characters: Blaine Anderson, Sebastian Smythe
pairing: Blaine Anderson/Sebastian Smythe
disclaimer: It's Ryan Murphy's world, I just play in it.
authors note:
First and foremost, thank you to everyone who has read and liked and reviewed my previous stories.
For Seblaine Sunday challenge on Tumblr (prompts regret & countdown)
This was written in one day so I didn't go over it as much as I normally would have.
English is still not my native language so I apologize for all and any grammar mistakes.
(Without You) I Move At Random
It has been Sebastian all this time. No one else had a chance. Not then. Not now. Not ever.
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He arrived like a meteor, like a bolt of lightning from above. The day was exceptional with the sky a perfect blue color, so big and endless. It was warm and everything smelled of possibilities. It was the second week of Blaine's sophomore year and for the first time in a long while his life was good. He was happy to be back at school, the place that had accepted him unconditionally, place that had become his second home, place where he'd made friends. He'd even managed to get a boyfriend during the summer and although it wasn't all he'd ever dreamed a love would be like he wasn't about to complain. In all honesty, he couldn't have imagined his life getting any better.
Nothing in this world had prepared him for what happened on that day in early September during the first round of Warblers auditions. Nothing ever could had prepared him for Sebastian Smythe.
.
He was sitting at the council table, temporarily taking Thad's place that was empty due to lacrosse tryouts, fighting a battle with his patience. Warblers winning Nationals the year before had made them even more popular than before which resulted in an unusually high number of applicants, all eager to become members of the famous a Capella group, barely few with the talent to back up their ambitions.
They were well past the third hour and even Wes had abandoned all pleasantries and formal introductions in an attempt to move things along in a quicker pace; this was only the first round after all.
Blaine glanced at the list before him and was relieved to see that there were only nine names left. Truth be told, he wasn't expecting much. Despite the huge interest they were yet to be wowed.
And then he walked in and Blaine felt like someone cracked him over the head with a sledgehammer. Tall and lean with a face that no person in this world should be allowed to have. But it was more than that. It was the confidence that the boy carried with him. Blaine was literally feeling dizzy and lightheaded, like he did when was little and had spent too much time on that small merry-go-round in the park near his house. He closed his eyes and took few deep breaths but it barely did anything to stop the spinning inside his head.
And when he - Sebastian, Blaine had managed to catch - started to sing Blaine was gone. He fell from the highest ledge into something and there was no going back.
He sang and danced through The Way You Make Me Feel with such ease and allure Blaine was sure that there wasn't a person on this planet who would've been able to look away. But the strangest thing was that during the entire song Sebastian kept looking at him. He kept looking at him in the way that made Blaine forget his own name, in a way that he had to keep reminding himself to breathe. For four minutes the world disappeared. All Blaine was aware of was the chair he was sitting on and the metal bars where he hooked his legs to keep him from standing up and doing something utterly embarrassing, like kissing Sebastian there and then. There was only the table, the boy in front of him and his beating heart.
When he finished Blaine's cheeks were flushed, his legs hurt from the force of which he kept himself in place, his breathing was off and he couldn't hear what Wes was asking Sebastian about, he couldn't hear the answer since his heart was still drumming loudly and echoing inside his head. But aside from a few courtesy glances Sebastian gave to the other two boys at the table his gaze was still focused on him. There was a slight smirk on his face, he looked amused but his eyes were full of this intense interest and also something else, something that Blaine couldn't name. He could feel his eyes, it felt like touching. He shivered. He could feel goosebumps breaking across his skin. He couldn't look away. Despite blushing, despite how stupid he knew he looked, turning his eyes away was impossible.
Sebastian said something to Wes, or to David and then turned and walked out of the room but not before shooting another look in Blaine's direction, not before winking at him.
Blaine shifted in his sit, finally allowing himself to lose the hold his legs had on his chair. He realized the paper and the little notebook he had on the table were completely crumpled up, he could feel the layer of sweat on his forehead, at the back of his neck. He suddenly realized how tight his uniform trousers had become.
He looked to the side and caught the eyes of the two boys sitting next to him. David was doing all he could not to burst out laughing - a battle that he eventually lost with himself - and Wes looked genuinely worried. "Are you okay?" he asked in a way one would ask an ill person, or a crazy one. "Oh," David said through a laugh, "He's fantastic." Blaine could only nod.
.
Things don't happen this way, Blaine thought. Not in real life, not beyond pages of books. One look, one moment can't possibly take you so far. But what he thought didn't matter because there he was, still dizzy, still flushed, still thinking about Sebastian. Still feeling his eyes on him.
Eight other boys followed and Blaine didn't hear or see anyone of them. For the life of him, he wouldn't be able to tell you what they sang or if they were any good. Sebastian's voice was replaying inside his head like a tape he didn't know how to stop; the tape he didn't want to stop.
It didn't matter that he had a boyfriend, it didn't matter that he was sure a boy like that would never fall for him, it didn't matter if he was still debating the existence of love at first sight or even a probability of true love arriving at his door. None of that mattered because it had happened already. In a time it took for Sebastian to walk inside the room, sing, and walk out Blaine fell in love. Impossible, Blaine tried to convince himself. Ridiculous, absurd. He was a romantic, yes, but he never expected that.
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He was the last to leave the common room and the moment he stepped outside in the hallway a voice startled him.
"So, am I in?" Sebastian was leaning against the wall, his hands in the pockets of his pants, smirking.
Blaine was almost completely sure he was having a heart attack. Like being startled wasn't bad enough it just had to be Sebastian. He pushed himself off the wall and came to stood right in front of him. Blaine's breath hitched and he was sure Sebastian noticed. He was just glad he didn't make any embarrassing noises. He had to crane his neck to able to look him in the eyes. He was so tall. And his eyes were green and blue and he had to look away before he drowned in them. He saw his smirk growing.
"You can tell me," Sebastian said easily, "I know I nailed it so why pretend with formalities?"
Blaine chuckled and shook his head. He couldn't help it. There was not a trace of doubt in his voice, in his expression, in his presence. He was pretty sure that on anyone else he would find that amount of confidence unappealing, maybe even repulsive, but not on this boy. There was this odd combination of determination and ease about him. There was that playful smirk on his face that made Blaine's heart dance, that made it impossible not to smile as well.
He watched for a few moments as Sebastian arched his eyebrows, waiting for an answer. And then something strange jumped inside of him. He smirked as well. He never smirked before, not like that. He will never know where he got the courage to say what he did. To do the things he did. He'll never understand how he even managed to form words since his mouth was as dry as the desert.
"You were good," he allowed, "But it could've been a fluke." He saw a surprise flash through his eyes and he couldn't help but feel proud.
"Good?" Sebastian asked, amused. "You and I both know I was more than good." He came even closer and Blaine could feel the heat radiating from his body. He smelled like lemons and chlorine and grass. He looked at him again, with that look that made his body tremble. Blaine knew he was blushing but something was jumping inside of him; it was the kind of excitement he never felt before. Similar as the adrenaline rush of being on stage, but deeper somehow, more permanent.
"You were better than most," he allowed again, "But we have a really high standards so you'll just have to convince us that you really got it."
Sebastian dipped his head lower and whispered against his ear. "Oh, I most definitely got it." His words were thick and unmistakably layered with promises of pleasures. Blaine shivered and then gasped when the taller boy grazed his fingers against the exposed flesh of his forearm.
He took a slow step back even though his entire body was resenting him for it and looked him in the eyes. His green orbs were darker now and he felt something hot coil inside his belly. He felt himself blush again but he didn't back away. He moved just a fraction of the step closer and reached for Sebastian's tie, straightening it up. He let his fingers graze his neck and saw him swallow.
"I guess we'll see," he said, smirked and left with that.
.
But of course, Sebastian wouldn't be Sebastian if he'd allowed him to leave like that. He wasn't even halfway down the corridor when the boy caught up with him.
"How about some private lessons then?" he suggested and even though the innuendo wasn't that far gone Sebastian sounded more excited than anything else and when Blaine looked at him he was grinning. Not smirking, grinning and Blaine fell even more for him.
But then he remembered something that had managed to completely slip away from his mind.
"I have a boyfriend," he said and saw Sebastian's face fall. It didn't last long - a moment or two - but he saw uncertainty and doubt and it was probably then that Blaine finished falling head over heels in love with him.
"Oh," Sebastian said but recovered quickly. "Is it serious?"
Blaine was surprised by the question. Probably because he never took any relationship causally. But standing there in an empty hallway so keenly aware of the force that was pulling him towards the boy in front of him, the force that felt stronger than gravity, he had his answer.
"No, not really," he admitted and shrugged.
Sebastian grinned again and his eyes came alight again. He took Blaine's breath away.
"Excellent," he said and before Blaine had a chance to process what was going on Sebastian was holding his hand, dragging him back towards the common room.
They ended up drinking coffee and talking for hours.
.
.
The next week consisted of Sebastian constantly flirting and wanting to know everything about him. By Sunday he was no longer in a relationship. Even if part of him was suspicious of Sebastian's interest in him there was no point in staying with someone who didn't make your heart jump, who you didn't want to kiss all the time, who didn't look at you the way Sebastian did.
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The boy appeared in his dorm room that same night with a bag of strawberry gummy bears, lemon pie and Fanta. After putting the DVD in a player he flung himself on the bed next to him and pressed play. When Blaine realized it was Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone a sound escaped from his throat that was a combination of a chuckle and a sob.
Sebastian turned his head to look at him, concerned. "You like Harry Potter, right?" He asked, his voice sounding just a little uncertain.
Blaine nodded. "Why are you doing this?" he asked. He was both amused and puzzled. "I thought you'd be happy?" he asked and wasn't really surprised when his voice wavered a little. He wanted him to be happy, that was the truth.
"Not yet," he said lightly, smirking playfully before shifting a little and dipping his head down. He skimmed his nose against his jaw and whispered. "But I will be soon." He kissed him on the cheek and pulled himself away, returning his gaze back on TV in front of them.
"Then why all this?" he asked after a long moment, he waved his hand around as well to emphasize what he was talking about.
Sebastian shrugged casually, gazing at him for a moment. "Breakups suck even when it's the right thing to do," he answered easily.
Blaine kissed him on the cheek and snuggled against him. When he glanced up he saw a small smile playing on his lips.
.
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Here was the problem: the more Blaine got to know Sebastian the more the idea that the boy would be interested in him seemed impossible. And when the week passed since his break up and Sebastian still hadn't asked him out Blaine felt himself close to panicking.
"Are you going to asks me out or what?" he inquired on a Sunday evening while they were both at the library doing their homework. He wanted to sound casual but knew it didn't come out that way.
"Of course I will," Sebastian said, not raising his head from the math problem he was easily solving.
Blaine couldn't help but frown. He needed more. "When?" he asked, wincing inwardly at how needy he was being.
Sebastian chuckled, still buried inside his math textbook. "Next Sunday."
Blaine frowned again. He'd realized by then that keeping up with Sebastian was not an easy thing to do and his answer only confused him. As if Next Sunday was always the plan.
"Why next Sunday?" He was missing something and wanted to know what.
Sebastian finally raised his head and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm giving you time," he explained. "I'm giving us a time, I guess," he added with a voice that sounded just a little smaller.
"Time to do what?" He was still confused, he was worried that what Sebastian meant was time to be sure I like you and he was worried that his chances were getting smaller with each day. He chuckled nervously. "I don't understand."
Sebastian looked at him. He didn't seem annoyed which Blaine would totally understand in he was. He smiled at him. That smile that Blaine was very careful not to start calling his Blaine smile; the though was just too incredible.
"Time to make sure you don't regret breaking up with Kurt."
"Oh." Well, he definitely didn't expect that. That meant that Sebastian didn't want just a fling. It was a miracle he didn't melt right there and then.
"Yeah. I thought two weeks is enough time. Anything more and… well, that would mean tempting fate and I have no intention on doing that."
Blaine wanted to say that he was sure now but didn't because he understood where Sebastian was coming from. Instead he asked, "You believe in fate?" He was surprised but Sebastian was full of surprises and he would've been happy spending all of his life figuring him out.
"Well I didn't," he said before raising his head again, "But I guess I'm starting to," he whispered in his ear, placing another kiss on his cheek.
Blaine was left speechless. How does this boy even exist?
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When Sebastian kissed him his whole word exploded. It was the kiss that took him somewhere far away and deep. A secret place from which he never returned.
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What you had once can you have it again? Can past come back to you? What is the punishment for tempting fate? That's what Blaine is thinking about on this New Year's Eve, standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with a sweating bottle of beer in his hand. It's quieter here, if only just, noise of the party reminding him of where he is. He's been thinking those same thoughts for the last six years.
Do second chances really exist? He takes a sip of his beer and closes his eye. There's buzzing under his skin; equal part hope and dread. He thinks about the boy who isn't a boy anymore, he thinks about him somewhere in this apartment and his heart moves to his throat. He feels his stomach twisting into knots. Are you smart enough to recognize it? Brave enough to grab it and never let go? To never repeat the mistake you made all those years ago?
He takes a deep breath in a feeble attempt to calm his beating heart. Group of people stumble into the kitchen, laughing loudly, startling him a little. They circle the island in an obvious need of more alcoholic refreshments and, thankfully, ignore him completely.
He believed he wouldn't be able to live without him and in a way he was right. He has a good life, he's had a good life all this time - great college experience, small group of close friends, a job he loves. There's the dog - Linus, long walks in the park, fireplace and big kitchen. There is dancing all night and goofing on karaoke evenings. A good life. But something was always missing. Someone wasn't there and Blaine couldn't help but feel his absence. Like a permanent black and empty space inside his heart, like a layer of grey over everything bright and colorful.
Can you turn back time? Can you rewind your life? He knows the answers to those questions but that doesn't mean the knowledge has prevented him from wishing it possible. He wishes it so badly he can taste it. It's a bitter, sour taste. A taste of regret.
There have been other boys through the years, other man. He let them kiss him and even fuck him but that was barely anything. It wasn't love, that Blaine knows for certain. He knows what love is. He had it; that thing that everyone wants. It was true and real and remarkable and he ruined it.
"You're fucking breaking up with me because you think I'm going to cheat on you?!" Memories make him cringe, regret twisting in his chest making it hard to breathe. "You think when I say I love that I'm lying?"
He takes another sip of his now lukewarm beer but it tastes too bitter as well and he has trouble swallowing anyway so he pours the remaining liquid from the bottle down the drain.
"You know," the too familiar voice drawls from behind him. "I think you're avoiding me."
He feels his whole body tense up. Fuck you, Sebastian he wants to say. The last hour is painfully fresh in his mind but so are the last six years, so are the two and a half years before that. Everything feels heavy but what happened earlier is both of their faults, what happened an hour ago wouldn't have happened if he hadn't made the biggest mistake of his life all those years ago.
"Why would I do that?" he asks instead, turning around. He detected amused tone in his voice so he tried for one as well but his own words came out sounding slightly strangled. Like something is lodged behind his throat; a bitter lump that sits there, that has been sitting there for six years. There is no going around the fact that this is all his fault. It takes him painfully long time to look at the man standing before him. Leaning against the island with a bottle of beer in his hand, slightly amused expression on his face. Gorgeous as ever. Actually, even more so Blaine noticed.
"I don't know," Sebastian says and takes a sip of his beer. "You tell me." He smirks, but it's faint.
I don't know, because you were an asshole earlier. Because I'm embarrassed. Because I'm full of regret and don't know what to do about it. Blaine feels his heart beating heavy and hard inside his chest, he feels it pulsing in his throat and echoing in his head. He feels like running away. He can't read Sebastian's expression even though it is by no means blank.
"I'm not avoiding you," he says, going back to his first question. Ground seems shaky, or maybe it's just him. Whatever the reason, Blaine feels the need to grab onto something so he places his one hand behind him, holding onto the edge of the counter.
Sebastian smirks but it falls just as quickly as before. Blaine has trouble holding his gaze. There's no more than six feet between them; too close, too far away. "Oh really," he starts and the layer of amusement is barely noticeable. "And what do you call driving away from someone without so much as hello?"
Shit.
He knew there will be no getting away with that.
.
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He hadn't seen him for six years and then on the most ordinary of all ordinary days there he was. In a middle of the frozen food aisle. Three weeks ago.
When he'd rounded the corner Blaine had to stop and blink. He kept blinking until he was sure this wasn't just a mirage. After all, that wouldn't surprised him. He'd been thinking about him so much and so often that hallucination wouldn't be so unexpected. He had, over the years, thought he saw him at the most random of places: at the newsstand, in a line for coffee, walking across the street. But this time it was really him.
Blaine stayed back and watched. In all honesty he was stunned, he wouldn't have been able to move even if he wanted to.
He watched as Sebastian kept picking the bags of frozen vegetables, reading the labels and then either dropping them in his cart or back in the freezer. He couldn't help but smile. He couldn't help but feel tears gathering behind his eyeballs. He looked so familiar and so beautiful, still.
Another customer bumped into him, startling him into motion. He turned around, back from where he came from. He felt dizzy. He'd spent so much time wishing he could see him again but that was all just a theory. Be careful what you wish for, isn't that the saying. Leaning against the shelves of jars of pickles, dressed in his oldest jeans and Sebastian's old Dalton hoodie, he realized that wishing for a second chance and being faced with one were two entirely different things. He'd wanted it so badly but now was forced to admit how unprepared he was. Sebastian was here and Blaine didn't know what to do. Or even what to say.
I'm sorry? I made a mistake? I've been regretting it ever since? Would that change anything? Would that give him what he wanted most of all?
Later in the parking lot, just as he came back from returning the cart, a second before getting inside his car, he looked up and saw him again. Their eyes locked and time stood still. His heart was hammering behind his rib cage and he was keenly aware of how heavy his limbs had become. Sebastian looked surprised, stunned, but Blaine could swear he saw a smile forming on his lips before he raised his hand to wave. Blaine didn't get a chance to wave back because the car passed between them, honking, shattering the moment. And then Blaine did the worst thing he could've possibly done. He climbed inside his car and drove off. Just like that.
He stayed parked in his car in front of his building for hours. The ice cream was melting in the back seat, the chicken had surely began to thaw but he couldn't move. Awareness of his action paralyzed him.
Why did he do it? What kind of person does that? Just drives away? He could not believe what he'd done. Coward then. Coward still. So much for his second chance. Ruined.
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"I was in a hurry," Blaine says. Lies.
"Right." There are no traces of amusement in his voice. None at all. He sounds slightly bitter, hurt. Whatever Blaine expected this wasn't it. He expected to be called on his bullshit or teased or ignored altogether. He expected the kind of reaction he'd gotten an hour ago.
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The only reason Blaine agreed to come to this party was because his best friend had insisted that he needed a wing-man. And because he preferred to live without Sam giving him worried looks. He can have fun, he does have fun, he just doesn't party every weekend, that's all.
But it is a New Year's Eve so he'd ended up dressing up and coming to a party where he knew absolutely no one. Except for Sam that is, who disappeared the moment they walked in.
He was standing at the corner, sipping his beer, wondering if he'll ever be comfortable among such a large group of strangers, playing with the label on the bottle, when he turned his head and saw him. Sebastian didn't look surprised and Blaine realized he'd probably been watching him for some time. He felt his cheeks flush hotly. He was too aware of what had happened during their last encounter - if one can even call it that - and was busy wishing for the ground to open up and swallow him whole.
For three weeks he'd been keenly aware of the possibility of running into him. For three weeks he'd been trying to figure out what possible explanation could he offer that wouldn't make him look like a complete asshole.
He focused his gaze on his beer bottle trying to gather up the courage to look at Sebastian, desperately trying to figure out what he's going to say. That however, proved to be an unnecessary exercise.
"Hey, killer," Sebastian said easily. His voice was so casual that it actually startled him. He looked up and his expression was just as casual. Something twisted painfully inside his chest. Something squeezed at his lungs.
"Hey," he managed to pull out from his throat.
Sebastian went on to introduce him to a few people whose names Blaine didn't manage to catch; all his energy went to keeping himself together. He probably smiled and nodded but inside he was breaking apart. He was clenching his jaw and blinking, desperately trying to hold back the tears for at least a little while longer.
When he saw how nonchalant Sebastian was all at once he knew why he drove off that day. Indifference. His biggest fear. Something you can't fight against. Anger, resentment, hurt, all of that carried some hope with it. But indifference carried nothing. Indifference meant the end.
An offhanded "We went to high school together" remark was the thing that did it.
He looked up at Sebastian and was faced with something sharp in his eyes. Nothing casual about that and for a split second he felt something like hope bubble up inside him. His eyes went straight through him, though and there was this unfamiliar sense of aversion directed towards him. Blaine couldn't take it anymore. Not at that moment. He'd thought he was prepared for anything. He'd been so wrong. That look of disdain in Sebastian's eyes was too much.
He turned to leave but not before "Best fuck I ever had" came out of Sebastian's mouth.
Tears fell from his eyes; tears of heartbreak, tears of anger. He showed him as hard as he could, pain and fury were running through his veins. "Fuck you!" he said, forgetting about the tears in his eyes, forgetting about where he was. Sebastian stumbled back a few steps, obviously caught off guard. "Fuck you, Sebastian!" He showed him again and looked him straight in the eyes. He didn't care if he was embarrassing himself, he didn't care if Sebastian saw how much he'd hurt him. It didn't matter if he deserved it - he probably did - but that didn't mean he had to take it. He wasn't gonna allow him to belittle what they once had.
They kept staring at each other. Blaine was breathing heavily, trying to compose himself. Sebastian's mask of indifference, mask of hostility fell off. The boy that was always cool and composed, who had never let anyone outside of them see the inside of him was now cut open and raw in a room full of people. Blaine felt himself shiver.
"Blaine," he said and his voice was small, smaller than he'd ever heard it. "I'm sorry," it cracked as well.
Blaine wrapped his arms around himself. The sound of Sebastian's voice saying his name caused another tear to fall. He'd thought he remembered everything so well, but nothing, no memory could ever be as strong as reality. He'd forgot just how strong this pull was, how much it can hurt when he's not touching him.
Sebastian took a step forward, reaching towards him. "I'm sorr-"
"Leave me alone," he cut him off, pulling back, even though what he wanted was the exact opposite. Never leave me. Please. I'm sorry for the things I've done. Things I said. Don't leave.
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.
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A heavy silence settles between them. This gap between them holds too many questions, too much silence. He breathes, trying to find something to focus on. Something other than this blank and hot feeling inside his stomach, something other than the way his body aches for the man standing before him.
He is painfully aware that this is the future he himself made. Why can't he ask for what he needs? The only man he ever loved, everything he could ever hope for is standing right here in front of him and he remains silent. Why does it feel like there's still something to lose? Why does it feel like he's being defeated by his own fear, yet again?
.
"I'm sorry," he hears Sebastian say and looks up at him and the remorse in his voice is unmistakable.
He wants to say I know, it's all right, he wants say No, I'm sorry, he wants to push just to bait him, but instead he wraps his arms around himself and shrugs. "Doesn't matter. I-"
"No," Sebastian cuts him off and it's a good thing since Blaine doesn't know what he would've said. "Don't do that. I was an asshole. I don't even know why I said it." He puts the beer bottle on the island and laughs but the sound is uneasy. "But it wasn't a lie," he adds.
Blaine knows what Sebastian is trying to do and it breaks his heart. He should be the one trying, he should be the one making an effort, not stupidly and cowardly standing here, expecting once again for Sebastian to miraculously read his mind. God, hasn't he learned anything?
Sebastian picks up the bottle and then puts it down again. He starts pacing. He runs his hand through his hair. Blaine has never seen him so openly nervous. He looks at him and Blaine feels like his legs are about to give out. He seems desperate almost, he appears the way Blaine himself is feeling. There are questions in his eyes; he's asking him for something. But what? Something as in closure? Something as in new beginning?
The kitchen seems to be shrinking around them. He feels layer of sweat gathering on the back of his neck. His shirt collar seems to tight around his throat.
"Shit, Blaine, I'm sorry. I don't know how-" He stops and moves closer. He is so close that Blaine can touch him. So he does. He reaches forward with his one hand and twist his fingers in his shirt. And pulls, just slightly. He's close but not close enough. "I don't know how to be with you like this and not-" He stops again.
Blaine looks up at him. If he can't say what he needs to say he can at least look him in the eyes. Sebastian is watching him with so much emotions he feels like he's going to start crying again. "What?" he whispers.
"Not touch you," Sebastian says, his voice sounding as if it's coming from someplace else, he looks like he's lost in a memory. His fingers curl around his jaw and Blaine lets himself arch into his palm.
"You can," he says. Please, oh please, just touch me.
And he does and soon they're holding each other close and tight, arms circles around one another. They stand there breathing and just being. Blaine pushes himself on his toes and buries his face in his neck and inhales. There's still that lemony scent mixed with chlorine and something spicy. He circles his arms even tighter and feels Sebastian do the same.
"God, I've missed you," the taller man exhales and it is so incredibly thick. All these years full of longing and loneliness condensed in that one sentence. Blaine blinks away the tears. Tries to anyway. God, what did I do to us?
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.
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It had taken him an entire year to accept that Sebastian really wanted to be with him. But he did. At least for a while. Their junior year was perfect. The year where he was blissfully happy. The year where he laughed and smiled so much he had gotten used to this permanent soreness in his cheeks and abdomen. But then the senior year came and all his fears returned.
Senior year meant preparations for the future, senior year meant college applications and the world outside of Dalton Academy. For as long as Blaine had been aware of himself he wanted to get out of Ohio. But not anymore. With Sebastian, Westerville suddenly felt like the only place in the entire world where he wished to be. But that was fear talking and Blaine knew it.
How on earth was he supposed to compete with all that the outside world had to offer? How could he ever compare to boys in big cities? How could he measure up? He knew Sebastian loved him but that didn't seem to matter. His fears were taking over and nothing could've stopped them.
.
"I'm never going to let you go," Sebastian would said to him. So serious, so certain. He was certain about most things. He knew what he wanted and did everything he could to get it. It was astonishing, really. Inspiring. And it went beyond just the words he said to him. He did everything he could to make sure they would stay together after high school. Both of them applied to sixteen colleges, increasing the chances of them ending up in the same city or the same state. At least on the same coast. "We'll figure things out," he would said. Always so certain.
But Blaine wasn't able to understand how could he possibly be so sure about him.
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He couldn't shake this cold feeling that was spreading throughout his entire body. I'm going to lose him. That was the thing Blaine was certain about. It's only a matter of time. There was this ache in his chest whenever he saw him, like he'd already lost him.
.
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Everything exploded the day before Christmas Eve.
They were lounging on his bed, stealing few more moments together before being separated for a few days over the holidays. Sebastian was talking excitedly about Paris, about all the things he couldn't wait to see again and Blaine was trying his best not to cry.
Sebastian had informed him two days earlier that he was going back to Paris to finish high school there. For Blaine it was the worst nightmare came to life. He wasn't ready, he'd thought he had at least few more months before reality intervened and shattered his happiness. Sebastian had assured him that nothing had changed: he will be back and they'll go to college together and everything will be fine. Blaine had nodded but hadn't believed a word of it.
Did he realize how much Sebastian missed Paris, his home? Did he see how much it meant to him? No, not that evening. Blaine didn't want to hear the details, he wasn't interested to know anything about Sebastian's world that won't include him. He didn't hear Sebastian making plans about him coming to visit over spring break, he didn't notice how tightly he was holding him. In his head it had already happened. He'd lost him.
He was sure about that as he was sure about the fact that two plus two equals four. It was a fact of life; even if Sebastian didn't know it yet.
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"Maybe we should take a break," he said, stunning Sebastian into silence. The taller boy shifted to look at him. His brow was furrowed.
"What do you mean?" he asked even though he quickly realized what Blaine had meant.
He faltered for a moment. There was a sour taste in his mouth. There was sourness rising inside of him as well. He should've stopped. He should've thrown his arms around him. Admitted that he couldn't imagine a life without him. He should've said how afraid he was of being left behind. He should've thought about the way Sebastian always held his hand. He should've thought about the way he kissed him, how he held him at night. He should've thought about his smile every time he'd seen him and about every moment they'd shared together. All the signs, all the proofs of his love. But he didn't. He felt what he felt and wasn't capable of seeing beyond his own fears. So he went ahead.
He lit the match and set them on fire.
"We should break up."
"Why?" Sebastian was standing now. If Blaine payed enough attention he would've seen tears forming in his eyes.
"You're leaving and- and I don't think the long distance thing can work." His voice was small, strange to his own ears.
"It's only for five months," Sebastian said. It's not five months, it's forever. There was slight desperation in his voice but that was just another thing Blaine didn't notice. "That's nothing."
"It's not nothing," he insisted. And then he said the worst thing he could've said to him. "Can you honestly tell me you can go five months without sex?"
For a split second it looked as if Sebastian were going to make a joke but then his whole face fell. "Wait, you're fucking breaking up with me because you think I'm going to cheat on you?!" He heard the pain. The betrayal. No. Yes. No, you don't understand. "What, you think when I say I love you that I'm lying?" No. It's not about you...
But the words weren't coming out. He was paralyzed. The moment he saw tears falling from his eyes he realized what he had done.
"Fuck you, Blaine."
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It wasn't the fate that twisted them and thrown them into different futures. It wasn't real life or other people. It was him. Only him. He did this to them.
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"I'm so sorry, Sebastian," Blaine says and pulls him impossibly close.
He feels him shake his head, he feels him pull back just so and then there's a press of his lips against his forehead. "Come on," he says and takes a hold of his hand, dragging him towards the living room, right in the middle of the makeshift dance floor as Rihanna's Diamonds starts playing.
It's incredible and amazing how easy they fall in a rhythm of a song, of each other; like they never stopped dancing.
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Songs change but they keep dancing. Close and moving. Moving moving moving. Holding tightly. Sebastian pulls him closer and he gasps when he feels his half hard cock brush against Sebastian's.
"I'm sorry," he says against his ear.
He feels him smirk against his skin and hears a chuckle in his voice. "No need to apologize."
Blaine chuckles as well but then explains, serious. "Not for that. For what I did." He doesn't need to say anything else. Sebastian's loosens his hold on him but stays close, sighs and presses their foreheads together. He pulls away to say something but changes his mind when the noise in the room becomes too loud. He takes his hand again and Blaine follows him.
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Out on the balcony, Blaine shudders. The air is frigid cold and everything is covered in a blanket of snow. The sky above them is inky blue and littered with stars.
"Why did you do it?" Sebastian asks. He's leaning against the railing and there's something sad in his voice but he pulls Blaine close, to stand between his legs. Why? The same question as then. "You didn't really think I would've-"
"No," Blaine is quick to say. "No, of course not. I just-" he takes a deep breath, "I couldn't understand what you saw in me."
Sebastian's lips twitch but the smile falters before it's even formed. "You thought too little of me."
"No!" God, he doesn't understand. "Not of you, of myself." He keeps his gaze, he needs to make sure that Sebastian understands this. It isn't about him, it was never about him.
"Blaine, you- Fuck," it's all he says at first when realization clicks inside his head. "I should've made sure you knew-"
But Blaine shakes his head. He's thought about this often over the years and there's nothing Sebastian could've said or done that would've changed anything. "No, you were perfect. I really mean that. It was me." However cliché that sounds it's the truth. He shudders from the cold and Sebastian runs his hands up and down his arms to warm him up. His own fingers play with the buttons of his shirt. "I wasn't ready." He shrugs and smiles and Sebastian smiles back. He wasn't ready, not for that kind of love. Pure and true and thick. Love that consumes you and lifts you up. "Loving you was easy," he says, "But I didn't know how to be loved."
Sebastian hums and brings him closer. His fingers trace the line of his jaw before spreading across his cheek. "And now?"
All at once his heart starts beating extremely fast. "Sebastian," he asks, says, breathes. "Are you-"
"I love you Blaine," and it's light and heavy just as things between them always were. "So, are you ready now?"
He feels tears pooling in his eyes but he blinks them away. Nods, "Yes, yes I am," and grins. He may never fully understand what is it that Sebastian sees in him, how he got so lucky that this man thinks of him as perfect, but he sure as hell won't run away from him again. Sebastian grins as well and just as their lips are about to touch Sebastian turns his head and laughs. "Shit."
"What?" Blaine says but can't help but smile.
"I need to take care of something." Sebastian stands and guides them back inside. "I'll be right back, okay?" But Blaine can't seem to let go off his hand.
"What is going on?" He demands.
Sebastian takes a look around the room and runs a hand through his hair. "I sort of came here with someone."
"Oh."
"No, it's nothing," he insists. "Blaine, look at me," he says gently and Blaine does. In all honestly that's all he needs to know there's nothing to worry about. "I just don't want to be a complete jackass, okay?" He waits for Blaine's response and he nods. Sebastian kisses him on the cheek. "I'll be right back, I promise."
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It feels like hours have passed since Sebastian disappeared through the crowd even though Blaine knows that in reality it couldn't have been more than few minutes. But people around him are gathering in small groups, he sees couples finding each other, bottles of champagne are being prepared to be opened when the clock strikes midnight and suddenly dread washes over him. He knows he's overreacting but he can't help it. Memories of the last six years flood his mind and he is filled with all that loneliness, all that longing he was carrying with him. He hears people starting to countdown from 60 and before he can stop them tears are pooling in his eyes. He groans inwardly, too aware of how big of an emotional wreck he is but not even that manages to stop the tears.
The first one falls down his cheek at the same moment when a warm and strong body presses behind him. And then few more follow, this time from pure relief.
"30, 29, 28, 27…" Sebastian counts in his ear. He turns around in his arms just to make sure it's him; he needs to see him. He doesn't miss the worry that paints his face the moment he sees the state he's in. "Shit, Blaine, I'm sorry," and wipes the tears from his cheeks.
Blaine shakes his head, he's smiling now.
"18, 17, 16…" is coming from all around them.
"I'm fine," he says and leans up to kiss him but Sebastian pulls back just enough to be out of reach.
"10 more seconds," he smirks. "9, 8, 7…"
But Blaine shakes his head again and pulls him down by his neck. He's been tempting fate too much already, he isn't gonna waste one more second. So he kisses him. 5 seconds before midnight.
The moment their lips touch something inside of him unravels. They keep kissing kissing kissing and all that regret, all that loneliness starts to dissolve. They kiss slow and gentle and then the kisses turn deeper and everything starts to shake, the earth opens up and they're walking on stars.
.
They break away long after all the champagne has been consumed, long after the fireworks have stopped lighting up the night's sky.
"Damn, killer," Sebastian breaths out, his chest heaving. They both grin and then smirk at the disheveled state of each other: clothes rumpled and untucked, hair mussed, pants too tight, cheeks flushed and lips puffy and bruised. "You like this, don't you?" he whispers hotly against his mouth. "That I'm so hot for you?"
"I do," Blaine admits surprisingly easy and pulls Sebastian against him drawing another moan from the taller man. "Very much so," he adds and smirks.
Sebastian chuckles thickly. "Good, because that's not going to change," and kisses him with a surprising amount of tenderness considering how hotly their bloods are boiling. Blaine melts into a kiss. "What do you say we get out of here?"
Blaine leans his head against the window and looks up at Sebastian with a dopey expression on his face. He nods before asking. "What do you have in mind?"
Sebastian chuckles and pecks his lips. "I forgot how dirty your mind really is," and then adds when he sees Blaine blush, "And how bashful you can be all at the same time."
Blaine smiles and leans up on his toes to press a light kiss on his mouth. "I guess I'll just have to remind you then." Sebastian hums against his lips and the they fall into another series of kisses kisses kisses. "So, what's the plan?" Blaine asks.
Sebastian chuckles lovingly. "The plan. Lets see. I'll take you home and then you'll invite me upstairs all blushing like you're not thinking about all the naughty things you want to do to me."
"Mmhmmm. And then?" He inquires with a smile on his face. He closes his eyes when Sebastian's fingers start tracing lines across his face; his jaw, his cheekbones, his lips.
"Then we'll fool around before falling asleep sated and happy."
Blaine grins. "And tomorrow?"
Sebastian tucks few loose curls back in his hair, behind his ear. "Tomorrow we'll talk. You can apologize for being afraid and pushing me away and I can apologize for being stubborn and not fighting for you." Blaine pulls him closer and wraps his arms tight around him, resting his head against his chest, listening to his heart beating. "And on Thursday you'll take me out."
Blaine looks up at him. "Oh, yeah?"
Sebastian nods. "Yeah. This is your city."
He smiles and buries his face back in his chest and runs his hand against his back. It's really him, he's really here. He is really his again. "And then?"
He feels Sebastian's arms tighten around him and there's a kiss at the top of his head. "And then we'll never be apart again." Blaine smiles. Sebastian always had this way of saying the most cheesy things without them sounding cheesy. It is because of the way he says them, so certain, so serious like he's talking about facts not about something so changeable as human emotions. "How's that sound?"
Blaine looks up at him and brushes his lips against his. "Perfect," and captures his mouth in another kiss. "Happy New Year, Sebastian."
"Happy New Year, Blaine."
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It has been Sebastian all this time. No one else had a chance. Not then. Not now. Not ever.
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The End.
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thank you for reading.
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if you can, please let me know what you think.