Chapter One – Suffocating.
Do you ever just sit around and listen to music? Like, not in the mornings on the way to school, because you have nothing better to do, or your favorite singer put up a new video. I mean actually sit down and listen to the lyrics. Just letting the music flow through you as your thoughts dance along to the rhythm. And then there's that one lyric that just sends you into an endless spiral of thinking because it strongly reminds you of yourself. If you've done this or you've experienced this, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
It was just one lyric. One and all of a sudden, I couldn't hear the song anymore. The rest of the lyrics didn't matter. That one line stood out like Justin Bieber on BET. I was listening to There is a Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths. It's a great song and I've listened to it several times before. But today was one of those days where I just stared up at my bedroom ceiling and let the lyrics take me away from the harsh reality happening outside of my house. I needed something to distract me from the anxiety I began to feel from the upcoming World Meeting. Anyway, my mouth began to sync the words when all of a sudden,
"Because it's not my home. It's their home, and I'm not welcome no more."
I couldn't stop the tears from slipping out of my eyes. Suddenly, the song sounded far away. One simple lyric and it spoke so much to me. Being a member of the 'FACE Family' wasn't as hard as one might've thought. I honestly wouldn't consider them my family. You see, I can tell when I'm unwanted and trust me, they probably wish I'd fall off of the map. Arthur still hates me for the Revolutionary War, Francis thinks I'm some sort of idiotic whale, and Matthew just thinks I'm a narcissist. They've never tried to understand me. I've tried to live up to their standards but one could only do so much. Soon enough, I just stopped attending whatever 'family outing' they've invited me on. I'm pretty sure they got the message because they've stopped trying to get me to come over for the holidays. Now I understand how that sounds, why wouldn't I go visit for the Holidays? Surely, they must be happy times, right? Wrong. Every time we all get together, no matter the occasion, the just insult me and pick out my flaws. I guess they figure that I'm just some idiot without feelings.
Anyway, I normally don't get to emotional about my 'family.' I usually just brush them off but I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been feeling pretty down ever since my car radio got stolen last month. I replaced it, of course, but still. Soon, my pitiful tears turned into silently sobbing into my pillow. I didn't exactly know what I was crying for. I do know, however, that it wasn't just my family that was making me feel down. It's like everything that I've ever held back just came crashing down me at once and that's not a good feeling. I felt as if I was suffocating. I wanted someone to come reassure me but who would care about me? I'm the stupid, fat, and ugly United States of America. Everyone hates me. With that in mind, my sobs got louder and I continued to feel suffocated as The Smiths played on loop in the background.