Something Other Than Ashes
Carol took her sorrow and her rage out on the white flowers that had proved to be as so much had been in her life just another hope that quickly turned to misery. She had known deep in her heart that Sophia was dead days ago, but Daryl had told her the story of the Cherokee roses and she had let herself believe that he would find her alive. Today a monster had come stumbling out of the barn wearing Sophia's rainbow shirt and her last hope died. She tore at the flowers and the bushes until the wilted white blossoms littering the ground were dotted with her blood like crimson tears.
She wandered out of the bushes to find Daryl washing his hands and face at one of the pumps. Her rage had turned to apathy and she didn't shake him off when he took her hands and washed them with water and a bit of soap. His hands were gentle but he scrubbed at the mud and blood until her hands were clean and he dried them with his red bandana. "You need to put something on those cuts." He washed out the bandana and washed her face. "You need to eat and drink something. Don't think you've eaten in days."
"I can't eat. Everything tastes like ashes." She was ashes, everything in her was burned up and consumed.
Daryl made quick eye contact and then looked back at her hands, "You gotta eat anyway. You gotta try. Lori and Andrea have been cooking supper. It will taste like ashes 'cause those two lack any culinary skills." He washed his red rag out again and wiped the mud off her arms. He pumped some more water and cleaned the mud off her feet. "Those two don't get along all that well, you know. We better get over there before Andrea shoots Lori."
Daryl rinsed the bucket out and filled it with water. "Let's go."
Carol followed him numbly. Andrea and Lori saw them coming across the field and came to meet her. They took her into the RV and found clean clothes for her to wear. Lori filled her in on the news. Beth had collapsed, Hershel had disappeared, and Glenn and Rick were looking for him. Andrea cleaned her hands again and put something on them that stung.
She ate a few bites of something and drank a cup of truly terrible coffee. Lori disappeared in the direction of the house and Andrea sat with her by the fire. Dale was on watch and the camp was quiet.
Carol remembered the night Sophia was born. The intense pain of childbirth that seemed never ending until finally her body yielded to the insistent demand of her child to be born, to begin its existence separate from her. The pain she was enduring now was like that. Sophia was in another existence now, separated from her in this life, and there was only this faint hope that there would be a reunion someday. Part of her wanted to make that journey now.
But, part of her didn't want to die. Sophia had died in a state of grace, but the Bible made it clear that there was no room in heaven for those who had hate in their heart. Carol knew too well that she had prayed for Ed to die over and over. He was dead and she still hated him. Could she ever put the past behind her? She wanted a life not hemmed in by Ed's incessant cruelties and her constant weaknesses. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Ed was dead and gone to his just reward which should include equal amounts of fire and brimstone. Her only option for revenge on Ed was to live her life as she wished. She had spent too much of her life being afraid and if she only had a few days left? Carol Ann McAllister was going to be her own master from now on.
"Let's walk over to the house and see how Beth is doing?" Andrea could only sit for so long.
Carol followed her because it was something to do. Later I'll take some flowers to Sophia's grave. She isn't there, but now her body is at rest.
TWDTWDTWD
Daryl whittled at his new campsite. He felt as bitter as the evening coffee. I didn't find her in time. That little girl is dead and Carol is never gonna to get over losing her. I fucked up again.
Lori marched in and demanded that he go looking for Rick and Glenn. Daryl was tired of looking for people and he blew her off. She marched off to find another peon to do her bidding and he went off to lick his wounds in the woods.
Carol needs some medicine for those hands. Could get infected. He kicked a tree root hard enough to hurt his foot. Carol ain't your business. Stop thinking that she is.
Daryl climbed out onto a rock cliff to watch the evening sun. It's pretty here. We could stay forever and Carol would be safe here. All of us could be safe. Make a new start.
I'm not doing a very good job not thinking about Carol. So I'm going to just stop lying to myself. I think about her all the time. I look for her when she ain't here and I watch her when she is. The more I am around her the more I wanna be with her. Yeah, be honest now. You want to take her up here and show her the sunset. You want to show off your hunting skills by bringing home food. And you wanna take her into your tent and fuck her until she cries out your name and comes. You want to come inside Carol and watch her fall asleep after. You are truly pussy whipped and she don't even think of you that way.
She kissed you on your forehead and told you that you were good as anybody and you fell the rest of the way in love with her. You held her back from running to her little girl. That don't mean shit. Now grow up and stop mooning around here. Merle would kick your ass if he saw how damn weak you are around her. She ain't going turn to you ever.
He stayed there for hours watching the sky darken and the stars come out. It was cold tonight and that reminded him that summer was almost over. It would be too cold soon for camping outdoors.
Carol was looking at his walker ear collection when he got back to his camp. H could tell that the ears grossed her out and that made him angry. Maybe life in general was pissing him off. He managed to piss off Carol by telling her that he had refused to go after Rick and Glenn. She marched off as mad as Lori. It's my day to piss off the ladies.
He brooded some more. Thinking of all the things he would like say to Carol that would make her hate him and leave him alone. He was gonna take off tomorrow. He was better off on his own. No confusing feelings about Carol. Just find some cabin somewhere and live his life in damn peace for once.
Daryl planned his leave taking. He would start at daybreak and head west toward the mountains. Merle's old bike in the truck and he could scavenge along the way for what he needed.
Carol broke into his reverie. He was surprised that she would come back up here after he was rude to her earlier. She wanted him to move back with the others and Daryl let loose a barrage of accusations at her. He said things to her that he knew would hurt her. Cruel mean things and still she regarded him almost tenderly. As if she knew that he was acting out of pain and not out of spite. Daryl drew his hand back. Not to hit her but to make her think of him as a man who might hit her out of meanness. She didn't draw back.
He put his arm down, "I'm sorry. None of that shit was true. I am just so damn sorry about everything."
"Daryl, don't pull away from us. We need you."
She looked beautiful in the flickering light of the fire and he thought of the cozy cabin in the mountains. Never gonna happen now because he was needed here because these people knew shit from shinola about how to survive. He came closer to her and pulled her into a hug. "Ain't going no damn where, but you got to get your ass in gear and start learning how to fight."
Carol was a good hugger. Not too tight as to make him antsy, but close enough so that he could feel her shivering in the cold. He pulled her closer, "You need a heavier coat and some boots."
She lifted her head to smile at him and that is when he found himself kissing her. Her lips were soft and warm and he kept kissing her until she pulled back, "Daryl?"
"You better go back to camp, Carol. I just wanted to kiss you is all. Go on back now. I'll see you in the morning." He couldn't read her expression. More surprised than anything else it looked like.
"Maybe I want to kiss you too. Maybe I want to feel something but sorrow. Taste something that isn't ashes. Maybe just for tonight we can just let go of all that holds us back." Carol moved closer and kissed him like she meant what she said.
Daryl knew he was taking advantage of a woman driven off her rocker by guilt and grief, but he heard more than grief and guilt in Carol's voice. She had chosen to live and she had chosen to be with him tonight.
"Never had sex in a tent. Don't go wild on me woman and tear down my portable home." He kissed her again and she laughed against his lips, "Making no promises, Dixon."
TWDTWDTWD
Carol laughed again as Daryl kicked off his boots and threw his vest on the ground. He kissed her again as he removed her sweater and began to unbutton her blouse. He didn't taste like ashes. More like salt and he smells like summer in Georgia. Sweaty and alive with the smells of the woods and fields. He smells like life and I don't want to smell anything else right now.
The inside of his tent was surprisingly neat and they finished taking off their clothes. It wasn't dark inside because of the camp fire and Daryl opened up the sleeping bag so that it formed a larger bed and he propped himself up by his elbow, "You can chicken out if want to. I ain't holding you to this."
She was feeling a strong desire to run back to her little tent and crawl into her solitary sleeping bag. "What do you want?"
Daryl looked down at his dick already at full mast. "I'm Captain Obvious over here." I just want to kiss you is all. For once Carol do what you want to do. Admit that you have been attracted to him since the quarry.
Carol eased herself toward him on the sleeping bag. "Slow Captain Obvious down. Please."
Daryl laughed, "He gets a mite overeager at times." Daryl kissed her neck. "Nothing happens that you don't want, okay?"
He kissed her sore hands and made a face at the taste. "Must be good medicine 'cause it tastes awful. I want something that will taste good after that." He kissed her lips and she could taste the acrid taste from Andrea's medicine. His tongue traced her lips and then their tongues met and loved on each other.
Daryl's rough hands were on her breasts but they felt good, cupping and squeezing gently until his mouth was on them. Not for long enough and she whimpered a little when he pulled back, "Want to taste all of you."
Carol nodded, "Please." Even if she hadn't had that before she wanted it now.
He moved down between her legs and moved her legs over his shoulders. He explored her with his tongue and then he concentrated on her clit. She was almost embarrassingly wet when he sucked and kneaded with a surprisingly adept tongue and he didn't stop until she came undone.
She caught her breath as he watched her, "You want to taste yourself?"
He didn't wait for an answer as he kissed her and she could taste her own arousal. His fingers was back between her legs and she could feel the hardness of his dick pushing against her and was surprised that she wanted more. Wanted him between her legs. Wanted it now.
"You ready?" She nodded, not expecting much. Sex had never been all that good early in her marriage and it had been horrific later on. Daryl kissed her again and began to enter her slowly until he was all the way in and he pulled himself back and she wanted him all the way in again.
He murmured, "Touch yourself and it will be even better." So she did. It didn't last long but it was enough for her to climax a second time.
She had always admired Daryl's toned arms, but now she could see that he had a flat stomach and muscled calves. He was beautiful naked. She kissed his sweaty chest and felt the tang of salt again. Part of this seemed like a really good dream. It seemed a little unreal that she and Daryl were lying in his tent after having sex. But it was real and she wasn't sorry.
Daryl seemed content to let her explore his body. She licked the salt at his neck and let her hands roam his body. "You're beautiful. All of you."
"All of me?" There was bitterness in his voice and she knew that he was talking about the scars on his back.
"All of you. Maybe those scars are why you are so kind. Why you have been so good to me. All of you is beautiful to me."
He laughed and tasted her neck. "If this is a wet dream, don't wake me up."
Carol hadn't slept more than a few hours since Sophia disappeared, "I better go back. I need to sleep." She got dressed slowly and Daryl threw on pants and a shirt and put on his boots. They walked back toward the campsite. TDogg was on watch. Daryl took watch and Carol went into her tent. Sophia's clothes and the little doll that Daryl brought back were there and she held Sophia's pajama top and cried herself to sleep.
Daryl watched the stars from the top of the rv. Carol came my camp and I fucked her. That's was what I wanted but now what do I do? Never thought it would happen so I didn't think things through. She deserves more than I can give her. I ain't nothing but an outside dog. A stray. Maybe that's why she was so quick to come back here. We'll just act like that didn't happen.
TWDTWDTWD
The next morning Carol slept in, only waking in time to find that Rick, Glenn, and Hershel were back safely but with a prisoner. There had been a confrontation with another group of survivors. The prisoner was taken to a barn. Shane was backbiting Rick as usual. Carol went back to the camp and did laundry.
Struggling with wet clothes seemed easier than dealing with the cross currents of emotion that being with the group today. Daryl was avoiding her and she was relieved about that. She wasn't ready to talk about it. Lori was pregnant. That was making Shane crazier and Rick had enough to deal with already. Beth was still not right in the head and Maggie and Hershel were trying to tend to her. The laundry needed to be done.
T Dogg had rigged up a shower behind a shed. One of the wells was located up on little knoll higher than the shed so T had connected the well to a long garden hose that led to a water barrel on the roof of the shed. The hot sun warmed the water in the hose and in the barrel. There was enough warm water left after she finished the laundry to take a shower.
Daryl had left four rabbits at the campfire. He was just bringing in a dishpan full of vegetables that he had gathered from Hershel's garden. There was just the two of them and he seemed less wary, "There's enough for lunch and dinner."
He had as always cleaned up his kill so that it was ready to be cooked, "Thank you, everyone needs a good meal. Lot going on today."
Daryl nodded, "This afternoon we're going to go off in a field and you are going to learn how to use a knife."
She threw an angry look at him, but realized that Daryl was right. She needed to learn and no one was better at Daryl at defending himself. He would have saved Sophia because he doesn't depend on a loud gun for defense. Rick did his best, but Daryl would have been better. "Something quiet would be good."
"How are your hands?" He moved closer and she held them up so that he could inspect the palms. He peered at them, "I see some splinters."
Andrea and Dale came in the camp then. Daryl stepped back, "Andrea will take them out for you." Daryl disappeared.
She and Andrea made the stew and then Andrea dug the splinters out. Her friend kept her eyes on the task as she asked, "What's going on with you and Daryl?"
Carol contemplated the question. She didn't have a clue what was going on. "Daryl's going to teach me how to fight so I won't be a burden."
Andrea snickered, "So you out so late last night with Daryl learning how to defend yourself?" She rubbed Carol's arm, "Hey, I am not judging. Daryl is a good guy. He talks all tough but he does good things for us all the time. Now if you want to share some of those good things he does for you? I'll listen."
Carol blushed, "Mind your own business."
Carol was furious to find that Daryl had beaten the prisoner in an effort to get information. She grabbed some first aid supplies and marched across the field to where he was. "Clean up your own bloody hands," and then marched back to the campsite. Daryl watched her flounce away from him and was found himself admiring her sass and her ass.
Carol was pissed at him. That would keep her away from him. He should be glad about that. He had done what needed to be done and the boy was dangerous to them. Randall might have been a spectator at the last rapes but he would graduate soon to full-fledged rapist. They let him go and he would scoot back to his group. He'd lead them back here and the men would be killed and it would be worse for the women.
Carol could just stay pissed at him. She didn't understand this world yet. She didn't have to what he had done. He didn't like it. He was still going to teach her how to fight this afternoon.
AN
What do you think? Worth another chapter?