Trigger warnings: self harm and depression
I am alone in the darkness in my mind. Nobody is around to care. Nobody is around. I reach out into the darkness, hoping that somebody will reach back or take my hand. I sigh when nobody does, even though I know nothing will reach back but the darkness.
Ever since my girlfriend, Aradia, died, it's gotten worse. The loneliness. The sadness. It's gotten worse. Nobody sees it, or they don't care enough to. I know Karkat, my best friend, can tell something's off. Something he can't quite place, or doesn't want to.
Finally I rip myself out of my thoughts and glance at the clock. Nearly noon. The cloud settled over my shoulders hasn't lifted. It hate doing this. I hate that it has come to this, but lately it seems to be the only thing that lifts the darkness, if only for a moment.
I stand and go to where I hide the shiny, silver blade. I twirl it in my fingers, watching the light glint off of it. I find a space on my wrist between the other scars. I press down and drag the sharp blade across the soft skin.
The pain offers a sense of mortality; it offers a sense of how easy it would be to rip it all away. It gives my mind something to focus on. I do it again and then again. Three. Three fresh ones.
I watch the crimson red blood drip off of my arm and onto the cool, hardwood floor. I continue to watch it drip off until I can think again. Until the darkness lightens slightly.
I walk to the bathroom connected to my room and run my arm under the water until the stinging stops and the water clears slightly. I wrap a bandage around my arm and then go sit in front of my computer. This used to be where I spent most of my time. Coding. Alone.
I see that I have a few pesters on Trollian, but don't bother opening it. I open a code that I started several weeks ago as a distraction, and simply stared at it. No motivation to code hits me. I don't want to do this, I can't bring myself to care about this.
I sigh and close the window and power off the computer. Laying down on my bed I glance at the clock, it's about one. I have only wasted an hour. I still have so many more to go. I close my eyes and drift off into a lonely, dreamless sleep.
I wake up about four hours later and see my phone flashing with messages. Opening it, I am unsurprised to see it's Karkat. He's been trying to reach me for the last hour. Knowing him he's probably on his way over. I close the messages without reading them and pull on a black hoodie. Then, sitting on the edge of my bed staring at the dual colored glasses in my hand, I drift off into my thoughts. A dark place to be.
A little while later, I hear a knock at the door. I put on my glasses and look in the mirror. I look pathetic. Sad and tired. Worn out.
Walking to the front door, I open it and half-heartedly greet my friend. He looks me up and down. I can tell he is worried, but I can't bring myself to care. I turn and walk into the living room and head to the couch, and I expect, he follows. I sit down and stare straight ahead and Karkat sits me side me. Watching me.
"Sollux," he says after a beat of silence, "what's wrong?" He worried. Worried about me.
"Nothing," I say turning to him. It is obvious that he is not convinced.
"We both know that's a fucking lie, now if you don't tell me the truth right now, I am going to fucking beat you." Even though his threats are harsh, I know they are empty.
"I thaid nothing'th wrong!" I snap, probably too quickly. He reaches out to take my hand, to try and calm me, and I flinch away. Something clicks in his brain and he reaches out and grabs my wrist. Hard.
Pain flashes up through my arm from the fresh cuts. I gasp in pain and try to pull my arm free, unsuccessfully. He pulls my arm over and pushes up the hoodie sleeve. He sees the bandage and momentarily pauses. I look away. I look anywhere but his face as he gently takes the wrappings off.
I know I'm supposed to be the cool computer guy that has no emotional problems, but that's far from the truth. I weakly protest him.
After what feels like ages, the wrappings are off. I feel exposed with him staring down at me arm. He doesn't say anything for a while, I'm afraid he's just going to storm out in disgust. Refuse to speak to the depressed freak. What he really does, though, surprised me.
He hugs me. I sit stunned for a moment, then I hug him back. I cling to him as if he is the only thing keeping me in this plane of existence. Protecting me from myself. I don't realize this is exactly what I want, what I need, until I start crying. He continues to hug me as I cry, feeling the comforting touch of somebody who cares.
"Shh," he says quietly, soothingly, "shh, we'll get through this. You will always have me."
I realize then, I am not alone. I have my best friend with me. Karkat will always be there for me. Always.