Magnus Bane was awoken by the rustling of the carpet lying on his bedroom floor. Without opening his cat eyes he groaned threateningly.
"Who dares to disturb my beauty sleep?"
He heard footsteps, slowly moving towards the door. Sleepily, Magnus reached out his arm to the other side of the bed. It was empty. A smile crossed the warlock's handsome face.
"Of course …"
Magnus opened his eyes to see who was standing at the door. It was Alec.
Fully clothed, he stopped dead in his tracks, staring at Magnus like a deer in front of the headlights.
"Sorry", Alec finally managed to say.
"I thought you were asleep."
"As always when you sneak out of my apartment before sunrise?", Magnus asked, unable to keep the disappointment out of his voice.
"So that your family won't find out what you have been doing the whole night? Or with whom?"
Even in the dim light of the rising sun Magnus could see Alec flinch at his words.
"Magnus, I –"
"How long do you want to go on like this?"
By now Magnus had got out of bed and pulled on his silken kimono. He moved closer towards Alec, who was visibly struggling, trying to find the right words.
"I can't …", he whispered, the blue eyes that had fascinated Magnus ever since he had seen Alec for the first time at this stupid party were glistening like dew.
"I just can't –"
"What Alec?!", Magnus called out in exasperation.
"You can't what?! You can not live with me, with your own key for my apartment and at the same time deny what we have in front of your friends and your family?!"
Magnus was now standing right in front of Alec, who looked as if he was about to panic. He felt him shivering, when he shortly touched his cheek.
"You are scared, even now", Magnus said softly, lowering his hand.
Alec shook his head.
"It is complicated, I've told you that already", he replied, trying to stay calm.
"I've never lied to you, Magnus. You know that this is difficult for me."
He paused for a second.
"Not just because of my family."
Magnus nodded slowly.
"Is it because of Jace?", he asked simply.
Alec's head jerked up at the mentioning of his friend.
"How did you find out?", he wanted to know, his voice barely more than a whisper.
Magnus laughed bitterly.
"Sweetie, I am not stupid", he reminded his guilty-looking lover.
"Nor blind."
Alec grabbed his hand.
"Magnus, listen, I –"
"Don't worry", the warlock interrupted him.
"I am not planning on making a scene now here in front of you. Way too much drama."
His eyes met Alec's.
"Just answer me one thing: Is Jace really the reason or is he just your excuse?"
Alec laughed shakily.
"What should I use Jace as an esxcuse for?", he asked nervously.
"Do you really want me to answer that question?"
Magnus sighed in resignation.
"You are running away from yourself, Alec."
Now, for the first time since they had started arguing, Alec looked straight into Magnus' face.
"What do you expect me to do?", he demanded to know.
"To tell my family that I am gay? That I am dating a warlock? To just ignore all the consequences this might have for me or the people I love?"
He paused angrily.
"Everytime I am here with you, that we are together, every moment feels so light and natural. As if time or space would have stopped to exist", he went on.
"But it doesn't work like that, Magnus."
"No", the warlock heatedly replied.
"You are right, it doesn't. You have to make a decision, Alec."
Suddenly, Alec's anger seemed to have vanished into thin air.
"Don't make me choose", he said softly.
Carefully, Magnus went closer to Alec. Gently he cupped his face in his hands.
"I know what I want", he replied calmly.
"Because it is right in front of me. I am holding it in my arms right now. Do you know what you want?"
They were now so close, that their noses almost touched. Alec turned his head.
Magnus instantly let him go.
"You should really try to find out what you want first before we see each other again", he said bitterly.
Something strange flickered in Alec's eyes.
When he spoke, Magnus thought to hear his voice shaking.
"Are you … breaking up with me?", Alec asked, sounding slightly shocked.
Magnus smiled sadly.
"Honey, to break up with someone, you have to be together first. Which, as you reminded me so often in front of your friends, we aren't.
Magnus was tired of trying to get Alec to see that he couldn't change who he was. That he should stop, thinking about what other people might think and do what he thought was right. Trying to make Alec see, that Magnus didn't want him to go. That he loved him …
The frustrating thing was, Magnus knew that Alec liked him too. Despite Jace, despite his parents, who had no idea where their son went to every night.
He could feel it in the way, Alec looked at him, searching for the right thing to say, torn between his head and his heart and half scared to death.
If he would just say something! If he would show Magnus that he did care, no matter what he let his family belief.
But right now, he couldn't.
"I am sorry", Alec whispered.
Magnus nodded.
"Me too."
There was nothing left to say.
Magnus turned away from Alec, who was still standing at the door.
"You should go now", he said, without looking at him.
Only after a minute did the footsteps disappear out of the room.