AN: Hello! ^_^. I couldn't help but post and write this story now. It's been sitting in my head for a little while and I started writing it a few months ago. Some chapters will contain song lyrics to go along with what's happening in the moment but I'll make sure not to just fill up all the space w/ lyrics! :). Hope you enjoy reading & you know the deal, lemme know what you think, k? Happy readings!
P.S. I didn't forget about "Breaking Free"! Trust me, I've been dying to post what I have but I don't think you'd enjoy reading incomplete work and I really want to write a few more chapters before I start posting for that story again since the plot will be picking up. Anyways! I'll keep ya posted :)
Summary: Sakura comes across a mixed CD from her ex-boyfriend that she'd never listened to before. With music as her motivation, she sets out on a journey to reclaim the love she's lost and makes one last attempt at the less than ordinary life she's dreamed of.
Disclaimer: Of course I don't own CCS and its characters! I also do not know any of the song titles & lyrics within this story. I DO own this plot and any original characters I decide to put in here.
Chapter 1: Why?
It was a rush.
People were mere blurs as they sped off in every direction, each focused on their own different tasks. There were lights that had to be relocated, wires that had to be moved, people at the wrong stations and then there was me.
Standing in the middle of it all, like a little gazelle surrounded by packs of hyenas that just hadn't taken notice of me yet. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. 'You can do this, Sakura'
Reopening them, nothing had changed. In fact, the whole reality of the situation set in a little more as I heard shouts of "10 minutes to call time!" and "Gather the acts!"
My heart rate increased rapidly and I suddenly felt very sick.
"Oh, who am I kidding! I can't do this." I whirled around in search of the nearest exit. Spotting one across the room, I shifted my guitar strap so that it hung over my shoulder and I walked as nonchalantly as possible as to not alert the hungry hyenas of my departure for fear they would notice and attack.
"Sakura Kinomoto don't you dare think about leaving!"
I stopped in my tracks, afraid to turn around. To me, that voice meant sudden death but to everyone else the melodic tone was nothing far from sweet, innocent and completely harmless. In a few elegant strides she was at my side. She grabbed my hand and turned me to face her, my head hanging in embarrassment and defeat.
Instead of the scolding that I was mentally preparing myself for, her arms wrapped around me in a comforting embrace.
"I know you're nervous but you can't run away now. You've worked so hard."
Her voice was soothing and was what I needed to relax my racing heart. "Plus, this is your last chance to do something exciting before you go off into the "real world" and I pulled a loooot of strings to get you here after the deadline so you're not allowed to bail on me." she gave me one last squeeze and held me at arm's length. We both laughed and I took a deep breath.
"Thanks, Tomoyo. I really don't know where I would be without you."
"Oh, I don't know. Living a very boring life with no sense of style?" she said teasingly.
"Very true" I agreed.
Tomoyo Daidouji. Not only is she my best friend but I also get the pleasure of having her as a cousin. Beyond beautiful, intelligent, witty and the biggest fashionista I know, she's been by my side through every minute and monumental moment in my life and even though we're both heading off on different paths after graduation, I know that things will remain the same between us.
"5 minutes, everyone! Let's get the acts gathered, stage left!" my worried gaze found Tomoyo's and she smiled reassuringly, "Oh Sakura, you're going to be just fine!"
I nodded with a wavering sense of relief as we began walking towards where all of the other performance acts were gathering,
"You should be telling that to the poor soul who has to go first!"
Tomoyo laughed nervously, "I am."
"That's really funny, Tomoyo, are you trying to say that I'm up first?" I looked back at her as we neared the left entrance to the stage. She smiled apologetically, my eyes widening at the realization of what was going to happen in the next few minutes.
"You've got to be kidding me! I can't be the first one up!" I pleaded.
"Kinomoto, Sakura! Is Kinomito, Sakura here?"
I turned to see a woman a few feet away from me holding a clipboard. Her eyes scanned over the huddle of performers.
"She's right here!" Tomoyo announced, waving her hand and pointing at me. The woman turned to me and nodded before writing something down on her clip board. "You're up in 2, dear." she smiled at me and continued her task of placing the other performers in order.
"Tomoyo, please, please, please don't make me go first!" I was prepared to beg on my knees. "I'll do anything!" her somber look did nothing to comfort me.
"I'm sorry, Sakura. I can't do anything about it." she said disappointingly.
It was the longest minute of my life as I hurried over to one of the portable vanities, tucking random strands of my auburn hair behind my ear.
"Kinomoto, you're on in one minute!" the woman from before shouted.
It was now or never. I quickly checked the tuning on my guitar before turning back to Tomoyo. "Alright, I can do this" I whispered with an affirmative nod. Tomoyo mimicked my gesture and gave me one last hug before I turned and headed for the stage area.
"Do your best, Sakura! Stay focused and remember to smile!" she shouted after me. I smiled backwards at her one last time before walking through the curtains onto the stage.
The lights were beyond blinding as I stood in front of the panel of 3 judges. I'd never been on a stage this size before. I felt so small.
"Kinomoto, Sakura correct?"One of the judges spoke.
"Yes" I stood up straight and tried to sound as confident as possible. My nerves were through the roof and my hands shook. If the judges noticed this they didn't let on. The three nodded before another judge spoke, "So what will competing in this competition mean to you?"
Something caught my eye and I glanced quickly to see Tomoyo grinning at me with two thumbs up. I couldn't help but stifle a giggle.
"Well, other than making my best friend the happiest person in the world," I nodded my head towards the backstage area which earned a small chuckle from the judges, "I really love to sing. It's as simple as that. I'm 21 and I am graduating soon. So between going off to graduate school, accepting a full time job, or taking one last shot at my dream of singing. I chose to take my chances with the latter. It doesn't hurt to try, right?" I smiled sheepishly.
"Not at all. So what are you singing for us today?
"It's an original song I managed to put together recently that I titled 'Why'"
"Very nice," the third judge spoke, "Any inspiration for this song?"
There was an instant ping of sadness in my heart. Did they always ask this many questions? Regardless of whether or not I wanted to answer their questions I took a deep breath before picking up my guitar, strumming the first few chords. "The song speaks for itself." I smiled sadly. I saw the judges nod approvingly before I closed my eyes, losing myself in the melody that brought me back to a place and time that I was trying so desperately to leave behind.
"I'm sorry I'm calling you so late. The audition lasted longer than I expected."
I could hear the bustling sound of the city, even at this time of night.
It'd been so long since we'd spoken, it was almost bittersweet to hear his voice sound so cheerful.
"Sakura? Are you there?"
His voice brought me back from my thoughts-like it always had. "Yeah, I'm here."
"Did you get the CDs I mailed you?" I wished I was able to mimic the brightness in his voice.
"Mhm"
"Is everything ok?"
That simple question was somehow so very difficult to answer right now. He'd asked it plenty of times before and I always replied with the same thing. Part of me told me it was ok to reciprocate that answer again but the more logical side of my brain knew that lying like I have been over the last month would only lead to a more dangerous pattern that held devastating results. Logic told me that the constant strain on my heart was not worth the supposed relationship that I was currently in. It was a constant tug-of-war and frankly, I'd grown tired of putting up a fight.
"No...everything's not ok" the confidence in my voice surprised me. But I know it wouldn't be long before I would cave.
"Sakura, what's wrong? Talk to me"
"Everything, Syaoran! I-I don't deserve this." my voice cracked as my emotions spilled over, the sudden confidence waning but I continued, "Syaoran, I wanted a relationship with you...not whatever this is!" I said sternly into the receiver. I waited for his reply.
That night was all I could think of as I began to sing:
[Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldn't you just see it through me?]
"What do you mean whatever this is? Sakura, I love you."
"If you loved me, you'd be here and not off chasing some stupid-"
"it's not stupid" He shouted, "Sakura…this is my dream."
"And THIS is my heart. I trusted you to take care of it" I nearly yelled into the receiver.
"How come you never told me you felt this way until now?" his temper had risen but I could tell he was trying his best to remain calm.
"Like I ever got the chance to talk to you about it? Syaoran, we haven't spoken in almost 3 weeks. Don't tell me you didn't see this coming,"
I could hear nothing more than the sound of his breathing. Things were escalating at too rapid a pace for me to go back on my words. If he could magically appear somehow, I would take back every word I said just for a hug.
[How come? You act like this-
Like you just don't care at all
Do you expect me to believe—
I was the only one to fall]
His face was now clearly visible as I continued to sing the words. It's ironic that I was up here in the first place. We'd broken up because he'd decided to chase his dream of becoming a musician and here I am, out for the same chance at stardom.
[I can feel, I can feel you near me
Even though you're far away
I can feel I can feel you baby, why?]
I ended the call, shaking from the sobs that wracked my body as our final spoken words rang clearly and loudly in my head.
"Sakura I-I'm sorry" his words surprised me. In all of the years that I'd known him, he'd never been one to apologize so quickly.
"It's ok, Syaoran. I jus-"
"I'm sorry I can't be there for you. You really do deserve better."
I didn't know what to say. I only wanted to tell him how I was feeling but—something in my plan had gone terribly wrong.
"Syaoran, what are you trying to say?"
[It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why?]
I could hear him take a deep breath before continuing "I'm trying to say that having a relationship and doing this music thing…It's just too much to handle right now. My breath hitched in my throat.
[So go on & think about
Whatever you need to think about
Go on and dream about whatever you need to dream about
& come back to me when you know just how you feel—you feel]
"I understand, Syaoran." I couldn't believe what I was saying and I'm sure he couldn't either. But I didn't need him to say anymore. It wasn't fair to the both of us, trying to continue on this way. Who knows when we would speak to each other again? This time it'd only been 3 weeks. Last time it was nearly a month.
"I've gotta get going," he said through the silence.
I nodded as if he could see me but I couldn't bring myself to utter another word. I'd said enough.
"Take care, Sakura" he paused and took a breath as if he would say something else but no other word ever came. No other words were ever spoken between us after that night.
[It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you—more and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why?]
I brought myself back to my present state as I finished the song and awaited the judges' responses. Placing the guitar at my side, I let out the breath I'd been holding. Barely visible, a few tears dangled from the rim of my eyes. 'It's not crying if the tears don't fall' I told myself, taking a deep breath to calm my emotions. I'd made a promise to not cry so much anymore over things that I had no control over, which is why I'd taken up music again. I needed a new release for my emotions. Nostalgia always haunted me at the end of any year. It is always easier to find comfort in what used to be than in the indefinite future that lay ahead.
"That was beautiful" the first female judge said. The second female judge agreed with a nod, "There was so much emotion in that song," she added. We turned our attention to the third and final judge, "It was quite good but you could use a little more practice". I simply nodded in agreement, I was in no position to argue whether or not I needed practice or not. I was just grateful to even be there.
"Thank you for this opportunity" I smiled and gave a curt nod.
"It was a pleasure. You'll be contacted by a producer by the end of the month with whether or not you will be included in this season of the show. Thank you for auditioning and good luck!"
I gave a wave of my hand before skipping off the stage towards a beaming Tomoyo.
Once I was behind the safety of the curtain, we gripped each other's shoulders and simultaneously jumped up and down, letting out squeals of excitement.
"You were so great out there!" she complimented, "I can't believe you actually went through with this!"
"I know! I can't either!"
Our excitement garnered stares from everyone present in the room and we decided to take our celebration elsewhere.
The cool breeze was refreshing as we made our way to no particular destination. It was a routine for us to just sort of walk around the town. We lived here our entire lives so it wasn't like we would get lost. Our celebration for my successful audition consisted of hot chocolate topped with double whipped cream and some casual conversation. I honestly couldn't ask for anything more.
"So you changed up the song you were going to sing last minute, huh?"
I nodded and blew on the steaming liquid. "Yeah, I thought this one would bring out a little more…emotion, I guess. But I'm doing alright now" We continued on for a moment in silence, coming to a stop in front of an old park.
"I haven't been here in so long!" I set my cocoa down on a bench and immediately sat on one of the swings. Tomoyo giggled at my childish behavior but followed suit, taking the swing to the left of mine. I kicked off the ground and began to rock the swing back and forth.
"I don't think I could ever get tired of this" I laughed as I began to sway higher. Tomoyo, keeping her motion at a minimum, took the opportunity to record me from her cell phone. She'd always loved to document the events of our lives, no matter how minute things seemed.
"Hey Sakura,"
"Yeah?" I shouted from above her just before my swing came cascading back down.
"Have you heard anything at all from him?" she closed her phone and placed it back in her pocket.
Her eyes followed me as I continued to swing. "I don't know why you keep asking me that. The answer is still the same" I replied.
"Oh, ok"
"It's done between us. He's got his dream to follow and I—well, I've got lots of opportunities ahead of me."
"But isn't it ironic that you decided to—"
"Yeah, yeah. I know. It's funny, isn't it?" I laughed timidly. I used my feet as breaks and brought my swing back to its starting position.
"I know you think we were meant to be together, Tomoyo but sometimes things just don't work out and we take what we have and make the most of it." I stood and dusted myself off, retrieving my drink.
"If you say so, Sakura" Tomoyo sighed reluctantly. The hopeless romantic in her would never understand that sometimes things don't always go as planned and it's best to just leave things the way they ended. "Let's head home!"
Tomoyo nodded in agreement and we walked in a comfortable silence through the night.
It had been a while since we openly spoke of him. Of course, two months isn't enough to get over a broken relationship but I'd like to think I was doing just fine. Keeping myself preoccupied with school and work and with the ability to write out my emotions, I rarely cried about it anymore. There was really no use looking back or constantly filling my mind with "what-if's" and "maybe's". After a while it all ends up feeling the same: falling in love, getting over a break up and moving on. When you first fall in love, you're overcome with the excitement about this person, of starting a new chapter in your life but at the same time you're anxious about taking that next big step. It's the same with moving on, right? You're initially anxious about leaving behind all that you used to know and moving forward but at the same time, there is still a hint of excitement of what the future may hold. So, that leaves me here. Caught in the limbo of being anxious and excited but a little too optimistic to worry about it.
"Thank you for coming with me again, Tomoyo. I couldn't have done any of this without you" I yawned as we made our way up the stairs of our townhouse.
She paused in the doorframe of her room and gave a tired smile, "I'm really glad I was able to get the time off. I probably would have called out anyways though. I wouldn't have missed this for the world"
I opened the door to my bedroom with a light laughter. "Of course. Good night, Tomoyo"
" 'Night, Sakura. See ya in the morning"
A month from now and my whole life could change. The thought alone gave me butterflies. 'I wonder if this is how he felt about chasing his dream'. A sad smile tugged at my lips and I sighed heavily, climbing into my bed after changing into my sleeping clothes. Reaching into my nightstand drawer, I retrieved a small photograph. With the light of the moon shining in between my blinds I was able to make out a happy couple. The picture was taken a little over a year ago now. It was of us on the day we decided to become,well, an "us". I'd placed it in the drawer the night we broke it off and whenever my mind double-crossed me and he managed to sneak into my thoughts, I'd pull it out. It didn't make sense to torture myself by withholding it from my worrying heart. I did worry. I don't think there's been a night where I didn't wish for his safety and happiness. 'It's the best way to use my 11:11 wishes' I laughed inwardly. As the neon green numbers on my clock changed to 11:12, and with that as my last thought, I let my eyes close from the weight of the day as I slowly drifted into a peaceful state of unconsciousness.
AN: Hope you enjoyed reading! The song, btw, is "Why" by Avril Lavigne. & just a reminder, I won't be posting songs in every chapter. Just a few! (in case it got a little confusing to read _). Well anyways, let me know your thoughts, concerns, suggestions! Chapter 2 is in the finishing stages and 3 is in the works as well so I'll be updating soon enough! 'Til then~
Always,
S.K.