Raph yelled again. He was always yelling. Why couldn't he understand water balloons were totally hilarious? But then, Donnie had yelled too. Donnie, of all his bros, should have understood the science behind them, if not the art. Water was H2O. Everyone knew that, and it was science-y. H2O plus a little air, oxygen and stuff, plus a balloon equaled a water balloon. And that was totally an equation. On top of that, there was the prajectory or whatever Donnie would have called it that Mikey had to calculate every time he threw one, although Mikey guessed that was partially art, sort of.
Why didn't they get it?
Mikey sighed. Donnie sure had looked mad when he shook that wrench at him.
A growl from the other end of the hall alerted Mikey to some serious danger. He ducked into his room, slamming the door and locking it before Raph's fist hit it so hard the walls shook.
"If you don't get your shell out here right now," Raph screamed, "I'm gonna rip this door off its freakin' hinges, and then I'm gonna— "
"Raphael!" Mikey heard the voice of their sensei in the hall. He sounded pretty cranky. "Destroying parts of our home would be an inappropriate way to express your anger, don't you agree?"
"What the—did you see what he—"
"Do you not agree?"
A loud huff came from Raph. "Hai, Sensei." There was a pause. "You'll have to come out of there sooner or later, Mikey. When you do, you're freakin' toast!"
Mikey heard Raph stomp away, but decided to stay in his room for a while, just in case.
Well, what now? Comic books. He grabbed a stack that crashed off a shelf when Raph had punched the door. Deathkitteh: World's Cutest Assassin. Mikey had been waiting a couple days for April to bring him the next one in the series. He'd checked online; he knew it was out. But she'd been cramming hard for an exam, whatever that meant, and hadn't been over since Tuesday. So he read through some of Deathkitteh's older adventures, so his memory would be all refreshed and stuff for the new ish on the totally awesome day when April would put it in his hands.
Someone knocked on his door.
"Raph?" said Mikey, hoping his voice didn't do that quaky thing it sometimes did when he was really, like, terrified.
"No, it's me," he heard Leo say. "Sensei says—Sensei says I need to do something with you." He didn't sound all that happy.
Mikey tossed the comic aside and threw open the door. "All right, bro! What are we doin'?"
Leo didn't smile back at him. "Why don't we go into the dojo and see if I can teach you to meditate? Even if you only do it for a few minutes, which will probably be the most we can manage, it can calm you down."
"Dude, I'm not the one who needs to calm down. Did you see Raph? He totally spazzed on me."
Leo sighed. "Raph's a different story."
"Yeah, like a dark creepy violent evil story of total evil," Mikey said.
Leo sighed again and turned his eyes up toward the ceiling like he saw something interesting up there. Mikey looked, but didn't see anything cool.
"Come on." Leo grabbed Mikey by an elbow pad and pulled him into the dojo.
Sitting cross-legged on one of the rugs, Leo gestured for Mikey to do the same, and he did. Mikey glanced around the room. He totally loved the dojo. There was this huge cool tree, and like a ton of rugs all over the whole floor, and they were all such bright awesome colors. He ran his hand over a large orange shape near one of his feet. Awesome.
Leo was talking again. "Okay. Look. For this to work, you have to clear your mind."
Mikey grinned, blinked, and waited for Leo to tell him what he should do next.
Leo's mouth fell open a little. "Right. You've mastered the first step. Now, control your breathing, and focus on it. Breathe really slowly, in and out."
This meditation stuff sounded easy. Mikey did exactly what his bro told him, slowing his breath, focusing on it. "Piiiiiiizzzzaaaaa," he said. "Piiiiiiiiiizzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaa."
"Mikey, what the—what are you doing?"
Mikey opened his eyes. Leo still didn't look happy. "Dude, I was flipping through the channels the other day, and this meditation dude was on, and he said you gotta have a bantra. So I like totally have the best bantra ever."
"No mantras," said Leo. "Just focus on your breathing for now."
That sounded pretty boring. Mikey frowned. "Leo, is this gonna suck?"
Leo finally cracked a little smile. "Not if you do it right."
"Okay." Mikey said, closing his eyes. "I'll do it right. What do I do now?"
He heard Leo settle back into position near him. "Now, just think of something calming."
Mikey sat still and breathed. What calmed him? Being calm must be awesome, if Leo liked it, so something calming was something awesome. What was awesome? Nunchucks were awesome, skateboarding was awesome, and surfing was awesome. Well, it would be, if he ever got to do it, like those surfer dudes he had seen on TV.
Slow breaths. Nunchucks.
Mikey imagined himself in the dojo, swinging his nunchucks around. He spun them so fast he couldn't see them. Then he spun them so fast his bros couldn't see them; so fast Splinter couldn't even see them. He spun them so fast they caught on fire. Yeah. Mikey flipped through the air with his flaming nunchucks, sparks flying all over the place, and watched his bros throw buckets of water on the fires he started on the rugs. Then they all started cheering. For him.
"Mikey!" Raph said. "You are so freakin' awesome! You have to go out in the city and protect us while we hide here, 'cause we're totally scared."
"Yes, Mikey," said Donnie. "My scientific hypothesis is that you rule!"
"Mikey!" Leo said. "Your Nunchucks of Fire are so way cooler than my katanas. I'm making you the leader!"
Mikey bowed to them. "I like totally accept this leadership, Leo. And don't you worry, little Raphie. I'll protect all my bros."
"You're the best, Mikey!" Raph's voice echoed behind him as Mikey ran out of the lair.
He ran across rooftops, fiery nunchucks glowing in the dark, totally leaving this big trail of fire wherever he went. Wait, what was that below, on the ground? Purple Dragons. Kids' stuff, but they still needed to be taught a lesson, 'cause they were about to take an old lady's purse. She looked like somebody's granny, like April's granny, and they were gonna rob her.
That was messed up.
Mikey dropped from the building, flew across the street, and brought his Nunchucks of Fire down on the Purple Dragons. He hit one guy so hard he flew like all the way through a building. Awesome heavy metal started blasting from somewhere. Then ten Purple Dragons surrounded him at the same time, but he whirled the nunchucks and they had to jump back due to, like, all the fire and awesomeness and stuff. But they were morons and tried to hit him anyway, busting out all these lame-looking weapons they probably stole from some really bad kung fu movie actors or something. He took them down so easy it was almost, like, embarrassing.
He was getting ready to go see if the old lady was okay when something heavy landed on his shell. Foot ninjas! A back flip, the most useful move ever, sent the Foot dude flying off his back and onto the sidewalk. Lots more showed up, but Mikey took them out fast with his burning nunchucks. When the last Foot ninja lay totally fried to a crisp on the ground, Mikey heard a deep and cold and totally familiar voice.
"Michelangelo," said Shredder. "You might have defeated my lame-o Foot soldiers, but you will never defeat me. I will, like, destroy you."
Mikey whirled the flaming nunchucks. A quick flick of his wrist popped the blades out and turned them into flaming kusurigama. Woah. Could he even get any cooler?
"You know what, Shredder? Or should I call you Loser?" Mikey yelled. "I've always hated your stupid, lame, pointy armor."
Shredder stared at him, highly honked off. "You think you are awesomer than me, turtle? I will totally send you back to your master in a baggie. And then I will take Granny O'Neil's purse."
Mikey just laughed. "Bring it, Oroku Sucky!"
Charging at Mikey, Shredder raised one of his knifey hands to destroy him, like he said. But Mikey flipped out of his way, whacked him good in the jaw with a roundhouse kick, wound him up in the flaming kusurigama chain, and watched him bake like a huge, pointy, real nasty pizza.
Their worst enemy was like, totally dead and stuff. "Booyakasha!" Mikey yelled.
April's granny ran over and gave him a hug. He was careful not to burn her with the Kusurigama of Fire. "Michelangelo, sweetie, you are the most amazing dude ever! I will so totally bake you some chocolate chip and gummy bear cookies and have April bring them to you when she drops off the new Deathkitteh," she said.
"Sweet!" said Mikey, and the vision faded.
His kusurigama/nunchucks disappeared, and he was sad for a second, until the skateboard appeared in his hand.
It wasn't his usual deck. It was shiny and orange and had flames and a skull and a flaming turtle next to a flaming skull on it. "Epic," whispered Mikey, and then he saw Tony Hawk standing next to him.
He tried to say, "epic" again, but the word got all stuck in his mouth and he kinda felt dizzy.
"Hey there, Mikey," said Tony Hawk. "I've heard you're the awesomest skater in the entire universe, y'know, except for me."
Mikey was so excited he thought he would pass out or maybe even puke. "Dude! That's so totally true!"
Tony Hawk grinned. "There's a sick half pipe like a mile up the road. Been lookin' for a vert session?"
"Woah," said Mikey. "With you? I so totally have!"
"Oh, wait," said Tony Hawk. "Let me give you my autograph first. Wouldn't want your bros to think you were lying when you tell them about this most totally awesome event of your whole existence ever." Stepping forward with a marker, he signed Mikey's plastron.
Only a squeak escaped from Mikey's lips, 'cause they had started quivering so bad.
"Race you!" Tony Hawk yelled, taking off on his board. Mikey recovered fast, hopped on his deck, and rode after him. Like magic or something, cool skater punk music started up. Mikey closed in on Tony Hawk and totally passed him, cheering for himself the whole way. Tony Hawk cheered for him too. Mikey kick-flipped his board, rode for a while, carved to a stop, and stared at the half pipe of sparkling white concrete that appeared of nowhere.
Tony Hawk didn't even stop. He skated right into the half pipe and started flying and flipping all over the place, doing every move in his tricktionary. Mikey waited and watched with respect and like a ton of amazement, then rode into the half pipe. Like he had taken notes or something, he nailed every one of Tony Hawk's tricks. When he finished, Tony Hawk's mouth was hanging open like he was looking to catch some major flies.
"Think that was awesome? Watch this!" Mikey flew up the half pipe's side, rocketing probably a good fifteen feet in the air out the top of it. He grabbed the board heelside and spun two and a half times to complete a totally perfect 900. Sweet.
Tony Hawk cheered again, but Mikey couldn't see him now. The half pipe had become a whole pipe, and there was a loud roaring sound that wasn't cheering at all. Mikey looked up and realized he was in a tube of rushing water—a wave!
Mikey was surfing. Totally, utterly surfing. He heard cool surfing music over the wave noise. How? Didn't matter.
He scooted awesomely out of the tube before it crashed on the shore, and that's when he noticed the girl on the surfboard that slid out of the wave right behind him.
She. Was. Fine.
"Aloha, Michelangelo," the babe said, with like this huge smile.
Mikey checked out her orange bikini and her brown skin. "Aloha, smokin' hot surfer babe."
The babe laughed and carried her board up onto the beach, where she dropped it to the sand and sat on a towel. "I've been out here all morning, and I'm beat. But you look like you could keep going, 'cause of all your mind-blowing strength and coolness." She brushed long black wet hair out of her face with her fingers. Wow. "Why don't you go carve up that bomb for me?" She pointed out toward the ocean, where this massive wave was forming. It had to be like twenty feet high or whatevz.
It was a monster, but the surf babe was watching, and she wanted to see him carve it. Yeah. He could totally do that.
Back on his longboard, Mikey paddled out toward the growing lump in the water. The freakin' thing looked like a gigantic wall rising out of the ocean. Woah. A quick move of total awesomeness and he was sailing along on the back of the wave as it popped up. He stuck his hand in the water to slow himself down, stalling to give the wave time to barrel. It did—good wave!—and Mikey dropped into the curl, walking to the front of his board to hang six over its nose. He settled into the "green room" as it formed like a sewer pipe, except like five bazillion times more awesome and ginormous, around him. The wave's roar was so loud he couldn't hear the surf babe cheering, but he was sure she was. Well, like, how could she not? His surfing was totally bodacious. Yeah.
He zipped out of the monster wave right before it collapsed. He headed for the shore, thinking about maybe giving the awesome Hawaiian babe a kiss. But she just yelled, "Mikey! You rock! Do it again!"
Well, duh. Sure he would do it again, for her. He turned around and hit the water, like a turtle do, and surfed for her until the sun set into the water like a big orange glowy thing, like, setting into the water. And during the whole afternoon he could hear the hot chick cheering his name: "Mi-key! Mi-key! Mi-key!"
"Mikey!"
Leo's voice busted into Mikey's awesome surfing day. Mikey opened his eyes and looked up into his bro's smiling face.
"Mikey, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm really impressed with your focus," Leo said. "I have to tell you I didn't expect you to get this into meditation. I've been saying your name for a while now, trying to bring you out of your trance. Nicely done!"
Mikey stretched and cracked his neck. "Leo, I thought you said meditation was s'posed to be calming— not, like, exhausting."
"Huh?" said Leo.
"Dude, I have just been skatin' like crazy, and surfing monster waves all day, and then I totally blew up the Purple Dragons and the Foot, and then I handed Shredder his stupid pointy butt. I'm so tired I can't even hardly, like, move."
Leo's eye ridges rose. "But you were in a completely relaxed state. You don't feel calm and at peace?"
"Nope." Mikey yawned. "Just tired. I'm gonna go take the mother of all naps now, bro."
Leaving Leo behind him with his mouth open just like Tony Hawk, Mikey took off out of the dojo, looked around to make sure Raph wasn't waiting for him out in the hall, and headed into his room for a nap, hoping maybe the surfer babe would show back up in his dreams, 'cause he still totally had a kiss to lay on her.
Sweet.