Shades of Gray
An ATC for "The Gallows"
It was still well before dawn when Kitty was awakened for the second time by Matt's restless tossing. She hadn't said anything the first time—two hours ago—but this time she spoke quietly into the darkness, "Want to tell me about it?"
"No." The muffled sound told her he was turned away from her, lying on his side, face pressed into his pillow.
She rolled against his broad back and ran a soft hand down his arm. "Matt, I don't know what happened out there…." She paused and brushed her lips against his warm skin. "But I do know you've hardly slept a wink for three nights…not since you came back from Hays."
"I'm sorry I woke you, Kitty, go back to sleep."
"You sure you're all right?" She kissed his back again.
"Yeah, I just need to work out a few things…something I...something I did. I just need to get my head straight. "
She gave a short, irreverent laugh. "I've never known a straighter head than yours in my life, Matt Dillon. Whatever you did, or whatever you think you did, I know you did it for all the right reasons. "
"Maybe. But I…." He stopped and threw his long legs over the side of the bed. "I better get going…need to ride out to the Harvey place this morning." He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "I'll see you later, Kitty."
XXXXX
That evening Matt finished his rounds early, but instead of stopping by the Long Branch for his usual nightcap, he made his way up the rickety wooden steps that ran along the side of the general store.
"You have a minute, Doc?"
"I do, but I think you might need more than that."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
The old physician carefully bookmarked the page he was reading and unhooked his spectacles from around his ears. As he carefully folded them into their case, he answered, "It means I can't help noticing that something's been bothering you ever since you came back from Hays. I've seen your reaction to hangings before, so I don't think it's that."
Matt perched on the edge of the examining table. "Doc, you took an oath, didn't you…that thing doctors say about doing no harm?"
"Yes, indeed…proudest day of my life when I stood up there and swore by Apollo to 'prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone….primum non nocere.'
Doc's faded blue eyes took on a faraway look as he continued, "All that may come to my knowledge in the exercise of my profession or in daily commerce with men, which ought not to be spread abroad, I will keep secret and will never reveal."
He stopped and his eyes focused squarely on the big marshal uncomfortably shifting his hat from hand to hand. "Yes, sir, Matt, that was one proud day."
Then he reached into the bottom drawer of his desk and took out a whiskey bottle and two glasses. "But I'm pretty sure you didn't come up here at eleven o'clock at night just to hear me recite the Hippocratic Oath." He filled the glasses and handed one to his guest. "So, if there's something you'd like to talk about, I'm listening."
Matt took a long swallow of the bitter liquid and stared into his glass. "You ever do anything to….uh, to defile that oath, Doc…something you weren't proud of? Oh, I know you never did harm to anyone, but…"
"But have I ever done something old Hippocrates and the ancient Greeks might not approve of…something they might deem not worthy of the sacred trust bestowed upon me?" Doc took a swallow of his own drink. "Yes, Matt, I suppose I have."
"You, Doc? Really?" Dillon's eyebrows rose in disbelief.
"Yes, me, Matt. I'm just an ordinary man who has tried to live his life according to the oath he swore to uphold, but…well, that hasn't always been possible. I can assure you, though, that if I strayed from the tenets of that oath, I did it for the best of reasons and because I had thought on it, perhaps even prayed on it, and was convinced it was the right thing to do." The old man paused and swiped at his mustache. "And, by golly, I know you did that, too, Matt."
Matt cocked his head and looked at the man he had come to respect above all others. "But I haven't told you what happened…what I did."
"No need to. It doesn't matter. You've never made a frivolous decision in all the years I've known you."
"So, you're saying that if a man does something for the right reason, even if it's the wrong thing to do, it's all right?"
"Shades of gray, son, shades of gray," he replied and refilled their glasses.
"What about the oath I took? What about honor?"
"Well, Matt, I don't think I can improve on what that old bard Shakespeare wrote a couple centuries ago. 'If it be of the general good, set honor in one eye, and death in the other and I will look on both indifferently. For let the gods so speed me as I love the name of honor more then I fear death!'"
"Yeah, well…my honor could have cost me my badge. "
Doc's head jerked up. "What did Kitty say about that?"
"I haven't…" Matt looked down at his boots. "She doesn't know."
"By thunder, Matt, you two are close," Doc again swept his hand across his mustache, this time in an effort to hide his smile, "very close. You're going to stand there and tell me she hasn't noticed there's something bothering you…and asked you about it?"
"She noticed."
"And?"
"She asked me."
"And?"
"And I told her I needed…needed to work out a few things."
"Kitty deserves better than that, Matt. What are you afraid of…that she'll realize her idol has feet of clay? That you're human? She knows that, and she's in love with you in spite of it….more likely, because of it. And, by golly, I thought you cared for her, too. You don't shut out someone who's important to you. It's wrong…it's just wrong." He paused at the abashed look on the younger man's face. "I'm sorry, Matt. That's not why you came up here. How can I help you?"
"You just did." Matt swallowed the rest of his drink and placed the empty glass on the desk. "Thanks."
The old doctor smiled and shook his head as he stared at the lawman's retreating back.
XXXXX
Matt crossed the alley and climbed the stairs to the back balcony above the Long Branch. He knocked lightly on the door to Kitty's room, and then inserted his key into the lock.
"Matt?" She came into the room fresh from her bath, knotting a soft blue dressing gown around her slender waist. "I wasn't sure you were coming. I haven't seen you all day…was there trouble?"
She sat down at her dressing table and, in the reflection of the looking glass, watched him hang his hat on the wooden peg by the door and unbuckle his gunbelt. He toed off his boots as quickly as possible and padded up behind her, bending his head to press his lips into the red locks curling damply against the nape of her neck. "No trouble, just getting my head straight."
"Did you?"
He took the brush from her hand and pulled it through the red mane cascading down her back. "I think so. I didn't mean to shut you out, Kitty. Honest. It's just that…well, for a lot of years, I was pretty much a loner… depending on myself, doing things my way and not…not sharing my thoughts and feelings with anyone else. Doing that is still kind of new to me. But I'm ready to…I'd like… to tell you what happened out there. That is if you still want to listen."
"Oh, Matt, of course I want to listen. Sit down." She edged over on the chintz covered seat, and, with a practiced move, he straddled the narrow bench and drew her into the space between his thighs.
Taking a deep breath, he met her eyes in the mirror. "I let Pruitt Dover escape."
Surprised at his words, she turned to face him. "Then he didn't hang? He's still alive? Oh, Matt, that's wonder…."
"No, damned fool wouldn't listen. He came back…made me take him to Hays. He's dead all right."
She sighed and stroked his face. "Maybe you better tell it from the beginning."
Sometimes looking at her directly, and when that became too uncomfortable, watching her reflection in the mirror, he did. From beginning to end, he told her the events that had transpired from the morning he left Dodge with his prisoner to the night he returned, alone and drained, to her warm bed and the comfort of her arms.
When he finished, she faced him and brushed his lips with her own. "You did the right thing, Matt."
"Since when is it right for a lawman to allow…hell, to encourage…a prisoner to escape?"
She leaned into his broad chest. "That's what's really bothering you, isn't it?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
She turned his face toward the looking glass. "Look in there, Matt. Look at yourself and tell me what you see."
Not certain what response was expected, he began hesitantly. "I see, uh, myself…a man…with a badge on his chest."
"What else?" she prompted.
He shrugged.
Still looking into the mirror, she spoke to him. "Let me tell you what I see. Beneath that badge you wear and that gun you carry, there's a sweet, gentle, caring man—a good man. You like to, probably need to, keep him hidden, but I've seen him many times. And Pruitt Dover saw him, too. He couldn't let a good man lose his job, maybe do jail time, because of him. That's why he didn't run."
"But…"
"Don't try to second guess what happened, Matt. If Dover hadn't returned, I know you'd have done what had to be done—taken the consequences."
"We'll never know that for sure, will we?" He looked away from her steady gaze.
"One of us does, and that's good enough for me. And in your heart, you know it, too. You need to stop beating yourself up over this, Matt." Taking his hand in hers, she stood and led him toward the bed. "Let's get some sleep."
x
He reached for her hand in the dark. "Have I ever told you how important you are to me?"
She squeezed the big hand wrapped around her own. "Not in so many words, no."
He rolled over and propped himself on his forearm, peering through the dark to see her face. "Then it's about time I did. You really are important to me, Kitty. Very important. I…I like having you in my life, and I hope…I hope you'll stay there for a very long time. "
She reached her arms around his neck and pulled his face down to hers, shifting to align her body beneath his. "I'm not going anywhere, Cowboy."
The End