Disclaimer: Don't own Psych.
I have been waiting in vain for an episode when Jules actually comments on Shawn's verbal bullying of Lassie. Of course, the star roams free from punishment. I like to think of this as karmic for high school. The title is inspired by constant references to Shawn describing Lassiter as a robot in both the show and fan fiction. This fic is set after Lassie Jerky, No Country for Old Men and before the temporary breakup of Jules and Shawn. Marlowe doesn't exist.
Even Robots Need Oil
After a long day at work, the last person Head Detective Carlton Lassiter desired to run into was one fake psychic. He had just survived a shootout behind the local bar stemming from a row between a husband and a wife. Apparently according to the witnesses, the husband was seen with "a couple of hussies" a direct quote from the female bartender. The wife appeared with a shotgun and decided to take the "till death do us part" literally. Lassiter went alone to the scene because O'Hara was occupied indulging her childish boyfriend on his latest whim. He managed to duck behind some discarded beer crates and take out the shotgun, wielding wife with a well-placed bullet in the shoulder. He slapped the cuffs on and mechanically drove to the station missing his blonde partner's chatter to break the boredom of the same old drive.
"Was he really a robot like Spencer joked?" he pondered.
Perhaps he was. He drank the same loaded coffee every day. The cream and sugar added by the exact servings assembly line like. He wore the same type of outfit with the same type of suit. He greeted every officer, maintenance worker, busybodies (Spencer and his tagalong) with the same, cynical greeting. Coffee had to be his fuel. Premium fuel just like the Fusion took. Then after the workday was over, he went home, watched reruns of cops' shows and shut himself off to a six-hour slumber.
"Lassie" screamed the overjoyed, self-proclaimed psychic "I didn't know that robots shopped or even eat for that matter."
"How do you think I survive?" he challenged.
"Batteries" Spencer offered with that corny smile.
"Wrong" he muttered dryly "Just like your first suspects for your cases" "Its oil."
"The spirits play games" the psychic returned "They prefer to keep things up in the air like that movie with Harrison Ford."
"Air Force One" He filled in.
"No Lassie, Star Wars" chuckled Spencer "First detective work, now movie trivia you just can't win."
"I have places to be and talking with you isn't one of them" He started to move his cart when Spencer retorted.
"A woman definitely isn't in any of those places."
That stung. He turned to face the cocky son of a bitch. He complemented a right hook but decided a punch wasn't worth a suspension. Murder maybe but not a rabbit punch.
"Shawn!"
Both he and Spencer turned around to see O'Hara come running up with bananas nestled in her arms. She had her hair down and was wearing a t-shirt that said :80's All the Way. Probably one of Spencer's, he thought bitterly. Clearly O'Hara had fallen in the Spencer bear trap. He couldn't decide what hurt more: an actual bear trap or seeing his amazing partner settle for a crude, low-brow, self-worshiping fake.
"Here comes my place to be" Spencer suggested. He blanched at the crude, sexual remark.
"Carlton" she said surprised "I didn't know you shopped here."
"Even robots need oil" he deadpanned.
"Who said you're a robot?" she asked indignantly.
"Your boyfriend."
She turned to stare at Shawn daring him to speak. He could tell Shawn was only too happy to oblige. The conversation had gone on too long without his voice.
"I didn't say that exactly" he stammered with a grin.
"What did you say?' she demanded.
"Nothing important just like Lassie" he chortled in glee like a child who tore wings off on a butterfly.
"Shawn!" she said.
"Save it O'Hara" he broke in.
Both Spencer and O'Hara looked at him with questioning eyes. Spencer was one of mischief and O'Hara was one of hurt perfect puppy dog eyes stared back at him. "You idiot" he thought.
She grabbed him by his arm and pulled him into the aisle with the vegetable oil which was on his list. Spencer tried to follow but O'Hara told him to stay next to the cart and stopping adding items whose main ingredient was sugar to the cart. The moment she turned her back in went a candy bar (extra-large)
She looked at him and asked: "What was that about?"
"Your boyfriend/housemate doesn't listen very well" he said. Spencer wasn't the only one with top-notch perspective.
"I know" she sighed.
It was a sigh of a beaten down person. He heard that sigh before from Guster and the older Spencer. Spencer had a gift for taking advantage of people and still retaining their affections.
"Then why are you with him and living with him to boot?" he asked bluntly.
"He has some good qualities" she started her usual spiel of defending him as Spencer added a box of kids' cereal to the cart.
"Even Hillary Clinton does even I do but that doesn't mean you lower yourself" he argued.
"Stop degrading yourself Carlton" she interjected.
"I will if you tell your boyfriend to stop" he offered as Spencer outraced a little boy to the last box of graham crackers.
"That's Shawn being Shawn, you have to be the biggest man" she admonished.
"Literally or figuratively" he asked "Because Spencer got the literal part down."
"Hypocrite" she frowned.
"I think after seven years of insults I earned a few volleys" he sneered.
"It's not easy" she explained in the same tone a mother would teach a child.
"Of course it's not easy O'Hara watching yourself, your partner, the whole department being the source of amusement for a man-child" he exploded "And what's worse is watching your partner not say anything when she could dam the whole stream from the start."
O'Hara pursed her lips. "I don't think Shawn would stop just because I asked him to."
"He would have before you started dating; he sort of respected you, now you are just a robot he tinkers with just like Guster, his dad, and the whole world."
He felt relieved to get that off his chest. Seven years of thoughts, feelings, pain, and emotion went into that short speech. But like the Gettysburg Address sometimes short was best. He reached over O'Hara for the vegetable oil. Spencer at the same time reached for the whipped cream.
He nodded his head at O'Hara mad at himself for not being more diplomatic in his approach. He felt a gravity tug on his suit and a kiss on his lips. It was the briefest but the sweetest kiss he ever had. He dropped the vegetable oil out of shock. It exploded upon contact with the floor. Spencer missing the kiss, but seeing the aftermath laughed in merriment as both he and O'Hara slipped.
O'Hara pulled her herself up and handed him another bottle. "Even robots need oil."
All three laughed but ironically the social one was laughing alone.