The Tortallan Fruits
(Alanna, Numair, Daine, Jon, Thayet, George, Buri, and Onua enter, from stage left or right, meeting in the middle.)
Alanna- (dressed as a big, yellow banana, complete with banana shoes) Welcome to our show! We are The Tortallan Fruits! Rejoice, for we are fruity!
(Daine is dressed as a strawberry, Numair as a cluster of grapes, Jon is an apple, Buri is a plum, Onua is a pear, George is an orange, and Thayet is dressed as a potato.)
Daine- Um, Thayet? Potatoes aren't fruits.
(The rest of the cast erupts into laughter, while Thayet stands there in her stupid potato costume, a puzzled expression on her face.)
Thayet- (twirls hair, which she has dyed very, VERY blonde) Um, like, are you like sure? Cuz I like checked out a book, and like, it said like, words, and stuff.
Numair- I am quite certain that potatoes are of the vegetable class, and not the fruit category. Now, Daine, on the other hand, is dressed appropriately for our play. You make a very lovely strawberry, dearest. (Waves at Daine and blows her a kiss.)
Daine- Thank you, Numair. You look quite dashing, you cluster of grapes you.
Alanna- (to Thayet) How stupid are you, anyway?
Buri- Don't you dare insult Her Majesty like that! If Queen Thayet says that potatoes are fruits, then they are FRUITS!
Alanna- All right, fine. I'll give you that one. Thayet IS a fruit…
Jon- Ahem. If we could continue, please…
Onua- Yes, can we? I feel stupid enough as it is. Why couldn't I be the apple? I hate pears! I'm allergic to them!
Buri- Well, its not like you're going to be eating yourself.
Jon- I WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE, IF IT'S OK WITH THE REST OF YOU PEOPLE!
(Everybody stares at Jon, except for Thayet, who is still trying to work out the whole potatoes-are-not-fruits thing.)
George- Do you think I have a big nose?
Everyone (except Thayet)- Yes.
George- Ok. Just so I know.
Jon- Oh, forget it. This was a stupid idea to begin with. I'm outta here. (Walks offstage, muttering) Of all the pointless, idiotic ideas. (Throws the apple costume on the stage floor.)
Onua- Yes! Now I wield the power of the apple! Worship the appley goodness that is me!
Thayet- Hey! I don't think my idea was stupid. It was one of my more clever ones.
Alanna- And it would be, wouldn't it? (Rolls her eyes.)
Daine- Where were we? I don't think we've even got one line in.
Offstage voice- The ballad of the peanut butter!
Daine- Oh, yeah. Well, we can't really do that number anymore, since Jon left. Peanut butter only tastes good on apples.
Onua- I could be the star! I mean, I do have the cool apple costume.
Numair- How could we forget? You made such a big deal about the costume when Jon quit.
Buri- Do you know the words to the peanut butter number?
Onua- Of course I don't! Do you think I was actually paying attention whenever we rehearsed it? I'll make it up as I go along.
(Spotlight on Onua, now the apple.)
Onua- (music starts, she sings horribly off key) I am the apple! You are the peanut butter! (Points at a large jar of dancing peanut butter) Together we taste gooooooooooooooooooood. Bask in the glory of the peanut butter-coated-APPLE! For we are tasty, and marvelous, and fabulous, and delicious, and WONDERFUL IN EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE! Worship the altar that is meeeeeeeeeeeeee!
(Everyone stares at her in stunned silence.)
Onua- (startled) What? Did I sing it wrong?
George- Yes. Horribly wrong. Don't ever, EVER, attempt to sing again. EVER!
Onua- (blissfully unaware that she is being insulted. She's just happy to be wearing her precious apple costume) Okey-dokey. (Strolls merrily offstage, happy with her performance).
Daine- Anyhoo, what comes after the peanut butter ballad?
Alanna- I think its Numair's solo, Grapes of Wrath.
Numair- That's me!
Buri- Well, duh.
Numair- Um, I forgot the words. (Scuffs feet on stage, looking embarrassed.)
George- (with a sigh) What else could possibly go wrong?
(Roger strolls on to the stage)
Roger- How about me?
(Everybody but Thayet screams. Alanna searches frantically for her sword, Daine changes into a series of animals looking very bewildered, Numair stares at Roger open-mouthed, Buri runs for cover, and George giggles.)
Thayet- Hey, you're kinda cute. But like why aren't you like dressed as a like fruit?
Roger- SILENCE, INSOLENT FOOLS!
Thayet- You're funny. (Twirls hair, not fully understanding the situation. Hey, what else is new?)
Roger- (looks at Thayet with surprise) W-what? I'm funny? Hmm, no one's ever called me 'funny' before. And now is no time to start. Be gone! (Points at Thayet, who disappears with a puff of yellow smoke.)
(Everyone who thinks that Alanna and Jon should have married cheer loudly.)
(Black God glides on stage.)
Black God- (sighing) Why won't you stay dead? (Grabs Roger by his ear.) Back to the Realm of the Dead with you! (Both vanish, with Roger squealing in pain.)
(Everyone who is left looks puzzled.)
George- Um, yeah.
Alanna- Right.
Buri- Maybe we should leave.
(Readers cheer loudly at this suggestion.)
Daine- (to Numair) Are you as puzzled as I am?
Numair- Probably more.
Alanna- Well, that's the show folks, I think. Thanks for reading!
(Everyone leaves.)
A/N: Yes, I know, this is very stupid. That's what happens when I get bored. I write stupid fanfics involving fruit. Go figure. I'd appreciate the R&R anyhow. Tell me how stupid my fic really is! Go on, you know you want to…
Disclaimer- I own nuttin' but the plot and the Ballad of the Peanut Butter. The characters all belong to the genius that is Tamora Pierce.
(Alanna, Numair, Daine, Jon, Thayet, George, Buri, and Onua enter, from stage left or right, meeting in the middle.)
Alanna- (dressed as a big, yellow banana, complete with banana shoes) Welcome to our show! We are The Tortallan Fruits! Rejoice, for we are fruity!
(Daine is dressed as a strawberry, Numair as a cluster of grapes, Jon is an apple, Buri is a plum, Onua is a pear, George is an orange, and Thayet is dressed as a potato.)
Daine- Um, Thayet? Potatoes aren't fruits.
(The rest of the cast erupts into laughter, while Thayet stands there in her stupid potato costume, a puzzled expression on her face.)
Thayet- (twirls hair, which she has dyed very, VERY blonde) Um, like, are you like sure? Cuz I like checked out a book, and like, it said like, words, and stuff.
Numair- I am quite certain that potatoes are of the vegetable class, and not the fruit category. Now, Daine, on the other hand, is dressed appropriately for our play. You make a very lovely strawberry, dearest. (Waves at Daine and blows her a kiss.)
Daine- Thank you, Numair. You look quite dashing, you cluster of grapes you.
Alanna- (to Thayet) How stupid are you, anyway?
Buri- Don't you dare insult Her Majesty like that! If Queen Thayet says that potatoes are fruits, then they are FRUITS!
Alanna- All right, fine. I'll give you that one. Thayet IS a fruit…
Jon- Ahem. If we could continue, please…
Onua- Yes, can we? I feel stupid enough as it is. Why couldn't I be the apple? I hate pears! I'm allergic to them!
Buri- Well, its not like you're going to be eating yourself.
Jon- I WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE, IF IT'S OK WITH THE REST OF YOU PEOPLE!
(Everybody stares at Jon, except for Thayet, who is still trying to work out the whole potatoes-are-not-fruits thing.)
George- Do you think I have a big nose?
Everyone (except Thayet)- Yes.
George- Ok. Just so I know.
Jon- Oh, forget it. This was a stupid idea to begin with. I'm outta here. (Walks offstage, muttering) Of all the pointless, idiotic ideas. (Throws the apple costume on the stage floor.)
Onua- Yes! Now I wield the power of the apple! Worship the appley goodness that is me!
Thayet- Hey! I don't think my idea was stupid. It was one of my more clever ones.
Alanna- And it would be, wouldn't it? (Rolls her eyes.)
Daine- Where were we? I don't think we've even got one line in.
Offstage voice- The ballad of the peanut butter!
Daine- Oh, yeah. Well, we can't really do that number anymore, since Jon left. Peanut butter only tastes good on apples.
Onua- I could be the star! I mean, I do have the cool apple costume.
Numair- How could we forget? You made such a big deal about the costume when Jon quit.
Buri- Do you know the words to the peanut butter number?
Onua- Of course I don't! Do you think I was actually paying attention whenever we rehearsed it? I'll make it up as I go along.
(Spotlight on Onua, now the apple.)
Onua- (music starts, she sings horribly off key) I am the apple! You are the peanut butter! (Points at a large jar of dancing peanut butter) Together we taste gooooooooooooooooooood. Bask in the glory of the peanut butter-coated-APPLE! For we are tasty, and marvelous, and fabulous, and delicious, and WONDERFUL IN EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE! Worship the altar that is meeeeeeeeeeeeee!
(Everyone stares at her in stunned silence.)
Onua- (startled) What? Did I sing it wrong?
George- Yes. Horribly wrong. Don't ever, EVER, attempt to sing again. EVER!
Onua- (blissfully unaware that she is being insulted. She's just happy to be wearing her precious apple costume) Okey-dokey. (Strolls merrily offstage, happy with her performance).
Daine- Anyhoo, what comes after the peanut butter ballad?
Alanna- I think its Numair's solo, Grapes of Wrath.
Numair- That's me!
Buri- Well, duh.
Numair- Um, I forgot the words. (Scuffs feet on stage, looking embarrassed.)
George- (with a sigh) What else could possibly go wrong?
(Roger strolls on to the stage)
Roger- How about me?
(Everybody but Thayet screams. Alanna searches frantically for her sword, Daine changes into a series of animals looking very bewildered, Numair stares at Roger open-mouthed, Buri runs for cover, and George giggles.)
Thayet- Hey, you're kinda cute. But like why aren't you like dressed as a like fruit?
Roger- SILENCE, INSOLENT FOOLS!
Thayet- You're funny. (Twirls hair, not fully understanding the situation. Hey, what else is new?)
Roger- (looks at Thayet with surprise) W-what? I'm funny? Hmm, no one's ever called me 'funny' before. And now is no time to start. Be gone! (Points at Thayet, who disappears with a puff of yellow smoke.)
(Everyone who thinks that Alanna and Jon should have married cheer loudly.)
(Black God glides on stage.)
Black God- (sighing) Why won't you stay dead? (Grabs Roger by his ear.) Back to the Realm of the Dead with you! (Both vanish, with Roger squealing in pain.)
(Everyone who is left looks puzzled.)
George- Um, yeah.
Alanna- Right.
Buri- Maybe we should leave.
(Readers cheer loudly at this suggestion.)
Daine- (to Numair) Are you as puzzled as I am?
Numair- Probably more.
Alanna- Well, that's the show folks, I think. Thanks for reading!
(Everyone leaves.)
A/N: Yes, I know, this is very stupid. That's what happens when I get bored. I write stupid fanfics involving fruit. Go figure. I'd appreciate the R&R anyhow. Tell me how stupid my fic really is! Go on, you know you want to…
Disclaimer- I own nuttin' but the plot and the Ballad of the Peanut Butter. The characters all belong to the genius that is Tamora Pierce.