Hold On

by Penguincita

Light, as Kira, is assaulted in the street one night, but… Kira's justice is impartial, and immediate. That is all that matters. (I originally got to thinking about this after reading Memento Mori by Nilahxapiel, a story in which Light is assaulted and sees no reason to go on. I enjoyed that story, but it got me wondering if I thought that was really how Light/Kira would react to such a thing. My version, as you can see, is quite different.)

Many asked how the strength and motivation were always there, how the sacrifice could be made every day to just hold on, just bear through, in the hopes of eventually reaching justice. And I usually laughed at those times, because what more motivation could there be than that? Justice… was… is… everything.

I felt my cheek getting slammed into the cold brick again, and this time there was a trickle of lukewarm blood running down my face.

'Fuck!' I screamed to myself, though it came out as nothing more than an indecipherable grunt of pain, easily swallowed by the heavy breathing of the body pressing against me so violently. –Rage- No, now is the time to think. Stop, reassess, decide, act.- My body clenched and unclenched and I was suddenly all calm. I consciously tensed my muscles once again.

"Not cooperating, then?" I heard snarled into my ear, and a fist slammed into my neck- Pain- Must think- hold on- violence incarnate. The voice was almost too rough, as though the speaker was trying too hard to force the tone into his voice. I sagged momentarily, feigning resigned compliance, felt the miserable smile against my neck, and was roughly turned around to face my captor. I searched out and memorized the face instantaneously, and felt a surge of adrenalin as my mind registered the partial victory.

Step one: know the criminal's face.

"Wh-who are you?" I allowed myself to gasp, shaking as I slid down the wall in what I hoped seemed a beaten manner. The man sneered before replying. Oh, this was just too easy.

"Haru Kigami… at your service," he leered. I gave a tiny whimper right on cue as he pinched my shoulder, my rush growing even more. Suddenly it was just a matter of betting on whether the name was true or false.

Step two: know the criminal's legal name.

On the one hand- Ah! Didn't expect that pain in the- oh, he's kneeing my thighs apart-bear with it- just survive- the fact that he was telling me his name didn't imply that he intended for me to get out of this alive. On the other- A sudden wince, as balls are crushed in his grasp- just hold on- just bear with it long enough to…- this criminal had no way of knowing that by giving me his name, he had ensured that his harsh breaths in this darkened alleyway would be his last.

I felt my lips curl into a sneer that could have meant anything from gloating over the fact that I- Hiss! My body is knocked to the ground, a slight 'no' forms on my deceiving lips- Just… bear… with it…- Ah!- knew something this worthless trash didn't, to utter contempt for the filth I was to rid from the world.

He shoved my hands above my head and promptly ceased to pay attention to them; his fatal mistake. Once he no longer –Ah, blood on my lips as he bites them into silence- cared what they did, so long as they stayed above my head, he had lost. It was I who held power then; ironic given that this crime was intended to prove his power over me. 'The crime for which he will now be punished…' I thought, allowing that thought to numb the sensation of a rough grasp slipping into- Must. Hang. ON!- and then I was focusing all of my energy on clicking exactly four times with the thumb of my right hand, hoping that the tendons were not moving enough to alert the criminal.

'Haru Kigami,' I thought, 'You made a mistake tonight…' –AAAGH! JUST- KEEP- THINKING!- and with the fourth click, the compartment opened, 'But you see, you cannot be permitted to exist anymore,' and I took the pin, and no longer needed to bite my lower lip as I drew from one poke just enough blood to write those two characters, -AAAGH- and then I was already grinning through my grimace of pain and bloodied lips- ...Kigami- because I had finished writing his name, and that was all that mattered.

I barely noticed my pants being forced down, he was busy shoving fingers up my ass, and I writhed in pain almost comically, pulling one knee up to slow him down because I was counting down seconds- 25… 24…- God, why does it take so long?- …but I AM God- and I told myself that I was glad that this man had dared to assault me that night- Augh, so rough- 17… 16…- because it was a small sacrifice to make for the valuable information that this man was unworthy to live in the new world- 12… 11…- the seconds go by so slowly- and I, God, would- must remove him- remove him- for the greater good - 6… 5…- and yes, it was a good thing -It has to be- that he chose me, that he chose that night, because otherwise, the world might not have known, it might have been someone else- 'Oh.'

Step three: Write the person's name into the Death Note, while picturing their face, and that person…

…will die.

And just like that, the ordeal was over. I wondered if my eyes were gleaming, if it was so strange that I felt nothing, only a desire to hum softly- Relief- I almost sigh- in a victory song- A song of justice-. I indulged myself by allowing my hands to shake ever so imperceptibly while I pulled my clothing back into place. 'It was necessary. It will pass.'

I looked down to contemplate the sinner I had shoved off of me, now just so much more dirt on the ground. Justice served again… in this case, death for the sinner who had dared to defy the laws of Kira's perfect world.

As I walked back to headquarters, I chose not to be conscious of the shiver in my step, the twitch my arm made as I brushed past what would turn out to be nothing more than a hedge. Nothing could threaten the perfect world that Kira had created- I know- I knew. Sacrifices -Sacrifices must be made- were sometimes necessary. I knew I had but to hold on- must hold on- long enough to see justice done.