprentices. They were not really involved in this, and I didn't want them to become so.
Swiftpaw swished my tail back and forth violently, then returned to the topic at hand, saying, "My point is that we are just as much warriors as that fool of a tom! We need to do something to prove it to Bluestar, that's all!"
"I think just a little more waiting will make us warriors," Thornpaw disagreed. "Bluestar will see it eventually, and Cloudtail did fight in the battle today."
"There you go again siding with him!" I hissed. "Whose side are you on, Thornpaw?"
"I'm on my own side," he growled, affronted. "You two are never going to be warriors if you carry on like this."
With that, Thornpaw curled up in his nest, apparently finished with the conversation.
Swiftpaw glared at him. "He'll regret this later when we're warriors and he's not."
"But how?" I asked. "What can we do to prove it?"
For a moment, we sat in silence. Then it came to me. "Swiftpaw!" I exclaimed.
Ashpaw, who had fallen asleep, twitched awake. "Keep it down, Brightpaw," he grumbled.
"Sorry, Ashpaw," I muttered. Lowering my voice, I said, "Swiftpaw, you know what the senior warriors have been saying about Snakerocks?"
Suddenly, his eyes dawned with the light of realization. "They're saying that there's something there stealing the prey!"
"Exactly! So all we need to do is find out who's doing it, catch them at it, and then…"
…and then, Brightheart thought sadly, get slaughtered.
Every night, she relived the scene in her dreams. First, their anger at Cloudtail, then their talk in the den. Then the two furious apprentices snuck out of camp, traveled to Snakerocks, and …
The barking, the unintelligible barking, except for two words. "Pack, pack. Kill, kill."
Fur flying…death, blood…fear; no, terror…pain, pain in her ear and her eye and her flanks and…and everywhere…
Her heart broke that night. Swiftpaw was gone, dead, and all because Bluestar had gone crazy. She was about to give up - she would have given up if it hadn't been for Cloudtail.
In a roundabout way, it was Cloudtail's fault. In fact, she was still angry at him when he came to me and shouted she was alive to the patrol that discovered her and Swiftpaw.
She remembered her feelings…anger at him for causing this, but mostly an overwhelming despair. She just wanted it to end: the pain, the suffering, the betrayal.
But it didn't. And when Bluestar gave her her warrior name…
"I, Bluestar, call my warrior ancestors to look down on this apprentice. She has given her life in the service of her Clan and I commend her as a warrior in her turn. She will be known as Lostface, so that every cat knows what StarClan did to take her from us."
I was only half-conscious when she spoke the words. My despair only deepened. Lostface was no name for a warrior. I was scarred for life in more ways than one now… f I survived to have more of a life.
Faintly, I heard Cloudtail protest: "But that's a cruel name! What if she survives?"
Some of my anger toward him faded away then.
"Then we will all have the more reason to remember what StarClan have brought us to," Bluestar responded coldly. "They will have this warrior as Lostface, or not at all. Let StarClan receive her by the name of Lostface. There, it is done."
She had survived. Barely, and only because of Cloudtail. Of course, she was scarred. It hurt her every time someone looked at her with repulsion. With fear. It reminded her that no matter how her Clanmates acted, she would always be Lostface. Brightheart she was, but Lostface as well.
After the nightmares that came each night, she would leave her den. Cloudtail knew not to follow her. Her mate was sweet, but sometimes she needed to be alone.
Alone, she could not escape the memories, and the pain. She would pad out of camp and into the forest. To her Clanmates, it appeared that she never went to the lake if she could help it. She didn't, at least in the day. But at night that is where she traveled.
As she sat under the stars gazing into the water, her maimed reflected gazed back. The fur had never grown back over her eye. Her ear was a mess. But she did not dwell on her for long.
No, her thoughts turned always to Swiftpaw.
Was he watching her from the stars? Did he blame her for his death? After all, it was her idea to go to Snakerocks.
Was he her guardian angel or was he wishing her ill? How did he feel about her? He had hinted, in their apprenticeship, that he had feelings for her. Was he bitter about her taking Cloudtail as a mate?
Had he been accepted by StarClan? Could he not have been? All these questions burned in her mind. What was her problem? Couldn't she just put her past behind her?
And then she would pad back to camp, still unsatisfied. Night after night, moon after moon.
After the battle with the Dark Forest, the StarClan cats stayed with the Clans for a few hours to have heartfelt greetings and goodbyes and the like. Brightheart managed to get a few moments away from her kits and Clanmates. Weaving among the StarClan warriors, she searched frantically for the tom she knew had to be there. Swiftpaw had to have survived!
"Um, excuse me," she said to Whitestorm. "Have you seen-?"
"Swiftpaw?" the great white warrior asked bemusedly. "Yes, he's right over there, talking with Bluestar."
Brightheart anxiously padded over to the small black-and-white tom. "H-hello," she muttered quietly, standing right behind Swiftpaw.
Startled, the StarClan cat spun around, fur on end. When he saw it was Brightheart, relief flashed in his eyes, then a faint outline of fear. "Sorry," he purred. "I'm still a little on edge from the battle." He smiled warmly at her. "How have you been, Brightheart?"
A feeling of relief washed over her. "I've been through some rough times," she admitted, "but I think everything has turned out for the best."
"I've been watching you," Swiftpaw said, smiling. "Congratulations on your newest litter, by the way."
"You've been…watching me?" Brightheart said, emotion choking up her throat.
"Yes, Brightheart." Swiftpaw smiled gently. "I will always watch you."
Overwhelmed, the ginger and white she-cat bowed her head and touched her former denmate on the head with her chin. "I've missed you so much," she whispered.
They stood there in silence for a moment, then pulled away from each other. Brightheart coughed, a little embarrassed. After all, she did have a mate, and two litters of kits. Bluestar had been watching them the whole time, a strange expression on her face.
"I'm so sorry," the former leader murmured sadly. "I see now what I've done."
"No, Bluestar," Swiftpaw said firmly. "Things turned out just the way they should have. We are all content…at least somewhat."
"Brightheart! Brightheart, where are you? The kits are hungry!"
The sound of Cloudtail's yowl brought Brightheart back to reality. "I'm sorry," she said apologetically. "I have to go." Once more, she was overcome with emotion. "Goodbye, Swiftpaw," she whispered. "I'll miss you."
"I'll always be watching over you," the black-and-white tom pledged. "Goodbye, Brightheart."
From that night on, when the nightmares came, Brightheart did not spend her nights wondering about what could have been. She would look up into the stars and smile, feeling at last peaceful.
"Hello, Swiftpaw. I've missed you. How have you been?"