Two Conversations
Part One: Rabb vs. MacKenzie
by Celli Lane
Feedback: Positive or negative both welcome. celli@fanfic101.com
Pairing: Harm/Mac
Category: Story, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Series: The third story in my Valentine's Day series, following "Blood Drive" and "Romeo Time."
Spoiler: Direct references to "We the People," "Death Watch," "Boomerang," and "Lifeline," but anything that's aired in the US is fair game. Takes place shortly after "Head to Toe."
Summary: The Morning After, Harm and Mac style.
Archiving: On my site, http://www.fanfic101.com/. Otherwise, just let me know where so I can come visit it.
Disclaimer: If JAG belonged to me, Harm would take the Metro more often. I'm all for the environment (and getting squished up next to cute guys in subway cars). Instead, all these guys belong to DPB, Paramount, and CBS.
Author's notes at the end of part 2.
***
15 FEB 2002
1104 ZULU
NORTH OF UNION STATION
WASHINGTON, DC
A funny tickling sensation brought Harm slowly awake. After a moment of complete disorientation, he realized that his nose was buried in Sarah MacKenzie's hair, and he fought off both a smug grin and a sneeze.
His breathing must have changed, because Mac stirred slightly. "About time, sailor. I've been lying here for thirty-three minutes waiting for you to wake up."
"What time is it?"
One of her hands slid up his chest and toyed with his collarbone. "0604," she said. "I overslept."
"By a minute?"
She sounded fairly smug herself. "These things happen."
"So, as long as we're both up..." He tried to sound innocuous. "Wanna work out?"
She looked up at him. "I think after yesterday you should take it easy."
"Huh?" He'd never had to take it easy after sex before. Then he remembered. "Oh. The blood...thing."
"More like the fainting thing."
He flushed. "Right."
"We could do something else," she suggested.
He tilted his head to kiss her. Admittedly, they could both use some mouthwash, but it was still achingly sweet. "Here's a thought."
"Yeah?" She lifted an eyebrow.
Harm's chest went tight. "I think I should make us breakfast--" He choked out half a laugh at the look on her face--"and then I think we should have that talk."
It was physically painful to watch her face grow shuttered and wary again. "All right. Let me get my bag from the car."
***
Harm made a slightly longer production of the omelets than he needed to, but he suspected that Mac's shower was taking slightly longer than usual as well. *Stop expecting disaster!* he warned himself sharply as he banged utensils around the kitchen. *It's trying to think three steps ahead that gets you in trouble every time you try to talk to her. Just relax--and for God's sake, don't try to be cute.* Not much of a pep talk, but it would have to do.
When Mac sat down at the counter in uniform, his heart sank another notch. She was back in full armor. And he felt woefully unprepared in boxers and a T-shirt, hair on end, still smelling of sex. But if he called a recess to take a shower, he might drown himself before he got up the nerve to talk.
"So," he said once she was poking suspiciously at her omelet. "Where do we start?"
"At the beginning, I guess." She squared her shoulders.
He gave an extended shrug. "Which one?"
"How about the one where you looked at me and saw a dead lover?" Even she looked surprised at the bitterness in her voice.
Harm looked down. "Have I ever apologized for that?"
"It's not your fault, Harm."
"What you look like--what Diane looked like--no. But I could have reacted better. I could have explained myself--"
She waved him off. "I don't hold it against you. I just--I don't think you understand. Those first few years, sometimes I felt like I was wearing someone else's face."
"Mac. Sarah." Harm waited until she met his eyes, then looked at the picture next to his door. "I do understand. Which is why I feel particularly guilty. I know what it's like when someone flinches every time they see your face." He reached out and ran a finger down the olive lapel of her jacket. "I should have made it clear I always knew which one of you was in front of me. Even when you were the one in a white uniform. Even when I wanted to pretend otherwise."
Her eyes were bright, but some of the stiffness was gone from her posture. "Your omelet's getting cold," she said thickly, but they were both smiling when they bent their heads to their plates.
***
After a nearly comfortable silence, Harm took a deep breath and said, "Australia."
Her head snapped up. "Oh, God. Do we have to?"
"Sarah, we've made a hundred mistakes, you and me. I'll spend the rest of my life talking them through, if you want. But I don't think either of us has gotten past that night. And unless we do..." He thought of the sharp pain every time he saw another man's ring on Mac's hand; of struggling to love Renee; of the kiss on the Admiral's porch that had robbed him of any sense of honor. "We have to put it behind us one way or the other."
After a long pause, Sarah looked up at him. "I need to ask you something."
"Okay."
"If our positions had been reversed that night, if I had been the one saying 'not yet,' what would your reaction have been?"
He laughed shortly. "I hope I would have dealt with it as well as you did. I always thought I was lucky you didn't just rip my throat out on the spot."
"I did entertain a few fantasies..." She stopped smirking. "Would you have turned to someone else as--that quickly?"
He struggled for honesty. "I don't know. If I were hurt badly enough."
"But you can't forgive me for doing the same."
"I can't forgive myself for driving you to it."
"I suppose that's the heart of this, Harm. Why *did* you do it? Why 'not yet'?"
"Would you believe 'because I'm the world's stupidest man'?" he asked hopefully. He could see her retreat again. "I'm sorry, Sarah. Please--wait--"
He walked around the island on leaden feet and sank onto the stool beside her. It took physical effort to look her in the eye, but he was not going to be a coward again.
"I have gone over that conversation time after time after time. There was one logical reason for me to say no to you--our positions at JAG--and you were right, it was just a weak excuse. I should have said yes. Hell, you shouldn't have had to ask at all. I wanted-- I *do* want--" He choked down the waves of emotion rising in his throat, certain that if he didn't say exactly the right thing exactly right now, she'd turn away. And he was never going to get another chance.
She didn't turn away, though. For the first time since she'd left his bed that morning, she reached out to him, lacing her fingers with his. "What do you want, Harm?"
"Everything," he said simply. "I--I want to put you *before* everything, Sarah. I wasn't lying last night, when I told you I'd give up flying for you. I've never cared--I--" He stopped and took one deep shuddering breath. "I've never cared this much about any woman."
Sarah shook her head, but he held up a hand. "Wait. I know what you're going to say. I loved Diane, I know, but we both decided to put our careers first. With you--I looked at you on the ferry that night and I thought, screw my career!" A startled laugh escaped him. "I don't know who I *am* without my job, Sarah. It terrified me. It still does."
"Then why..." She trailed off.
He reached up and barely brushed her face with his free hand. "Losing you terrifies me more."
She turned her face into his hand. "You know, for the world's stupidest man--and I'm not denying it--you say some pretty smart things."
He could feel a hot burning along the backs of his eyes. "Sarah?"
"I love you too, Harm." And then her lips were on his.
He pulled her close and laughed in sheer relief. "I do love you, Mac. I do!"
"Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?" She hugged him back tightly.
He laughed again. "Yes!"
***
Next up: Harm's second scary conversation of the day. *evil laugh*
Part One: Rabb vs. MacKenzie
by Celli Lane
Feedback: Positive or negative both welcome. celli@fanfic101.com
Pairing: Harm/Mac
Category: Story, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Series: The third story in my Valentine's Day series, following "Blood Drive" and "Romeo Time."
Spoiler: Direct references to "We the People," "Death Watch," "Boomerang," and "Lifeline," but anything that's aired in the US is fair game. Takes place shortly after "Head to Toe."
Summary: The Morning After, Harm and Mac style.
Archiving: On my site, http://www.fanfic101.com/. Otherwise, just let me know where so I can come visit it.
Disclaimer: If JAG belonged to me, Harm would take the Metro more often. I'm all for the environment (and getting squished up next to cute guys in subway cars). Instead, all these guys belong to DPB, Paramount, and CBS.
Author's notes at the end of part 2.
***
15 FEB 2002
1104 ZULU
NORTH OF UNION STATION
WASHINGTON, DC
A funny tickling sensation brought Harm slowly awake. After a moment of complete disorientation, he realized that his nose was buried in Sarah MacKenzie's hair, and he fought off both a smug grin and a sneeze.
His breathing must have changed, because Mac stirred slightly. "About time, sailor. I've been lying here for thirty-three minutes waiting for you to wake up."
"What time is it?"
One of her hands slid up his chest and toyed with his collarbone. "0604," she said. "I overslept."
"By a minute?"
She sounded fairly smug herself. "These things happen."
"So, as long as we're both up..." He tried to sound innocuous. "Wanna work out?"
She looked up at him. "I think after yesterday you should take it easy."
"Huh?" He'd never had to take it easy after sex before. Then he remembered. "Oh. The blood...thing."
"More like the fainting thing."
He flushed. "Right."
"We could do something else," she suggested.
He tilted his head to kiss her. Admittedly, they could both use some mouthwash, but it was still achingly sweet. "Here's a thought."
"Yeah?" She lifted an eyebrow.
Harm's chest went tight. "I think I should make us breakfast--" He choked out half a laugh at the look on her face--"and then I think we should have that talk."
It was physically painful to watch her face grow shuttered and wary again. "All right. Let me get my bag from the car."
***
Harm made a slightly longer production of the omelets than he needed to, but he suspected that Mac's shower was taking slightly longer than usual as well. *Stop expecting disaster!* he warned himself sharply as he banged utensils around the kitchen. *It's trying to think three steps ahead that gets you in trouble every time you try to talk to her. Just relax--and for God's sake, don't try to be cute.* Not much of a pep talk, but it would have to do.
When Mac sat down at the counter in uniform, his heart sank another notch. She was back in full armor. And he felt woefully unprepared in boxers and a T-shirt, hair on end, still smelling of sex. But if he called a recess to take a shower, he might drown himself before he got up the nerve to talk.
"So," he said once she was poking suspiciously at her omelet. "Where do we start?"
"At the beginning, I guess." She squared her shoulders.
He gave an extended shrug. "Which one?"
"How about the one where you looked at me and saw a dead lover?" Even she looked surprised at the bitterness in her voice.
Harm looked down. "Have I ever apologized for that?"
"It's not your fault, Harm."
"What you look like--what Diane looked like--no. But I could have reacted better. I could have explained myself--"
She waved him off. "I don't hold it against you. I just--I don't think you understand. Those first few years, sometimes I felt like I was wearing someone else's face."
"Mac. Sarah." Harm waited until she met his eyes, then looked at the picture next to his door. "I do understand. Which is why I feel particularly guilty. I know what it's like when someone flinches every time they see your face." He reached out and ran a finger down the olive lapel of her jacket. "I should have made it clear I always knew which one of you was in front of me. Even when you were the one in a white uniform. Even when I wanted to pretend otherwise."
Her eyes were bright, but some of the stiffness was gone from her posture. "Your omelet's getting cold," she said thickly, but they were both smiling when they bent their heads to their plates.
***
After a nearly comfortable silence, Harm took a deep breath and said, "Australia."
Her head snapped up. "Oh, God. Do we have to?"
"Sarah, we've made a hundred mistakes, you and me. I'll spend the rest of my life talking them through, if you want. But I don't think either of us has gotten past that night. And unless we do..." He thought of the sharp pain every time he saw another man's ring on Mac's hand; of struggling to love Renee; of the kiss on the Admiral's porch that had robbed him of any sense of honor. "We have to put it behind us one way or the other."
After a long pause, Sarah looked up at him. "I need to ask you something."
"Okay."
"If our positions had been reversed that night, if I had been the one saying 'not yet,' what would your reaction have been?"
He laughed shortly. "I hope I would have dealt with it as well as you did. I always thought I was lucky you didn't just rip my throat out on the spot."
"I did entertain a few fantasies..." She stopped smirking. "Would you have turned to someone else as--that quickly?"
He struggled for honesty. "I don't know. If I were hurt badly enough."
"But you can't forgive me for doing the same."
"I can't forgive myself for driving you to it."
"I suppose that's the heart of this, Harm. Why *did* you do it? Why 'not yet'?"
"Would you believe 'because I'm the world's stupidest man'?" he asked hopefully. He could see her retreat again. "I'm sorry, Sarah. Please--wait--"
He walked around the island on leaden feet and sank onto the stool beside her. It took physical effort to look her in the eye, but he was not going to be a coward again.
"I have gone over that conversation time after time after time. There was one logical reason for me to say no to you--our positions at JAG--and you were right, it was just a weak excuse. I should have said yes. Hell, you shouldn't have had to ask at all. I wanted-- I *do* want--" He choked down the waves of emotion rising in his throat, certain that if he didn't say exactly the right thing exactly right now, she'd turn away. And he was never going to get another chance.
She didn't turn away, though. For the first time since she'd left his bed that morning, she reached out to him, lacing her fingers with his. "What do you want, Harm?"
"Everything," he said simply. "I--I want to put you *before* everything, Sarah. I wasn't lying last night, when I told you I'd give up flying for you. I've never cared--I--" He stopped and took one deep shuddering breath. "I've never cared this much about any woman."
Sarah shook her head, but he held up a hand. "Wait. I know what you're going to say. I loved Diane, I know, but we both decided to put our careers first. With you--I looked at you on the ferry that night and I thought, screw my career!" A startled laugh escaped him. "I don't know who I *am* without my job, Sarah. It terrified me. It still does."
"Then why..." She trailed off.
He reached up and barely brushed her face with his free hand. "Losing you terrifies me more."
She turned her face into his hand. "You know, for the world's stupidest man--and I'm not denying it--you say some pretty smart things."
He could feel a hot burning along the backs of his eyes. "Sarah?"
"I love you too, Harm." And then her lips were on his.
He pulled her close and laughed in sheer relief. "I do love you, Mac. I do!"
"Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?" She hugged him back tightly.
He laughed again. "Yes!"
***
Next up: Harm's second scary conversation of the day. *evil laugh*