Title: Head Case
Author: Lisek16
Rating: PG-13 just because
Summary: Sydney returns home from Taipei to meet with Dr. Barnett and everything she thought she knew has changed… What if she was never affiliated with the CIA nor SD-6… what if it was all in her head?
Author's note: I'm avoiding my English paper like the plague. I had this idea that Sydney could lose it. Not like breaking down after another emotional train wreck, but that she could actually be living amongst a fantasy. It's simply written and not very action-packed. It's rated PG-13 not because of language, but because it's kinda freaky. I warned you…
Disclaimer: If you believe I own the rights to Alias, you need to have you head checked.
***
He hates to have his picture taken. He told me that once.
It's not as though I could go out and get film developed without someone seeing. I can't take a Polaroid because someone could find it and that would mean this is real.
So I mentally take a picture of him. He doesn't know, no one can find it and I can flip through the album I've been collecting whenever I please.
So I mentally zoom in on his face as he speaks. My eyes lock in on his lips. I watch his lips form words I dare not to decipher. I like it better this way, I'm delaying the inevitable, because this way he has to repeat himself and I can get a second chance to take more mental photographs, before I'm forced to leave.
It always takes him a moment or two to notice that he's lost my undivided attention. He repeats my name and looks directly at me. He repeats my name until I put the camera aside. I look up disheveled and apologize and pray he'll emit one of his rare smiles. There is no reason to describe it, because only the smile itself can do it justice… I have pictures of that smile; I look through them all the time…I don't have a favorite; I could no sooner choose a star from the heavens…
I'm not a Vaughn junkie. I don't know everything about him. I have pursued through his CIA file several (hundred) times, and maybe I have thought about following him, just to get a glimpse of his apartment, but that doesn't mean I'm a stalker. If I was a stalker, I'd have a wall devoted to him, but since that might look a tad suspicious, instead I take my mental photographs.
Back to the photographs, I have them all neatly categorized with numbers, dates, times, and quotes. These pictures are some of the best memories I have. The best part is that they are real.
The memories I had of my mother were a lie, she never died in a car accident, she never was a real literature professor, she never existed in the way I thought she did. I blocked out those memories, and I started a new collection. There were father daughter moments, sparse and unconventional but they seemed real. I suppose they were until I discovered they were based off of lies, so once again I wiped the board clean and looked for something real.
Real is hard to find in L.A. because there is some much that is fake, it's easy to get lost in the lies, but I was smarter, and I had Vaughn. He was there when the lies unraveled and the pictures were destroyed.
The new photo album had bigger better clear-viewing squares that held 3 by 5 memories: all shiny and new. It's twisted to the observer, that's why I don't share… also the threat of painful torture for everyone that surrounds me isn't great either.
I rescue him. He rescues me. I take a picture and remember it for days on end…I get so wrapped up in our "moments" that I sometimes forget it's just a picture.
It's like playing dress-up with your dolls, only the entire fantasy is in your mind. Sometimes I talk to him. So people talk with G-d, I talk to Vaughn. It was around the time that I was talking to myself that I started seeing things. I started talking to myself, After Taipei. They said he was lost, that he was gone. They told me he couldn't have survived, but I looked back at my photographs and he was still there. When I came back I saw Doctor Barnett, she and I had a nice conversation, she wanted to put me on sedatives and I mentally shot her with a nine millimeter.
She told me I was mistaken when I discussed the search for Vaughn. She told me there was no Vaughn, and that's when I explained she was mistaken. She continued to disagree, I told her to ask my father. My father knew Vaughn; he even thanked him on the plane ride to Taipei.
"Sydney, Your father's dead." She told me. Her voice was calm and flat. I smiled politely and said "I just saw him an hour before I came to visit you."
She shook her head, "You didn't come to visit me. You were ordered to see me" I wasn't understanding the mistakes she was spewing. Obviously Vaughn wasn't in the room, and my father was not dead. Dr. Barnett, the CIA shrink was wrong. She probably was new, I had never seen her before. She picked up the phone and Devlin came in.
He sat down on the couch. "Sydney, I need you to listen to Dr. Barnett." So I listened her voice became a song to the slide show of Vaughn. There was our adventure breaking into the Vatican…our mission to Denpassar. There were so many memories to occupy myself with that I quickly lost track of her voice.
She stopped trying, I didn't mind. She didn't seem to have anything new to tell me. They might as well let me go before Sloane realized I was missing.
"It just gets harder everyday to get through to her." I heard Dr. Barnett tell Devlin. "It's harder to bring her back once she's run away. I have no idea how she broke out 2 days ago and ended up in Taipei. She had no passport, no money…" I focused my eyes to see him shake his head. "I didn't need money to get to Taipei, my father had a plane waiting and had all the arrangements taken care off."
"Sydney." Doctor Barnett looked at me; she was sitting at eye level and said, "let us help you."
"Well, I could use a doctor to look at my shoulder; I think I could use a new bandage…"
They exchanged glasses and called in a Weiss to bring me back to my car. They told him to escort me back. Back where I wondered? I assumed it was to the parking garage. He began wrapping me in a white jacket and I tried to explain I wasn't cold; he was doing such a great job taking care of me, while Vaughn was away.
He was away. Not gone, or missing, because he WAS coming back. Weiss walked down the hall with me, he walked me past a steel door with a keypad lock. I noticed it on my way to my car. "You know they'll find him." I said to Weiss. He didn't respond. Weiss and Vaughn had not only been co-workers but close friends. Vaughn's vacation must have been difficult for Weiss as well.
We kept walking though, we never reached my car, and he escorted me to a white room. It felt like I was drifting among a fluffy white cloud, I sat down on a chair and smiled. "Sloane's going to page me soon…" I looked down towards my pager and it wasn't there. I panicked. "Weiss… I lost my pager. We need to find it." I frantically got up and tried to begin a search for it, but he stood in front of the only exit and told me it was okay. "Weiss, it's not okay. If Sloane finds out I'm missing and he can't contact me, he might suspect that I'm the mole…" I said with fear invading my voice.
"I'll look, you should relax. I'll check back up on you in a bit." He said. The calmness in his voice reassured me, and I moved the chair next to the gated window. There was a tree. I turned around to ask Weiss if he could call my father and tell him what was going on, but he was gone. I walked over to the door, which faded very easily into the walls and nudged it with my shoulder, it gently gave under my weight and I slipped off the restricting sweater Weiss had given me.
I knew these CIA agents were skilled spies, but sometimes it just didn't cut it. I decided that maybe Weiss wouldn't be reliable enough to find my pager so I decided to find Sloane. Maybe Sloane could help.
I peered out from the doorway and threw the sweater over the camera that was in front of my door. I walked towards the door with the keypad out front and planned to punch in the code. "4747" I knew it by heart. I had seen others punch in that code. I had no idea what that room was used for but I was sure it would lead me right where I was supposed to be.
I was just about to punch in the code but I heard two fellow agents coming down the hall. I ducked into an alcove, and heard their conversation.
"She's been here 8 years and she has only regressed. It's disheartening, really."
"She's so young and she just doesn't understand."
"She's a fighter though. I would love to know how she got out. Taipei… that's half way around the world…"
They passed me. They didn't see me. Their conversation was confusing. It sounded as though they were discussing my case file, but they weren't impressed at my achievements, they were concerned. I had to admit that my actions were a little unorthodox, but they worked. I had destroyed the circumference and Vaughn was going to return soon, I could feel it.
I slithered out from my alcove, and punched in the code. I entered in the secretive room and noticed it was a file room. I walked passed the first cabinet noticed the 'B' cabinet was slightly ajar. I opened it up, I pulled it open, and I saw a hefty file and knew it was mine. After all Vaughn had told me my original statement was "Tolstoy long".
I opened it up.
"GREEN BRIAR CLINC"
I looked it at. I reread it. I guessed they were sending me to the Green Briar Clinic for a future mission. I kept reading…
"…Patient exhibits severe delusions and is unresponsive to drug therapy…She gets lost in her fantasies and can not relate to anyone outside their role in her fantasy... She forgets or chooses not to listen to the truth and fades in and out of consciousness at any given time… Her fantasies revolve around the world of espionage… She believes herself to be SYDNEY BRISTOW, a grad student who also happens to be a double agent. She constantly refers to her parents JACK AND LAURA BRISTOW as fellow spies… she identifies with an imaginary friend who she calls Vaughn…"
I closed the folder and stood shaking. How dare the CIA patronize me! I began to weep and sat on the cold concrete floor. I tried to view my mental picture album but the pictures were distorted. There were no happy smiles, or pleasant meetings. My camera had only captured a man slaughtered on the ground of a hispanic hacienda. His cream suit stained with blood, there was Danny dead in the bath tub, there was Vaughn trapped behind glass.
I heard the door open. I didn't try to hide. I heard Weiss calling my name. He continued walking until he saw me and he leaned down to help me up but I took him down. It was easy… he wasn't expecting it.
He landed hard. He let out a groan and I asked him; I demanded he explain what was going on.
"Why is the CIA sending me to a clinic?" I growled. "Answer me!" I demanded.
"The CIA didn't send you anywhere. The state did."
It was all coming back. Slowly…
There I was a college freshman, sitting by myself without a friend in the world. My next memory was being recruited but if I concentrated very hard I could almost see that no one came up to me.
My head hurt. "What do you mean?"
"8 years ago, you were on trial for the murder of your fiancé. Your lawyer pleaded insanity and instead of jail time you were remanded to a clinic…"
"No. Arvin Sloane ordered Danny killed…because I told the truth."
"Arvin Sloane was the first doctor who tried to treat you. He treated you like a daughter, but he lost his life… there was an accident… he was shot… the police suspected you… Sydney, I don't know all the details… Dr. Barnett does…"
"Tell me!"
"The police believed you killed him."
I didn't respond. "Why would they think that?"
"Because you were standing over his corpse and covered in his blood."
I froze, "go on" I hoarsely whispered, not sure if this was a ploy to get me reveal classified details, I feared it was true though.
"You were moved here about 7 years ago. They heavily sedated you… they didn't know what to do. They tried to move you to the maximum facility ward…but your father argued that you could be helped under Doctor Barnett's care. He was a doctor here, he was a work-a-holic and when you found out that your mother died because of the same illness… well he turned up dead…"
Weiss seemed a little nervous so I relinquished my grip on him and he breathed less erratically. He thanked me, I welcomed the thanks. "What was wrong with my mother."
"I think she was misdiagnosed as bipolar when you were young. Your father sent her to a clinic in Europe to spare you the pain or seeing her… but you found out a few years ago that she was alive and somehow ended up in Taipei and found her last summer. She shot you… that's what you said to the police… but you shot her back…I'm really uncomfortable discussing this… Why don't I call Doctor Barnett or Doctor Devlin in to discuss your file…"
"no. continue. I want to know."
"I don't know anymore… you vanished to Taipei the other day again… you were talking about finding Vaughn and the circle…"
"circumference" I corrected.
So it was all a lie…
There was no CIA. No SD-6, No circumference…
Weiss had to be wrong; I didn't even realize that I had rendered him unconscious until he was sprawled on the floor. There was no time to deal with him… someone would find him. I needed to escape before I heard another lie… my head hurt and I didn't understand Weiss' descriptions.
Maybe I could almost see my recruitment scene not being the same, but everything else had to be… it had to be accurate... because it was all I had left.
I prepared to leave the file room. But I knew they'd be looking. I could almost hear their voices conspiring to put me away…So I looked in the back corner. Sure enough there were janitorial supplies. I found the bleach and the hydrogen peroxide. I died my hair blonde at least a white gold. I walked right out and went straight for the gated exit.
"Name?" asked the nurse.
I spoke rapidly in French and felt a familiar hand on my back. "she's with me" he said and the gate opened, as I turned back wrapped in Vaughn's arms I noticed she was sprawled on the floor besides her desk in a pool of her own blood…
It's strange how things happen one minute after seeming fine before…
Didn't matter…
Vaughn was here and he whispered that he had my counter…
I knew he would come back… I knew I wasn't wrong.
I took a mental picture and categorized it by name, date and time…
I couldn't wait for my next mission.
* The End *
Author: Lisek16
Rating: PG-13 just because
Summary: Sydney returns home from Taipei to meet with Dr. Barnett and everything she thought she knew has changed… What if she was never affiliated with the CIA nor SD-6… what if it was all in her head?
Author's note: I'm avoiding my English paper like the plague. I had this idea that Sydney could lose it. Not like breaking down after another emotional train wreck, but that she could actually be living amongst a fantasy. It's simply written and not very action-packed. It's rated PG-13 not because of language, but because it's kinda freaky. I warned you…
Disclaimer: If you believe I own the rights to Alias, you need to have you head checked.
***
He hates to have his picture taken. He told me that once.
It's not as though I could go out and get film developed without someone seeing. I can't take a Polaroid because someone could find it and that would mean this is real.
So I mentally take a picture of him. He doesn't know, no one can find it and I can flip through the album I've been collecting whenever I please.
So I mentally zoom in on his face as he speaks. My eyes lock in on his lips. I watch his lips form words I dare not to decipher. I like it better this way, I'm delaying the inevitable, because this way he has to repeat himself and I can get a second chance to take more mental photographs, before I'm forced to leave.
It always takes him a moment or two to notice that he's lost my undivided attention. He repeats my name and looks directly at me. He repeats my name until I put the camera aside. I look up disheveled and apologize and pray he'll emit one of his rare smiles. There is no reason to describe it, because only the smile itself can do it justice… I have pictures of that smile; I look through them all the time…I don't have a favorite; I could no sooner choose a star from the heavens…
I'm not a Vaughn junkie. I don't know everything about him. I have pursued through his CIA file several (hundred) times, and maybe I have thought about following him, just to get a glimpse of his apartment, but that doesn't mean I'm a stalker. If I was a stalker, I'd have a wall devoted to him, but since that might look a tad suspicious, instead I take my mental photographs.
Back to the photographs, I have them all neatly categorized with numbers, dates, times, and quotes. These pictures are some of the best memories I have. The best part is that they are real.
The memories I had of my mother were a lie, she never died in a car accident, she never was a real literature professor, she never existed in the way I thought she did. I blocked out those memories, and I started a new collection. There were father daughter moments, sparse and unconventional but they seemed real. I suppose they were until I discovered they were based off of lies, so once again I wiped the board clean and looked for something real.
Real is hard to find in L.A. because there is some much that is fake, it's easy to get lost in the lies, but I was smarter, and I had Vaughn. He was there when the lies unraveled and the pictures were destroyed.
The new photo album had bigger better clear-viewing squares that held 3 by 5 memories: all shiny and new. It's twisted to the observer, that's why I don't share… also the threat of painful torture for everyone that surrounds me isn't great either.
I rescue him. He rescues me. I take a picture and remember it for days on end…I get so wrapped up in our "moments" that I sometimes forget it's just a picture.
It's like playing dress-up with your dolls, only the entire fantasy is in your mind. Sometimes I talk to him. So people talk with G-d, I talk to Vaughn. It was around the time that I was talking to myself that I started seeing things. I started talking to myself, After Taipei. They said he was lost, that he was gone. They told me he couldn't have survived, but I looked back at my photographs and he was still there. When I came back I saw Doctor Barnett, she and I had a nice conversation, she wanted to put me on sedatives and I mentally shot her with a nine millimeter.
She told me I was mistaken when I discussed the search for Vaughn. She told me there was no Vaughn, and that's when I explained she was mistaken. She continued to disagree, I told her to ask my father. My father knew Vaughn; he even thanked him on the plane ride to Taipei.
"Sydney, Your father's dead." She told me. Her voice was calm and flat. I smiled politely and said "I just saw him an hour before I came to visit you."
She shook her head, "You didn't come to visit me. You were ordered to see me" I wasn't understanding the mistakes she was spewing. Obviously Vaughn wasn't in the room, and my father was not dead. Dr. Barnett, the CIA shrink was wrong. She probably was new, I had never seen her before. She picked up the phone and Devlin came in.
He sat down on the couch. "Sydney, I need you to listen to Dr. Barnett." So I listened her voice became a song to the slide show of Vaughn. There was our adventure breaking into the Vatican…our mission to Denpassar. There were so many memories to occupy myself with that I quickly lost track of her voice.
She stopped trying, I didn't mind. She didn't seem to have anything new to tell me. They might as well let me go before Sloane realized I was missing.
"It just gets harder everyday to get through to her." I heard Dr. Barnett tell Devlin. "It's harder to bring her back once she's run away. I have no idea how she broke out 2 days ago and ended up in Taipei. She had no passport, no money…" I focused my eyes to see him shake his head. "I didn't need money to get to Taipei, my father had a plane waiting and had all the arrangements taken care off."
"Sydney." Doctor Barnett looked at me; she was sitting at eye level and said, "let us help you."
"Well, I could use a doctor to look at my shoulder; I think I could use a new bandage…"
They exchanged glasses and called in a Weiss to bring me back to my car. They told him to escort me back. Back where I wondered? I assumed it was to the parking garage. He began wrapping me in a white jacket and I tried to explain I wasn't cold; he was doing such a great job taking care of me, while Vaughn was away.
He was away. Not gone, or missing, because he WAS coming back. Weiss walked down the hall with me, he walked me past a steel door with a keypad lock. I noticed it on my way to my car. "You know they'll find him." I said to Weiss. He didn't respond. Weiss and Vaughn had not only been co-workers but close friends. Vaughn's vacation must have been difficult for Weiss as well.
We kept walking though, we never reached my car, and he escorted me to a white room. It felt like I was drifting among a fluffy white cloud, I sat down on a chair and smiled. "Sloane's going to page me soon…" I looked down towards my pager and it wasn't there. I panicked. "Weiss… I lost my pager. We need to find it." I frantically got up and tried to begin a search for it, but he stood in front of the only exit and told me it was okay. "Weiss, it's not okay. If Sloane finds out I'm missing and he can't contact me, he might suspect that I'm the mole…" I said with fear invading my voice.
"I'll look, you should relax. I'll check back up on you in a bit." He said. The calmness in his voice reassured me, and I moved the chair next to the gated window. There was a tree. I turned around to ask Weiss if he could call my father and tell him what was going on, but he was gone. I walked over to the door, which faded very easily into the walls and nudged it with my shoulder, it gently gave under my weight and I slipped off the restricting sweater Weiss had given me.
I knew these CIA agents were skilled spies, but sometimes it just didn't cut it. I decided that maybe Weiss wouldn't be reliable enough to find my pager so I decided to find Sloane. Maybe Sloane could help.
I peered out from the doorway and threw the sweater over the camera that was in front of my door. I walked towards the door with the keypad out front and planned to punch in the code. "4747" I knew it by heart. I had seen others punch in that code. I had no idea what that room was used for but I was sure it would lead me right where I was supposed to be.
I was just about to punch in the code but I heard two fellow agents coming down the hall. I ducked into an alcove, and heard their conversation.
"She's been here 8 years and she has only regressed. It's disheartening, really."
"She's so young and she just doesn't understand."
"She's a fighter though. I would love to know how she got out. Taipei… that's half way around the world…"
They passed me. They didn't see me. Their conversation was confusing. It sounded as though they were discussing my case file, but they weren't impressed at my achievements, they were concerned. I had to admit that my actions were a little unorthodox, but they worked. I had destroyed the circumference and Vaughn was going to return soon, I could feel it.
I slithered out from my alcove, and punched in the code. I entered in the secretive room and noticed it was a file room. I walked passed the first cabinet noticed the 'B' cabinet was slightly ajar. I opened it up, I pulled it open, and I saw a hefty file and knew it was mine. After all Vaughn had told me my original statement was "Tolstoy long".
I opened it up.
"GREEN BRIAR CLINC"
I looked it at. I reread it. I guessed they were sending me to the Green Briar Clinic for a future mission. I kept reading…
"…Patient exhibits severe delusions and is unresponsive to drug therapy…She gets lost in her fantasies and can not relate to anyone outside their role in her fantasy... She forgets or chooses not to listen to the truth and fades in and out of consciousness at any given time… Her fantasies revolve around the world of espionage… She believes herself to be SYDNEY BRISTOW, a grad student who also happens to be a double agent. She constantly refers to her parents JACK AND LAURA BRISTOW as fellow spies… she identifies with an imaginary friend who she calls Vaughn…"
I closed the folder and stood shaking. How dare the CIA patronize me! I began to weep and sat on the cold concrete floor. I tried to view my mental picture album but the pictures were distorted. There were no happy smiles, or pleasant meetings. My camera had only captured a man slaughtered on the ground of a hispanic hacienda. His cream suit stained with blood, there was Danny dead in the bath tub, there was Vaughn trapped behind glass.
I heard the door open. I didn't try to hide. I heard Weiss calling my name. He continued walking until he saw me and he leaned down to help me up but I took him down. It was easy… he wasn't expecting it.
He landed hard. He let out a groan and I asked him; I demanded he explain what was going on.
"Why is the CIA sending me to a clinic?" I growled. "Answer me!" I demanded.
"The CIA didn't send you anywhere. The state did."
It was all coming back. Slowly…
There I was a college freshman, sitting by myself without a friend in the world. My next memory was being recruited but if I concentrated very hard I could almost see that no one came up to me.
My head hurt. "What do you mean?"
"8 years ago, you were on trial for the murder of your fiancé. Your lawyer pleaded insanity and instead of jail time you were remanded to a clinic…"
"No. Arvin Sloane ordered Danny killed…because I told the truth."
"Arvin Sloane was the first doctor who tried to treat you. He treated you like a daughter, but he lost his life… there was an accident… he was shot… the police suspected you… Sydney, I don't know all the details… Dr. Barnett does…"
"Tell me!"
"The police believed you killed him."
I didn't respond. "Why would they think that?"
"Because you were standing over his corpse and covered in his blood."
I froze, "go on" I hoarsely whispered, not sure if this was a ploy to get me reveal classified details, I feared it was true though.
"You were moved here about 7 years ago. They heavily sedated you… they didn't know what to do. They tried to move you to the maximum facility ward…but your father argued that you could be helped under Doctor Barnett's care. He was a doctor here, he was a work-a-holic and when you found out that your mother died because of the same illness… well he turned up dead…"
Weiss seemed a little nervous so I relinquished my grip on him and he breathed less erratically. He thanked me, I welcomed the thanks. "What was wrong with my mother."
"I think she was misdiagnosed as bipolar when you were young. Your father sent her to a clinic in Europe to spare you the pain or seeing her… but you found out a few years ago that she was alive and somehow ended up in Taipei and found her last summer. She shot you… that's what you said to the police… but you shot her back…I'm really uncomfortable discussing this… Why don't I call Doctor Barnett or Doctor Devlin in to discuss your file…"
"no. continue. I want to know."
"I don't know anymore… you vanished to Taipei the other day again… you were talking about finding Vaughn and the circle…"
"circumference" I corrected.
So it was all a lie…
There was no CIA. No SD-6, No circumference…
Weiss had to be wrong; I didn't even realize that I had rendered him unconscious until he was sprawled on the floor. There was no time to deal with him… someone would find him. I needed to escape before I heard another lie… my head hurt and I didn't understand Weiss' descriptions.
Maybe I could almost see my recruitment scene not being the same, but everything else had to be… it had to be accurate... because it was all I had left.
I prepared to leave the file room. But I knew they'd be looking. I could almost hear their voices conspiring to put me away…So I looked in the back corner. Sure enough there were janitorial supplies. I found the bleach and the hydrogen peroxide. I died my hair blonde at least a white gold. I walked right out and went straight for the gated exit.
"Name?" asked the nurse.
I spoke rapidly in French and felt a familiar hand on my back. "she's with me" he said and the gate opened, as I turned back wrapped in Vaughn's arms I noticed she was sprawled on the floor besides her desk in a pool of her own blood…
It's strange how things happen one minute after seeming fine before…
Didn't matter…
Vaughn was here and he whispered that he had my counter…
I knew he would come back… I knew I wasn't wrong.
I took a mental picture and categorized it by name, date and time…
I couldn't wait for my next mission.
* The End *