The mixture of drugged fumes made the air heavy, and Dean's head was beginning to spin. Lifting a hand to his face, he rubbed his eye furiously and let out a sleepy yawn.
"How can you even stay awake in this happy shack?" he asked, speaking loud enough so that Castiel could hear him from the other room.
"Immunity, I guess," came the gravelling rasp that was the ex-angel's voice. Though Dean did not discount the new tone which Cas possessed, and the complete lack of respect he had adopted for himself. The scruffy man walked back into the room and scratched at his coarse beard. "God knows how many drugs I've taken over the years – oh! Wait. No he wouldn't!" Cas chuckled darkly and somewhat manically, twisting his entire body and facing Dean directly, locking their gaze. "Because there is no God to know anything." He stretched his arms out as though he was having some sort of release, and then fell back into an empty, moth-eaten armchair which spat up dust when he landed. Dean raised an eyebrow and walked across the room, standing before the man in the chair.
"What happened to you?"
Cas' eyes lifted slowly, and when Dean finally got a good look into them, he saw the deadness that no amount of drug, nor any number of willing women, would ever hide. Castiel was broken. He'd been disgraced, and he'd been abandoned. And he'd wallowed and wasted away to some pathetic excuse for anything that walked the planet.
"I learned the most valuable truth of all, Dean Winchester," Castiel explained, leaning forwards and clasping his hands together. Dean took up the chair beside him. "I learnt that no matter how bad something gets, there is no one, and I mean no one, who's going to save us. To be honest, I don't even think that the colt will work against Lucifer. And upon accepting that, I thought "to Hell with it!" and did what any cowardly son of a bitch would do. I drowned myself in booze, drugs and women."
"Cas that's not you-"
"It's the end of the world! No one is who they were, Dean. The Apocalypse sort of does that to you, ya know?"
"No. I don't know."
"That's because you have no idea – no clue about anything that's happened in the past five years. Everything has gone to SHIT!" Suddenly a bong smashed against the far wall. Cas was on his feet, face red and knuckles white. "I gave up a long time ago, Dean!" he raged, pulling Dean up by his collar and smashing him back into the wall beside the broken bong. "And it's about time everyone else did too!" Dean blinked and stared into the lifeless pits locked away behind Castiel's pupils. He didn't bother fighting back. He just stayed motionless.
"I will never give up. I will never give up on anything – the world, Sam, myself – and you. I will never give up on you. If I get back to the past, I promise that I will make sure that you never change. No matter how dull you can be, no matter how naïve and annoying you are sometimes, I like you just the way you are – were – whatever. The point is, is that you're a freakin' angel, man. Take a look at yourself. You're disgusting. You smell like somebody left the trash out in the sun for a week."
Cas blinked furiously, before stumbling away and letting Dean drop to his feet.
"…Dean I…" he began, choking over his words. His eyes were shimmering, and Dean swore he saw a spark of life ignite in them once more. "My God, I've missed you." Dean found himself embraced in Castiel's arms, and then found himself pulling Cas closer to him, pressing his nose against his neck.
"Don't ever change," he whispered, lifting his mouth up to allow his words to drift into Castiel's ear. "Promise me whatever happens, you won't end up like this."
"Tell that to past-me," came the quiet reply. "Telling me now means nothing."
"What if I told you something else, even if it won't change anything in the past?" Dean couldn't believe what he was saying. He'd supressed this for so long. He'd denied it. Pushed it to the back of his mind but there was really no escape. He had to accept it. At least for Cas' sake. He had nothing left to live for.
"W…w…what is it, Dean?"
"I…I love you, Castiel. And that is something that no matter what happens, I swear, it will never change."
Dean felt Cas let out a short breath before pushing Dean's head around to face him, their noses just millimetres apart.
"Even when I smell like week-old trash?" Dean couldn't help but laugh.
"Even then."
A little gasp escaped Castiel's lips.
"You…you have no idea how long I've wanted to hear you say those words."
"I'm sorry for making you wait," Dean murmured apologetically. But Cas pushed him away regretfully.
"You can never tell me," he breathed. Dean's eyes widened. "Never, ever express how you feel about me. Please."
"What? Why? Cas I can't not just-" But Castiel raised a hand to silence him.
"If you tell me, I'll be just another problem in your way. We stay allies. Nothing more. But never anything less."
"But Cas!"
"No buts! That's it! If you tell me you'll ruin me too! Life is already complicated without relationships and feelings! And throw in the whole angel burden and it's impossible to go on. It can never happen!"
Dean bit down on his lower lip hard.
"Well at least…at least you know now." Cas' eyes dropped.
"Yes. I always…I always hoped…that maybe you did."
Dean stepped forwards and took Castiel by the shoulders, forcing him to look into his eyes.
"So now that you know, surely this will make no difference on the past? That's what you said…right?"
Castiel chewed on the inside of his cheek, glancing away and then back again, before nodding slowly. Dean's hands slid up to cup his cheeks. Cas leant into the warmth of the hands and smiled slightly. His eyes fluttered shut ever so gently, along with Dean's, and their lips hovered above each other. Just as they touched, the sound of a trucks growling down the dirt road outside shook the cabin. Dean pulled away.
"I have to go and…see…I have to…" He wrung his wrists in despair, torn between Castiel and himself, who he knew was in those trucks outside the shack. Cas laid a hand upon Dean's chest, just above his heart. Somehow, deep down, Dean knew this would be the last time they were alone together. Like this. Completely bare, with no qualms, no secrets – just…free within each other. And Dean had a feeling Cas had the same thoughts too. His eyes shone with sadness.
"I know."