The sunsets in Nepal were breathtaking. I have traveled quite a bit for my job, but there was something about this place that seemed...almost meditative. It was everything and nothing at once. Situated between China and India, it borrowed from both culture yet lacked both the overwhelming population and tourism industry of either. The marketplaces were busy and full of music, color, and life while the country side was almost barren of any human interferance. The higher elevations were practically arctic while the valleys could often be considered a tropical Asian paradise. How could so much be contained in such a small small place?

Perhaps I should know the answer to that. I was also overlooked more often than not because of my small size and rather non-intimidating appearance. But my reputation was well known and well deserved. It came with hard work and sacrifice, but I felt it was worth it...most days.

I had just finished my shift when the phone rang. It had been a while since I had seen that particular phone number pop up on my caller ID. I hesitated...not sure if I was prepared for what lay in wait at the other end of the call. I couldn't hide from it though, eventually I would have to face the facts either way. I answered on the 6th ring.

"Hathaway."

"Janine, we found them." Guardian Alberta Petrov was one of the few people I allowed to call me by my first name. I tended to be fairly formal, but since she had essentially stepped in to fulfill the one task that I abandoned...she earned the right to familiarity.

"Have they been returned to the school yet?"

"No, but Guardian Belikov has apprehended them and they are on the plane now. They should arrive within hours."

"Thank you. Will you please let me know when they land at the Academy?" Up to this point, the conversation was extremely professional. You never would have guessed that we were talking about two teenage runaways, one of whom was my own flesh and blood.

"Of course," Alberta continued. "I'll call you myself as soon as I see them with my own eyes to make sure they are safe."

The pause that followed was heavy and I knew what was coming. It was the same request I heard every time Alberta called.

"Janine, you should come. Even after all this time, perhaps especially after all this time, Rose could use some guidance from her mother. I know Lord Szelkey would be happy to give you some time away."

"Alberta, you have been more of a mother to her than I have." We quickly said our goodbyes, but I knew it wasn't the end. The next call would have the same request.

It was true. I had left Rose in the care of the Academy just before her fourth birthday, signing away my parental rights. I honestly would have done it sooner if I could have. I was never cut out to be a mother and RoseMarie was just a constant reminder of choices I had made, including some I would rather forget. Alberta had taken Rose under her wing almost immediately, caring for her better than I ever had...better than I ever could. Rose was better off with her at the Academy, and the less I interfered in her life the more well off she would be.

At least that is what I thought until a few years ago when she and Vasilisa suddenly disappeared. I had received reports of her breaking rules, fighting, and generally causing trouble since she was in kindergarten. Even with her history, nobody expected her to actually run away though. Even more so with the last of a Royal Moroi line in tow. It was so irresponsible that they initially suspected foul play. When it became clear that they weren't kidnapped, a man hunt for the two was put in place. After a full year without a single trace, it became unlikely that we would ever hear from them again. I was so worried, I had even considered calling Rose's father to enlist his help. I didn't though. I knew that if he cared at all, he would be furious that I had let things get so out of hand. I was even more worried that he simply wouldn't care at all. I hadn't talked to him in years, who knows what might have changed in his life. The one certainty I had was that Rose and I were not a part of it.

Overall though, I was simply ashamed. I was ashamed that I couldn't be the mother a child deserved. I was ashamed that I used my career to excuse my actions. I'm ashamed that I never put in the effort to keep up a relationship with RoseMarie when she was younger due to my own selfishness and pain. Most of all, I was ashamed that I was too afraid of her rejection to reach out to her now.

The last time I had seen her, I had slipped in and out without her ever knowing. She was still bloody and bruised from the crash that took the lives of Vasilisa's family. They had to sedate both girls after they were hospitalized because they were practically frantic. Who could blame them? The girls were only about 14 at the time, and had both made it out of a horrific crash that should have killed them. They had spent an nearly hour huddled together along the road side with nobody by dead bodies for company before a highway patrol officer found them. Both of them were essentially alone in this world now. One had just lost her entire family in an instant, while the other lost the closest thing she had ever known to one. Who wouldn't be scared for what the future held?

I should have embraced my daughter then. I should have been there for them both, the same way that Prince Dragomir and his family had stepped in and been there for Rose all these years. But I was a coward. When I saw my daughter so frail, what could I say? I'm sorry wasn't nearly good enough. And why should she believe me if I told her I loved her? I hadn't given her once ounce of proof of that in the last decade. In the end, I simply kissed her cheek, whispered how grateful I was that she was alive, and left. She never even knew I was there.

Alberta's second call interrupted my memories. Both girls were fine. They had put up a fight but were now safely within the Academy gates. Even better was the fact that, with Guardian Belikov's help, Rose had managed to escape expulsion. I felt a small pain inside when I realized that I had never thought that it would be an issue. Of course Rose would face punishment for her actions, but what would have happened to her if they had kicked her out? I couldn't even begin to imagine. I would be in Guardian Belikov's debt for this.

Sleep eluded me this night. All I could think about was how grateful I was that Rose was still alive. How grateful I was that she was safe. How grateful I was that there were good people in this world that would advocate for her when needed. How grateful I was that she would be able to continue her education and perhaps still succeed in her career.

After an hour or so, I opened my laptop and wrote her a note. Then I rewrote it. Over and over again. Everything I said seemed inappropriate. In one note I professed my maternal love and thankfulness, in another I tried to explain how worried I had been, in another I chastised her for being so irresponsible.

Yes, I knew I should go and see Rose. I also knew that Lord Szelsky would be more than happy to give me the leave to do so. He was a family man and pushed me almost as much as Alberta did when it came to seeing Rose. Still, I couldn't. When I had left RoseMarie in the care of St. Vladimir Academy, I had given up my parental rights. When I made no effort to be a part of her life after that day, I had given up everything else when it came to her. I had no right to scold her. I had no right to love her.

In the end, I had written two sentences:

I'm glad you're back. What I did was inexcusable.

Within those two lines was everything and nothing. Nothing of my worry, my love, my apologies and so on. Yet deeper beneath the simple words was everything I wanted to say and more. My regret and my hope. I stared at the words, hovering over the "send" button for nearly ten minutes before making a quick change.

My heart broke when I realized I was still a coward. I was one of the best guardians out there...but I couldn't face my own daughter. I changed one word and hung my head in shame as I sent the email:

I'm glad you're back. What you did was inexcusable.

Author's Note

You guys earned it! What do you think? I always wondered what went through Janine's mind when she found out that Rose and Lissa were back at the academy. Why would her note be so short? Why didn't she visit Rose more often, especially after several fairly traumatic life events? Do you think the portrayal was true to character?

Thank you for reading my other story: Vampire Academy - Dimitri's Point of View. If you haven't started reading it yet, you can find it on my fanfiction profile.

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Disclaimer: I do not own Vampire Academy or its characters.