Washed Away
October 22, 2007

Category: AU; L. Adama/Kara, Karl/Sharon, Adama/Roslin. Secondary; Lee/Dee, Sam/Kara.

Dedication: Dedicated to the usual suspects; Genova aka Schweet, Bri, Mary, Duchess, Dale, Blaire, Red, Stone Cold, Ice Wing, Silent Bob, Arashi, Aslan, Vega, Tony D, Jen Zimmer, Louise, Sairs, and Queen Angel who have allowed me to bounce my ideas off them, and Krac, cause she has the evil bunny slippers.

Washed Away

Lee's scanned the clouds as he looked for Kara, they'd been trying to skirt the storm on their CAP route but she'd chased after that phantom toaster and flown off into the soup. The EM Interference was frakking up his DRADIS and two things were occurring to Lee in quick succession. First; Kara may have indeed cracked up and two he'd have to go in there to find her.

He pushed on the stick and his plane banked into the storm front. Immediately the world plunged into near blackness and moisture impacted on his canopy while his DRADIS picture went to shit. "Starbuck/Apollo, I've lost you on DRADIS. I'm blind."

He was met with silence and his ire began to rapidly climb, "Starbuck/Apollo, I repeat; I have no sign of you or the raider. Starbuck, report!" Still nothing, "Starbuck, report!"

More silence and Lee scowled at the storm clouds surrounding him, "Frak! Kara!"

He heard a garbled voice that sounded vaguely like Karl, "Galactica/Apollo. No joy on raider or Starbuck-" A heavy raider erupted from the clouds right in front of him. "Oh frak!" He jammed the stick forward to try and avoid it but it was too late.

The raider clipped his canopy, jarring his plane hard and his head smashed into the side of the canopy. The plexiglas was cracked from the collision and the cabin pressure plummeted, Lee slumped forward against the stick as the black swallowed him whole.

&&&&&&&&&

She was right behind the raider when it broke out of the heavy clouds and narrowly avoided Lee's viper as he pushed his plane into a steep descent. A wolfish smile spread Kara's lips wide as the raider swerved wildly, right into her kill slot. "See you in hell." She pressed the trigger and it erupted into a ball of super-heated fuel.

With a whoop of joy she triggered her radio, "Apollo/Starbuck, scratch one turkey. You owe me first round at Joe's!" Kara chuckled as she suddenly felt a weight lift off her chest, whatever she'd been dreaming about wasn't real. Probably just some sort of post-hypnotic suggestion from Leoben that she'd triggered during her first flight over this planet.

Moments passed and Lee hadn't replied. She rolled her eyes, "Apollo/Starbuck, what's with the silent treatment?"

The silence turned ominous as her mind replayed the near-collision between the raider and his viper. They were so close and with the way the raider jerked… and the way Lee just shoved his nose forward so hard… She keyed her radio, "Apollo/Starbuck, comeback."

That ominous feeling turned to stone in the pit of her stomach as the only sound to be heard was the hum of her engines and the rain striking her canopy. She flipped her viper over and scanned the clouds for Lee, "Lee? The time for frakking with me is long since over." Her eyes strained with desperation as she tried to will his ship to appear, "Apollo/Starbuck, squawk ID."

"Apollo/Starbuck, sound off."

"Lee… Lee… GODS DAMNIT ANSWER ME!" When she heard nothing from him she began a prayer in her head as she spun her viper around and headed in the direction she'd last seen him. "Galactica/Starbuck, I've lost Apollo, request vector."

Kara felt the desperation settling upon her, she knew precisely what happened to Lee. The collision either fried his controls or knocked him out. Either way, he was dropping like a stone. He'd hit the hard deck in just over two minutes and that would be it, he'd die. "Apollo/Starbuck, squawk ID." She sounded frantic even to herself but she didn't care.

"Apollo/Starbuck, come back…"

"Lee? It's Kara, can you hear me?"

&&&&&&&&&

He could hear an alarm in the distance, fainter and fainter until he could easily ignore it. His eyes opened and found a cloudy sky above. He thought for a moment that he'd come to but quickly realized that he wasn't in the cockpit anymore. He was floating just downriver of the rapids on the Qualai River near Grandpa Joe's cabin.

He'd done this a thousand times growing up, just floating, the world far away from his dulled senses and his problems left behind. As a boy, it was the only time he could forget what it was like to not see his father whenever he could and years later drifting in the water was the only thing that dulled the pain of losing Zak.

The gentle pressure of the water amplified his pulse in his ears and Lee was struck by a sense of familiarity. "I've been here before."

The scene shifted instantly and smoothly to the Ready Room on Pegasus, the room was empty save one seat. Sharon sat front row, center seat with a pleased expression. "You have."

He came around the podium and sat down next to the raptor pilot, "When I let the air out of my flight suit?" Sharon nodded and Lee continued to think through what was so important about those minutes he sat floating in his ejection seat slowly suffocating.

Finally it came to him, "Is it because I'm dying?"

Sharon shook her head, "No, I've nearly died other times but didn't come here." He continued to think it over and he realized what the difference between his other near death experiences and that one was and why it felt the same this time. "It's because I've accepted that I'm dying and I'm at peace with it."

Sharon nodded and smiled, "You were never closer to death than you were at that moment; close enough to hear us, close enough to feel us. It's been difficult to reach you, Lee."

He raised an eyebrow, "Are you trying to tell me I'm a Cylon?"

She laughed lightly, "No, you're not a Cylon and you've never even entertained the notion of being one. The reason we've had such a hard time reaching you is because unlike so many other people, you've never allowed yourself to be fooled by your senses. Most people slip away into daydreams, fantasies, memories, those are the times when we can speak to them. You've always been so grounded that it's only been moments like this when we could reach you."

She adjusted in her seat and crossed her legs casually to face him, "We've had to do a lot of work to have this moment with you. Prodding people with subtle suggestions; a push, a callous remark, an unexpected insight, a moment of comradery, each subtle move designed to bring you here."

He sank into the seat and thought over what Sharon was saying, "What are you talking about? Is this some cryptic destiny like with the President?" He chuckled and continued, "I don't believe in any of that."

Sharon nodded, "Neither did Pythia before he was shown the final Exodus of humanity and the reuniting of the Tribes."

He smirked, "So, I'm important enough to be compared to Pythia? I'm just a pilot."

This time Sharon laughed incredulously, "You honestly expect to believe that you've been thrust into the center of some of the most pivotal moments of this journey and yet you walk untouched by destiny?"

"Well, when you put it that way…"

The silence stretched out between them as Lee began to accept that he had a destiny and it was upon him. Finally he spoke, "What is my destiny?"

Sharon looked at him with a wry smile, "You're being awfully accepting, some might fight this or try to play it off as a hallucination brought on by head trauma and oxygen deprivation."

Lee shook his head, "If I was hallucinating, I'd imagine I'd be talking to Zak or Kara or my mother, not my friend's wife, a wife that's a Cylon, no less. Besides, you're out of character for Sharon. The Sharon I've come to know is always just a little wary of me because of our history."

She shrugged, "I never said I was Sharon."

He nodded thoughtfully then asked, "Then may I ask who you are?"

She smiled warmly and said, "We'll get to that later. First let's discuss you, growing up you never felt right, you moved from planet to planet base to base as your mother tried to keep her marriage from failing. You were a quiet child as a result; watching those around you, taking it all in. When Zak was born he gave birth to a protective streak, something we needed to nurture in you.

"When your parents divorced and your mother turned abusive, you took her anger and frustration upon yourself to shelter Zak. People often wondered how two brothers only three years apart could be so different. How Zak could be so happy and outgoing yet you stood on the edges of the crowd never really a part of anything."

Lee scowled, "It wasn't because Mom… She didn't hit me all that often, she just yelled…" He felt ashamed that even now he couldn't talk about what his mother had done to him. He never could; not with Zak, not Grandpa Joe or teachers or counselors, not with Gianne or Dee, Shevon had known somehow he imagined it had to do with her line of work. He'd always hoped Kara would see some sign of it as he'd recognized the pain of an abusive childhood in her but she'd known Zak first and Zak's stories of his happy childhood made sure she'd never see it.

He'd tried with his dad just a few weeks earlier and he dismissed it readily with just two words, "That's enough." He could even understand the reasons his father couldn't listen, he carried the guilt of their failed marriage on his own shoulders if he learned that he'd left his sons to be abused as well his heart just wouldn't be able to take it.

That didn't take the sting out of it and it certainly didn't make it easy for Lee to even revisit those memories.

Sharon shook her head, "Not all of it, no."

"You were right though, I've never felt like I belonged until that day Dad took us up in a raptor and I felt space beneath me." Things began to click into place, "I didn't belong, did I?" Sharon shook her head and he began to follow the train of thought, "I was always meant to be part of this journey."

"Not quite, you've been meant to lead this journey. You were the one who convinced Roslin to meet up with the Galactica, you helped convince your father to leave the fight and protect the Fleet. You held onto humanity's ideals on the Astral Queen and again weeks later on Colonial One. You defied your father to help Roslin find the next clue to Earth. You identified the Lagoon Nebula."

"But Kara-"

Sharon nodded, "Her destiny has been intimately linked to yours. You two have been the guides for the Fleet, why do you think that you both gave into all your worst instincts when it seemed the Fleet would settle on New Caprica yet you both regained your focus when the Exodus began once more?

"Why is it do you think that despite both of you marrying other people you two couldn't help but drift together? Why on the Algae planet you never felt more linked to her? Why you could freely sacrifice your wife if it meant Kara was returned to you?"

Lee had never thought to interpret things this way before. He never thought of the role he'd played in the fleet's journey before or how the Exodus seemed to tie him to Kara so tightly. He had been willing to sacrifice if it meant Kara survived. Sharon gave voice to his thoughts, "It's not simply because you love her, Lee. That's a part of it, but you two need each other. Kara had to bring you here. Her destiny was to finally deliver you to us so that we can send you and the Fleet on to Earth."

Lee looked to her with wide eyes, "Oh Gods… She'll have to… She won't be able to… If I die today, it'll break her." His eyes narrowed as that protective streak Sharon mentioned reared its head, "How can you do this to her? Hasn't she suffered enough for destiny, she's been coming apart thinking she was losing her mind and now you're telling me her destiny is to lead me to my death?"

Sharon smiled, "Okay, maybe a lot of it is because you love her. Lee, death doesn't have to be horrible, did you ever think that you might be able to teach her this?" He continued to scowl at her but Sharon leaned forward as though imparting a secret. "Perhaps, death is something beautiful and it's your place to teach her this as she's run from it all her life and fears it more than anything. Couldn't that be the case?"

Lee stood up and walked back to the podium, "That's not a lesson Kara should have to be taught over and over again. Her mother made her miserable for years and when Kara finally found something she loved to do and she was good at it still wasn't enough for her. Still when word got to her that Mrs. Thrace died, it tore at her, she lost Zak just months later and then the Colonies were destroyed. Since then we've had that lesson repeated over and over again. Why are you asking this of me?"

Sharon stood up, "Because your whole life has led to this moment, everything you've done, everything you're experienced has been in preparation for this. Beyond that, every life in the Fleet depends on this moment. If you reject what's preordained the Fleet will never find Earth, you'll die one-by-one lost in the darkness. It's your choice."

He closed his eyes in frustration, "I'm still afraid that-"

Sharon picked up on his thoughts, "Your father will take care of her. It seems to be the shared destiny of your family to care for her. She has people who will help her learn to let go of the guilt, all you have to do is let it happen."

The argument was over at that moment, Lee could cause Kara pain or he could condemn her to death. As he accepted his fate he began to notice the alarm returning and a sensation of falling…

&&&&&&&&&

Kara was approaching frantic as she searched for Lee's viper. They were coming up on ninety seconds from the hard deck and she hadn't even seen an exhaust trail, she was on an intercept vector for Lee's descent but still nothing, "Apollo/Starbuck, I've lost you on DRADIS, squawk ID."

Still nothing, all she wanted was a word, a word from him and she'd know he was still alive and conscious and if Lee Adama was alive and conscious they'd get out of this. They'd have a long laugh about this at Joe's and he'd mock her for sounding like a scared little girl. "I say again, I've lost you on DRADIS. Squawk ID and I'll try and get a fix on you."

&&&&&&&&&

CIC was deathly quiet as they waited for Apollo to reply to Starbuck. Bill Adama wouldn't have noticed if they were throwing a party, his entire world was reduced to the DRADIS and the pilot chatter, "For frak's sake, Lee!"

He could hear how frantic Kara was and he wondered if her hands were shaking as bad as his were. "C'mon Lee."

If possible, things became even more strained when Lee's voice came out in a groggy whisper, "Kara?"

Starbuck let loose an almost hysterical laugh, "Oh, thank the Gods! Lee you scared the frak outta me!"

"Kara, I need you to promise me something."

Bill scowled at the display at the strange tone of Lee's voice almost as if…

"Say again?"

"I need you to promise me something, Kara."

Kara's voice suddenly regained the tension it had lost as she too realized how Lee sounded, "Lee, I'll promise you a frakking lap dance on the TAC table in CIC during first watch when we get back. Listen to me right now, pull up now or you're dead."

Gaeta called out, "Ninety seconds to hard deck."

"Kara, I need you to promise me you'll take care of my father and you won't blame yourself."

"Lee, you can't talk like you're dying, we can still get out of this, but you need to pull up now."

He heard Saul from the far side of table, "He's getting too close to the deck."

Helo was next too, "Kara's right behind him, the pressure will crush them both."

Gaeta called out again, "Sixty seconds, Dee divert red flight to their last known position."

Bill tore his eyes from the console to see Dee maintaining her composure by a hair's width; she gave Gaeta a stuttering nod before she ordered Hot Dog and Hex to make for Lee and Kara's position.

Bill looked back to the display and whispered to the screen, "C'mon Lee."

&&&&&&&&&

Kara's eyes lit as she say Lee's plane tumbling through the air, "Visual! Repeat, visual! Lee, I'm coming to get you!"

As she approached she noticed his engines were still lit and she could see into the cockpit, it didn't look like he was even trying to pull up, "Lee, you need to-"

"Kara, you need to promise me! You can't blame yourself for this. This started long before today… This was destiny. I finally understand. I love you Kara and I've never blamed you."

Her instrument panel blurred for just a moment as her vision swam, "Lee, don't do this to me."

In contrast to her desperate plea, Lee's voice was serene, "It's okay Kara… I'll be okay. Just let me go."

"Lee!"

"It's okay."

Flames licked the nose of Lee's plane as he passed beyond the hard deck. The metal of the hull twisted and compressed as the plane was crushed until the fuel ignited and his plane went up in a fire ball.

Her heart seemed to stop as she watched Lee die right before her eyes and she was suddenly screaming, "NO! GOOD GODS NO! Lee!"

Her mind was reeling and she felt a seductive voice whisper in her ear to let go of the stick when the Old Man suddenly started yelling, "Kara! Get the frak outta there!"

His commanding tone struck through her breakdown and she pulled back on the stick, she was so close to the deck that the ship fought her just to roll over. She won the battle and left her one of the best men she'd ever known behind as little more than cinder and ash.

The Admiral's voice crackled across the speakers moments later, "Can you see him? Is there a visual?"

Pain settled around her heart and each breath was labored as she spoke, "Negative, he went down with his plane. No chute… He just… I couldn't get to him…"

She cut the channel and kicked in her after burners intending to get to Galactica before the urge to flip her viper and fly right back into the storm until her plane was crushed and she could see Lee again. She only reactivated her com unit to get landing instructions; she executed her landing and had to start swallowing tears as she was taxied onto the flight deck.

By the time she was on the flight deck and powered down, her vision was blurred with tears and she began to taste bile. She popped her canopy with one hand while unclasping the harness with the other. She yanked her helmet off and jumped out of the cockpit as though it was on fire. She all but stumbled down the ladder and nearly dropped to her knees before staggering away from the sympathetic glances of the knuckle-draggers.

She found the Ready Room and didn't even bother to dog the hatch. She stumbled into the room and dropped to her hands and knees into front of the podium. She began to wretch and spilt the contents of her stomach on the deck. She didn't restrain the sobs as she collapsed onto her side then curled in tight on herself.

When she was yanked off the deck and hauled to her feet violently she came up ready for a fight. Instead she dissolved into tears again at the sight of the anguish on the face of the man whose sons she'd loved… Whose sons she'd killed.

Bill yanked her into her arms and she only cried harder. "Shh Kara… It's alright. I'm here."

She pressed her face into his uniform and sobbed out, "I killed him. I killed him… Ikilledhim…" She began to babble incoherently.

"You didn't" was his only reply and he said for every time she tried to shoulder the blame.

She hoped if he said it enough, she'd believe him one day.