AN: Don't ask me how they got on the show, because this is a crack!fic and if you're looking for a scifi explanation, this just isn't the place for that nonsense. This is a fulfillment of the "Team TARDIS on TV" prompt on timepetalsprompts, given by lunaseemoony. Unbeta'd.
"From Hollywood, the dating capital of the world, in color, it's The Dating Game!" The familiar theme song played, and the audience cheered. "And here's the star of our show, your host, Jim Lange!"
Jim Lange strolled out from behind the separating panels. Jim pointed at the crowd in greeting. "Thank you! Good evening. Thank you very much. Today we've got a lovely young woman on our show. She's a traveler, and she's looking for a co-pilot for her many adventures. Hopefully she'll be able to find him in one of our three Bachelor contestants."
The Doctor looked around like a child in a candy shop, the tip of his tongue fastened to his teeth, as the floor panel rotated to reveal him and his two rivals to the audience.
"Bachelor number 1 is an aspiring professional tennis player. In his free time, he likes going to the movies, dancing, and cooking gourmet meals at home. From Atlanta, Georgia, please welcome Andy Grayson." He flashed a winning smile with his perfect pearly whites in view. The audience applauded, and a few girls gave him some cat calls.
The Doctor craned his neck to look at his first competitor two seats away. His blonde hair had a little length, parted and combed to the left. Ice blue eyes. Navy blue suit. And he was fit. Boy, was he fit. Pectorals practically ripping through his white Oxford.
The Doctor's eyes went a bit wide.
Andy gave him a very smug look in return.
Then the Doctor narrowed his eyes at him. If one listened hard enough, one could hear "Il Buono, Il Brutto, Il Cattivo" play in the Doctor's mind. Someone in the audience swore they saw a tumbleweed blow across the stage.
"Our second Bachelor is an art student. He specializes in sculpting and painting. He also likes camping and fishing. From Portland, Oregon, welcome Gerald Foster."
Ha! I learned sculpting from the master himself. Beat meeting Michelangelo, mister, the Doctor sniffed. Gerald was dressed in a turtleneck sweater and khakis. His brown, wavy locks were nearly down to his shoulders.
"Bachelor number 3 is a jack of all trades-"
"And a master of all of them, I'll have you know," he interjected, giving the fisheye to Andy.
"…and, clearly, a bit eager to prove himself," Jim Lange recovered effortlessly. The audience laughed awkwardly. "He has a Doctorate of Medicine, Philosophy, History, Quantum Physics—you name it, he's studied it. He's also self-employed as a tour guide. All the way from Gallifrey, please welcome the Doctor—um, Doctor who?"
"Just the Doctor, thanks."
"Suit yourself. Those are our three dashing young men, hoping to get a date with our lovely young lady. And, of course, to keep her from hearing the introductions of our three bachelors, we've kept her backstage in a soundproof booth. Let's bring her out now."
Cheesy game show music filled the studio. "Hailing all the way from London in the Powell Estate, she's a former shop girl at Henrik's, and now she travels all over. She enjoys a good cup of tea and is an avid runner. Please give Rose Tyler a warm welcome to The Dating Game." The audience applauded as she walked on stage. She wore a pink sundress with hemp wedge sandals. "Rose, wonderful to have you."
"Thanks," she replied.
"We have three bachelors on the other side of this wall who are going to try to win your heart with their answers. But first, let's give them a chance to greet you. Say hello, Bachelor number 1."
"Hello, Rose Tyler," Andy said in a deep, husky voice.
"Ooo! Hello!" She laughed, and the audience whooped.
The Doctor craned his neck to scowl at his competitor. Nobody else is allowed to talk to her like that, and—and you've got to make her name sing. It's supposed to roll off your tongue easier than that.
"Bachelor 2, top that. Give her a hello."
Gerald's voice was playful. "Hi, Rose."
"Hi!"
"Bachelor 3, say hello to Rose."
"The first contestant over there said your name all wrong. Allow me to demonstrate. Hello, Rose Tyler." He said it the way he always said her name, as if his mouth were made to say it.
"Hello." He could tell she was grinning with her reply.
"Thank you, gentlemen. Now on to your questions, Rose."
"Bachelor number 1, pick your best feature and sell it to me."
"I rather like my pecs. Gives the ladies something to hold on to." The audience roared in laughter.
"Sounds tempting," and the Doctor knew she must have been peeking her tongue with that smile. He huffed.
When the audience settled, she continued. "Bachelor 2, same question."
"My mind. I'm a very creative person. Keeps things interesting, especially in the bedroom."
She laughed. "Oh, sounds kinky! I love a good mind anyway, you know? Almost sexier than any physical feature."
Gerald smiled and ran a hand through his hair and sat up straight. The Doctor rolled his eyes.
"And Bachelor 3? Your best feature?"
"I think you quite like my hair, yeah? Good for running your hands through. Your other favorite feature of mine wouldn't be appropriate to discuss on the telly."
She giggled. "Next question. Number 1, let me hear your sexiest kiss."
The young man made a few moaning noises into the microphone. The audience whooped, especially a few girls sitting in the front row.
That's—oh, gods, that's embarrassing. That's the wrong cadence if you really want to open her up. I'm a much better kisser than him.
After he finished, she asked, "Bachelor 2, how about you?"
He moaned but added a few smacks of his lips for good measure.
Puh. Amateur. For an artist, you'd be poor at the art of kissing Rose Tyler. Have some finesse, man.
The Doctor cleared his throat and straightened his tie and waited for Rose to prompt him.
"And Bachelor number 3…" she paused, and then she said with a sly smile (he could tell because he knew the sound of her voice in all her expressions), "halfway through our first date, you find out I'm a robot. What would you do about it?" She knew exactly what he was expecting.
Well, that's hardly fair! "Can't you ask me the kissing question instead?" he pouted.
"No-pah," she popped the 'p'.
Tease. Two can play…"I think I'd find your switch and turn you on, that one in the crook of your neck."
"Hmmm…" she purred.
"Guh," was all he could manage. Outfoxed by the fox.
The audience erupted in whoops and laughter.
"Alright, down tiger," Jim jumped in. "Next question, Rose."
"Women go weak in the knees for a romantic sonnet. If you could write me a poem, what would you say? Bachelor 1?"
"Autumn's my favorite time of year, with a nice chill in the air. Take a walk with me. I'm way sexier than Bachelor 3 over there."
Rose barked a laugh. The audience cheered and clapped. The Doctor jutted out his bottom lip.
"Alright then, Bachelor 2?"
"Crimson red, the color of love, here's a rose for you, Rose, my sweet dove."
"Aw, that's very sweet!" Rose said, and the audience awed with her.
"Bachelor 3?"
Here it was, his big moment. He needed something that would trump these other two chumps.
"Roses are red, violets are blue, more than all the stars in the sky, Rose Tyler—"
The game-ending ditty cut him off.
"Aaaaand that's all the time we have for this game," Jim cut in. "Sorry you weren't able to finish that poem, Bachelor 3. And now, we'll give Rose 60 seconds to make her decision. We'll see you right after a word from our sponsors," he added for the television broadcast.
Once the music finished, Jim said, "Welcome back to The Dating Game. Rose has had 60 seconds to pick one of our gentlemen. Let's hear who she picked."
She made a show of looking up to the left and right as if she were still contemplating and gave a dramatic sigh. "It was an extremely difficult decision. I have all these amazing options to choose from—"
"Oh, will you just come out with it already?!" an exasperated Doctor called out from beyond the barrier.
"I suppoooose I'll pick number 3."
The audience clapped.
"You picked number 3, but before you meet him, let's give you a chance to meet the other two contestants you didn't pick. Bachelor number 1…"
Jim started babbling on about Andy, but Rose wasn't hearing any of it. She smiled when she saw the Doctor's head poke around the corner of the wall.
He grinned mischievously when he saw her.
"…come on over, An—"
"Excuse me," the Doctor interrupted, and Jim had to step back and let him through. The Doctor wrapped his arms around Rose's waist and he backed her into the partition behind her, pressing his palms flat on the wall on either side of her. He leaned his head down and captured her lips. She instantly melted into him and wrapped her arms around his neck.
A tap on the shoulder interrupted the Doctor, and his dark eyes unhappily landed on Andy.
"I'm supposed to be saying goodbye to—"
"Too bad, she's mine," the Doctor cut him off and moved to work on that neck switch of hers. Rose gasped.
"Folks, that's all the time we have for today's show. Join us next week, same time, same channel, for the next exciting edition of The Dating Game."