"Niisan, I'm scared."
"I'm scared too Al. I'm scared too."
"What are we going to do now, Niisan?"
"We take it back. We take back everything we lost."
That night, I didn't say anything to what Niisan said. I too wanted everything back. Both of us had the determination to accomplish this, whatever it takes. Wherever this brings us, we will go. However long this will take, we won't care. But now..I'm starting to have doubts.
I'm pretty sure that Niisan would indeed accomplish this goal. He has the talent, the determination, the willpower. His passion is unlike any other's. And as for me, I will always be behind his back, no matter what happens. But I'm afraid that after this ordeal, after we have succeeded, my brother would have lost everything he is.
In every battle he fights, in every new truth he uncovers, in every place we go to, he loses a bit of himself. I can only watch as years of maturity are continually added to his eyes. He does not look his age. He may be short, but his eyes reflect those of a cursed man. I'm scared of those eyes sometimes. I think, will he ever lose that shadow ever?
I'm afraid that the more this continues, the more I'll lose him.
Yet despite that, I still want him to continue.
I want my body back. I want to feel the sun, the air, the rain. I want to feel the soil beneath me, the sand we walk on, the water my Niisan drinks. I want to smell the flowers, and to taste those greasy buns he loves. I want to feel pain again, to feel thirst and hunger. I want to sleep again, to dream. I want to feel the hard floor, the hay, or the soft sheets and pillows Niisan lies upon. It's not often I feel this, this need but still, I do. Does that make me a selfish brother? When I know I will gain when he has fully lost?
Sometimes too, I can't help but feel angry at myself, and at Niisan. If only we did not attempt human transmutation. If only we did not let our emotions overcome us, as we lost our mother. But who could blame us really? We were kids. We loved our mother. And we didn't know better. Or maybe...we just knew too much.
When will this end, I wonder? Would we be allowed happiness? Yes, we must atone for the sin of human transmutation, but have we not atoned enough? Have we not suffered enough? Will we ever be granted the happiness that every human being deserves?
It's our dream, my brother and I. And we will continue to reach for it. We'll just have to keep ourselves intact in the process.
But on thing has been bothering me. An old man once told us, "A dream is not truly a dream if it can be reached." Have we then been dreaming the wrong thing this whole time?
02-28-06