1. The sad side of normal
There was a loud squeak as the bus pulled in. It stopped with a huff and hummed before the glass windows of the coach station. A woman sitting near the front looked toward the aisle. The people around her were gathering their things and rising to their feet. She held a baby in her arms.
The others lined up beside her, but she made no effort to move.
"Oh hell! We're in London," Maddy thought. "What in the world made me think that this was a good idea?
"It was that Sherlock Holmes. 'Go see John', he says. 'John loves babies', he says. I don't even have the excuse of gin in the eggnog to explain my insanity.
"How long did it take me to escape from this place only for me to come back willingly with my baby no less? Maybe in Manchester I can keep her away from Mycroft, but here?
"What am I saying? I'll never be able to keep her from him. No matter how far I go once he knows for sure.
"But then again, if Sherlock's right, and he usually is, Mycroft already knows and isn't choosing to do anything about it, so... stay calm, Maddy, stay calm. No use delaying. Time to go."
Maddy stood stuffing the blanket into the diaper bag and zipping it before lifting it and her purse over her shoulder. Eliza stood on the seat, her hands holding on to the back of the bench. Maddy smiled and lifted her up onto her hip before getting into line to exit the bus.
She walked down the steps one at a time looking around for cameras. As her foot touched the pavement she let out a sigh. 'I'm here', she thought. The people behind her flowed forward, and she stepped out of the way checking to make sure that Eliza's hood covered her face. She tapped Eliza's button nose playfully and smiled before standing with the other passengers at the side of the bus to await the unloading of the luggage.
The wind blew chill making her ponytail flap against her cheek so that Maddy regretted not bringing her knit cap. "Too late to get it now."
The driver roughly threw her suitcase and the playpen down onto the hard concrete. She rushed forward to get it afraid that he had broken it. She thought of complaining, but she said nothing.
She dragged the playpen and the suitcase toward the door passing beside a nice woman who held open the door for her, which was good as she had no hands free, and she didn't want to have to put Eliza down.
"Thank You," she said as she entered, dragging her luggage to the nearest row of white plastic coated benches and sitting down. The lobby was warm. She was in the row nearest the windows so she could clearly see the man outside continuing to carelessly toss other people's belongings onto the sidewalk.
Maddy sat Eliza down on the cold linoleum floor. It hadn't been swept for a while, and was covered with a layer of dirt, the dried mud left from the passage of hundreds of feet. Eliza crawled across the floor toward the window placing her small hands against the glass as she looked out.
"I'm going to have to wipe her hands," Maddy though as she pulled out her phone and dialed.
"Hello? John Watson here," the voice on the other side said.
"John, it's Maddy."
"Maddy! Hello, where are you?"
"At the coach station."
"Wonderful. Do you want me to pick you up?"
"You have a car?"
"No ...I meant, I could take a taxi. Pick you up and bring you back here."
"And pay twice the fee? Don't be ridiculous. I can hail a cab myself."
"Are you sure Maddy?"
"Of course I am, just give me the phone number, and I'll call for one."
"Right, give me a second to look one up ..."
Maddy rifled through her purse pulling out her notepad and pen to write down the number.
"Great, see you soon, John."
She dialed and the dispatcher told her that a cab was on its way. Eliza was sitting on the floor looking out of the large plate glass window at the coach which still sat outside. Even through the glass they could hear the rumble of its engine as the last of the bags were removed and the hatches were put back into place.
Eliza was growing fast. Her short brown hair had a hint of red in it, and her eyes were still shockingly blue. Maddy had heard that all babies eyes were blue when they were born, but how long did they stay that way? How long would it be before someone remarked on how incongruous the color was for the daughter of Abud Mohammed? It wasn't unheard of. Sometimes genes just worked that way, and since none of his family was alive, no one that she knew of, then perhaps people would take her word for it that he had fathered this fair-skinned blue-eyed child and not ask too many questions. She certainly didn't want a custody battle. She felt that even though she was her mother, she might not be able to keep her if her real father insisted. But for now, Eliza was only Maddy's daughter, and they'd need her consent to do paternity testing. Maybe it wouldn't be a problem? After all, there was no guarantee that Maddy's eyes would stay this shockingly bright and piercing. They could turn brown. It was possible.
Eliza bounced on the floor and Maddy wondered if she needed to change her diaper again. She had just changed it before they entered the station, so she thought not. She had meant to take the bag of dirty diapers and place it in the waste bin as soon as she entered the station, but she didn't want to step away from Eliza for a moment. She was an incredibly fast crawler.
Maddy looked around the bus station. There was a time, not that long ago, when she had spent a lot of time in bus stations. They were warm, and the bathrooms were free. Most of the time if you were relatively clean and didn't act too conspicuously like a vagrant, the security guard would look the other way and let you hang out for a while out of the cold.
Maddy looked around and spotted a homeless person across the room from her. The man was sitting quietly on the corner bench unconsciously fingering the holes in his gloves. She spotted another one standing near the woman's restroom. "That woman beside the bathroom door. She's looking in the bin to see if anyone is throwing away food. She's going to be tossed out. She's too obviously poor, too obviously needy. She looks like she's about to ask someone for food. I have a banana in my bag... but it's for Eliza. I feel for the woman, but I'm a mother now and I have to think of my own first. In the whole world, Eliza only has me to take care of her.
"I'm sorry" she whispered into the air.
The cab pulled up outside, and Maddy rose from her chair scooping up Eliza as she pushed through the door to wave at the driver so that he knew to wait for her. She balanced Eliza on her hip again and dragged her luggage out of the door and down to the curb. The driver picked it up and put it in the boot.
Eliza was fussy on the ride, so Maddy opened her coat and discretely fed her. She hoped that John wasn't weird about breast feeding. He probably wasn't as he was a doctor, but she should ask just in case.
They arrived at 221B Baker street and the driver unloaded her things onto the curb. She reached into her purse but didn't have correct change. He took her bill rushing back into the cab with a muffled thanks. She was too hesitant to ask for her change.
Mrs Hudson answered when Maddy rang the bell.
"Hello Maddy! And who is this then?" she exclaimed smiling as she never had before when Maddy used to come to visit John. "What a coot wittle baby," she said reaching out her arms. At first Maddy clasped Eliza closer before relaxing and letting Mrs Hudson hold her. She was in good spirits after her feeding.
A sound caused Maddy to look up to see Dr. John Watson on the stairs. It had been about a year since she had last seen him. He was thinner and the hint of grey that she had seen in his hair before had transformed into a solid grey mass covering each temple. He walked down the steps smiling and gave her a hug before going out and down the stairs to get her luggage.
"Hello Maddy, how was your trip?" he said when he returned lugging the playpen and suitcase.
"Good, good. It was a bit long, but we enjoyed ourselves, didn't we Eliza?"
"Eliza?" Mrs Hudson said, "What a beautiful name. Is it short for Elizabeth?"
"Uh...no, it's just Eliza. It was my mother's name. Her name is Eliza Mohammed St. Martin."
"Mohammed?" Mrs Hudson said, "That's a strange name for a girl."
"It's her father's name."
"Her father? So you mean that her father is not..." Mrs Hudson glanced at Maddy and tilted her head to look back at the baby. "Well, well... anyway, she is such a beautiful girl. Do you mind if I take her to see Mrs. Turner? When I told her that a baby was coming, she had me promise to take her right over as soon as she came. Do you mind?"
"Oh no," Maddy said, "Please do, it's fine."
"Thanks dear," Mrs Hudson said, "This is such a novelty for us. John, of course, has no children and Mrs Turner's married ones can't ...well I suppose they could adopt, but you know what I mean."
"Of course, Mrs Hudson."
"Wave to Mama and we'll be back in just a bit."
Maddy reached out to Eliza pulling her coat closed before Mrs Hudson turned away. She stared at Mrs Hudson's back biting her lip as the door closed between her and Eliza's smiling face.
"Don't worry," John said putting a hand on her shoulder, "Mrs Hudson will take care of her."
John smiled climbing up the stairs and setting her things in the living room beside the door. He walked across the room and squatted down next to the mantle to poke at the fire with an iron.
The fireplace was burning bright. Maddy walked over to warm her hands. She looked over at John. The shifting flames cast shadows on his face. A face already full of shadows. There were frown lines on his cheek. He turned toward her and gave a brief smile that left his lips before he had fully turned his face away.
When Maddy had last been here, the room had been full of Sherlock's things: Stacks of books on the floor, and papers covering the desk. Now, the surfaces were clear. A seascape hung on the wall over the place where the image of a skull had been. The lack of clutter made the room look larger, neater but more stark. Only the mantle was the same as it had been. Nothing had been changed, from the skull and the framed bat, to the knife stabbed through a stack of letters. It was a sort of shrine, the only memory of Sherlock left visible in the room other than his chair which still sat across from John's chair as always.
"Where should I put my things? Am I sleeping on the couch?" Maddy asked.
John looked up from the fire as if he had forgotten that she was in the room, "Oh no Maddy," John said, "I've made up a room for you. Let me take your things up," he said picking up the suitcase and playpen and lugging them up another flight of stairs into his old room.
The bed was freshly made. Probably by Mrs Hudson because she had added an extra coverlet with flowers that she didn't think belonged to John. Maddy dropped her diaper bag and purse on top of it. John placed the playpen down on the floor, and Maddy rushed over to take it, pulling it out of its bag as she assembled it.
"Is there a thermostat, the room is a little chilly?"
"Sure, it's right over here."
John walked over to the thermostat and adjusted the dial raising the temperature in the room while Maddy popped out the legs on the playpen. "Do you need any help with that?" John asked.
"No thank you, I do this all the time," Maddy said, "When Eliza comes back, I'm going to change her and put her to bed."
"I see," he said but she could tell from his look that he was about as familiar with this as he was with subatomic physics. He had learned the theory, but had had little practical experience.
John stood with his hands clasped in front of him, an unconscious echo of Sherlock who had stood at the door of her flat on Christmas day in almost the same pose. He had told her to visit John, his pale eyes imploring her to do...something. To comfort him perhaps? To make sure that he was alright? She wasn't sure.
"Do you like babies, John?" Maddy asked.
John was looking aside toward the window, he turned back to her. "What?" he asked.
"Do you like babies?"
"Yes, yes I do. Love em in fact. I have cousins. Don't live anywhere nearby, and I've never had any of my own of course."
"Thank you again for letting me stay here," Maddy said, "I wanted to come back. To see you first, of course, but also because I felt...that it was time to face my past. Do you know what I mean?"
John was silent.
Maddy sat down on the bed. For a moment she just stared at John who was looking out of the window. He looked sad. He had more wrinkles on his forehead than she remembered, and creases on his face that showed that he frowned now much more than he laughed. He turned his head toward the vacant edges of the room as if he heard voices that were no longer there. Looking aside at images that had once been but were now gone.
It was several minutes before he noticed that he had been ignoring Maddy. He turned to her, startled for a second and then he asked, "Should we go down now? Mrs Hudson will be back soon." Maddy nodded.
"I didn't mean to take your room from you," Maddy said apologetically as they walked down the stairs.
"Oh don't worry about that," John said, "I sleep downstairs now."
They walked into the living room. John stood for a moment considering, and then he motioned for her to take his chair. He stared at Sherlock's chair for a long moment before settling down into it. He steppled his hands, holding them under his chin and smiled to himself. His eyes were downcast. He licked his lips.
John had changed in a year. Before he had been a bit bipolar: Happy at times and incredibly sad at other times. This John Watson was calmer. He had settled into some kind of steady place just on the sad side of normal.
It broke her heart to know that she knew the words that would bring a smile to his face and she couldn't say them. She wanted to say, "Sherlock Holmes is alive and well. He stayed over at my house this Christmas."
What would John do if she said those words? He would be shocked, of course. At first he wouldn't believe her. Then he would start to get excited, but he would try to keep calm, afraid that it was a lie and he would be disappointed. What if Sherlock had let her keep the picture of him? She could show it to John, Sherlock holding Eliza, and he would grin that radiant smile of his insisting that she tell him everything. Oh how she wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him so badly that she thought that she might cry.
John turned toward her, "Oh, I'm sorry, I was woolgathering. Would you like some tea? I'll go put on the kettle." He pushed up out of the chair and trudged off to the kitchen while Maddy looked into the fire.
"Sherlock Holmes is a bastard. Sherlock Holmes is a jerk to lie to this man, to abandon him this way. He left him alone to pine away in this empty flat. Then again, when he saw John's signature on that Christmas card, his whole face changed. As if it was an incantation that led to a magical world. As if it was the door to Narnia. He looked at it with longing. He looked so...lonely.
How long will it take him to finish what he is doing? What is he doing anyway? Chasing down assassins? I don't really want to know. Holmes men and their cold logic. They can be so heartless! Death comes on it's own. You don't need to invite it in."
John walked in with a cup and gave it to Maddy before sitting down in the chair with his own cup. He looked at her and managed a smile.
"So, a baby, that's brilliant! And how is the school coming?"
"It's fabulous. I love every minute of it."
"Wonderful, and the money that you have, is it enough?"
Maddy frowned and blew on her tea. "Well, when I first got it, it seemed as if it would last forever, but I underestimated the cost of housing, and doctor visits, and knives. It's beginning to run a little low, but I have talked with the dean, and she said that I can do some workstudy next year. Make a little money on the side to cover expenses."
"Good, that's good."
"How about you? How are you doing?"
"Oh...fine. I'm fine," he said and took a sip of tea.
Just then they heard the sound of the door opening and shutting and Mrs Hudson trudged up the stairs with Eliza who was starting to fuss. Mrs Hudson hushed her, "there, there girl, you'll be with Mummy in no time," she said.
Maddy put down her tea and rushed forward to take Eliza into her arms. She kissed her forehead. Mrs Hudson excused herself turning back down the stairs. After a few tight hugs, Eliza started to push at mommy to get down. Maddy set her on the floor, and she immediately began to crawl around the flat.
"John, have you ever met Sherlock's mother?" Maddy asked.
John looked up. "No. I saw her at the funeral, but ... honestly I was in no mood to talk to anyone that day. "
"I understand. But, do you have her address?"
"I think so, why?"
"She sent the baby a gift, and I wanted to send her a thank you note."
John stood up and went to the desk. He pulled out an old address book and rifled through the pages. "Yes, I found it."
Maddy rushed over, "But I don't have a card?"
"I think I saw a box in the back of the drawer," John said pulling out pens, pencils, and oddments and placing them on the surface of the desk. After a few minutes of searching he pulled out a box. He lifted the lid to reveal a set of note cards. John drew in a sharp breath. Then he bit his lip and pulled out a card and an envelope. "Do you want me to address an envelope for you?" he asked passing her the card.
"Could you please?" Maddy said picking a pen up from the desk.
Maddy examined the card. It was a white card, completely blank on the inside, but the cover held the initials SH embossed and printed in black ink. She hoped that John's mother didn't get a heart attack when she saw it.
Maddy wrote:
Dear Mrs. Holmes,
Thank You so much for the gift.
It was so nice of you to think of Eliza.
She loves the rattle, and the shoes fit perfectly.
Yours
Maddy St. Martin
Eliza Mohammed St. Martin
Eliza made a muffled giggle, and Maddy looked down to see that she had her head stuck under John's chair. She handed the card back to John who placed it in the envelope and sealed it. Maddy bent down and grabbed Eliza's tiny waist pulling her out from under the chair. Then she screamed, "What is that!" as she noticed that Eliza held a syringe, the sharp metal needle waving in her hand.
John rushed over taking the syringe from the baby "Where did she find that? I thought that I had found all of Sherlock's hiding places. Sorry Maddy, this place isn't exactly childproofed."
Maddy held Eliza closer to her chest. "No, no." she said shaking her head, "Don't play with sharp things." Eliza simply laughed.
John returned looking a bit apologetic. He picked up the letter. "I'll get this out with the morning post," he said starting down the stairs.
"If you don't mind, I think that I'll take Eliza to bed," Maddy said causing him to turn back to watch her clutching the baby against her breast.
He nodded "Good night Maddy," he said.
"Good Night," she replied moving quickly up the stairs.
That night Eliza would sleep in the bed where mommy could keep an eye on her, not the playpen. Eliza was the most precious thing in the world, and she only had Maddy to keep her safe.
They entered John's old room and Maddy carefully closed and locked the door blocking the scary world out and sealing inside her secrets.