FIFTH SEASON BLUES - PART 1
Chef smirked maliciously as he stood at the dock of shame, ready to open up Total Drama's fifth season.
"Welcome back to Wawanakwa everybody watching! We're here to bring you season five of Total Drama, Total... Drama... Chef! Why "Total Drama Chef"? Cause I didn't know what to name the darn season, and since I'm hosting and deserve to have something named after me, I settled on that. And if you don't like that..." Chef got his face in the camera, "BUILD YOURSELF A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT! Anyways, you're probably wondering where Chris is. Hee hee, I'll explain that in due time, but now we must introduce the worst part of my job. The stupid, snot-nose, ungrateful, hormone-filled whiner brat contestants that I'll have to feed, create challenges for, and eventually give a million dollars that could be going to me."
As the cook said these words, a large helicopter flew in from the distance. Chef rolled his eyes as he thought of the returning teens.
"Through the highly complicated process of eeney meny miney moe, I randomly selected twenty weirdoes from the past four seasons, and you'd better like them all!" Hatchet then pulled out a megaphone from his pants, "BRING EM OUT BOYS! I hand-picked five buff interns to throw the kids out of the copter into the lake for what I know will be an exciting entrance. Let's get this done! From Total Drama Revenge of the Island, we have pants-wetting cadet, Brick!"
"Reporting for season five of Total Drama, sir!" Brick proudly proclaimed before diving into the waters below.
"We also have the ruthless jockette Jo, who was shockingly eliminated because of a pencil child."
Jo glared at the new host at the door of the helicopter, "Shut up Chef! You can kiss my-" before she could curse, a giant boot kicked her by the seat of her pants, and out of the plane, "AHHHHHHH!"
"Speaking of being beaten by a pencil child, we have the annoying athletic overachiever, Lightning!"
"Sha-Lightning wasn't beaten by anybody!" Lightning shouted in denial, "Sha-Lightning won, cause I'm amazing! Sha-bam!" The jock was then promptly shoved off.
"Also returning," Chef continued, "Is fan favorite moonchild Dawn!"
"Greetings fellow competitors." Dawn peacefully waved before jumping out of the flying machine. As she did this, an eagle soared by and she landed on it, and she began flying through the skies. This experience ended when Chef got out his anesthetic gun out of his pants and shot the eagle, downing the creature and Dawn.
"Curse you!" Dawn yelped slowly as she descended.
"I knew this would come in handy." Chef laughed and he placed the device back in his pants, "We also got silent B!"
B opted to give a simple peace sign to the audience as he fell.
"Tanned Jersey-Shore reject Anne Maria!"
"Oh nah ah." Anne Maria shook her head, "I'm gonna ruin my shoes if I get in there!."
Her concerns were not heard as buff hands grabbed her poof and flung her into the lake.
"Mutant-loving gamer boy Sam!"
"What?" the gamer asked as he descended. The boy still didn't realize he was even in a season of Total Drama, as he was too focused on his game of Pac-Man.
"And finally, the annoying compulsive liar, Staci!"
"You know, my great great grandpa Pubert invented openings. Before then people used to just start things... wait, what?" the girl had confused herself as she landed in the blue liquid below her.
"And now!" Chef grinned as he rubbed his hands together, "From our first cast, we have the likes of the pathetic jock, Tyler.
"I'm not pathetic!" Tyler insisted, "I am awesome! And I'm gonna extreme belly flop into this season!" The poor boy jumped and landed front side first into the water, which felt like a soft, brick wall.
"Also returning is creepily obsessed fan girl, Sierra!"
"No!" Sierra screamed as she fought the intern who was trying to throw her out, "Just ten more pictures of the helicopter! The fans need it!" After a long and violent struggle, the underpaid intern managed to get the purple-haired blogger off of the helicopter.
"Flirtatious geek, Cody!"
"Look out ladies!" Cody smugly grinned as he dropped, "It's the Codemiester!"
"Manipulative queen bee Heather!"
"Um, I am not jumping out of this helicopter," Heather commented as she looked at her competition. The girl did not have to jump but made it into the water regardless.
"Sarcastic bookworm, Noah!"
"Here we go again." Noah groaned as he landed in the lake.
"Crazy nut job Izzy!"
"I'm so excited!" Izzy exclaimed as she leaped out a window.
"Crazy girl! I'm gonna have to pay for that!" Chef barked, "Whatever, we also have scaredy cat teddy bear, DJ!"
"I'm tough now you guys!" DJ announced, "I'm fierce, I'm going to dominate! I'll-" DJ was shoved out, and the jock screamed for his Mama the way down.
"Are you chatterboxes done yet?!" Chef asked, "Shaddup! Anyways, also coming to compete is calm and collected surfer girl Bridgette!"
"Let's do this!" the blonde cheered as she hopped from the airplane into the water.
"The sexy fruit, Mr. Coconut!"
"Angry psychopath, Eva!"
"It's about time you let me back onto this show!" Eva roared as he cannon-balled into the sea bellow.
"Formerly feral home-school, Ezekiel!"
"Hi, eh." Ezekiel waved half-heartedly as he fell into the ocean.
"And finally, dimwitted blonde princess, Lindsay!"
"Hi Tyson, I mean Tyler! Look I'm flying!" Lindsay smiled as she flapped her hands, not flying at all.
"Idiot." Jo rolled her eyes.
"Hey, you used a word with three syllables," Noah interjected, "if you're gonna insult Lindsay, do it in ways she can at least understand."
"Oh, quiet you string bean." the blonde jock spat back.
"ATTENTION CAMPERS! SWIM TO THE SHORE FOR THE BEGINNING OF THE COMPETITION AND FURTHER INSTRUCTION! AND DO IT NOW! CHOP ! CHOP!"
"Sir yes, sir!" Brick saluted as he and many other began to swim.
"Can't I just stay here and drown instead?" Noah yawned as he reluctantly swam.
"Look out!" Lightning carelessly warned as he shoved people out-of-the-way while he swam, "Sha-Lightning is gonna get there first!"
"Hey, man! Look where you're going!" DJ scolded as the jock nearly pile drove through him.
"My great uncle taught me how to swim when I got back after last season.
"Let the fun begin!" Izzy cheered and fist-pumped as all the campers went away... all except one.
A lone coconut sat in the middle of the lake, floating and smiling.
Most of the eighteen campers who first made it to the shore all groaned as they washed up.
"I don't know about you guys..." Bridgette smiled as she cracked her back, "But that was a great swim."
"Speak for yourself." Noah panted, "Some of us aren't as athletically gifted."
B coughed up a starfish that Dawn promptly put back into the lake.
"Where's Chris?!" Anne Maria demanded, " He is so gettin' a beat down for making us swim over here. The man should know much water damages my poof."
"Chris ain't hosting this year, you babies!" Chef announced as he walked up to them, "I am!"
"Are you serious!?" Sierra was wide-eyed, " This is the most shocking and unprecedented event in Total Drama History!"
"What happened to him?" Cody asked.
"It seems that dumping toxic waste, endangering children, criminal neglect, fraud, disturbing the peace, destruction of private property, and scandalous cheating are enough to get you locked up for a long time kids. So Chris will not be back for any Total Drama season, ever!"
At this news, the campers let out a wild cheer at this information.
"Vengeance is mine, eh!" Ezekiel clapped.
"Serves the creepy jerk right." Heather grinned.
"I wouldn't be so sure that we have seen the last of Chris everyone," Dawn stated as she looked to the horizon.
"It is if the RMCP have anything to say about it." Chef Hatchet shook his head.
Don't say their name." Izzy hissed.
"Wait, who was Chris again?" Lindsay wondered aloud.
The Chris-bashing conversation ended as Lightning ran onto the shore.
"Aw yeah, Sha-Lightning made it first to the shore!"
"Um, you have to be kidding me." Heather gawked, "He can't be that stupid."
"You'd be surprised." Jo groaned.
"Alright, the allotted time for fun interactions have been used up." Chef announced "Shaddup and follow me to the bonfire pit where we'll explain the rules and teams and that junk."
With that, the kids begrudgingly walked with their new tormentor to where all but one would leave in the sad reality that they lost a million dollar competition.
"So Brick." Anne Maria asked as she walked alongside him, "How was fashion school? Was it amazing?"
"I must report the opposite." Brick sighed, "I thought I was making beautiful clothes, but I was expelled and blacklisted for crimes against fashion."
"That's like, the most heinous crime ever!" Lindsay gasped.
"Aw, sorry Brick baby." Anne Maria apologized, "If it makes you feel any better, your army fatigue doesn't make me want to stab my eyes out."
"Why thank you Anne Maria." the cadet smiled, "I appreciate it."
"You smell that?" Sierra asked B, "It's the smell of a new TD ship. I'm gonna call it Branna-Maria."
B quickly walked away from the purple-haired fan, creeped out.
"Alright kids," Chef called out as they entered the bonfire area, "Find a seat."
"Okay Chef." Cody said as he and the others took their seats, 'Hows this season gonna go down? Are the cabins co-ed?"
"Can they not be?" Bridgette pleaded as she gave Cody a quick glare.
"My uncle Johnny came up with the idea of co-ed rooms." Staci chuckled, "He was beaten to death by a group of women."
"Will y'all shut your mouths so I can tell you!?" Chef boomed, "Now listen up you whiners! For the next twenty-one days, you will be staying on this island competing in challenges, eating my gourmet food, and more dangerously, interact with each other. I'm sure you're gonna want to talk crap behind each others back, so we have the same confessional in the same place we've always kept it."
"Aw, yeah! I'm back baby!" Tyler cheered in the first confessional of the season, "And to make things even better, Lindsay remembers who I am this time, Haha!" This season is totally mine."
The jock's wild cheering ended when he fist pumped right into the ceiling of the iconic outhouse, giving him many splinters.
"Hmmm." Dawn sat in the confessional for a quick meditation session, "In the future… I see… huh, nothing. Nothing at all."
The eyes of the moonchild fluttered open as she began stroking her chin.
"The future of this island, and that of all who currently reside in it are clouded in mystery. Should be an interesting season.
"O. M. G." Sierra squealed to herself as she sat on a throne of grace, "I am sitting in the actual Total Drama confessional! How exciting! Gotta take one selfie before I go."
She gave a giant grin to her phone and snapped a photo.
"Now, I am very sure you kids are very excited to find what teams you'll be on." the cook chuckled.
"Oh I am so freaking excited Chefy-poo." Noah fake grinned, "Please tell me which of these fine people I'll have to spend time with against my will."
"Don't worry Noah." Heather scoffed, "If you're on my team you will be the first one to go. You're completely."
"What she said!" Lightning agreed, "Sha-wimp."
"Um, like you guys are two to talk. I mean last time I checked..." Eva began as she stomped in front of the twosome, "... you're an idiot! And you're a scum sucking, short-short wearing little traitor!"
"Excuse me?!" Heather leered.
"You heard me!"
"Come on guys." Bridgette insisted, "Can't we all just get along? Seriously, we just got here!"
"Yeah!" DJ nodded, "What Bridgette said!"
"What, are you two? Some kind of pacifist pansies?" Jo rolled her eyes.
"Well I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to have to do something very un-pacifist-like if y'all don't shut up and let me spew the seasonal exposition!" Chef shouted, getting their attention, "Alright, listen closely and don't move your mouths. The following campers are on the Screaming Coconuts...
Noah...
Cody...
Tyler...
B...
Mr. Coconut...
Eva...
Izzy...
Dawn...
Sierra...
and Lindsay..."
"Yays!" Lindsay clapped, "Me and Tyler are on the same team."
"This is awesome!" Tyler said, "Thanks a million Chef!"
"WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT TALKING?!" the psycho Chef screamed in his face, "The rest of you...
Brick...
Sam...
Lightning...
Ezekiel...
DJ...
Staci...
Bridgette...
Anne Maria...
Heather...
and Jo will be on the Killer Apples. Now you guys go to your cabins and unpack, Apples get the cabin on the right while the Coconuts get the one on the left. Be back here in ten minutes for your first challenge of the season!"
"I would be looking forward to watching the challenge." Chef began in his first confessional as host, "But I cannot find the key to the camera room! None of the interns seem to have it either. Dumb Chris must have lost it… I wonder how pretty boy is doing in prison, anyhow?"
"I call top bunk!" Tyler announced as he raced into the room.
"Be careful now Tyler." Noah warned, "All this light jogging might cause you to hurt yourself."
The sporto glared back at the smirking cynic, causing him to not look where he was going and hurt himself.
"Yo Noah." Cody tapped his friends shoulder, "Mind if we share a bunk?"
"Why? So we can give our shippers more "evidence"? I don't think so. I think I'll bunk with Mr. Coconut." Noah informed. B shrugged at the situation and took the bottom bunk of the bed where Tyler was on the top.
"Well, okay then." Cody winced, "Guess it's nice to have a bunk to myself."
"I'm living the dream!" Sierra said as she bubbled over in euphoria.
"Well." Dawn rubbed the back of her head, "I just watched Sierra's aura do back flips, somersaults, and sing 'Hallelujah', gospel choir style. That is certainly a first."
"There are so many memories in this place." Izzy grinned as she set her stuff down, "Ooo! A cockroach!"
"AUGH!" Lindsay screamed, "Please kill it with fire."
"Izzy can get fire." the redhead cackled as she pulled out a flamethrower from her bag and fried the bug.
"Oh thank you!" Lindsay hugged Izzy, "You're my hero."
"The term would be 'heroine'." Sierra corrected as she uploaded a fiery snapshot to the wiki.
"Izzy you're incredibly hardcore!" Eva said as she pat her friends back, "And that is by far your best quality."
"How could you kill something so brutally?" Dawn gasped, "That little creature had a soul, feelings and hopes and dreams!"
"Who cares." Eva rolled her eyes, "Get over it, hippie."
"Hippie?" the moonchild raised her eyebrow.
"You heard me."
"Don't fight John and Ava." Lindsay pleaded, "You just met."
"Will I have to make a Dawn and Eva conflict page on the wiki?" Sierra asked.
"Don't worry." Izzy assured as she put her arm around Dawn, "That little guy probably had the biggest adrenaline rush of his life! And he's in cockroach heaven."
"Well." the light-blonde nodded, "He is one with nature. So I suppose he's fine."
"Sha-bam!" Lightning cheered as he and the other boys entered the cabin, "This is the winners cabin!"
"I won!" Sam cheered, talking about his game of course, "An extra life is earned to me!"
"Well gentlemen." Brick addressed, "I hope we all triumph in this game."
"I hear ya man." DJ agreed, "I ain't going to be fooling around this time like years past. I'm winning this thing."
"Well, you are sha-staken. No one is going to be winning but sha-Lightning." Lightning shook his head, "Particularly ones named Cameron."
"Solider..." Brick began as he winced from the fire in Lightning's eyes, "You know he's not competing this year, right?"
"Whatever." the jock ignored, "There's still losers like him."
Lightning pointed at Ezekiel, who was getting settled in.
"Oh don't worry, eh." Zeke reassured, "I don't want to be voted out first again, so I'm gonna do my very best!"
"Well, your sha-best is probably sha-crap!"
"Hey bro!" DJ interjected, "Be nice!"
I would never tell this to Zeke to his face." Lightning said, "But I'm afraid of sha-people like him. For all I know, he could beat me! After all, that's what Cam did."
The jock looked heartbroken as he stared at the floor.
"I can't let some random underdog beat me again. Pops was so disappointed in me last time. He lost all his rings! I just… I just can't..."
The jock let out a sniffle before quickly composing himself
"But that's why I'm sha-tearing Sha-Zeke down now. I have to defeat him before he becomes a threat. Sha-mean sure, but I don't care that much. I gotta win.
Ezekiel walked into the confessional, sat down, and prepared to say something. But the recovering feral just shook his head in anger and mumbled to himself as he left the confessional.
"You are not spraying this in here, Jersey shore reject!" Jo shouted as she tried to take Anne Maria's spray can from her hands.
"Oh no no no." the hard-headed girl fought back, yanking her possession back, "You ain't takin' the thing that gives me my poof!"
"Girls. Don't fight." Bridgette said as she broke them up, "We literally just got here. How are you gonna do the challenge if you give each other black eyes?"
"My great great great grandfather Cloyd invented black eyes." Staci chimed in, before him, when people's eyes were punched they would turn green with orange spots!"
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever chatty fatty." Jo shot back. The compulsive liar growled back at her.
"Ugh..." Bridgette groaned, "I'm stuck in a cabin with a bunch of catty girls who are going to fight all the time."
"Oh cheer up Bridgette!" Heather fake-comforted her, "Maybe they'll all kill each other during one of their fights. And then we will have the cabin to ourselves!"
The blonde stared at the queen bee for five seconds before shaking her head and walking out of the cabin.
"That was called dark humor!" the female strategist called out, "Gosh, some people just can't take a joke."
"Ugh, I can't believe this is where I'm gonna have to come to get some peace and quiet." Bridgette cringed at the disgustingness of the outhouse, "This going to be a long season."
"Come on out kids!" Chef said loudly through his megaphone. All nineteen teens trickled out and eventually surrounded their host, "Your first challenge is a very simple one. As a matter of fact its more of an individual one than anything.
"This time, you must hide from a woman who will be searching everywhere for you. If she finds and catches you, she will spank you three times, signifying that you are nothing but a loser who lost the challenge. The last person not spanked wins the challenge for their team. The sad losers will be voting off one of their own tonight. Any questions?"
"Yes." Noah said, not waiting or caring to be called on, "Who will be chasing us? Tell me you didn't bail some serial killer out of jail to do this."
"Actually." Chef Hatchet grinned, "Your hunter will be a woman that someone here happens to know VERY well. Cause your tormentor for the next twenty-two minutes is MAMA DJ!"
The campers gasped as the woman came out of the bushes grasping a wooden spoon.
"Hi smoochey poo!" Mama called out to her son, who nervously waved back, "What, no hello?"
"Great." DJ groaned, "Part of the reason I came here to get away from my mama. Don't get me wrong, I still love her more than anything, but I was obsessed with her to an unhealthy degree. Hopefully, she's only here for this challenge. If I want to be successful in changing who I've become, I'm gonna need some space.
"Alright kids." Mama DJ started, "You have exactly ten seconds starting now to get a head-start from me. Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven!"
"Why are you all sha-running so fast?" Lightning laughed as he saw everyone else run off, "She's an old woman, she'll hurt her back after breathing too hard."
"Oh, your butt is mine!" Mama DJ declared, "Six! Five! Four! Three!"
That's when Mama began to run toward Lightning at an incredibly fast rate.
"Sha-hey!" Lightning objected as he quickly began to back away, "You gave us a head start."
"Kids lose privileges when they decide to be smart mouths! Two!" the woman raised her spoon.
It was at this time the athletic overachiever realized he was in trouble and began sprinting away, screaming.
"One!"
Lightning was running through the woods for his very life, sprinting from the wrath Mama DJ was surely going to let loose on his posterior.
"She's an old woman…" Lighting laughed nervously, "So she can't catch me, sha-right?"
The black jock was still sprinting away when he decided to look behind him. He saw a lot of trees, but no Mama DJ.
"Sha-booyah! I outran the old ba-" Lightning then learned the valuable lesson of always looking where your going, as the boy ran into a giant tree.
"Aw, that hurts..." Lightning winced as a tear fell down his cheek. During his suffering, a shadow moved over him, that shadow belonged to Mama DJ, who had caught up with Lightning.
"You thought I was some slow old person?" she rhetorically asked, "WELL YOU WOULD BE FALSE."
She then proceeded to spank the arrogant guy three times, eliminating him first from the challenge.
"NO!" Lightning began to cry, " I sha-lost! This is impossible!"
"Oh don't be a bad sport you baby." Mama DJ commanded, "Go to the mess hall and wait for the challenge to be over."
Lightning ran off crying through the woods, not taking his loss well.
While most everyone else was running around, hiding, Noah was relaxing as he sat in his cabin bed, reading.
"Ugh, I hope this season goes by quickly." Noah spoke out loud. Then, the door slammed open, luckily for him, it wasn't Mama DJ, but rather Chef Hatchet, who came to look through the campers stuff for his own amusement.
"What the- Noah! You're supposed to be participating in the challenge!" the new host scolded.
"Well Chef, I am. When DJ's mom shows up I'm planning on simply hiding under my covers, and so my body won't bulge out, I've made a complete mess with my bed that is sure blend me in." the schemer explained, "It a perfect plan to require little effort on my part. "
"What if she catches you before you hide under the covers ya dope?"
"Do you really think I care that much?" Noah smirked, "At least it's a better plan than Lindsay over there."
Lindsay had half over her body hidden under a blanket of a top bunk while one-half stuck out.
"Is Maple PJ here yet?" the blonde inquired.
"She is now! And honey, it's Mama DJ" Mama said as she shoved Chef out-of-the-way and marched through the doorway.
"Well, crap." Noah commented.
"Turn around so I can spank your lazy bottom!"
"No." the Indian teen went back to reading before the woman turned him around and spanked him three times.
"Go back to the mess hall! You've lost."
"Meh, that's fine." Noah replied as he walked out of the cabin, "I can read in peace."
"I wouldn't count on it." Mama DJ called back, "That one jock is in there crying himself to death."
She then looked at the half of Lindsay sticking out, walked, over and spanked her butt.
"Ooo! Did I win?" the idiot asked sincerely.
"No!" Mama replied, "You lost. Go and wait for the challenge to be over!"
"How am I supposed to get a lifetime supply of lip gloss at this rate?" Lindsay sighed, "And I still don't get how this thing works, there's never a camera guy."
"Oh isn't the flora and fauna of this island just lovely?" Dawn said to B and Bridgette as they skedaddled from the cabins into the forest, "Its aura is so much brighter now that all that horrible toxic waste is gone."
"You know Dawn, it's really cool that you can read auras. How are you able to do it?" Bridgette asked. B nodded his head in approval signifying he really wanted to know too.
"Oh it is far too long of a story." the moonchild shook her head, "And it's filled with such violence."
"Violence?" Bridgette raised an eyebrow.
"Oh yes, I had to destroy a pack of ninjas so I could meditate with some monk in a temple. But that's much too long a story. But enough about me, how are you Bridgette? Did you get accepted into Marine Biology Institute of Vancouver school?"
"Hey, how did you know that?"
"Oh Bridge, dear, your soul reads like an open book."
"Really?" Bridgette then began to mumble to herself, "Not sure how I feel about that."
After a few more minutes of walking, they discovered a small lake.
"I have found my hiding spot!" Dawn cheered. She then swan dived into the lake.
"I wonder how long she can last in there?" Bridgette asked herself. When she turned to walk away, she caught sight of B cutting open a rock with some weird tool of his. It was an even stranger sight to watch the inventor jam him in the hole he had made.
"Dawn and B are really weird." Bridgette chuckled, "But they seem really sweet and chill. I really wish I was on a team with them instead of what I have now."
Brick and Anne Maria were running side by side away from the campgrounds into the forest.
"Ma'am, you can really run!" Brick complimented.
"Oh, thanks Brick." The tan girl nodded as she continued to run, "My mom made me do this sport. Think it was called Cross Canada or somethin'. But I got kicked out after da first meet."
"What happened?"
"I stopped too much during the race to spray my hair. But c'mon! Look at me and my poof. It has to come first. Speaking of which..." Anne Maria pulled out her can and began to spray her hair, making the air less than breathable.
"Anne Maria a fine teammate." Brick nodded to himself, "I'll just have to avoid her when she's spraying her hair. Because wowee. You need a gas mask when pulls that stuff out. Heh.
"Ahh!" the jersey shore reject screamed as she screeched to a halt.
"What's wrong?" Brick asked as he rushed to her aid. The girl was pointing to a rather large cockroach.
"That is disgusting! Kill it with fire!"
"Aw, it's not that gross." Brick chuckled as he let it crawl on his finger, "Although I have been to boot camp, so I'm a bit desensitized to stuff like this."
"Sorry for freakin' out." Anne Maria apologized, "I am not a fan of gross things at all. I just can't stand dem."
"Oh don't worry about it, ma'am, we all have our fears."
They then heard the screams of Lightning close by, followed by three smacks, "Oh no! She's coming! We have to run!"
And run they did.
"Five hundred and seven! Five hundred and eight! Five hundred and nine!" Jo grunted as she did sit-ups on her hiding place, the roof of the mess hall, "Five hundred and ten! Phew!"
The jockette wiped her brow as she looked into the sky.
"No one can stand in my way." Jo cackled, "I am going to dominate this game. Particularity this challenge, no way that old bag is gonna climb up here."
"Ugh..." Cody groaned. The geek was already tired from a short run through the forest, "Man, I really need to work out. Get fit and impress the ladies."
As Cody walked around, he discovered a purple-haired super fan.
"Sierra!" Cody exclaimed. This caused the girl to turn from her contraband laptop, "Oh no... here it comes. I hope she doesn't ask me for a foot rub."
"Oh, hi Cody!" Sierra warmly greeted, quickly turning back to what she was typing.
"Hi?" Cody said to himself, "All she said was hi? That's it? No tackling or drooling on my face?"
Cody didn't know what to say, he was shocked.
"I guess I should be relieved." the brunette nervously chuckled, "She's not obsessed with me anymore, which is, like, a good thing."
Cody decided he did not have anything better to do and went over to make conversation.
"Hey Sierra, whatcha doing?"
"Aww, are you keeping me company? How sweet!"
"What? No, I'm not- Well I am. But it's not romantic. I don't have a crush or you or want to make babies! Please, no foot rubs!" Cody was freaking the heck out.
"Why are you so nervous?" Sierra giggled, "I don't have a crush on you anymore."
"... What?"
"I know, shocking." Sierra said, "But I've moved on, and I'm getting less into Total Drama. I mean I still love it, I'm making a blog post on the wiki as we peak, but I was admittedly a bit too obsessed, to say the least. My therapist says I am getting a lot better."
"Wow..." the techie was absolutely stunned, "I don't know what to say. "
"I know, after how absolutely insane I was it must be very odd to hear me saying these things."
A rustling was heard in the bushes.
"What was that?" Cody asked nervously. His answer was given to him as Mama DJ pounced on them from the buses.
"Your fannies are mine!" she declared as she grabbed Cody and spanked him in the bottom three times.
"Run Sierra!" Cody called out, "Save yourself!"
"Way ahead of you!" Sierra called back, already sprinting off. Unfortunately, she ran straight into a random spot of quicksand, "Dang it! I of all people should have known about this!"
In a matter of moments, Mama DJ found and spanked her.
"Join Cody and report to the mess hall! You're a loser!"
"Okay." Sierra nodded, "But, LOL, could you help me out of here, please?"
Mama rolled her eyes and quickly yanked her out of where she was trapped. Sierra thanked the woman and left, but not before putting some of the Wawanakwa sand in her pockets.
"Stupid branches!" Heather cursed as one bashed her in the face. Shortly after the queen bee cursed the roots of the same tree once she hurt herself tripping over it.
"Argh! I hate this place!" the Asian screamed, sending birds flapping into the skies. Unfortunately, she disturbed Sasquatchinakwa with her loud voice, and said the creature began to chase the girl, causing her to get more branches to the face.
"I. Cannot. Stand. This. Stupid. Show." Heather raged, "Once I win the money I'm going to firebomb this place to ashes.
"Stop chasing me you freak of nature!" Heather shrieked and panted. As she raced for her life she caught in the corner of her eye a random shed and quickly ran to it.
"Please don't find me..." she pleaded to herself as she hid behind the flimsy building. The purple creature had luckily lost sight of her, and started to cry because of it, running away back to cave he crawled from.
"Ha! Yes!" Heather cheered. The teen quickly realized how stupid it was to cheer loudly, and quickly entered the shed to hide, "This is perfect. I'll hide from the stupid Yeti or whatever that thing is called. AND I'll hide from Mama DJ in here, a perfect strategy for this challenge. Chef made it too easy."
The word 'strategy' made Heather remember something, she may have had a good strategy for the challenge, but she didn't really have one for the game. To make a long story short, this was not a good thing at all.
"Hmm, let's see. Think Heather, you're the master manipulator, the greatest adversary this game has ever and will ever see... I could manipulate one of the newbies. Yeah, I'll... wait, no I can't. One of them is a fat nerd, one of them's Eva 2.0, that fat pink one is the most irritating person in the game, and the rest definitely are gonna see through my playing of them... Well, I could pretend to be nice..." the last statement made Heather crack up.
Heather looked legitimately frightened as she sat in the confessional.
"Crap. I am so screwed. I, Heather, do not have a strategy. What am I going to do? How on earth will I win my million dollars without strategy?!
After twenty minutes of coming up with absolutely nothing, Heather was bug-eyed and going insane. She had not had a block in her brain for making a plan for something since daycare days.
"I could-No! That's the stupidest thing I have ever thought. Lindsay would scoff at that. maybe I will-No! I can manip-No! AUGH!" the queen bee let out one last scream as an intern came in through the door, looking for a mop. He was a black-haired, pudgy little guy sporting the normal red intern uniform and glasses.
"Uh... Can I help you miss?" he asked. Heather looked up at the unpaid worker and was about to tell him to scram when an idea came into her brain. It had failed for DJ and Blainley, but she was different. She was the greatest adversary the game had ever known. Yes, the plan she was formulating was so crazy it just might work.
"Are you someone who works for the show?!" she demanded as she grabbed him. The frightened intern nodded slowly, "Then wanna be in an alliance with me?! You help me whatever the heck I want and I give you some of the prize money. Deal?!"
"Wait, I'll actually get paid!" the face of the intern lit up, "Then sure, I guess."
"Great!" Heather squealed as she began to do a happy dance.
As Heather danced Mama DJ barged in and spanked her.
"What the?" Heather questioned as her good mood and craziness got spanked right out of her, "How did you find me?"
"Shut your mouth and head over to the mess hall. You're a loser."
"Ugh, whatever." Heather rolled her eyes as she stormed off, "You don't know anything you old bag."
That earned the teen an extra swat.
The sounds and music of Pac-Man filled the forest as Sam wandered along never realizing he was competing in a million dollar game.
Sam still did not realize he was in a season of Total Drama when he wandered into the confessional outhouse.
"Woo hoo! New high score! I'm thirty-seven percent of the way there!"
"Almost got it..." the gamer said, "Yes! A thousand bonus points!"
As the brunette rejoiced, Mama DJ stumbled upon him and gave him three spankings.
"Boy, you didn't even try." mama scolded, "Go to the mess hall."
"Yeah, yeah." Sam ignored as he nonchalantly walked to the mess hall anyways.
"It's like a disease." the woman shook her head, "These kids and their screens."
"First thing I'm gonna do when I am the prime minister is ban any teenager from using electronics." Mama explained, "They can go fly kites or something."
"If I'm going to have to hide for God-knows-how-long, I'm getting a freaking snack." Eva grumbled as she and Izzy raided the camp kitchen, "Ooo! Mutton!"
"This is so much fun!" Izzy giggled as she threw a bunch of knives into her bag of food, "I love knives."
"Are you going to eat them or something, Iz?"
"Of course! It's my fourth favorite food!"
"Your such a weirdo."
"Thank you!"
"I knew you'd say that." Eva chuckled. For a few more minutes they cleared out the camp kitchen of all its good food and knives, they proceeded to sneak out.
"I cannot believe someone who had all this good food still makes such crap." the angry girl scoffed.
"Izzy has a theory about that. I think when he was nine, he was cooking a dinner all by himself, and it was super good, like quality food. But then a bunch of clowns broke into his kitchen, bit him, and threw him in the basement. So now he has a phobia of cooking good food."
"How did you know that?!" Chef bellowed as he stood in the doorway, "And how dare you sneak in and steal all my good food. Drop your bags, NOW!"
"What?" Eva laughed, "Are you supposed to intimidate us? You don't scare me."
"I've beaten you up, you marshmallow." Izzy cackled, "So I really don't see I'm supposed to be scared of you, even a little bit."
"Well, you should be scared of me." Mama DJ declared as she shoved Chef out-of-the-way, "Your butts are mine!"
"I don't think so." Eva smiled. Izzy then kicked the spoon out of the hands of DJ's mother, sending it behind the fridge.
"You brats!" Mama spat as she ran to get her wooden spanking device. The female twosome then plowed through Chef Hatchet like he was nothing.
"I don't get paid enough for this..." he moaned in pain.
"I lost track of Lindsay in the mad dash from Mama DJ." Tyler explained, "So I'm gonna use my amazing skills of flexibility! Extreme flexibility!
Tyler opened the doors to the bathroom and tip toed in and made sure he was alone. After, he got in a sink and began to disgustingly bend his own body so that it would fit entirely in the sink.
"And..." Tyler said as he bent the last muscle, "Got it! ha ha! no one will ever find me here!"
"My second cousin twice removed invented bulldozers. Boy could I really use one now." Staci grumbled as she walked through the seemingly never-ending forest. The compulsive liar was not a happy camper, she was hurt and lost.
"You know, it's not easy being a compulsive liar." Staci sniffled, "Everyone just writes you off as an annoying fat girl and never gives you a chance. They just don't understand that I annoy myself just like I annoy them. They don't know that I fight my constant lying... but it's not like they care."
"They think I'm just some loser. Ha!" Staci darkly laughed, "I am going to win this thing. They won't see it coming, just like the opponents of my great great great gre- NO!" the pink wearing girl screamed as she punched a tree, "No more lying!"
"I feel a disturbance." Dawn deadpanned as she meditated in the confessional.
"Why can't I just stop lying." Staci groaned. Those groans turned into tears as she just sat in a fetal position in the woods, no one hearing her cries. No one, except another someone who was eliminated first.
"Hey, eh. Are you alright?" Ezekiel asked as he watched her from the trees.
"Wha- What?" Staci choked, "Are you watching me? Get out of here you creeper, leave me alone!"
"I'm not a creeper!" Ezekiel insisted, "Well, not anymore. I was just hiding in the tree's from DJ's mom when I heard you crying, eh.
"Whatever." the compulsive liar responded, "Just leave me be. You wouldn't understand"
"Your feelings are hurt, you have no self-esteem, and you feel utterly rejected from the world."
Staci turned to Zeke and gave him a look.
"Am I right, eh?"
"...How'd you know?"
"I know that feeling all too well."
"Hey. You're that Zeke kid!" Staci finally recognized the boy in front of him. It was a little difficult since the young man was still kind of green and sickly looking, "You were voted off first too! Twice if I'm right."
"Yup. And I turned into a zombie, eh." the Canadian grimaced, "And nobody even cared."
"I didn't go through what you did. But nobody cared about me either. Heck, a couple of them last season ignored me and almost let me drown!"
"That's terrible, eh."
"...I know this feels wrong." Staci sighed, "But like my great great great great great aunt Marge, I want revenge."
"It's funny." Zeke darkly chuckled, "I kinda want some revenge too."
Ezekiel hopped down from the tree he was in and plopped down right next to Staci. They both sat there in silence, thinking.
"We..." Staci stuttered,"We have to show them we are not losers."
"Yeah, eh." Ezekiel agreed, "They need to pay for being such jerks to us and just ignoring our existence!"
"Yah! I mean, we weren't that annoying."
"Not at all. If they would have talked to us and heard our stories they would know why we did and said the things we did."
"Yah, exactly!" The compulsive liar nodded. They sat for a few more moments in silence, when she had an idea, "Let's join forces, an alliance. Let's prove we aren' just some dumb schmucks who can be written off."
"You know, I would really like that, eh." Zeke evilly grinned. The two shook hands and began to plot for the season.
Bridgette walked cautiously through the forest, just wandering around as she avoided Mama DJ's spoon of wrath. The normally calm and collected surfer girl was on an edge, thinking every little creature might be the woman she was hiding from.
"My biggest fear is being in the forest all alone." Bridgette explained, "So this isn't an ideal situation."
"Hi Bridgette!" a voice greeted from the trees, "How ya doing?"
"Augh!" Bridgette screamed, putting up her fists to defend herself. The blonde looked up and saw DJ of all people, waving down to her.
"Did I scare you?" the brick-house asked, "Oops, sorry!"
"It's fine DJ." Bridgette sighed in relief, "I'm just glad you aren't your mother."
"...Let's not talk about her. I'm trying to distance myself from her."
"Why?"
"I am a tough guy now remember? I'm a hardcore manly man." at this statement, the girl doubled over in laughter, "Thanks Bridge. I knew I could count on you to be a supportive friend."
"Sorry dude." she wiped a laughter tear from her eye, "I just never thought of you to want to be tough. You don't seem like that kind of person..."
"Yeah, well I'm tired of being a crybaby wuss, I'm ready to become a man."
"Well, in all seriousness. I wish you the best of luck." Bridgette smiled, "But don't forget what a man really is, you don't need to be like Duncan or Al."
"I intend to be the nicest manly man I can be." DJ winked. Then, Mama DJ came out of the bushes and grabbed Bridgette.
"Aw, crap." Bridgette moaned as she was swatted thrice.
"You're a loser! Report to the mess hall." the older woman commanded.
"Well, that's that." Bridgette sighed, "Good luck DJ!"
DJ, you get down here right now!" called his Mama.
"What?! No! Of course not!"
"You be obedient, son."
"Mama, I'd lose. Why do you think all my teammates are hiding?"
"And if all your teammates jump off a-"
"MAMA! I love you, but you need to give me space!" DJ yelled. His Mama looked up at him in shock and sadness, "I'm sorry Mama, but I will NOT come down."
"Fine." DJ's mother scoffed, "Don't listen to me. But you will get down from that tree. Whether you like it or not."
"I feel bad yelling like that, man." DJ sighed, "But she was completely unreasonable!
Chef Hatchet had just broken into Chris' trailer and was enjoying the heck out of all its features.
"This is the life." Chef happily sighed as he reclined in the sauna. Just as he had almost forgotten about his Total Drama problems, he noticed the camera man standing in the room taking up space.
"What the heck do you want?! You should be out filming that old bag chase all those wimpy brats!"
"Its commercial break, sir."
"So?"
"You have to say something. Tell them to stay watching and pump them up for when we come back."
"Fine." Chef grunted as he turned angrily towards the camera and glared, "I hope you like the show! Stay tuned or I will find you and break your legs! Is that good enough?"
"Yup."
SCREAMING COCONUTS: Noah, Cody, Tyler, B, Mr. Coconut, Eva, Izzy, Dawn, Sierra, Lindsay.
KILLER APPLES: Brick, Lightning, Sam, DJ, Ezekiel, Heather, Bridgette, Staci, Anne Maria, Jo.
ELIMINATED FROM THE CHALLENGE: Lightning, Noah, Lindsay, Cody, Sierra, Heather, Sam, Bridgette.
A/N - Did you enjoy it? I hope so. I've been meaning to rewrite this story for forty-five years now. Hope its better than before. Tell me, dear reader, what did you like and what did you not like? Also, tell me your predictions coming off of the first episode, as I'm a curious cat.
Have a great rest of your day, and God bless.