A/N: A little bit of history to this; I don't ship this ship at all. Not that it's a NOTP, just that I don't particularly care for it in any of its forms. That being said, as a writer, I'm always craving a challenge. I like to write things to see if I can do it, without bias, while keeping everyone in character. Besides that, I sort of had this idea in my head and couldn't really not write it. Plot bunnies, am I right? Yeah, Valentine's Day is over and done, but hopefully I'm not too late for some angsty fluff.
Anyways, this fandom has also been embroiled in some pretty nasty ship wars, and as a BBRae fan, I'm tired of it. So, here's something sweet from me to the lovely BBTerra community. At the end of the day, we're all Teen Titans fans, right?
I actually had a lot of fun writing this, so please, enjoy.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Like clockwork.
Every year, the same day, the same time.
It was always there.
While Terra was at school, she'd open her locker on Valentine's Day, or the day prior, if it happened to fall on a weekend, and find the offensive item sitting in there. Mocking her.
At first, it had only served to make her angry.
The object in question was an obvious testament to a past she'd have much rather forgotten and thus, with it, she found memories resurfacing that made her eyes burn with unshed tears, and her throat constrict. Ultimately, she had settled on the fact that she hated it, and didn't want it. After much contemplation and internal debating, Terra tossed the thing in the trash before she bothered to give it any lingering second thoughts. However, the guilt had weighed on her instantly, and she had to bite her bottom lip to prevent herself from coming undone while at school, or from running back to salvage it from the garbage.
Terra had forced herself to walk away from it, clutching her books tighter to her chest, and ignoring the pang of remorse building within her. If she dared to cry, they'd all see her. They'd all know, and she was rather ill-prepared for such an interrogation from any of her fellow students.
It had taken some time but, eventually, she'd gotten over it, the item in question becoming nothing but a distant, fuzzy memory that hardly even seemed real. Just like her previous life. Just like him.
Maybe that was why, the second time she found it in her locker exactly a year later, it had taken her completely off guard. One minute, she'd been laughing and joking with a friend, the next, her whole world came crashing down, shattered, and shaken.
She stared at it for a long time, disbelief in her terrified, electric blue eyes.
It was like a stinging slap to the face; a reminder of everything she worked so hard to forget. It was unfortunate; she knew there was a lot of good in there somewhere, but it was also tainted with the bad; all the bad that she'd committed. The sacrifice of forgetting seemed like a far better alternative than having to live with herself; of the blood still on her hands.
That wasn't to say that she didn't have nightmares; she had plenty of those, and it was rare that she ever got a decent night's sleep, even after all the time that had passed, and all the burying she had tried to do.
Yet, the woeful object in question, for as innocent as it seemed, was only born of her greatest fears and deepest torment.
The anguish, the wretchedness, the grief and heartbreak; it all returned in nauseating waves, leaving Terra frozen, rooted to the spot as life seemed to go on around her, without her.
He didn't mean it. She knew that somewhere deep down that he didn't mean it that way.
He only acted out of kindness; out of this unfathomable love for her. A love she felt she was undeserving of. Although his intentions were always in the right place, she couldn't help but feel worse because of them.
Terra didn't throw it away that year.
She didn't have the heart, the stomach, or the nerve. She hated herself for having done so the first time. However, she also didn't want to be around it, either. She had to get rid of it, like she tried so hard to get rid of her guilt-ridden conscience.
That year, she gave it away to a friend. Not wanting to touch it, she'd merely opened her locker, and instructed her to take it after making her promise to throw away whatever was inside. Not wanting to appear suspicious, Terra had forced a smile as best as she could, all the while a voice in the back of her head reminded her that what she was doing was both wrong and cruel.
The voice also told her to take it back.
Rightfully, it belonged to her and no one else; besides which, it was the only thing she had left of him now. The one good thing from her previous life, it had always been him.
However, Terra's resolve won out, and yet again, the object was out of sight and out of mind.
By the third, and final year, Terra had very nearly come to expect the gift. He'd left her the carefully crafted box, accompanied with a single, ruby red rose, once again sitting on the very top shelf of her locker, even after she'd changed locks and combinations.
It was a strange feeling, finding out that her anger had mostly dissipated. Like grasping at something all too familiar and solid, only to find bits and pieces of it instead. A haystack becoming remnants of straw.
She had supposed that she'd done a lot of healing, a lot of forgetting over the years. She now had new friends, a new life, she was even doing well in all her classes. Perhaps, there was a future for her after all, and it didn't require using her powers ever again. Perhaps, she could find her own slice of happiness once the dust of chaos finally settled.
She didn't know why, exactly, but that was the first gift she had decided to open.
Terra had waited until all her classmates had left the premises, and the school halls were empty of student life. She lingered outside of her locker, taking in deep, steady breaths while trying to calm her maddening heart. There was apprehension, mixed with a touch of anxiety and…even a hint of bubbling excitement, as her nervous fingers put in the combination to her lock that she now had memorized.
There was a click, and then the metal gate swung open with a low squeak that echoed throughout the quiet hall.
It was there, as it always was; as she had left it. The light bounced off it's reflective, shiny surface, drawing her eyes to it immediately.
Tentatively, Terra reached for it, her hands shaking and her mouth parched as she slowly licked her dry lips. She'd almost expected a zap, or a shock of some sort. Anything unpleasant the moment she'd laid her fingers on it.
Terra would have been a horrible liar if she said she hadn't considered the notion that Slade was back, playing tricks on her again and toying with her fragile emotions. He most certainly haunted every corner of her mind, shadowed her every thought, even now. Sometimes, she'd work herself up into a crippling panic attack, cowering in a bathroom stall, trying to remember how to breathe, and reminding herself that it wasn't real; that none of it was real.
However, when her fingers grazed the material of the handmade package, nothing happened. No pain, no awful thing at all. Just the smooth feel of the box beneath the pads of her fingertips.
With a new-found courage, she pressed on, pulling the item out of her locker, and closing the door behind her. Terra self-consciously tucked a lock of her long, platinum blonde hair behind her ear, and slunk down to the cold, tiled floor of the hall, her back resting against the series of lockers that lined the walls.
He'd taped the rose to the heart shaped box, and there was a candy gram in the shape of a green lion next to it. It brought a ghost of a smile to her lips that she'd barely noticed. Carefully, she lifted open the lid, and held her breath, not truly knowing what it was she would find inside.
What she hadn't expected was a sickening overload of nostalgia.
The box was littered with it; all the things she wanted dead and forgotten. All the love and care associated with every item inside.
Notes.
Pictures.
Some heart shaped chocolate.
She didn't need to unfold any one of the yellow, lined papers to know that they were love letters.
She didn't need to linger to know that the pictures were of them; of happier times, before she'd gone and wrecked everything they'd shared.
She most certainly didn't need to remember all the pain, either.
Terra slammed the box shut, and hastily shoved it back into her locker, tears already welling in her eyes, despite her best effort to maintain control.
She wasn't ready.
She just wasn't.
Maybe one day, she'd have the courage to read his notes.
Maybe one day, she'd be able to stomach looking at the evidence of the life she'd left behind; of the broken-hearted boy she'd once loved.
Today was not that day, however.
Today was horrible.
That day, Terra bolted out of her school and ran out into the cold February air, trusting her feet to carry her home. She'd been so hasty in her exit that she'd even neglected to grab her coat, or any of her books, too emotionally shaken to even consider such things.
All she knew was that she had to get away, and the further she got, the better, the safer she would be.
Terra ignored the biting chill of the fierce wind as it sent her golden hair askew about her face, as well as the freshly fallen tears that turned icy against her cold cheeks. She ignored the way her nose ran, liquid dribbling down her unfeeling, trembling mouth. She paid no mind to the stares of concern she received from bystanders as the slip of school girl dashed passed them down the snowy streets in nothing but her uniform.
She ran until she couldn't feel her nose or ears anymore, until her socks were drenched with freezing water from the snow that got into her shoes. She ran until her breaths came in ragged and shallow, until her chest hurt and her throat burned from the cold gulps of air.
The next day, she'd gone to school at the break of dawn, and called upon her powers for the first time in a very long time. Terra used them to irreparably damage her locker for good, with only the stray, pink rays of the rising sun peeking through the windows to witness the destruction.
She was promptly assigned a new one; empty and barren, just like her own heart.
The day before Valentine's, after she'd graduated from high school with honours, Terra couldn't help but feel mildly relieved knowing that there would be no more gifts. She started college the following semester, and thus, didn't have a locker for anyone to stash something in. Not to mention, she was ways away from Jump City now.
However, a small part of her was also distraught.
A hopeful voice, tiny and distant, cooed into her head, and clung to an impossible hope that she'd thought she'd long since banished.
Perhaps, it wasn't so bad to have a gander at what he'd written her. Perhaps she'd be strong enough this time.
It was true that the nightmares had been decreasing steadily; the presence of Slade often easily defeated by her own will power, and new medication. Terra had even managed to win a scholarship to the college of her choice, and she could live on campus through an approved student loan all throughout her studies.
Finally, she was doing all right.
She was coming together again, slowly.
Maybe time did heal all wounds.
Maybe, she was finally ready to face her past.
A shame that her moving away for school would put an end to the handmade Valentine's Day gifts…A shame she hadn't bothered to keep any of the others he'd left her.
It ate away at her, knowing how immature she'd been, how helpless she had become to her own mental trauma.
Every year, she'd pushed him away, and every year, he'd persisted, never expecting anything in return.
However, her instincts had been correct and, by the fourth year, there would be no gift. It left the former geomancer feeling surprisingly...disappointed. Like somehow, in some way, she'd been unwittingly hopeful.
Still, she found that there was nothing on her doorstep, nothing in her mailbox, and when she chased after the mailman to ensure that he hadn't forgotten anything, her shoulders slumped forward when he only confirmed otherwise.
There really was nothing.
No rose, no box full of folded up notes or pictures, no green candy.
Nothing.
He had finally given up on her, she sorely realized.
Truthfully, Terra shouldn't have been as bothered as she was; it was about time he'd let go. Blinking away unbidden tears, she concluded that he deserved better than her, and that he deserved to move on and be happy, much in the same way she had.
So, why?
Why then, was she so inexplicably hurt? Why was she angry and jealous and sad? Why were her cheeks wet and her lashes heavy with moisture? Her chest was tight, her heart aching, as if she'd finally lost something for good; something precious and vital, and it was gone forever. Like, realizing a loved one had perished mentally, practically dead and buried, on the way to their grave.
Was this truly the end?
Would she be okay with it, after all the years she'd spent denying her feelings, telling herself that this was for the best?
If so, then why was she regretting it now? Why was her stomach tied in knots, and why did she feel so sick?
From that day forward, Terra hated Valentine's Day.
The following year, on February 14th, Terra had groggily gotten out of bed in her new, small but cozy dorm room, and gotten ready to start her hectic day at school.
Just another Tuesday for her.
She had an 8AM class, and she didn't finish until 9PM, when her last, three-hour class, would end.
Terra would be exhausted and drained by the time she'd get back, and thankfully too tired to care about the holiday everyone else was so eager to celebrate.
Out of sight, out of mind.
While everyone else was gearing up for an evening of dinner, drinks, and a movie, she was just the girl who had a chemistry midterm to study for.
"But, I mean, how don't you have a date, Terra? I mean, you're gorgeous!"
"I'm pretty sure the TA is totally eyeballing you."
"We can have a Galentine's day, us single ladies! We can do karaoke, go out for drinks, maybe hit up a club?"
"Look at the bright side; all the candy tomorrow will be fifty percent off!"
On and on they would drone, just like all the previous years, and like always, Terra would respond with a sincere smile and sympathetic words, turning all of them down as gently as possible.
She hated Valentine's Day, but she wouldn't dare tell anyone that. If she did, they would automatically assume that she was just another one of those embittered singles who despised watching other happy couples while not being in a fulfilling relationship themselves.
The farthest thing from the truth, for her.
How to explain casually that the day only made her feel awful because the one person she'd ever come to care about so deeply had finally gotten over her?
So, she'd keep it to herself, and go about her day like any other, counting down the agonizing minutes until it all finally ended, and she could return to some semblance of normalcy for the remaining three hundred and sixty-four days.
By the time, Terra had trudged out of the elevator in her building, both physically and emotionally drained, and her mind numb from such an intense day of readings and lessons, she'd very nearly tripped over the package sitting outside of her doorstep.
Her heart skipped a beat.
Suddenly, her back didn't hurt from the heavy backpack she was toting full of textbooks. She wasn't as tired or exhausted, or weighed down with worries about papers and midterms and assignments.
Her keys jangled freely in her hands, but she paid them no mind, no longer in a rush to get inside.
Instead, Terra glanced down at her feet, feeling as if time had temporarily paused while she took in the familiar sight of a heart shaped box sitting on her bristly, worn down, welcome mat.
The pointed edges were crushed in some spots due to shipping, and the box itself was covered in stamps and waybills, but her name was handwritten on the tag in giant, black marker print;
TERRA
She was overwhelmed, choked by a dozen emotions welling up within her, like a colourful air balloon about to take off into the sky.
There it was; the delightful package she'd once abhorred, that had been the bane of her existence for so many years.
Funny; now it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever come to lay eyes on, and she hardly noticed the way her face split into an elated grin as she bent down to gently pick it up.
Wilted red rose, crushed green candy, and all.
Maybe, just maybe, Valentine's Day wasn't so bad after all…
A/N: This isn't my usual cup of tea, and it's obviously my first time writing for this pairing so, please, do let me know how I did. Feedback is appreciated, however flames over ship discourse will be reported, ignored, and/or deleted if possible. Thanks for reading!