Authors Notes: Okay, this is my first KiGo fic, please go easy on me =) The dairy entry, is just to give you an idea of what's going on in Kim's head, what she's feeling.
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Dear Diary...
I'd never thought I would be attracted to women. I always thought that I would find my prince charming, settle down have kids have the whole house with the white picket fence deal.
Yeah, having the hots for women wasn't accounted for. Not to mention finding out after I confessed my love for my best friend of 16 years. When really, as it turns out is only brotherly affection. I hate teenage emotions, really, why do they have to be so hard to understand?
He is still convinced it's romantic love, when there is obviously no spark, for either of us. I think he's more in denial, wanting the perfect romance. What could be better then best friends turning into lovers? But I have hope he will snap out of it, and try to move on. I have, even though I would have rather not.
Fate, it seems, really likes to screw with me. Why else would I be suddenly lusting over my arch nemisis, a theif, Shego. The woman I kicked into a tower, and told that I hated her.
Sometimes I wish I was an animal, y'know? They don't have the restrictions of society. If they want to mate, they impress their counterpart, and then they mate, no judging or expectations, hell, the world expects me to be the perfect role model, and that doesn't include being gay.
But, unfortunately, I was not born an animal.
Occasionally I try to switch my attraction to someone else, Tara King for instance. She's attractive, kind and isn't a criminal, she's also a bit slow, but no body's perfect right?
But, that didn't work. I just could not find myself lusting for her. Then there was Zita Flores. A beauty if there ever was one, she is funny, smart and also isn't a criminal. But again, she couldn't bring out that burning desire, there was no want, no need for her.
I was even thought about trying to get myself to lust for Monique, but she's too close of a friend, it would just serve to make things awkward if I did manage to start liking her, because I'm pretty sure she's as straight as ruler, even if she did like calling me 'Girlfriend'.
I really have no idea what to do. Life is looking kind of... bleak.
Hero and Villain...
It sort of sounds like a twisted version of Romeo and Juliet, though I have no idea how she feels, actually I'm pretty sure she hates my guts... I did kind of kick her into an electrical tower, in the rain.
I'm hoping, that one day she might forgive me. Even if I don't forgive myself. While Shego tried to convince everyone that she's evil it's obvious (to everyone, except her) that she's not. What I did was evil. And it scared me, scared me out of my wits.
-------
Kim was home alone on a Thursday night watching TV when the doorbell rang. She groaned in annoyance at being interrupted, seeing as she was completely absorbed in the movie showing. She made her way quickly to the front door and opened it, only to be surprised to see Ron, her current boyfriend/best friend standing there, looking nervous.
"Ron..?" she asked, looking at him confused, "Why are you here.." she looked at her wrist watch, "...At 9.00pm?"
He scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably and shifted his feet.
"Um.. I think we need to talk Kim... It-it couldn't wait." Ron avoided her eyes and moved his hand from his neck to interlace with his other one, and then fidgeted nervously. Kim was rather taken aback at not being called KP, she could obviously see this was something important. She noticed worriedly, that Rufus wasn't with him.
She stepped back and opened the door wider. "Of course, come in."
Nodding jerkily, Ron walked inside, making sure not to knock anything down on his way to the kitchen, the place he was most comfortable.
Closing the door behind him, Kim followed in awkward silence. She was really confused, her and Ron never had awkward silences. She was starting to wonder... Maybe he had finally noticed how un-perfect they were for each other. It beats her having to break it off with him, she would rather it be mutual.
The two teens sat down at the kitchen table opposite one another, and avoided each others eyes. A tense couple of minutes passed before Kim spoke.
"Um... So what did you need to talk to me about?"
She could see Ron swallow, and there were beads of sweat gathering on his forehead. He was still avoiding her eyes.
"I don't think we should see each other anymore." he blurted suddenly, his eyes snapping up to hers. "It's not you KP, really.. I just, there's no spark. I tried so hard to make it work y'know? I thought maybe it might eventually turn into love... But every time we kissed, it was like kissing my own sibling... I can't do it anymore.. And I'm so sorry If I hurt you Kim..."
He stopped talking when he saw her smiling at him. His face took on his normal Ron look of confusion.
"KP.. Uh, why are you smiling?"
Kim shook her head, and covered her mouth to contain a giggle trying to escape.
"I'm smiling Ron, because I'm happy you finally realized that we weren't made for each other. I worked it out not long after we started dating officially, I couldn't just tell you though, I knew you wouldn't move on if I did that. I had to let you work it out for yourself." Kim answered, a small smile now on her features. Ron only seemed to be more confused though.
"So, you knew that this day was coming? You not just saying this to make me feel better, and then have some major breakdown because your still in love with me?" he said cautiously, checking over for any signs of deciet.
Kim raised an eyebrow.
"Ron, you know how I am when I lie. And no... I'm not in love with you, heck I'm sorry to say I'm not even attracted to you, or any other male..."
Again, Ron looked confused.
"I'm glad your not in love with me and everything, but what do you mean your not attracted to me or any other male?" he scratched his jaw in bewilderment, trying desperately to read between the lines.
"I like girls." Kim said simply.
Ron gawked at her, mouth wide open and his eyes bulging.
"WHAT!?"
"Er... What I said.." she looked away uncomfortable, she was kicking herself, why the hell did she just blurt it out like that? God! He looked like he nearly had a heart attack.
"You mean, you like-like girls, as in females? With b-breasts?" he demanded, his eyes still wide. Kim rubbed her forehead and studied the kitchen table with her eyes, desperately wishing she could just disappear.
"Uh, those are the ones.." she mumbled, almost inaudibly.
Ron took a deep breath and tried to quell all the thoughts about Kim going at it with another girl, the last thing he needed to do right now was start fantasizing.
"Um, KP. WOW. That's badical'.." he said, unconvincingly. Kim shot him a disbelieving look. Ron crossed his arms defensively.
"Hey! I'm no 'phobe! I really have no problem with it. Actually, it's kinda hot..." his eyes got glassy and he stopped talking, and stared unseeingly into space.
Kim reached over and slapped him in the side of the head.
"RON! Please be serious.." she pleaded, frowning at him and rubbing her temples. He was such a perv..
"Ow! Alright sheesh, can't a guy catch a break here?" he whined, rubbing at the side of his head and scowling playfully. Kim rolled her eyes, but couldn't help but smile at him. She didn't know what she would do with out him, with saving the world constantly, she needed that comedic relief, she worried she might turn out like Betty Director otherwise. Completely married to her job.
"So where all good?" Kim asked wearily, eyeing Ron, who once again had a dreamy expression on his face.
"Yup, on one condition..." he smiled slyly, which still managed to look goofy. Kim gave him another weary glare and pursed her lips.
"And that is?..." she cupped her chin and leaned her elbows against the table.
Ron's smile turned into a full blown grin.
"You tell me what girl you have the hots for. Or girls." he waggled his eyebrows. Kim screwed up her face and clenched her eyes closed.
"...." she opened one eye slowly too see if he heard.
Ron's grin widened, "I couldn't quite hear that.."
"Shego.." she mumbled, slightly louder.
A choking, hacking noise came from Ron as he tried to not choke on his own saliva. He definitely was not expecting that. Kim jumped out of her seat, ran around to his side of the table, and started thumping him in the back, until he could breath clearly.
"Please," cough, "Tell me," cough-hack, "That I'm hearing things."
"Nope," she sighed, walking around and sitting back down opposite her shocked best friend.
"We're talking about the same Shego right? The green, fire-wielding villain... Wanted in what? 11 countries, and works for a guy that constantly plots to take over the world.."
Kim gave a half-smile.
"The one and only." she crossed her arms on the table and gently laid her head down, feeling suddenly fatigued.
"Kim... You-I thought.." he rubbed his neck again, it was a nervous habit of his, "I thought you hated her, what with the way you kicked her into that tower and all.."
When Kim looked up, Ron was stunned to see tears welling up in her eyes, threatening to fall.
"I will regret that for the rest of life Ron... I never wanted to hurt her so badly, I just wanted to make her feel how I felt..." Kim choked, tears streaked down her face, though not marring her features, only serving to make her look more beautiful.
"Turns out, she didn't even know about Drakken's plan. I will never forgive myself for what I did, but I can always spend the rest of my life making up for it, if she'll let me."
Ron stretched his arm towards her and softly grasped her chin, looking closely into her eyes, he wiped the tears gently away with his thumb.
"Your really serious about this aren't you?" he whispered, his own voice now slightly gritty with emotion, "Do you love her?"
Kim smiled, a real genuine smile, even with the tears still shining in her eyes.
"No," she answered. "But I could."
-------
When Ron left that night, he finally let his own tears fall.
He was, it seemed, a convincing liar. Because him not loving Kim, was the most horrible lie.
Ron, while he was mostly oblivious to everything else to do with romance, he knew Kim like no one else, and he knew that she was un-happy being with him.
He didn't care who she was with... Just as long as she was happy...
And he wasn't the key to her happiness.
End Notes: Please R&R, tell me what you think!