Emmett Does Work.
Chapter One- Staples with Eddie.
Emmett's POV
Why in the hell do I work at Staples anyways? I glanced to my left, and then to my right. Eddie's depressed face hit me full on.
Ooh, now I remember. To make Eddie's life an epic fail.
"Why don't you work at a movie rental store? You know, one where you can take the movies from the Adult Section and watch them on your fucking portable DVD player while a little girl comes up and asks you where she can find movies about Barbie?"
…Shit. That was the longest thing Eddie's said in ages. Well, time to be a jack ass about it!
"There are sooo many problems with that. First of all, movie stores are usually owned by Arabian families- they wouldn't hire me," I paused, sort of for…dramatic affect. Effect. No- affect. Shit, fuck it. "Second, I have my own pornos. Third, Barbie can go suck my-"
At that moment, a sweet little blonde girl with big blue eyes stared up at me, waiting to find out what Barbie sucks. Fortunately, I don't believe any age is too young to learn about the human anatomy.
"-dick. She can deep throat it too, if she wants." The girl tilted her head to the side in confusion, and walked towards her mother.
"MOMMY? WHAT'S A DICK? CAN I HAVE ONE?" What'd she think, you could just buy a dick on eBay?
…. But can you?
That's some serious shit, that is.
"Honestly Emmett, she was a four year old child," Edward pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head in frustration.
"I knew what a dick was before I was four…" As I should have!
"That's because you have one."
"How do you know that, Eddie? Have you ever physically seen it?"
"Unfortunately, yes I have."
WHAT?!?!?!!?
"WHEN?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs- If it wasn't obvious enough I could care less that I was in a work place. I needed to know this shit!
"Mmm, I don't know…" he walked up to a box of pens and made sure that the Staples label could be seen on every one. Testing my patience. "…possibly every time you consume alcohol?"
Ooh. Now I get it.
"YOU PUT ECSTASY IN MY LEMONADE LAST NIGHT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU SICK, PERVERTED, MASOCHISTIC, IMMBECILE-"
He only looked at me in silence.
"I'm done," is all that left his lips as he took off his Staples Employee branded t-shirt and threw it on the ground.
"No! EDDIE! You can't quit on me-"
"I'm not quitting," he chuckled darkly as he began to stomp off to the manager's office. "I'm getting my shift changed."
"DON'T DO IT! I CAN CHANGE!"
He was already too far ahead- and well, I wasn't allowed in the manager's office without good reason. Supposedly, I 'take advantage of the mint bowl' and that just isn't allowed in Staples. So I did what Emmett would do in a situation like this. I sat down in the middle of the printer isle and started bawling my eyes out. Minus the tears.
The only reason I was even here in the first place was because of Eddie, and now he was leaving me. But I'm no quitter- I'll stay here until I get fired.
I turned on my iPod and started cleaning up some slurpee spillage in isle three.
This definitely wasn't the life Rihanna was singing about.
Realization hit me head on-
Was this what an Epiphany was like?!
I wasn't meant to work at Staples, I was supposed to go out into the real world- make an impact on mankind!
Too bad I didn't know where to start.
x
Three weeks have gone by without a single word from Eddie, and I was still stuck working at Staples. There was a new bar opening way closer to the house, and I really wanted to work there instead. So of course, operation get-fired-so-I-don't-have-to-be-a-quitter began.
A kind, elderly woman walked up to me and politely asked, "Where can I find the crayons?"
"DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE A FUCKING CLUE, LADY?" Heh.
"Listen up, son, I've been on this Earth twice, or maybe three times longer than you-"
I don't think so lady.
"-and I've seen a lot more, and done a lot more and -"
"Do you have a fucking point?" I asked bluntly.
"Yeah!" She shook her cane in the air before viciously beating my leg with it- "Bitches like you are the reason the Earth is melting! Go to hell!" And with that she took her wooden piece of shit and walked away.
Did I just get owned by a granny?
Pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Nah.
Of course, she went to the front desk and reported me for not helping her find the crayons and disrespect, and immediately afterwards I was fired.
Off to the bar I go!