I've wanted to write this since the last south park episode but i couldnt get myself up for it lol laziness! but i finally did it, even if it seems overdue, and this is what i believe would have happened if the episode had more time, just because i hate Kyman and honestly, the more times i see the episode the more it looks less and less like kyman and the more it looks like cartman being a douche and Kyle getting pissed. anyway enjoy! BTW KYMAN FANS DONT REAN! JUST LEAVE NOW! FAIR WARNING SO NO FLAMES!
(Cartman POV)
I ran full force away from the disgusting girl chasing me. Her reek seemed to reach my nose and it just pushed me harder, even though my jelly rolls, I mean super-hot abs were screaming at him that I seriouslah wanted to just go to a burger joint. I seriouslah deserved better than her! After all, I HAD been higher than that stupid Jew on the girls Hot List. Ugh, I could smell her breath, and my feet were tired. I was not surprisingly at all a good distance away and quickly ran in an alley and pressed my soaked back against a dumpster while the bad breathed girl panted and staggered her way past the dumpster, laughing almost like a man. I wiped a totally buff and totally not fat arm over my sweat drenched forehead, showing the epic amount of exercise I got, I probably lost like twenty pounds, and turned from the dumpster but stopped when a silhouette was outlined against the sun. I rubbed my eyes and soon made out the Jew himself.
Shit. Fuck shit cock ass Jesus licking buttholes. He didn't look happy. His eyes were in that half-closed state I recognized from when i was chained in the park. The look as though he were looking down on complete swine.
That's bullshit though, how could a filthy Jew look at someone as amazing as me? I shook my head, muttering about how Jew gold must amount to balls to Hebrews, but Kyle was approaching.
FUUUUUCCCCKKK!
Kyle had his skinny little hands on the collar of mah super sexy red jacket and slammed me against the gross ass dumpster. He'd be doing my laundry later, filthy kike.
"What the FUCK was that!" he said in a super annoying screech. Is it's like fucking nails down a chalkboard I swear! Ask anyone, his voice is annoying. But hopefully you ask butters, because he'll say anything that I've said. Pussy bitch.
He held me against the dumpster. I could totally throw him off if I wanted to, I was just super tired form running after that smelly whore. That was totally the reason. I'm not weaker than him! No way! Have you seen mah killer boday? It's sexy.
"What do you mean Kahl?" he gritted his teeth. I wanted to laugh and check his moth for gold teeth. Wherever they could put that gold they would.
Jews suck, seriouslah hard-core.
"I MEAN-" he slammed me again against the dumpster. My head kinda hurt now "Why would you announce to an entire stadium of basketball fans that we are a gay couple, WHILE I was with Nichole? You know I liked her! And now Brad Paisley is probably off making a single about two gay little boys in Colorado and selling it for a dollar twenty nine on Itunes! What the FUCK?" Ew. He could use a breath mint almost as much as the halitosis chick.
"Calm down Jew! It's best this way! You know it. We both know that same race people belong together, and there was no other way to make sure that Token and Nichole would get back together, and if Brad Paisley DOES make a song about us we should get a portion of profits, which will make you rich, RICH KAHL! So didn't good come out of this? Besides anyway that you can make money right?" I suggested totally helpfully and truthfully.
But of course the kike had sand in his vagina again and soon began to punch and kick me, no matter how many times I said I'd sue him or called for my mom- I mean my super awesome gang member followers. But they all were deaf as fuck, and seeing as Kyle had a vagina which classified him as a girl, I knew I couldn't hit back. I had my manners so I didn't throw a single punch back. Because I'm a mother fucking gentleman, a MAN! And it so wasn't because of the fact that his punches were too quick or strong to let me hit back and it would never ever be because I was crying too hard. Nope, its completely because of my manliness that wouldn't allow me to fight back, men don't hit girls! Unless they don't get their bitch ass in the kitchen and obey me, then they get smacked. Mom learned her lesson the hard way.
Finally when he was too weak, as usual, to fight anymore. He gave me one last kick and grabbed my hair.
"If you EVER mention anything about us being a gay couple ever again, I will murder you! Now unless you don't want me to send you into a coma, you will read this on the announcements tomorrow. And if you don't you will get expelled and your mom will take away your Xbox 360 for three months."
I read over the paper and my eyes steadily got wider "I'm not reading this bullshit on the announcements! Fuck you!"
He tugged my hair, but I totally didn't yelp at all. I took it like a man, even though he was fighting like a little bitch. "You WILL or no Xbox and you will be expelled remember!" he threw my head down on the pavement "see you tomorrow, on the announcements" and he stormed away with his totally gay walk.
FUCK!
O.O.O.
(third person POV)
Kyle smiled smugly next to Stan in class as the TV that sat on the stand came alive, a bery angry and embarrassed Eric Cartman on the TV. Everyone groaned seeing the bigot on their screen.
"Don't worry guys, this is going to be good," Kyle smirked and everyone questioningly looked at him.
Then the large boy spoke "Attention South park elementary, if you don't know me, I'm Eric Cartman, and I will explain why I am such a- I'm not saying this!"
In the background you could hear Principal Victoria say "Do it, it's part of your punishment!"
"FINE! I will explain why I am such a," he cringed "Fat ass douchebag. First of all, I only wanted Token and Nichole to get together because blacks belong together! OW! Alright!" He snapped as the frizzy haired woman smacked him on the back of the head "because I THOUGHT they belonged together. So I locked them in the schools locker room. I made the rumor about me and Kyle being gay for each other up. We are NOT gay. Well- wait what the fuck! I am not gay! You stupid jew!" he was taken off camera and yelled at for a few moments and he came back into view, but by that time the entire school was laughing at the massive child. He scowled but continued "I made that up, because I wanted Token and Nichole to get together, WHICH THEY DID!" Token was frozen, not knowing any of this until now, but then Nichole waved her hand in front of him and he blinked and smiled at her. She mouthed "I'll explain later" and then their focus returned "So I will say, I'm sorry for being a deceitful bastard, and . . . I'm dumb and will never find love," and with that he suddenly punched the camera and it turned black, broken. But the whole class was cracking up. Kenny died from laughing so hard. And everyone else was to the point of tears.
Cartman never returned to class, and Kyle smirked, finally feeling everything lift off his shoulder. He later got a hold of the tape and send it to Brad Paisley, and just in time. He was about to submit lyrics for a new song based off the two. He was disappointed at first but then he got another inspiration and made a perfect top selling single on the country charts and Itunes charts. And Cartman ceased to ever forget the day that the Jew he thought he beat, had won against him.
so yahh, review, no flames, lurves yalls to bits and pieces!