Disclaimer: I don't own Dalton, the characters, or Glee. I also don't own "Better Than I Know Myself" by Adam Lambert.
A/N: Saw a post for this new Adam Lambert song called "Better Than I Know Myself" on Tumblr and someone was saying how it was a Jogan song. So I listened to it and basically went "Holy shit". I had to write this. I hope you enjoy. The title is a line from the song.
Keep My Mind Off the Edge
Three weeks. It had been three weeks since Adam had gone after Julian, three weeks since the nightmare became reality, three weeks since they had lost one of their own. Three weeks seemed like an eternity, especially for those Dalton students living in Stuart...because things were not good. Julian's stalker was gone, he wasn't a threat anymore, but the tension in the house was suffocating. The actor had locked himself away in his room, only allowing Bailey in to bring him food a couple of times every day, most of it getting thrown out anyway. And then there was Logan, who would stand outside of Julian's room for hours on end when he wasn't in class, sometimes skipping school altogether to wait, hoping above hope that his friend would open the door and they could just talk for a little bit, try to work things out. Sometimes he would talk through the wood until there was a crash and the door would shudder, water seeping under the crack. But then he would just walk across the hall and sit there...waiting.
Derek was honestly going crazy. The whole of Stuart was. They didn't know what to do, it was almost as bad as when Logan had been drugged up, everyone running around, trying to figure something out. The year was quickly drawing to a close and they didn't want it to end with two best friends not speaking, especially not Logan and Julian.
After the fourth week, Derek went and sat down next to Logan on the floor, looking at him carefully. "Is this helping?" he asked seriously. "Sitting here day in and day out, no words exchanged between you in what could seriously be called a conversation. Is this really helping anything?"
Logan sat there silently, eyes fixed on the door and the athlete sighed, banging his head against the wall gently in frustration. "What else do you want me to do?"
The brunette looked over and met green eyes. "What?"
"What else do you want me to do? I wasn't there for him when he needed it and I had the balls to call myself his friend. And then I found out that he was...and I didn't even know? What the hell else am I supposed to do? He needs to know that I give a damn, that I actually want to be there for him right now."
"And you think that just wasting your life away in this hallway is going to achieve that?" Derek asked with a raised eyebrow.
"He won't talk to me, what else can I do to show him?"
"Do what you do best you damn squid," the other said, standing and smirking down at his best friend. "And if you don't know what that is then we're in some serious trouble."
He extended a hand to the senator's son, who regarded it for a moment before taking it and was pulled to his feet.
He was staring at the door when he heard it. A steady beat from somewhere out in the hall. What the hell…? It was growing, building, more voices joining the mix and something nudged at his brain. He knew this, what was it?
Cold as ice,
And more bitter than a December
Winter night
That's how I treated you
And I know that I
I sometimes tend to lose my temper
And I crossed a line
That's the truth
He knew that voice if nothing else. After three weeks, to be honest, Julian was surprised this hadn't happened sooner. It might have sounded cliché, but he could have just seen Logan trying to sing to him through the door, to bring him out, to get him to accept what had happened. But he couldn't do it. He couldn't let himself come to terms with it. It was his fault and he needed to remember that so it never happened again, so no one else had to die.
I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say
No, he had said it before and he would say it again, Logan didn't get to pretend like he cared now. Especially not now. Julian would not let Logan sweep him off his feet out of pity. The poor actor who was in love with this best friend, no, that was not happening. He was not going to be a pity hook up.
Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now
But I'm gonna need you near me to
Keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself
"Shut up…" Julian whispered into the silence of the room, but the singing was too loud and it kept going as he felt a lump forming in his throat. No, this was not happening.
All along I tried to pretend it didn't matter
If I was alone, but deep down I know
If you were gone
For even a day I wouldn't know which
Way to turn because I'm lost without you
All those times he had been away for a movie or filming Something Damaged and Logan was just fine then, so what kind of bull shit was he trying to feed Julian now. His phone vibrated and looking down he saw the text.
"All those other times he knew you were coming back. You weren't gone, just away. ~D"
The actor tossed the phone to the end of the bed, feeling like it had scalded him. No, he needed to get the hell out of there, he needed to run so that he didn't screw anything else up. He could just bury himself in movies and shows and interviews and be tutored and never have to step foot in Dalton again. He didn't have to stay here.
I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say
Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now
But I'm gonna need you near me to
Keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself
Standing up, Julian started moving towards the door, expecting to tell Logan to get the hell away from him and stay there. He didn't know what he was singing about. How could Julian possibly know Logan better than he knew himself? Julian didn't even know himself at that moment. He was lost and couldn't make his way through the forest. He didn't know what he wanted, or what he needed. All he knew was that he needed them safe. That was the only way he was getting through.
Resting his hand on the doorknob he turned it and gently pushed it open.
I get kinda dark
Let it go too far
I can be obnoxious at times
But try and see my heart
Cause I need you now
So don't let me down
You're the only thing in this world
I would die without
Their eyes met the instant the door was out of the way and Logan took a step forward, hand holding onto the wood to prevent Julian from closing it again. Julian stepped back, stumbling briefly, not wanting Logan to touch him. No, touching meant something, something that neither one of them could ignore. Besides, Julian was a plague the things he touched died, they burned and they wouldn't stop. Logan paused before taking another couple steps forward, his friend still backing up. Julian shook his head slowly at first and then more emphatically.
"No...Logan don't do this. Just don't because you don't get it. You want Kurt? You want Blaine? Go, I'm not holding you back, go."
Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now
But I'm gonna need you near me to
Keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself
"Dammit Lo' just get the hell out of here!" Julian shouted, taking another step backwards, tears springing to his eyes in anger, frustration, sadness, and loneliness. "I'm not gonna ruin you! Go! I don't want you here you prick!"
But the blonde just shook his head, eyes deep and trying to convey something, trying to make the words he was singing get through to Julian before it was too late for it to do any good.
Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now
But I'm gonna need you near me to
Keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself
"SHUT UP!" Julian roared, lunging forward and pushing Logan towards the door, the blonde stumbling backwards from the force while the actor fell into the now open space, hitting the floor with a thud and making no move to get up. Silence now filled the building, silence but for the sound of footsteps out in the hall as everyone retreated. Everyone except for Derek.
"Jules," Logan said, crouching down next to the actor, placing a hand on his shoulder only to have Julian flinch away violently. "Come on Jules, don't do this."
"Why do you care? You didn't before, so why now? Is it because you feel sorry for me? Everyone feel sorry for Julian because he-"
The rest of the sentence never left his lips because there was something blocking them. Logan. His hand was warm on the back of Julian's neck as he pulled his friend in, pressing their lips against each other. At first Julian wanted to pull away, desperate to get away, he couldn't infect Logan, couldn't do that to his friend, to the man he had fallen in love with. But Logan wouldn't let him go and then he didn't want to break away anymore. The wall he built up broke and Julian sagged forward, a sob escaping from his throat and Logan released him for only a moment before pulling the boy into his arms.
"You are so stupid sometimes you diva," Logan said softly as he held Julian tight, rubbing his back as he cried into the blonde's shoulder. "You tell me you love me and then don't give me a chance? What's up with that?"
"I can't hurt you, I won't hurt you or Derek or anyone else, not after what happened to-"
"Shhhh," Logan hushed. "That's not your fault, it's Adam. He did the damage, he is the one to blame, not you. Ideally you would have told me or a teacher beforehand, but we can't change what happened."
After a few minutes the actor pulled away and looked up at Logan. "When did you start giving out such sage advice?"
"When I started having a lot of time to contemplate the universe because my best friend had a strong case of stupid."
The snort that escaped from Julian set Logan off grinning. "So you're in here...was that all that song was, just to get me out for a while?"
"No, you wouldn't listen when I tried to talk to you before. A little birdie thought this might get through to you."
Julian glared up at the doorway where Derek was quickly retreating before turning his gaze back to Logan. "So...you meant it?"
"No, I just felt like singing a love song for no apparent reason when there are tons of songs about friendship out there for me to choose from...do you really need to ask?"
"After that kiss...I think I need to be sure."
Grinning, Logan leaned in and their lips met again, this time Julian pushing just as hard as Lo' was.
That night, wrapped in Logan's arms, Julian would sleep better than he had since the nightmare began, because he had a prince to fight back the monsters.