"How cold you are", he complained, "As cold as the dead, ice water running in your veins. But no matter, I shall soon warm you."
His voice echoed in my head, the same phrase over and over again. Cold as the dead… I clenched my fists as I stared into the freezing dark night. I tried to ignore his piercing glance.
His unpleasant touch horrified me. I got more and more unsettled feeling his warm and sweaty hands between my thighs and I couldn't think of anything besides running away like a scared little child. But I was no longer able to control my body and as a knee jerk reaction I closed my legs, though it only made things worse as his hand was now pressing against my naked flesh and feeling his pulse going up by the touch of my smooth thigh caught my breath.
"So delicate… so tender…" he whispered. I cleared my throat shudderingly.
I was well aware of the tales they were telling about me, how naïve and ingenuous I was thought to be, but I had considered myself a creature of pure taste. Therefore I was surprised that I could already imagine what would soon befall me and I started feeling queasy at the very thought.
Javert was only panting. And waiting. He expected that I would soon resign and accept my fate. Or maybe he even hoped that I would succumb to him…succumb to his charms… to his caressing touch…
I could hear my inner voice bursting out laughing sarcastically. I got used to talking to myself years ago; I couldn't even remember when this bad habit actually started. But I must admit it wasn't so bad after all. At least I had someone to talk to.
His caressing touch… I bristled with anger. What was I thinking? How could his touch ever be caressing? What did I expect? That he would show me some tenderness or delight me with heart-warming words?
Tears ran down my cheeks while I stared at him misty-eyed. But what was there to see? Nothing but a blurred vision of a dirty old man, who was about to do what would make him appear even more like an animal in my eyes.
The difference between men and animals is not language, neither the ability to "think", or gaining "self-knowledge". Not at all. And yet it's really simple. Animals follow their instincts. They don't do anything on purpose. They won't hurt each other willfully. Or violate each other.
I dug my nails into my thighs after Javert forced me to the hard ground triumphantly. I felt sharp stones piercing into my back as my upper part of the body dropped to the chilly and dirty ground. Instantly I felt Javert kneeling over me, his hot and sweaty hands were pressing against my ribs with increasing force, hoping that I'd let at least a hushed moan escape from my deformed lips.
With growing anger my fingers reached for his sun burnt back and I scratched my nails in as deep as I could, I wanted to hurt him so baldy I didn't care about my fingernails getting broken or ripped out, in case I would loosen my painful grip later on. But all Javert did was moaning uncontrollably and disgustingly loud. "Girls like to do that, you know", he smirked, "But you're not too different, aren't you? Your sweet, little and innocent mind… just like they always said, you're naïve and starry-eyed... Like a girl."
I tried to look through him and ignore the disturbing thoughts filling my mind. A girl…
God I hated him! And I had never hated myself more than ever before! Calling me a girl…
I took a deep breath while tears rushed into my eyes.
But what could I say? I was a girl! I was a frightened, naïve and helpless girl, to whom he had only now demonstrated her weakness! He was so right… and I could have killed myself for that thought.
I heard a chuckle from my inner voice.
Sure, it was all so mad.
I was about to get molested and yet I stayed calm, giving myself good advice. But it made me feel strong again. I was able to keep a level head once more.
Javert's mumbling went on:"A virgin is a virgin, after all. It doesn't matter what sex you are born, it's irrelevant that you think you're a man because of this…" One of his feculent hot hands slid down my body, it felt as if he was burning my skin whilst running his hand over me. And yet his fingers stopped after reaching and holding on to my testicles. I groaned with pain and felt tears welling up again as soon as I recognized Javert's venomous smile. "Is this what defines a man?" he whispered. Feeling his hot breath in my neck made me shiver which seemed to amuse Javert, better still: it aroused him. His fingers intensified their grasp around my private parts, demonstrating their disappointment over my unbending and resisting body. But he was too foolish to believe he could break my will. And he was well advised not trying to beat me into submission…
Although his fiery hand on my testicles had made me feel uncomfortable at first, now I felt somehow… relieved…assured about myself. He wasn't able to crush me, nor to rape me after all.
He couldn't do anything at all.
I guess I couldn't even suppress a tiny smirk, which made Javert feel uneasy at first. But it didn't take long until I had to realize what it provoked.
Javert grasped me round the waist to pull my skinny body closer to his and though I offered resistance he had soon seized my butt cheeks. But this time I didn't stop defending myself against him. I yelled at him and dug my nails back into his skin but held my breath when I felt his fingers inching his way forward until he palpated my anus. My eyes gaped in horror and only seconds after feeling Javert's fingers intruding my interior I screamed and finally slipped from his hands. I stared at him aghast and was too stunned to gain control again; I didn't even feel my hands reaching for his neck, grabbing it and suffocating him for daring to touch me inappropriately.
I let go of his neck as soon as he started gasping for air but laid my hands on him again after catching a glimpse of the nauseatic expression on his face. His disgusting and perverted smiled wouldn't disappear, not at all, no matter how brutal I was or how much I hurt him.
After letting Javert fall to the ground I turned around, uncertain on what to do. I was too shocked to think straight anymore and rushed to my clothes, not yet sure about what to do with them at the moment.
But as soon as I heard Javert groaning behind my back my instincts gained control of my body once more and I just picked up a large stone from the ground and, with murderous intent, smashed it against his head, once, twice, hoping that I'd soon shatter his skull.
I might have succeeded at once, if only I hadn't felt this… this strange warmth permeating me…
I never felt like this before. Somehow my heartbeat quickened and I felt the blood rushing into my lower abdomen.
It felt… weird…This strange peace and rising warmness… swelling up inside of me… and outside…
I gasped and leaped aside promptly after feeling these…bodily changes.
The source of this disturbance… all because…
I could have bursted out in laughter if I wasn't still holding my breath.
All my knowledge about anatomy or bodily functions was so useless… God, I knew everything about andranatomy but never in my wildest dreams had I ever been able to imagine what it actually felt like having an erection.
I felt like a man… grown up… and I smirked. Javert was right. This truly was the end of innocence.
Javert directed his gaze towards my manhood while mouthing the most vicious maledictions. Concerning his severe or fatal injury, (we would soon see what would be more accurately) I had to admit that I wasn't quite sure if he was still able to talk. I might have damaged some brain circuits.
At the very thought I felt the rage growing inside of me. I had no reason to feel sorry or even guilty.
No, I hoped that he would suffer a cerebral haemorrhage, leading to disorientation and a slow and agonizing death.
I couldn't avert my gaze from his bloodstained forehead until I felt the lust increasing and, in response to this, the intensivying throbbing of my most delicate organ. The power over Javert's weak body was stimulating me and made me feel uncomfortable about the approaching unfamiliar emotions and yet it seemed to stir my desire.
Javert's strange movement caught my attention. He shuddered convulsively and tried to pull something out of his trouser pocket with trembling hands. I sighed at his desperate attempt, grabbed his hands and pulled them out of his pocket, revealing the knife he tried to hold on to. I disarmed him easily and wanted to throw the knife away but stopped.
Everything he wanted to do to me I would do to him now.
Javert stared at me with fearful eyes, trying to sit up as I came closer to him again. He shook his head panic-fuelled as I pushed his body back to the ground. I ran the blade over his upper part of the body, pushing his shirt aside and revealing his bare chest. With a smile on my face I clutched the knife with two hands and pushed it into Javert's ribs. I felt his muscles tensing while he cried for help and I let the blade slide out of the freshly cut wound. I couldn't have hurt him that bad, there was hardly any blood, and the cut was only a few centimeters long. I guess it wasn't very deep, either…
A mad idea assailed me. I could let him suffer like he let me.
I ran my fingers over the cut, touched the oozing wound and slipped two of my fingers into it. Javert groaned anguished and turned his eyes towards the heavens. He seemed too debilitated to move and I came perilously close to triggering compassion. I clenched my teeth and tried to free myself from every kind of sympathy I could display for the mankind. I dug my fingers deeper into the wound, laughing liberating, and was pleased to observe how it put him into fear and fright. Javert howled like an animal and it was delightful watching him squirm. How he struggled…
Helplessly...
Defenceless…
I smirked unconsciously. Yet I felt something strange. A strange swelling emotion occurred in my chest. And not only in my chest again…
I felt my blood boiling and the intensifying throbbing in my nether regions just as I touched Javert's warm and soft interior. It felt the increasing pressure, the unbridled lust and an incontrollable urge. It made me almost furious, I too felt helpless, not knowing how to release the pressure and…
Curiously I looked at the old gipsy beneath me. Javert had passed out and I hadn't even noticed. The pain had become unbearable to him. I laughed patronizingly. It would be too kind of me to kill him immediately. I had to make him suffer. I wanted to see him suffer. And I already had a good idea.
He called me a girl. He tried to abuse me like a girl. And now it was time to turn the tables.
I picked up the pocket knife again I had accidently dropped while the irrepressible throbbing had begun and cut a deeper and wider hole in Javert's chest. If there was no other way of relaxing the body and releasing the stress…
And Javert had shoved it down my throat many times. Women would never be attracted to me. I would never be able to love a woman. From the heart as well as physically. Well… If I couldn't ever feel a woman's slit, would it be wrong just trying to imagine what it would feel like? At least Javert had a slit now. Somehow a different one but… Who knew if I'd even feel a difference…?
Javert had swoon and still he whimpered ceaselessly. And, worst of all, I hesitated. I hated myself. And I hated Javert. He deserved to die, no question about it. But… I couldn't be as bad has him. I simply couldn't.
I sighed whilst fingering the bleeding wound again. Maybe I wouldn't even need to feel him skin on skin. Maybe the mere thought of it would be enough.
I closed my eyes as I palpated the moist, tight and warm gash. It was arousing and satisfying the same time. I panted heavily and my heart raced whilst my hands latched on to my thighs and I groaned intensely. I felt something warm moisten my left leg and looked away, I was exhausted and shivered at the sensation of this cold fluid running down my skin and dripping onto the ground.
The end of innocence…
I guess I had imagined something quite different. I was overwhelmed by this feeling of… well, how can you describe a new unprecedented emotion?
It was everything! It was power, it was fulfillment, relief, release, rapture… and yet I felt perfectly happy. Damn it, I felt like God!
God over life and death…
My fist was still clenched around the knife, but soon I put it back into Javert's pocket. I had considered cutting his throat but I guessed it wouldn't be alright after all this, just letting him enjoy a quick and nearly painless death.
No. I was sure. I was right. I had power over life and death. And Javert did nothing not to deserve a cruel death.
I looked around in the cold and dark dessert. Soon I had found a heavy stone, big enough to serve as a weapon.
Heavily panting I raised the stone and with a cry of anguish I let it hit Javert's head, over and over again.
One strike for every cruelty, every suffering he caused me. One after another, one more brutal and hateful than the other.
A loud cracking noise was heard after I had wrecked Javert's root of the nose. His warm blood sputtered out of his gaping wound and I turned my head away from this sickening sight whilst slowly lowering my arms. The ensanguined rock slipped from my hands and absorbed in thought I tried wiping my hands clean on my thighs.
"Woe to them that still have a nose, a real nose…" I hissed and disappeared in the darkness of the night.